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Al J. Aardvark

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The surest way to find your heart's truest aspiration is to eat rutabaga sandwiches.

One can hardly imagine a more sinister truth than an unknown truth. Mainly because, well, you don't know about it. But the very fact that it is unknown begs the possibility that someone out there knows about it and you don't. This is, regrettably, the case with breakfast cereal.

Where had I heard that sound before, and in such indifferent profusion while lying on a couch?

What is the sound of one person holding himself at arm's length?

Then a strange thing happened. It was as if suddenly I were in the sea gull's mind and he in mine. He was thinking: "What am I going to have for lunch?" 

I was thinking: "I wonder if that girl on the Morton Salt box has salty footprints?" 

I notice a fish flying slowly by. Then I realize the fish is swimming. At first I think that the Jute Mill has exploded again, but it turns out the aquarium has sprung a leak.

That would explain why I was having trouble breathing. 

It would also explain the sharks in the men's room.

I have been hooked on moon pie since the great Daphne, Alabama marshmallow pie crisis. Apparently the city fathers in Daphne felt the need to impose a ban on "foreign-made Moon Pies" (i.e. marshmallow pies), insisting that the only original Moon Pie is made by the Chattanooga Bakery in Tennessee. 

Apparently, the police in Daphne were arresting small children for possession of the moon pies that somehow kept flying off parade floats in that town. 

If your dog already likes to bark at you, it should be a simple trick to teach her to speak. Basically, you just reward her every time she barks. Give her a fish, or maybe a can of truffles. For a very intelligent dog, just give her the unopened can and a can opener. Lots of fun at parties. 
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