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Toby Francis
43 followers -
Laugh at yourself, other people do....
Laugh at yourself, other people do....

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LETTER OF COMPLAINT

Dear Ms Lynthorp-Horne

When my footman delivered your letter this morning, I was utterly shaken by your foul language. I never dreamed of reading such profanity from a sweet and innocent young woman as yourself, but I feel I must correct you on some mistakes.

I had a long week of hard work, taking care of my finances at the estate, playing golf with some importent clients, and consequently, I was exhausted when I visited Oliver Mushgroove's party that weekend.

Yes, you did find me sleeping under the table with a pair of briefs on my head, but that was sheer exhaustion from work and my jocular friends paid me a prank.

No, the woman you so scornfully called "that abominable tart" was actually my dear cousin and we had just a friendly chat. The reason my hands were being rested against her ample bosom was entirely due to my dizzines, caused by fatigue and some drinks.

I absolutely refute your alligation that I punched that old man in the face. I simply had an animated discussion with your brother,and in the heat of the moment, I made a sweeping gesture with my hand.

Finally, I did not jump out of the window to escape from the policeman, who for some reason had appeared at the party. I simply fell out by mistake, because some fool had put a stool in my way.

I do wish you could pay me a visit next week so we could talk and clear out all these unfortunate misunderstandings.

Yours truly Edward Winthorphe III

SMOKE SCREEN

I was having a good time at the bar the other day. A nice woman sat beside me and we drank and talked for a while.

Then she suddenly leaned towards me, put her hand on my leg and said coyly " I wouldn't mind smoking a big cigar now."
Well, being a man of the world, I nodded knowingly, turned to the barman and said "my dear man, give me one of your best Cubans, please."
He gave me strange look but gave me a cigar, but when I turned around, the woman just stared at me, then she shook her head in disbelief and walked away, leaving me to smoke the damn thing myself. Trust me, they don't taste half as good as they cost.

Should ever a window of opportunity open for you, someone else will shut it, complaining about the draught.

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When she got into the kitchen and saw the huge pile of dirty dishes, she got that zinking feeling in her stomach....;.)

In the spirit of Marcel Proust, every time I take out the garbage I'm reminded of my ex. They didn't call her Smelly Sue for nothing, you know...

When my girlfriend and I went to couples counselling, the therapist told her to get rid of anything that made her unhappy, fat and stopped her from getting somewhere in life, so she dumped me....;-)

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Oh, please beehave....
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Some pick up lines that didn't quite make it:

1. If you've got the crackers, I' ve got the cheese
2. Good that you wear black. No one could see the sweat stains
3. You are obese but that's OK with me. I used to work with hippos at the zoo
4. Is that a dress or a party tent?
5. Let's go to your place, mom hasnt't cleaned my room yet
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