Let’s get something clear right here at the top of the show because I don’t want ANY confusion later on when I am too drunk to clarify. Hillary Clinton is the Democratic Nominee for President of the United States in 2016. This was decided by Top Men who know better than you, dear voter. Frankly, you can’t be trusted with these kinds of decisions because god knows how badly you will mess it up, after all this isn’t one of your “reality” shows! No, your job in this is show up on Primary Day, and ritualistically cast your symbolic vote as a show of support for your benevolent masters, who have only your best interest at heart. Remember, Citizen, Your Vote Matters, in a purely superficial and specious way. Voting for our anointed candidate is your duty as an American.