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Toby Francis
Works at The Mundane Observer
Lives in A cold and windy shithole named Sweden
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Toby Francis

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LETTER OF COMPLAINT

Dear Ms Lynthorp-Horne

When my footman delivered your letter this morning, I was utterly shaken by your foul language. I never dreamed of reading such profanity from a sweet and innocent young woman as yourself, but I feel I must correct you on some mistakes.

I had a long week of hard work, taking care of my finances at the estate, playing golf with some importent clients, and consequently, I was exhausted when I visited Oliver Mushgroove's party that weekend.

Yes, you did find me sleeping under the table with a pair of briefs on my head, but that was sheer exhaustion from work and my jocular friends paid me a prank.

No, the woman you so scornfully called "that abominable tart" was actually my dear cousin and we had just a friendly chat. The reason my hands were being rested against her ample bosom was entirely due to my dizzines, caused by fatigue and some drinks.

I absolutely refute your alligation that I punched that old man in the face. I simply had an animated discussion with your brother,and in the heat of the moment, I made a sweeping gesture with my hand.

Finally, I did not jump out of the window to escape from the policeman, who for some reason had appeared at the party. I simply fell out by mistake, because some fool had put a stool in my way.

I do wish you could pay me a visit next week so we could talk and clear out all these unfortunate misunderstandings.

Yours truly Edward Winthorphe III
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Should ever a window of opportunity open for you, someone else will shut it, complaining about the draught.
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When she got into the kitchen and saw the huge pile of dirty dishes, she got that zinking feeling in her stomach....;.)
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In the spirit of Marcel Proust, every time I take out the garbage I'm reminded of my ex. They didn't call her Smelly Sue for nothing, you know...
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Oh, please beehave....
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Some pick up lines that didn't quite make it:

1. If you've got the crackers, I' ve got the cheese
2. Good that you wear black. No one could see the sweat stains
3. You are obese but that's OK with me. I used to work with hippos at the zoo
4. Is that a dress or a party tent?
5. Let's go to your place, mom hasnt't cleaned my room yet
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ALOHA!! THOSE LINES ARE SO LAME!! I THINK ...WOW... ITS BEEN THAT LONG?..... THE BEST OF THE WORST IS " HEY DUDE, YOU LIKE TO PARTY"?....THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I WENT OUT ON THE TOWN...YEAH!! THATS A LOOOONG TIME.SINCE THAT ROMANTIC STATEMENT.. I TOLD MY DAUGHTER " THE ONLY WAY TO WIN MY HEART, HE BETTER SAY SOMETHING REALLY FUNNY"!! AND BACK IT UP WITH BRAIN POWER!! I DONT THINK THATS SETTING THE BAR TOO HIGH.. : )
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Toby Francis

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SMOKE SCREEN

I was having a good time at the bar the other day. A nice woman sat beside me and we drank and talked for a while.

Then she suddenly leaned towards me, put her hand on my leg and said coyly " I wouldn't mind smoking a big cigar now."
Well, being a man of the world, I nodded knowingly, turned to the barman and said "my dear man, give me one of your best Cubans, please."
He gave me strange look but gave me a cigar, but when I turned around, the woman just stared at me, then she shook her head in disbelief and walked away, leaving me to smoke the damn thing myself. Trust me, they don't taste half as good as they cost.
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When my girlfriend and I went to couples counselling, the therapist told her to get rid of anything that made her unhappy, fat and stopped her from getting somewhere in life, so she dumped me....;-)
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The new beauty pageant "Miss Raw Sewage" turned out to be a bummer.
Their sponsored perfume brand "My Odour Preceedes Me" didn't quite catch on to the female market.
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I love cuddly animals.
Just the other day I was thinking of getting a bunny, so I went to the Playboy Club but they wouldn't give me one. Imagine that...;-)
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People
Have him in circles
44 people
Kay Emm's profile photo
Rick Sanford's profile photo
Work
Occupation
To be a safe and funny haven in an otherwise troubled world
Employment
  • The Mundane Observer
    Satirist, present
Basic Information
Gender
Male
Birthday
April 17, 1957
Story
Tagline
Laugh at yourself, other people do....
Introduction
I am a good-hearted and warm person with a fast mind and quirqy sens of humour. I have always been attracted to reading and writing and would love to make a living out of it. Humour is an essential part of my life.

I can se a pun in almost any picture, caption or piece of conversation, which often confuse other people. Other people misunderstand me most of the time, but I can live with that.
I have a strong affinity for beauty, It could be a scenery, a painting, a garment or a woman. If something is beautiful, I'll ogle it for hours....

Another important part of my life is the spiritual side. Yes, I do believe in karma and reincarnation and would like to enhance my knowledge about these things. It's important to find a balance between the spiritual and earthly side of ourselves. I have always been a seeker, finding the answers by myself, a rather slow but satisfying process.
Bragging rights
I was once unzipped by a lady.....turned out she was only looking for a bone to pick....
Places
Map of the places this user has livedMap of the places this user has livedMap of the places this user has lived
Currently
A cold and windy shithole named Sweden