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Kim Horak
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Kim's posts

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Wasps Are Evil MFers
We’re having a garden installed in our backyard next month. In order to save some money, I’ve spent every weekend the last couple of months pruning and and digging up weedy plants. Two weeks ago, I got stung on my neck by a wasp. It totally freaked me out, ...

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Spots, Fuzz, And A Saggy Bladder
I’ve said many times that the aging process isn’t for sissies. I think at some point, I thought it would get easier. I was wrong. The other night I was on Unsightly Hair Patrol, on the lookout for rogue mustache, eyebrow, and nanny goat chin hairs. With my ...

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Green Sooti
I have barely dipped my toe into my 60th decade, yet I keep getting junk mail from the Hey-Old-Person-You-Are-Probably-Going-To-Drop-Dead-Soon crowd. I am constantly receiving life insurance forms, which is really annoying. Is the entire cosmos in the loop ...

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Jesus Is Calling
I have spent the last ten days down with some kind of respiratory virus. I missed six days of work, and haven’t been able to do much more than sit on my couch and not speak. It’s a good thing I love watching TV, because that’s basically what I’ve been doing...

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Cupid Is Sad
It’s three days before Valentine’s Day and there has, unfortunately, been a sad love-related announcement. Charles Manson, infamous serial killer and all-around nutball and his fiancé, Star, will not be marrying. What went wrong? They had so much in common....

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Prison Love
Charles Manson, nutball and serial killing mastermind, is engaged to be married. He is serving a life sentence in prison, and is eighty years old. Count them... eighty. His lovely fiancé, “Star”, is twenty six years old. She got in touch with her dreamboat ...

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A New Toaster
Our toaster died on Friday, so on Saturday I went in search of a new one. I armed myself with several store coupons and headed out to the mall. I was on a serious mission. My first stop was Bed Bath & Beyond. It was hard not to be distracted by the huge amo...

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Sweaty Man Ghost
My house has a mischievous jewelry gremlin. Occasionally, it will steal one earring. Eventually, I will find the missing piece in a place that it couldn’t have gotten to on its own. This gremlin is very annoying, but hasn’t bothered me in a couple years. La...

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Who's Got Your Pants?
Early one morning last week, I was having a lovely drive to work. The first twenty miles were uneventful. I got off the freeway and had only two miles left until I arrived at my office. It was 5:40 and the sky in the East was beginning to lighten into a bea...
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