Year is ending... Somehow it feels appropriate to look back at it all...
Came without me, I was born with spring.
No memories to keep
No memories at all
Vague memory of a light shining on a picture we had on the nursery wall...
Flakes of memory, games, confusions... and my first blowjob... Calling it that came later of course... But that's what it was. My first paedophile encounter.
My first boyfriend... In kindergarden... I was very naughty with him... Kissing in the sleeping room and all.
Kindergarden ended and school started. We moved to our own house. No more bathroom... Just an outhouse. And a walk to school.
Long walks to the bus, my first 2 (a failing grade) in math... being called names in school... paedophile number 2...
Surprise - my youngest sister is born. Anxious August. Trafic sign banning tanks. Birth of a new Estonia.
Summer full of bikes and kids and fun. A scraped knee for fall...
Rubbed my thighs raw keeping up with other kids on a hike... Stopped going with them. Another run-in with the paedophile number 1. Something is wrong, but tears fall in a thunderstorm. No more red dresses.
Mother gave me a book that explaned everything about sex. Too damn late! Also, men are disgusting... Why cant they just take care of themselves and instead abuse those who dont know any better?
Poverty. No money for anything. Tossed a boy into a corner for calling me names. I'm bigger than them. If I only could catch them... I'm gaining weight fast, but quite fine with it. I dont like men liking me.
More povery and name calling and piling on weight. But im not sad - I have my library books, my playing cards, my fools costume and my single solitary friend - an outcast like me.
Friend moved away... But a new outcast joined me - she was not acceptable for being too short. School started physics. I weigh way more than my physics teacher and Im quite happy about it. I read "Mort".
Year of hell. Ninth grade. Class joining with a paralel makes me spend time every single schoolday with people making my life miserable with impunity. Ignore the world. My Queen tapes are my savior... Storm takes the roof. On one fine night I become Alexia Death.
Highschool. More names calling, but the main leaders have left school. Silence of the soul...
Nice round number but more of the same...
Highschool is done! University starts. A whole new game... SOOOOOOOOO much nicer than highschool. New friends... new suffering, an unrequited love. And 9/11.
Lectures, games... Console hacking. Good times.
More of the same, no highlights...
University ends, the unrequited love fractures my world. Friendship ends. My first job. Almost a failing endeavor, rescued.
Fun times at work, great gang of mates... Becoming active in opesource and finding new friends there...
My second blowjob. Coming to an understanding of my own sexual nature. I am in control, I CAN choose. Liberation. Also a realization. Men dont like BIG girls is an UTTER LIE! Some dont, some do, very much so.
Doing something about my weight, Im at my heavyest now - 144kg. Wiping my butt is hard. Enough is enough. Doctors better have some solutions.
New job. My weight is down to 115kg... but... the love that fractured my world is back. I am hurting and he wants to be friends. I suffer. At new years eve, I choose with knife on my arm between life and death. I choose life and go wild.
Wildness continues. I am insane. I meet an insane man and move in with him to far away. It's an insane love. It does not hurt but even in insanity I know it will not last.
Another job, a better one this time. I'm getting better and moving out from the insane man, but the relationship lingers. I start struggling with my weight again. I am back at 135kg.
I see another doctor about my weight, I adjust my eating... But the loss is still stoping. In the end of the year I recive my papers for bariatric surgery and start prepairing. The insane man does not like it at all.
I leave the insane man for good. He does not take it well. I have my surgery and start the change. Midsummer I meet a sweet man... my man. Man I see myself giving the rest of my life. We move in together.
I live. My weight is OK. Im still overweight but I am no longer tied down and oppressed by my own weight. There is a man next to me I wish to keep forever - if I succeed, I do not know. My past and my present and my future are balancing here I feel. Like on the top of a huge rollercoaster hill. There has been a climb... A slow long climb, to have all the potential I could have. Now I just need to take the ride. It is bound to have some nasty loops... But it was the whole point of the climb...
P.S My parents dont know about the paedophiles and I wish to keep it that way, so if you know me IRL, plz dont mention them around my parents, otherwise I'm quite ok with talking about it these days.