A Critique is Overdue+K M Idamari
wins "Most Delightful."
Here's the flash fiction:
The sun was already up, chasing away the morning mist. The light crept into my hollow with the agenda of waking me up. But I wasn't going to be bossed around by a tiny ray. I turned over and buried my head beneath the soft bark.
It took a while but I managed to slip back into my dreams again, when the stupid song bird upstairs decided to sing with a sore throat. The noise reverberated through the wood and grated in my ears. And no amount of stuffing in my ears was enough to block him out. No! You can't make me get up. Try again in a couple months.
My resolve was strong and I relaxed enough to let the noise drift to the background as I sunk back into sleep.
Who cared if spring was Here? Who cared if my nook of the forest was the only one with snow still shrouding the ground? I might be a spring fairy but I still needed my beauty sleep.
Let’s start off with why I like it. It’s sweet, and it has an unexpected twist. Translation: it makes me smile.
Agents might call it voicey. There’s a definite character personality shining through. Straightforward and stubborn, with a simple modern lexicon.
The personification of the ray of sunlight is delightful.
And I love the assumption that the songbird has a sore throat. This could be a wonderful unreliable narrator. If the narrator isn't supposed to be unreliable, then the sore throat needs some evidence, or it should be implied that it seemed
to have a sore throat.
There's a good use of scene antagonists and low-stakes conflict to get the ball rolling.
If you were to lengthen it into a short story, who specifically suffers if spring doesn’t come? How could the consequences affect this wonderfully opinionated little fairy?
The pacing is a bit hinky with "It took a while" and not showing the stuffing of the ears.
The word choice is strong, especially in the first lines. “Already” and “chasing” imply action and immediacy, and the alliteration of “morning mist” ties it together in a way that makes me want to read more. This is no limp descriptive opening.
...I’m a sucker for evocative words. Also on my thumbs-up list: crept, agenda, bossed, tiny, buried, reverberated, shrouding.
“Sunk” should be “sank” and “song bird” should be “songbird.” Once corrected, both are also evocative.
I’m left wondering who or what will try next to wake her up. (I assume it’s a female, but a male would be a nice twist, too.) It would have to be an escalation, with some stakes involved.
Overall, I hope this becomes a short story. I would love to see the dynamics between the different seasons of fairies and within the ranks of the spring fairies, along with more of this fairy's personality.