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Elda M. Lopez
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Author: THE (IN)FIDELITY FACTOR: Points to Ponder Before You Cheat, e-book & print available @ Amazon & Barnes & Noble, www.theinfidelityfactorbook.com
Author: THE (IN)FIDELITY FACTOR: Points to Ponder Before You Cheat, e-book & print available @ Amazon & Barnes & Noble, www.theinfidelityfactorbook.com

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From Mother Nature Network: Mice and infidelity.

Yes, this. Believe it or not, MNN offers up some interesting points to ponder. As animals can learn from humans, in this case, the reverse is worth contemplating.

"Hell may have no fury like a mouse scorned, but lasting relationships are built on communication."

https://www.mnn.com/earth-matters/animals/stories/mice-fidelity-study-california
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This is one of those topics that generates confusion, uncertainty, and anxiety.

Should you tell your S.O. that you cheated?

The short answer: it depends.

Of course, it's best not to find yourself in this precarious position, but if so, take a few hints from this article. It skews female (some surprising new research!), however, men, it's worth taking a gander.

Overall, it pays to have more info than not, rather than unwittingly paying out emotionally, financially and assorted other "lys."

"What you choose to do, as well as the way your partner might react 'will depend on your situation, your agreement with your partner, and your desire to be transparent,' says Martin."

https://www.elitedaily.com/p/should-you-tell-your-boyfriend-girlfriend-about-cheating-expert-weighs-in-11977616
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The damage from infidelity is enough to make anyone want to run away from the broken pieces, or, run straight at the offender with biting insults, copious tears and possibly flying fists (or whatever else may be available). But what about the other?

This is one woman's candid recounting of "life after" and what that looked liked when this couple chose to remain married.

"We yelled. We cried. We yelled again. We committed to brutal honesty. We lied. We told the truth."

http://eldamlopez.com/relationship-rebuilding-after-infidelity/
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When infidelity hits (because that's what it does, and hard) there is an immediate emotional response. Scenarios and accusations fly, which may or may not have anything to do with reality. Understandably, reality is skewed when being gut-punched.

These psychologists give the inside-the-psyche-scoop on what could really be going on with the cheating partner.

Good to know.

“There is not one single reason or path for cheating in a relationship ... However, there are a collection of very distinct psychological patterns that cover the vast majority of reasons why people cheat."

https://www.bustle.com/p/10-things-no-one-tells-you-about-the-way-cheaters-think-according-to-psychologists-11765892
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Micro-cheating defined: various.

- Flirting
- Texting and/or chatting on social media
- Dressing differently if/when you know you will see a particular person
- Lying or keeping secrets about lunches or after-work drinks with a coworker
- Liking and positively commenting on a person’s Instagram pics
- Tinder swiping (even though you never follow up)

"So a particular behavior might qualify as full-blown infidelity for one couple, micro-cheating for another, and not a problem at all for another."

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex/2018/09/cheating-by-any-other-name-micro-cheating-is-still-cheating/
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Thought-provoking, heart of the matter, worth a double-take quotes per a podcast interview between host Krista Tippett and Alain de Botton, author of the essay, "Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person."

"...we would be much saner and happier if we reexamined our very view of love. Nowhere do we realistically teach ourselves and our children how love deepens and stumbles, survives and evolves over time, and how that process has much more to do with ourselves than with what is right or wrong about our partner." ~ Alain de Botton

"So often we blame our lovers; we don’t blame our view of love. So we keep sacking our lovers and blowing up relationships all in pursuit of this idea of love which actually has no basis in reality." ~ Alain de Botton

"But you also point out this very contradictory fact that the thing that’s ultimately wrong with adultery as an easy out to what’s going wrong in the marriage is that it is based on the same idealism that certain ideas of marriages are based on that go wrong.

In a way that you’re just redirecting your hope elsewhere and...Imagining that this is the perfect one, right? This is the one person with whom you won’t ever be lonely again, who will understand you completely." ~ Krista Tippett

"That’s right. And so on and on the cycles of hurt continue." ~ Alain de Botton

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Thought-provoking, heart of the matter, worth a double-take quotes per a podcast interview between host Krista Tippett and Alain de Botton, author of the essay, "Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person."

"...we would be much saner and happier if we reexamined our very view of love. Nowhere do we realistically teach ourselves and our children how love deepens and stumbles, survives and evolves over time, and how that process has much more to do with ourselves than with what is right or wrong about our partner." ~ Alain de Botton

"So often we blame our lovers; we don’t blame our view of love. So we keep sacking our lovers and blowing up relationships all in pursuit of this idea of love which actually has no basis in reality." ~ Alain de Botton

"But you also point out this very contradictory fact that the thing that’s ultimately wrong with adultery as an easy out to what’s going wrong in the marriage is that it is based on the same idealism that certain ideas of marriages are based on that go wrong.

In a way that you’re just redirecting your hope elsewhere and...Imagining that this is the perfect one, right? This is the one person with whom you won’t ever be lonely again, who will understand you completely." ~ Krista Tippett

"That’s right. And so on and on the cycles of hurt continue." ~ Alain de Botton

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Why can't we be friends? The male/female dynamic covers many levels. Friendship is one of those levels. Yet, it seems men, especially the married sort, have trouble engaging in innocuous associations with females. Not trustworthy? Wife put the kibosh? What's really happening?

Numerous factors are involved. I discuss this subject in my book. For the record, I firmly maintain my male friendships in any romantic relationship. Not to mention, I've known my male friends longer than I have any partner. Easily done since I've spent most of my life unmarried.

Conveying the importance of the relationships (all the way around) and not allowing the imposition of the friendship, creates a safer environment. And, it's a two-way street. I've had mates who've had lasting female friendships. Great. Introduce us and keep me in the loop. Not to say there won't be some noise along the way, but with open communication, self-awareness, growth and respecting boundaries many things are possible--and probable.

“What it boils down is, the more insightful men are, the less they have to struggle with this.”

https://www-fatherly-com.cdn.ampproject.org/v/s/www.fatherly.com/love-money/married-men-husbands-female-friendships/amp/?amp_js_v=0.1#amp_tf=From%20%251%24s&ampshare=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.fatherly.com%2Flove-money%2Fmarried-men-husbands-female-friendships%2F
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Here's the same Quora question I asked of men, but from a female perspective:

What advice would women give to another woman who is contemplating infidelity?

Interestingly enough, one woman answered in the male category and one man answered in the female category. I don't know what that means, but it's worth noting.

https://www.quora.com/What-advice-would-women-give-to-another-woman-who-is-contemplating-infidelity
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My latest question to Quora:

"What advice would men give to a fellow male contemplating infidelity?"

The answers are varied based on personal opinion and life experience. Never ending those variations...

(One female answered. I was going to ask females next week. She beat me to it. I'll still ask Q sooner than later.)

https://www.quora.com/What-advice-would-men-give-to-a-fellow-male-contemplating-infidelity
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