Watching The ABCs of Death and Rambling
Aka. I blame +Amanda Rachelle Warren   

I have several times before watched a movie and written down my rambling streams of consciousness while doing so. This evening +Amanda Rachelle Warren shared a post with a clip from the horror movie The ABCs of Death (2012) (goo.gl/8P2Qjt) which made me open up a beer (or many) and put on The ABCs of Death, ready to ramble.

Here we go...

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26 short films? Oh, let the fun begin.

I'm glad I have more beers ready.

T? They don't start at A?

That seems to be too thin to be blood.

I see that they've watched American Horror Story. I do not expect this to even be close in quality.

Holy shit! I just realized this is a 2+ hour movie.

Bad acting and gore already? I wasn't expecting it so soon.

You can't bring out a frying pan as a weapon and not expect me to think of Tangled.

Ah, it did start at A after all. They show the title at the end of the segment.

Not too bad a start.

Horror bedtime stories works far better than any gore.

B for boobs!

B for bad sex scene.

B for bogeyman with a pizza slicer. Wait, what?

These short films are so short that they neither manage to scare nor bore me. I think this is a good thing.

Alice?

WOW! He actually said "Alice?" right after I wrote it. I CAN SEE THE FUTURE! (Or understand very obvious "Alice in Wonderland" references.)

Primer?

This C short had time-travel and gore; and it still sucked balls.

Shit, this looks far too real. I can feel the pain myself.

This is intense.

... and emotional.

Why is there a toddler cheering on this violence?

SHIIIIIITTT!!!

That D short was AMAZING!

I have to sing the alphabet song in my head to remember which letter comes next. A B C D… E!

Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a spider can. Does he swing from his web? No he doesn't, he's a pig. Watch out... I think I got the lyrics mixed up.

E is for bad.

Ooooh, here comes the fart one.

First fart.

God's farts are killing everyone?

WHO COMES UP WITH THIS STUFF?!??! Or should I say, this shit?

Your crush farts on you and your head starts burning?

Holy shit, she has a lot of gas in her.

Wait, it was sucked in again?

What the fuck is going on here?

The words "good taste" were actually uttered during this completely indescribable fart make-out scene.

This next one is in FPS mode.

I'm trying to figure out what horror starting with G has to do with surfing.

I have absolutely no idea what just happened. That was a short and confusing short.

A fox?

Girl, are you a fox? Because I don't understand what the fuck you are saying.

Fox breast? And robots? And Nazis?

This is so fucked up it is borderline great.

Keep calm and kill the topless Nazi fox.

H is for what? I don't understand this word. Hydroelectricdiffusion, or something like that?!?!

This surely is a very different kind of short.

This is not the normal kind of gore. This is actually terrifying and disgusting.

I was about to take another sip of my beer - but I stopped because this short is too vulgar for me to consume anything while watching.

J is for Japan? Or is that too obvious? It is a fun little guessing game to try to figure out which word has inspired each of these shorts.

ARGHH!H!H!WDAHWJDA!!! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT??!?!?!

ARFIJAWIJIJDWAIWAD!!!! AGAIN!??!?!

What? What? What? What? What? What? WHAAAAATTTTTT????!?!?!?!

This is simply too weird!

I went from being confused and horrified to laughing in less than 0.1 seconds.

I guess J was for some Japanese word.

More toilet humor. This time animated.

Using your bra as a poop slingshot? o.O

Holy fucking shit! That was weird.

I need another beer. These shorts are getting... null frontal nudity? Wait, I was going to say that theses shorts were getting weird when some face-painted woman dropped all of cloth.

Are these men having a jerk off race?

AND THE LOSER GETS KILLED BY A SPEAR THROUGH HIS ASS?!?!?!?

One of these characters is right by yelling "YOU SICK FUCKS!!!"

Shit, it got weirder.

Because these movies are so short they have all of their weird ideas crammed into a very short time-span AND IT IS FUCKED UP!!!

This is too nasty to describe. Downright mentally damaging.

That was NOT okay.

On to the next one. I hope it isn't as fucked up.

Same start scene as the animated one - but not animated. This is not promising.

I was taking a sip of my beer just as the short CUT TO A FUCKING CLOSEUP OF A MISCARRIED EMBRYO IN A TOILET! Disturbing to say the least.

I hope we can get back to some normal, pointless gore for at least a short or two. This has been too much.

CUTENESS!!!

Something must go wrong soon. This is a horror movie after all.

YES! It took a turn for the hilarious.

Good old-fashioned pointless excessive gore.

Many of these shorts seem to have a strong focus on sex.

This is weird - but in an artistic, calm kind of way.

I SPOKE TOO SOON! This too is disturbing.

... or perhaps not. That was not too bad after all.

I feel I'm missing something about this short. It feels like it has a story I'm not getting.

What is she going to do to that cat?

ARGHAHAHAHHEHDWAJKJ!J!KK!l

The people who write these shorts have some interesting (read: fucked up) minds.

This short is actually addressing the fact that they got the letter Q to use for their segment.

"Duck" doesn't start with the letter Q.

Hilarious stuff. A pleasant change.

Why did my Windows cursor all of a sudden turn into a video camera? Is this movie affecting my computer? Or my mind?

This short is a bit literal about the phrase "turning human suffering into film."

More feces? Really?

This short feels very long; and it is honestly quite boring. It is however a nice break from all the disturbing stuff.

This seems like the first draft for a Machete spin-off, written drunk and lazy.

Wow, I did not see that coming. That was actually a pretty decent twist.

Deadpool? Ah, it's just a potty?

They have a pluming emergency. I think they need Mario.

Melting faces and a human-eating toilet. You got to be fucking kidding me.

This one seems quite original and interesting.

That was not bad. Not bad at all.

Ohh, now a sci-fi short. I'm excited.

AWESOME‼!

This is many kinds of great. It truly manages to be thrilling, exciting, and interesting. Bravo, V.

Another animated short? This is fucked up.

Ah, good. It is about the animator.

Oh, it's another short about how they use the letter they got. This time W.

This is just plain bad. It tries to be weird and disturbing - but after what I've seen from the other shorts it has no effect on me at all.

Okay, that was pretty funny. "W is for WTF!"

This segment about fat-shaming is horrifying and gross.

No! Don't do it!

aRGHH!H!AHDWHJ""!K#"J

No no no no no no. ARGHHAJW"DJWDkl!!!

This is so much more disturbing than normal gore because it an actual issue that so many people live with.

ARGH!

That was painful.

This short seems family. Perhaps it's just the score.

Ah, that is disgusting - and there's not even any blood.

Oh, here comes the blood.

NO!

Now more Japan?

And more Nazis?

And more nudity?

And a giant shemale penis?

WHAT?!?!

Wait, that penis is being used as deadly weapon?

Nipple-twisters during a fight to the death?

Shooting vegetables out of her vagina? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

The shemale is ejaculating rice? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

The people who made this are seriously fucked up.

YOU GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!

And now the movie is over. That was... eh... eh... ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY FUCKED UP!!! Holy fucking shit. ARGHH‼! I feel damaged. I do not know enough profanity to adequately express how this movie made me feel.

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(List of all my reviews and ramblings at reviews.reschat.com)
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