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Charlayne Grenci, Ph.D.
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I DARE YOU, No, I Double Dare You... to Read: 'BEHIND CLOSED DOORS': Detective Fly on the Wall

Snuggle up with this book this weekend - then... don't be afraid to tell me what you think about it by leaving your review. However, if sex, crime, decadence, plus macabre, gross and bizarre bother you - DON'T!!!. Steven King and John Waters would be stunned!
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Relationship Destroyers - About Intimate and/or Sexual Relationships:
PART 7 - The DAY the ONION CRIED: 16 DYNAMICS of SUFFERING

Note: I may have a strange and unique way of expressing my views about relationships and life itself, but the reason is simply this... it's my opinion.

We think about sex, infidelity, money and lots of other things when we talk about relationship destroyers. We also put the blame on mental cruelty and other abusive relationships. Have we ever gone deeply down into the mire of mixed emotions? This Blog will be to the point about the major human condition that is likely to rule our personal world and predispose us for an imbalance in life. I'm referring to suffering. Some of you might be thinking "enough said", Dr. Grenci, 'cause I know all about suffering. And I'll agree with you, that you do. We all do. If you haven't, I'm going to think you do not belong in our species, so where are you from?
I'm prepared to open a huge can of emotional worms here today. This discussion is not about being negative or trying to upset anyone. This discussion is purely for the purpose of facing reality.... yes, the mute point underneath and on top of all this is - reality. I don't expect everyone to agree with me, or even read this article, but if you are interested in hearing about every fact and facet, every layer, depth, detail and dimension of relationship destroyers, then you might want to relate to this. We're going to dig deeply and thoroughly into the emotion of suffering, so hold onto your hat, here we go.
Most couples go blindly into relationships bound by the new romance / limerence. Limerence, (for those who aren't familiar with the term) according to Wikipedia's definition is: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence
Limerence (also infatuated love) is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated.
Entering into relationships is new and exciting for most people, but I feel everyone should know about all the factors that can lead a relationship into disaster after the newness wears off. So today, I'm going to elaborate on the dynamics and reality of human suffering. Everyone has experienced it in one or many ways.
To remind you, I realize I look at life much differently than most. I analyze and understand things differently, so seeing out of my eyes may not be a good perspective for all of you, but this is how I see it.
Suffering is all about emotional pain, and below is a list of the emotional pains we endure during a relationship (or not), some of them singly and others collectively:
anxiety, depression, jealousy, envy, humiliation/embarrassment, fear, anticipation, worry, sorrow/grief, loss, anger, abuse, rejection, loneliness, hatred, self-loathing, also, all emotions involved with physical pain.
You may have guessed by now where this is going. If not, I will explain. Romantic or love relationships are extremely difficult, hell, ALL relationships are a pain in the ass at times, because we're all human. We are humans with raw emotions to deal with, with each other and that's difficult enough in and of itself, but that's not the heaviest burden of it.
As I see it, our lives and relationships embrace a balancing act, trying to stay balanced on a tight rope of sorts. We have the constant chore and conflict in which to balance out our emotions to stay sane, level headed, positive and inspired in order to be mentally healthy and productive - for starters. Let's dig a little deeper. Keeping this balance isn't easy by any means of reality. This is where humans can lose sight of what's happening, get caught up in a fragmentation before they realize it, or lose their way completely.
For example only, let's pretend our personal psyche is like an onion. Let's imagine our emotions are the multi-layers of skin on an onion, and each of those layers of skin represent one of the following emotions of the 16 Dynamics of Suffering: anxiety, depression, jealousy, envy, humiliation/embarrassment, fear, anticipation, worry, sorrow/grief, loss, anger, abuse, rejection, loneliness, hatred, self-loathing, all emotions involved with physical pain. Let's start peeling away the layers of skin on that onion. Are you still with me? Okay then, during a relationship, how many of the above emotions have you had to deal with both voluntarily or involuntarily during a relationship? How many of those emotions have put pressure on your relationship? How many of those emotions have caused dissension, arguments or resentment? How many of those emotions either with you OR your partner, or both of you, have been responsible for a break-up or a divorce? How many of you have experienced a love-hate relationship?
Now, let's take a look at that whole picture. Look at all of the human emotions we have to deal with while trying to maintain a well-balanced relationship! That being said, the other dynamics and reality of emotions concerning human relationships are: love, sex, pleasure, romance, happiness, health, and fun/excitement. Let's call the center of the onion, the positive and essential core of life which embraces: love, sex, pleasure, romance, happiness, health, and fun/excitement.
It's safe to say we are forced to deal with trying to balance the negative with the positive, some of the 16 Dynamics of Suffering with the 7 positive dynamics of relationships: love, sex, pleasure, romance, happiness, health, and fun/excitement. This is a huge problem, people. Suffering on any or every level is a problem. I'm using suffering as the umbrella term to include all the emotional pains. Suffering appears to be at constant war and conflict with the few delightful emotions we possess. Consequently, in many relationships, the human condition of "suffering", for whatever reason(s), outweighs, and wins over the love and happiness features. It's sometimes a frightful and disturbing contest of emotions. It appears in most circumstances that the odds (of emotional suffering) are stacked against us before we embark on a new relationship.
This is just one perspective, my perspective of why it's difficult to main a successful relationship and how the emotions involving "suffering" can be relationship destroyers. I welcome your opinions. (to be continued in Part 8)


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Relationship Destroyers - About Intimate and/or Sexual Relationships: PART 5 - Relationship Cages

Note: I may have a strange and unique way of expressing my views about relationships, but the reason is simply this... it's my opinion.

Unless you're passion is to be someone's submissive or sex slave or you are a devout masochist, relationship cages are a turn-off, suffocating, threatening, and damned nerve-racking. Cages are relationship destroyers for many individuals. If you are a cage creator and cage keeper, you may be a relationship destroyer, depending on the personality of your other half. If you are thinking, what cages? I'm going to take a peek inside these cages and right into the heart of the matter, so if you are the cage keeper and you have keys to the locks on any of these cages, find your keys.
If you are locked in Cage #1.... ah, ... GET OUT!
Cages #2 & #3 speak for themselves.
Relationship Cages = Relationship Destroyers: Can Cause Weak Links or Destroy Relationships
Cage #1 - JEALOUSY: Do you often find yourself in emotional turmoil? Do your emotions suffer in silence? Do you find yourself walking on eggshells in fear of upsetting your partner or spouse? Do you try to avoid doing things that will cause his or her jealousy to flair? Okay then, there you go.... you're locked up in a cage labeled jealousy; the boundaries you adhere to, to spare an argument (or not); the rules, regulations, restrictions and expectations that are posed on you because of someone's jealousy, can be emotionally unhealthy, can cause deep-seeded resentment and can destroy your feelings for that person in time. Some people may add possessiveness to this cage. In short, the restrictions a partner/spouse espouses and enforces on you is a relationship destroyer. The Cage of/from Jealousy!
Cage #2 - INSECURITY: yes, this is a big one, too. This cage is often self-inflicted. Are you in a relationship cage for reasons related to security or insecurity? Do you feel your insecurities are responsible for putting you in a cage - you do this willingly or unconsciously for protection and/or survival? Have you wanted to bust out of your cage and run away but your need for security/your innate insecurities keep you locked up where you are right now - in the relationship where you are right now, where you intend to stay? For some people, Cage #2 can embrace loneliness and the need of companionship. The Cage of Insecurity!
Cage #3 - FANTASIES: Do you harbor your deepest fantasies? Do you feel you have to suppress your fantasies rather than share them with your partner or spouse because you're afraid of the reaction you will receive? I can tell you from experience that your fantasies are safe and secure left alone and lurking privately in your own imagination. It is true that most people cannot handle hearing about another person's deepest, darkest fantasies. They can be interpreted as demented, repulsive, bizarre, macabre, threatening, insulting, critical and/or adulterous. Some partners are told that masturbation is cheating! How fucked-up is that? Communication and sharing is great until it comes to 'fantasies', then you may experience what I'm talking about. So, unless your partner/spouse is known to be extremely open-minded and non-judgmental, think seriously before divulging your dark, secret fantasies. Keep them safe and sound locked up in your fantasy mind - 'the cage' that keeps your deepest fantasies under lock and key. Of course, we know that most fantasies are better left alone in our fantasy mind anyway. Many fantasies can back fire in reality!
Use caution here. The Cage for Fantasies!
(later continued to Part 6) Photo taken Thursday 3/23/17
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PART 4 - The Famous 5 Plus - The Main Attractions - Is it Chemistry? Or Can Chemistry be an Umbrella Term? Are Our '5 Senses' & Imagination Necessary for a Successful, Sexual Relationship? Are We challenged by Sexual Chemistry?

I believe we rely on these famous 5 plus our imagination to tell us if we are sexually suited for one another. Do we, or should we have a daily diet or at least, a continuous diet of the 'famous five plus' to keep a relationship sexually alive? You better believe you should. My musing continues here. Come along with me.
For most people, I believe we would all agree, that initially, the main attraction from one person for another is a sexual attraction, or sexual chemistry. With some couples sexual chemistry maybe be intense, but with others it may be more mild in nature, however the important factor is that you have a compatible libido with your partner so that both individuals feel satisfied instead of neglected or pressured into intimacy they don't desire.
For the sake of argument, let's use 'chemistry' as an umbrella term, because there are other things that can keep chemistry alive and functioning, but unfortunately, many people tend to forget what may have caused the chemistry in the first place, so I will elaborate, as I see it. Like I said before, everything is debatable, because everything is "in the eyes of the beholder", and we all differ in our likes and dislikes.
Each term or terms #1 - #5 (below) can handle a chapter of their own, however listed here to make a point. These are the factors that I feel deal with chemistry.
1- Sight = Provocative or Debonair dress - is a sexual attraction. Sometimes it's the first thing you see about another person. It can have the power to make it or break it. Erotic, revealing wear and/or chic, elegant or trendy fashions might turn you on. Everyone has their own opinion of what kind of wear is sexy to them - what catches their eye and turns them on. If we dress to impress in the beginning of a relationship, to attract one another, we shouldn't give all that up to shorts, sneakers, moo moos and underwear, etc. during the relationship. If it doesn't look good at home, it will look good somewhere else, ie., in the workforce, mall, nightclub or wherever you go.
2- Sight and Hearing = Flirting - can be for the purpose of suggesting you are sexually interested in someone ,or it can be done in a playful, entertaining mode. Flirting can be sexually provocative or fun-loving. Body language, facial expressions and sex talk play in here. Should flirting stop when you've landed your relationship? Absolutely not! If you don't find it in your heart to flirt with your lover or spouse, someone else will!
3- Hearing = Sex Talk - many people use sexual innuendos to imply/suggest they are romantically or sexually interested. (not exactly dirty talk, yet - we'll get to that later). Sex talk is used to heighten sexual desire and/or arousal. Sex talk is good before or during physical sexual activity, though some people are either uncomfortable with it or not good at it. Learn it. It's a useful turn-on. If you don't talk erotically to your lover or spouse, they might find it alluring if someone else does. Do it!
4- Smell, Taste and Touch - I like to think of these three as the "tantalizing trio. This is a chapter in and of itself. Don't be afraid to smell, taste and or touch your lover or spouse. Pheromones are powerful! They are addictive... and great for emotional and sexual connection/intimacy!
5- Fantasy = Imagination - we have the ability to use our imagination for sexual enhancement/stimulation. Come on now... we're all adults here. We all have an imagination. If you don't, I suggest you find one. Use your own "Secret Cinemas" (where have you heard that before?) to instigate, jump-start and stimulate your sexual encounters and experiences. Your secret cinemas are super engaging and have tremendous powers to fuel and ignite your desires, arousal and to promote orgasms.
Taking #1 - #5 plus your imagination into consideration, most all of which are typically important in the commencement and development of a sexual relationship. Do you find any of these 5+ more important than the others? Okay, I'm certain you favor some more than others, because some affect you more than others. Understood. As a sexual relationship progresses and time goes on, do these 5+ things stay in the direct limelight of importance? Or do some or all of these famous five+ start falling by the wayside as the relationship matures? Don't let them be forgotten. We forget what we don't practice or exercise. Sometimes it's difficult to get it back. Sometimes impossible.
Without getting into deep detail, the bottom line is this: as a relationship matures, people tend to pay less attention to the main attractions which were essential and/critical to initially launch their sexual relationship. They become more comfortable, consequently less attentive, without realizing that all things still matter and attention is needed to maintain a successful, healthy, sexual relationship.... you are the caretaker of your relationship. It is your responsibility to take control of the helm, or eventually your relationship will shipwreck or sink. (continued in Part 5)

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