Profile cover photo
Profile photo
Not Real
I miss it, too.
I miss it, too.

Not's posts

Note 0.4
One time my friend keilah had an asthma attack

3. If you do not start to feel better, take two puffs of your reliever inhaler (one puff at a time) every two minutes. You can take up to 10 puffs.

Set a timer for 5 minutes, so you can relax and not worry about staying in meditation for ‘too long’, missing appointments. (If you have an iPhone, the Healing Music application can be used as a timer.)

Close your eyes and relax. Take a few deep breaths from your diaphragm and release the tension in your body. (See this article on breathing exercises for more on how to do this quickly.)

Clear your mind of thoughts. Rather than focusing on ‘thinking of nothing’, focus on ‘being’, and when thoughts enter your mind, gently acknowledge them and let them go, returning your focus to the present moment again.

Continue this for 5 minutes, and return to your day feeling more relaxed and refreshed. Try this meditation regularly, and you should feel less stressed overall.

Note .03
One time probably two years ago (?) my love reb (or bacca) asked me to tell her a bedtime story in messenger so i tried to make one up

R:Tell me a bedtime story
ok ok
once upon a time there was a town of rabbits
there was little jimmy rabbit
little emma rabbit
and mamma and pappa rabbit
they all lived happily in their little rabbit hole
until one day a family of cats moved in
there was little tiger cat
little aurora cat
and mamma cat
when the cat family moved into the rabbit field, mamma rabbit was worried that they wouldn't become good neighbours
she said to pappa rabbit, "what if our new neighbours don't like us?"
pappa rabbit laughed and said to mamma rabbit, "don't worry, honey, i'm sure we'll all be friends. maybe you should bake up one of your famous carrot cakes and come by their place to give it to them"
mamma rabbit thought this was a great idea, and immediately made one of her special carrot cakes, which was not like any other carrot cake you've ever tasted it before, because she used very special ingredients
jimmy rabbit and emma rabbit were also scared. they were scared that tiger cat and aurora cat would deprive them of their popularity among the animals as the cutest baby animals in the rabbit field
"what if no one loved us anymore?" said jimmy rabbit
emma rabbit, albeit the younger of the two, took control and hatched a cunning plan
"would you like to play tea party with us?" emma rabbit said to tiger cat and aurora cat
of course! the best way to make sure that the baby cats would not steal their popularity would be to become friends with them, so that they could all be cute together!

but aurora cat answered emma rabbit's request with a hiss. "we don't play with rabbits." she said scathingly, and slinked away
tiger cat growled at jimmy rabbit, and slinked away as well
emma rabbit turned to jimmy rabbit, giggling. "i guess they won't be stealing our popularity after all if they're like that"
jimmy rabbit considered this for a bit.
"still..." he said, thoughtfully, "i think we should still try"

R: Rape them until they likes us
C: how determined of jimmy rabbit! we should all be like jimmy rabbit!
sh, little bacca, we're getting to the good part and you'll like it a lot!
just then, mamma rabbit had finished baking her special carrot cake
pappa rabbit sniffed the freshly baked cake with a large grin, "this will surely make the cat family friendly"

R:Does it have magical potions in it
C:oh, it has quite a few, little reb
jimmy rabbit and emma rabbit return home, laughing together loudly.
when they enter the kitchen, they can smell the delicious cake, hot and ready to eat
"mamma! please, please, please, can we have some carrot cake?"
begged emma rabbit
mamma rabbit shook her head, "now, now, emma, this cake is for the cat family. besides, you're too young for my special cake - only your older brothers and sisters back in our hometown have ever tasted my special cake"
jimmy rabbit interjected, "but i thought all our brothers and sisters back in our hometown were disrespectful and misbehaving! how come THEY got carrot cake but we can't??"
see, this was a very reasonable question from jimmy rabbit, and mamma rabbit smiled at this
"now, now, jimmy, you'll have your cake in due time. for now, this cake is for the cat family.
and so mamma rabbit took the cake over to the cat family's residence, and knocked on the front door.
"hello! this is mamma rabbit. i brought some of my famous carrot cake to welcome you to the neighbourhood!' mamma rabbit said when mamma cat opened the door.
mamma cat smiled crookedly, and took the beautiful-smelling cake
"by the way," mamma cat purred, "have you seen my tiger cat and aurora cat? it's rather late and they haven't come home. they do have such a habit of causing trouble wherever they go...
mamma rabbit giggled and shook her head. "no, no, no, i have not seen your tiger cat and aurora cat. perhaps they are exploring the field. i am sure that they are respectful, well-behaved little baby cats."
mamma cat nodded slowly, "sure, mamma rabbit. thank you for your lovely cake. i will see you around."
mamma cat closed the door.
she decided to go into the garden some ways behind the house, just to check if tiger cat and aurora cat had been playing there all along.
there were pretty flowers in the garden, and in the distance, mamma cat could see a little tea table and a little tea set on the little tea table
she curiously walked over to the tea table, where she could see two furry black balls of fur. perhaps it was tiger cat and aurora cat!
and indeed it was!
set on little chairs on other sides of the little table, were tiger cat and aurora cat, except they were a little bit different from usual.

R: How diff mama?
C: their eyes were glassy, and their necks had bled out all of their little cats' blood. on the ground beside the little baby cats were shards of broken and bloody teacups and plates. mamma cat was horrified.
she ran back to her house and cried for a very long time.
suddenly, she heard, from the kitchen, a squeak, followed by a strangled sound. she quickly ran to the kitchen to see who it possibly could have been.
it was baby roger rat!

C: baby roger rat was on the floor, squeaking loudly, over and over again.
"what is wrong, baby roger rat! what happened? what are you trying to say, baby roger rat?"
baby roger rat began to lift his shaking little baby rat claw to point at something.
but then he stopped. he stopped squeaking, too.
baby roger rat was dead.
mamma cat was horrified.

she looked around the kitchen to try to see what baby roger rat was pointing and, and then she saw it: the special carrot cake mamma rabbit had made - with a large bit missing, in the shape of a baby rat's teeth.

R: I knew it
C: mamma cat looked away from the special carrot cake, and her eyes went narrowed and angry.
mamma cat bolted to the rabbit family's rabbit hole, breaking down the front door. there were sounds coming from the kitchen, and so mamma cat, hot with anger, went there to find answers.
the whole rabbit family was there. "mamma! mamma, please! mamma, please, help him!" emma rabbit was screeching.
mamma rabbit and pappa rabbit shook their heads.
"no!" said mamma rabbit. "he was disrespectful and misbehaving! he is not a friendly good rabbit."
jimmy rabbit was at the dinner table. there was a large carrot cake set on it, with a big slice cut out. he was making strangled sounds.
emma rabbit kept screeching, and pappa rabbit's eyes went all narrow and scary.
"shut up!" he screamed. "shut up! shut up! shut up!"
he jumped up and grabbed emma rabbit, who was screeching even louder now.
"shut up you stupid bitch! shut up! he strangled her while his other paw grabbed a handful of cake and shoved it into emma rabbit's mouth.
"you are disrespectful and misbehaved! you are not a friendly good rabbit! shut up! shut up! shut up!"
mamma cat cried out, suddenly making her presence known.
"you!" said mamma rabbit. "why are you not dead yet!"
"you monsters! i am not dead yet because i have one last deed to do. i will kill you both!"
with amazing speed, mamma cat sped to mamma rabbit, and ripped her head from her body.
mamma rabbit was no more.

R: WAT about the rest of the rabbits family
C: then mamma cat ran to pappa rabbit, and clamped his neck with her teeth. she threw him across the kitchen, and he landed on the opposite wall with a sickening crunch.
pappa rabbit was no more.
mamma cat rushed to emma rabbit to see if she was okay.
"mamma! pappa!" emma rabbit was yelling with difficulty.
"are you okay? i will call for help!" mamma cat said reassuringly.
she began to run outside to find help, but before she even left the kitchen, she saw beside the stove, a little teacup and a little teapot, set neatly on the countertop.
she knew it was theirs.
mamma cat stopped running, and began to walk slowly, calmly, out of the rabbit hole, and into her own house without a word to anyone else.
she sat at her kitchen table and cried for a very long time.
there was a small plate on the kitchen table that she had forgotten to wash before.
she had been eating before going into the garden.
there were still little cake crumbs on the white plate.
little special carrot cake crumbs.
mamma cat cried until she stopped breathing.
the end.
did u like the story
thank u thank u
do u kno the moral of the story?

R: Don't trust cakes from rabbits
C: ahaha no!
it's be respectful or misbehaved
or you won't be a friendly good rabbit colonthree emoticon
and if you're not a friendly good rabbit, you have to go back to your hometown with your other disrespectful and misbehaved brothers and sisters.

Note .02
One time I was being overly passive aggressive for something pretty irrelevant

you know
you know that feeling when
you go onto google and type in a name of someone you've lost contact with many many months ago?
and then you find an odd article
or a blog post
or whatever
and you look at their picture for a second, wondering if they were ever good looking
and then you're reading the paragraph they wrote
and then
they fucking used a fucking comma where a fucking semicolon should have been
and you tell their photo "fuck you" and exit the tab
and you think to yourself that it was probably a good idea - the best idea - to not still be in contact

learn to use fucking semicolons


Note .01
One time i tried to write a random stream of thoughts without looking and this appeared

I don't have any stories to write
except my overflowering emotion and wastes of time
And the way I look at the girl in the mirror and put together why it would be so hard to love me
And when I look at my actions and realise why nobody loves me
and the roses in my hair all lie there with pity
because the vase that they came in was still prettier and even my junk mail is empty

Post has attachment
i have so many sticky notes on my desktop, but i can't bring myself to delete any. but sometimes i find stuff i wrote a long time ago and it's really nice. i think i'll post them to keep them archived

love and other illusions
to believe only what you can see
and reject the things difficult to feel

if you put your hand to a heartbeat and asked it why
if you looked at the sky through the water puddle's eye
maybe you would be able to see how i feel

There's a girl named Monique in my Lit class.

She's so freaking cool. And pretty and smart and kind. She's sooo cool. She's really into astrological signs and yoga and that chill kind of stuff, and once, during a Lit class where our sub didn't end up arriving, our class of seven were just talking about whatever.

And I was talking about how I'd like to die a thousand times in a thousand different ways, because I think it's a real shame that we're only allowed to experience something like death only once. And I told some of my best, darkest jokes. And I spoke about how I hoped there was no afterlife, because I'd really like to rest forever and be slowly forgotten. And that my favourite movie was Lolita.

We were all discussing our thoughts on all these subjects of death and experiences and pedophilia and our different personalities, and we were still trying to recover from a particularly morbid joke I'd made, and Monique smiled at me from across the table and said,

"I feel like you're an old soul, Cindy. Like, with your dark jokes and how you want to rest after dying. I think you've seen a lot and you're tired."

And I thought,

"That's a nice way to put it."


So I was raking up leaves and lemons from my garden earlier. My dad told me to put on some shoes, but I don't like shoes, because I like feeling the warmth of the sun on my feet absorbed in the pavement, and the roughness of the cement and the little leaves and branches that'll bite at my soles.

And I was thinking,

"Maybe I am such an old soul. Maybe that's why I have so much to say, but nowhere to put it. Maybe that's why I'm always so tired."

And I thought about this a lot, I thought about how old everyone else's soul must be. I thought about all of those naive people I know, and how their souls must be young even though they may be older in years. And I thought that Monique must be about middle-aged in her soul. So that if a soul would live 1000 lifetimes before dying, she would have lived about 600 lifetimes. Because she's so wise and brave and smart, but she still has so much to offer, and she's so in touch with the world. I think I've lost touch with the world.

And then I thought, a little,

"If I'm an old soul, then why am I still so curious? Why am I still so keen to experience things that are new and foreign to me?"

And I thought about it. And I thought, that maybe, maybe my soul is so old, and it knows it's about to die. That's why I want to do everything I can before these final few lives end.

And then I thought,

"What if this is my last life?"

And that hurt me.


I wondered if I was doing right by myself if this was my final life to live. I wondered if it would be a good last life to live if I was letting everything pass me, and control me, and confine me to normality. I

don't want to waste this life

if it truly is one of the last.

If this is my thousandth chance to make these thousand lives; these ten thousand years, worth anything.

And I thought,

"Well, what an odd thing to think."

And I went back to raking away the leaves and the lemons from my lemon tree.

An open letter to Elves/Elven Kings:
please stop abducting ppl jesus chriST

waiting for death but it just won't come
my emotional thoughts stick like a sore thumb
i really wanna change me
but i'm feeling kinda numb

lift my chin to the heavens i scream out my dreams
then patch myself together i'm coming loose at the seams
i really wanna change me
but there's nothing to redeem

'Hey there,'
[27.AUG.16] [for h]

Hey there, buddy-boo.

So here's the stitch...I always subconsciously check [store] every time I'm at [location]. Okay, maybe it's consciously. I don't know. I'm bad at letting go. I went today and I check every time expecting to see you because you're a fucking workaholic and sure enough, you were there. I was calm when I was looking for you, and I told myself I'd be calm if I saw you, but as soon as I saw you, my heart sang.

I don't know what's up. It's not me in love with you, honey. I know that. Thing is, I feel so destructive around you. Towards you. I want to ruin you. Not for revenge or hate or anything. I just genuinely instinctively uncontrollably want to rip you apart from the inside out. I think it's in my nature. It made me feel so excited to see you. I felt like someone about to get a bite on their fishing line. I felt so victorious, I was drunk off the power. I've been quite drunk on power today.

You know, if I had to make an analogy of us, you would be Will Graham and I would be your Hannibal Lecter. I want to destroy you because you are so beautiful. Isn't the destruction of beauty so pure, so honest? I want to make art out of your shattered pieces and pull you together with regret and pride. God I want you ruined.

Wait while more posts are being loaded