My name is Kristin. I am currently married and have 2 step sons, a daughter from a previous marriage and another son that is ours. Having his, mine and ours, well, I dont recommend it. It comes with some serious challenges I never thought would happen to me. I will get into some of those at a different date. Today I am here to tell you about my daughters dad, Chuck, my xhusband. He died January 25, 2013. It has only been 3 months and our world is a train wreck. My daughter, Lilly, was daddys little girl. When Chuck and I were married, back 1994-1996, two short years, we were young and put each other thru the ringer. Some of which I might get into later. BUT when my daughter was born in 2000 (yes we were divorced-the only time we truly got along up to that point) Chuck was very depressed and in a very low place in his life. He struggled to live in his own skin. He was not a very kind person. His world was all about him. He was lonely and unhappy. SO when his daughter was born, needless to say I was very worried about what kind of father he would be and how involved he would be in her life. Well, Lilly changed this man into an incredible person. He was lifted from the darkness and brought out into the light of life. His baby was his world and he loved her so. I have never seen such a transformation in a person when a child was born. Yes, I was transformed when she was born. Major!!! She brought me out into the light of life as well. She brought me back to God. I dont know how parents parent without God. Chuck was amazing. He was a dreamer. He was a permanent student at BSU. He wanted to be everything; psychologist, teacher, archaeologist, EMT, history professor, truck driver, counselor, and I am sure I a missing something else. But he dreamed. A member of many, a master of none. He took care of his aging parents. His mother has Alzheimer disease. He lived with her. Some details aside, on January 24, 2013, Chuck had a wonderful conversation with is mom about school starting a new chapter, and about Lilly. She had a few things coming up that weekend. I talked to him around 9:30pm before he went to bed at 10. He went to bed at 10pm. He didn't complain about anything. He was not feeling ill, no pain, felt fine. Around 10am Friday January 25th, his dad had called his mom to ask where Chuck was. He was supposed to pick his dad up to go fishing. His mom looked in the garage and found his Jeep was still there so she went to his bedroom. When she opened the door, she found him dead. Feet on the floor, fallen back on his bed, holding his chest. She still had his dad on the phone. She yelled that he was dead. His dad made the appropriate phone calls and rushed over. He arrived the same time as the ambulance. An autopsy was ordered and Chuck's body was taken in a black body bag. This is what brings me to this blog. The worst day of my life. Telling my baby her daddy had died. He was pronounced dead at midnight Friday Jan. 25, 2013. Lilly called me at 3:30 because dad didn't pick my kids up from school. I called everyone I could and didn't get an answer until 5:30 when Chuck's dad called me. He said Chuck was dead. My heart sunk to the ground, fell out of my throat, shattered on the ground. I didn't know what to do. I was still at the school. I left my daughter there, not telling her. I wanted her to have one last true innocent hoo-raw. One last night of true happiness. But I knew what was to come. I left the parking lot in tears. I pulled over as soon as I was out of sight of the school. Pain and heartbreak that I had never known or felt came pouring out of my eyes. How was I going to tell her? I was going to break her soul. Tears didn't stop. Fear over whelmed me. Fear of what the feelings I had, fear of the life my daughter had ahead of her. I could not do it. I could not crush my kid. I refused. I sat in my car, alone and cried, screamed, sobbed, my soul died. I went numb, but never stopped sobbing. No way. This was not happening. I denied everything, collected my self and drove home. No one was home so I stopped at my sisters house, who is my neighbor. I called her twice and she did not answer. I was afraid to just show up, but I could not go to an empty house. (My husband was out of town for the weekend). Not knowing what else to do, I knocked on my sisters door. She took one look at me and knew something bad had happened. I cried on her couch for 2 hours before I had to go pick up Lilly and crush her to the ground. I cannot explain the despair I felt. It is beyond anything words could express. And beyond anything I could deal with. When the time came, numbness took over. I climbed into the car. My sister drove me to the school to pick up my baby girl (who is 12!!!) We drove home and had idol chit chat. She immediately asked if I had heard from daddy. I have not idea what I said, but I lied. I told her something to satisfy her for the time being. My sister tried to help in changing the subject to the dance. I asked her how it was, who she danced with, what songs did she dance to, anything I could think of. She had a blast!! Her first Junior High dance. She jabbered about this and that. She was happy, but worried about her dad. We went to my house. I asked Lilly to sit on the couch with me. She could feel the air, it was not right, something was wrong. She immediately tensed up. I tried to hold her hand as I crushed her soul when I told her daddy died this morning. She kicked and screamed. We all were crying and sobbing and she was screaming. She screamed that I was playing a sick joke on her. My baby, my precious most beloved child was changed forever. Her innocence was gone. Her heart was heavy from this moment on. My heart, my soul was changed forever. How was I going to do this? After 2 hours of sobbing on the couch she called into my bed with me and continued to sob. We both cried all night, and fell asleep only to be woken by each others cries. I laid there, wondering what was I going to do. Why did God think it was more important for Chuck to go to home to heaven than to be a daddy to my little girl. Lilly did not understand that either. Why was she being punished, taking her daddy from her. Despair and fear filled me until I began to throw up. There was no way I was going to be able to do this. I was alone. My husband was out of town. My husband is not the feeling type. I knew I was not going to get what I need from him. I have no idea what I need at this moment. How do you go on without a truly dear friend, xhusband, daddy to your baby? I can take anything but LEAVE MY KIDS ALONE!! Crap on me, tear my limbs off my body, tear me to shreds, but leave my babies out of it. I have to grieve not only my loss of a husband, but the loss of who my girl used to be, and who I used to be. I have been thru a lot of shit in my life. I have been places I had no business being. And came out the other side. But this did not have another side. This has no end.