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Dave Gold
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So, you want an iPhone, but really can't afford one.Then your S5 decides not to boot up, & you have to replace it anyway. #1stWorldProblems

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Another audition down. Confident I'll get a call back (only if I forgot something, and have to go back to retrieve it)

I really enjoy casual sex.
Getting dressed up in a suit and tie kind of takes the spontaneity out of it.

When people need talent, they come to me.
Not to hire me, but to enlist my help in finding people they DO want to hire.

President Trump just congratulated the Patriots on their Superbowl victory, reminding them how you don't have to score high to win. 

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Why do foreign visitors only use Mastercard? Because Trump won't accept their Visas!

As a result of strained relations between Mexico and the U.S., Gordita's and Chalupa's will now be 20% more expensive.

Alternative Fact: It couldn't have been a Million Woman March, because a lot of them were actually standing still at times.

I can understand Trump's confusion. He heard he'd joined the Republican "Party", so he invited the hookers.
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