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barb pegasus collective
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just little old me
just little old me

42 followers
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i wonder why i was even born? I have done nothing important with my life, I am nobody, noone, out of how ever many ppl there are in the world i am just 1, lots of poeple have it all, a home, a car, a family, friends, I have 3 friends, my family is non existant, i have 4 kids and all they can do is tell me what they want from me when i die, they cant be happy im alive and want to do things or be there for me, I never ask for anything, why should I have anything, I deserve nothing, I maybe have 10 years left to live if even that and i am fucking miserable, life is so fucking boring anymore, i have no deisre for anything, to cook, to clean, to watch tv, i push myself to do everything i do on a daily basis, we go nowhere when we die, we just cease to exist, there is no afterlife, only darkness like deep sleep, my life has been so fucking hard and i just feel like i cant do it anymore, im to fucking old and im to fucking tired, i cant afford to go to a doctor, i cant even go to counceling because mental health wants to play all these games with me, so they take me off everything and leave me with seriquill, oh take this but you will sleep for 5 days and be very very groggy, how is that any way to live? i lay in bed till between 7-9 am every fucking night staring into the darkness thinking about all the fucking mistakes ive made and how ive fucked everything in my life up. and this social security thing is a joke, they wont accept me im sure till in 63 and i wont live that long. i cant see myself making it past 60, another 10 years of this shit and i will die of depression.i try to be positive but whats it worth, nothing, its all in vain, i will be remembered as nothing and forgotten just as easy. ive done nothing in my life worth anything to anyone. i cant find a reason to get out of bed, so maybe sleeping my life away is the answer, what else is there to do, oh yea clean house, and clean till its spotless, i think my house is filthy as no one ever comes to visit me, ive been told many times that my house is to dirty when its not, but to each his own i guess. if you cant make a effort to come see me then why should i waste my time to go see you, if you cant fucking call me to say hello then i wont call you, if i message you and you dont answer it just confirms that you dont care, maybe this wall is right where it belongs, why should i let it down to only be crushed again? life used to be fun, now it sucks the life out of my soul.
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I still havent got over the fact that my daughter died and was brought back, it shakes me to my core and hurts so deep, i just want to snuggle with her and never let her go. I Love you Amanda
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My New tat, the color isnt done yet, I am a floydian all the way!
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so screwy latley since my daughter got so sick, i havent been in the mood to talk to anyone, been closing myself off i guess, not realizing I am doing this until now, i just dont feel like me latley, been kinda switchy and feeling overwhelmed and generally just like i am so distant inside myself, none of this has made sence, i dunno how to explaine, Just hoping my new found friends on here are doing well. 
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so my daughter amanda was here today with her 2 daughters, she fell asleep on my couch, shes been hanging in there but in a lot of pain from a fractured sternum from CPR, she looks so beautiful while she slept, Yes my daughter is 28 and i watched her sleep, after almost losing her it took all i had to fight back tears, all i could remember was the day i brought her home from the hospital, she was so tiny on 4pds, 5 ounces, but she was healthy, i can not even imagine the pain i would have to endure if i lost one of my children, I Love them all so deeply like a momma should, i may not always be right or say or do the right things, but ill be dammed if they know anything its that they know i love them witha ll that I am, Just had to get this off my chest and let all of my children know, Angel Faiers, Christina Faiers, Amanda Waxler, Robert DelConte I Love you all soooo very very much...
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