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World's Funniest Analogies.

I practically cried laughing so hard reading some of these.

Annual English Teachers' awards for best student metaphors/analogies
found in actual student papers:


His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at
high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one
of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at
4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East
River.

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one
that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law George. But unlike George,
this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a
real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if
she were a garbage truck backing up
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64 comments
 
This post is awesome. Like two hummingbirds who are also awesome.
 
Thanks for this. Shared to my "Bookmarks" folder for later.
 
Thanks for the hearty laughs at the end of the day! Some of them are so gooood! as well as funny ...
 
Douglas Adams "He had found a Nutri-Matic machine which had provided him with a plastic cup filled with a liquid that was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea."
 
These are so bad they're good.

It reminds me of George Constanza's recollection of his brief stint as a "marine biologist:" "The sea was angry that day, my friends. Like an old man trying to send back soup at a deli."

Seinfeld - Marine Biologist
 
Good stuff - just as good as stuff should be.
 
"Shots rang out as shot are wont to do" This could be used daily on news programs. It could lighten the overly negative reporting. 
 
Whilst is just a fantastic word. I will make it a goal to use it at least 3 times this day.
 
"The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't." owes something to Douglas Adams' “The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don’t”
 
Hilarious. Just what I needed to shake me out of my mid-day energy blip :)
 
Some of these are really good. 
 
These are as funny as Ellen Degeneres covering the Republican National Convention.
 
These are great! Lol thanks for sharing--made my morning.
 
"The sardines were packed as tight as the coach section of a 747. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)" LOL
 
"It poured like molten gold* across the sleeping landscape--
*Not precisely, of course. Trees didn't burst into flame, people didn't suddenly become very rich and extremely dead, and the seas didn't flash into steam. A better simile, in fact, would be 'not like molten gold.'" Terry Pratchett

“Using a metaphor in front of a man as unimaginative as Ridcully was like a red flag to a bull, was like putting something very annoying in front of someone who was annoyed by it” Terry Pratchett
 
Amazing, although these are actually entries in a 1999 Washington Post humor contest, not from students. See +Benjamin Zigterman's comment for the link.
 
Almost wet myself! <snort>
 
Best one: "The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law George. But unlike George, this plan just might work."
 
I LOLed. Real LOLs, not like where you type LOL even though you didn't. LOL, that is.
 
Yes, it's about that time of year, this makes yet another appearance on the internet, but is still just as funny as it was five years ago.
 
Oh my goodness...I have tears pouring out of my eyes, much like when the sprinkler is broken on the street corner and no one has an umbrella as they walk past, forcing all on the sidewalk to get wet.
 
"He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at
high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one
of those boxes with a pinhole in it."

DFWesque.
 
Some of these appear to be the product of lovingly naive writers, but most displayed to me genuine ironic wit. Then I read +Benjamin Zigterman's comment above and the link to the original post. Context is everything.
 
I am as happy as a Little Neck clam that didn't get eaten and got to jump back in Little Neck.
 
Douglas Adams - "The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't."
 
Thanks for the post! It really brightened my morning :-)
 
My favorite: It was so painful, it was like being run over by a Mack truck. (How would you know?) . . . . . .
Honorable mention: Wherever you go, there you are!
 
Some great ones there, but some more great ones in the Washington Post link that aren't quoted in this article for some reason. I particularly like:

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

The painting was very Escher-like, as if Escher had painted an exact copy of an Escher painting. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

And most tellingly:
Joe was frustrated, like a man who thought his claim to fame was occasional appearances in a weekly humor contest, but in fact is known to millions as a stupid high school student who writes unintentionally humorous bad analogies. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
 
More kudos to +Eva Snyder and her Pratchett finds. Always love his breaking of the 4th wall-type of explanations.
 
Just came across this one from Raymond Chandler, which feels like it fits on this list. These kids are in good company...

“She jerked away from me like a startled fawn might, if I had a startled fawn and it jerked away from me.”
― Raymond Chandler, The Little Sister
 
Lighter bowling balls float. It's all about density relative to water. Since all bowling balls are the same size, lighter ones have lower density. The density of an 8-pound bowling ball is low enough that it floats. So saying something drifted across the pond like a bowling ball doesn't is like, whatever.
 
These are real gems, every one of them.
@+Jan Dawson The example from Chandler is very artful: it has a perfect symmetrical structure and it seems as if the writer first draws the image of the startled fawn close to his mind and then pushes it away again.
 
"The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't" is fun little re-tooling of Douglas Adams who wrote of the spaceships of the Vogon constructor fleet that "they hung in the air exactly the same way that bricks don't" or something similar to that.
 
I first thought "The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't" was Vonnegut, too...then I thought it was Douglas Adams. Now I realize I was thinking about the actual metaphor about bricks in the sky. My mind is just being blown haha
 
I am TRYING to watch a movie, but this was just too funny!
 
Quality stuff!!!
Now I can sleep at night knowing that the future of English literature is in very good-funny-capable hands.
 
My favorite:
Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
 
Actually LOLed a couple of times!
 
"He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at
high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one
of those boxes with a pinhole in it."

I could actually imagine that as a sentence in Infinite Jest!
 
I've always thought grading English papers would be the worst job in the world. I was wrong.
 
“I love you as a sheriff searches for a walnut
That will solve a murder case unsolved for years
Because the murderer left it in the snow beside a window
Through which he saw her head, connecting with
Her shoulders by a neck, and laid a red
Roof in her heart.” – Kenneth Koch, To You
 
The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest needs to have an Analogy award like a phrenologist needs a hole in his head.
 
The bowling ball quip is very reminiscent of Douglas Adams' 'Hitch hikers Guide to the Galaxy' Just to clarify, for juvenile idiots who think that sarcasm portrays them as some kind of later day Oscar Wilde, I added a comment without reading any other posts. If I had read them I would have realized that other people had picked up on the similarity to Douglas Adams and subsequently I might have concurred with them or decided not to post at all as my comment would be somewhat redundant. However, as I did not do any of these things I made a perfectly innocuous comment, the fact that it might be similar to a prior post is hardly a topic for hilarity. I suggest to the juvenile troller Shawn McCarthy that you find better ways to spend your time. How about getting an education ? Then maybe you could see about getting a life as well. I look forward to your reply, no doubt scatological in nature and including some of the delightful neologisms you employ such as 'Thusly' which I noticed you used in a post on your home page. Being extremely kind you could call it a 'non standard variant' of the word thus. Being totally accurate it is gibberish ! So before you exercise your razor sharp wit on others I'd get your own house in order. Ever heard the saying, "People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones" ?
 
I'm going to mention Douglas Adams, much like I would if I hadn't bothered to read any of the prior comments.
Edit: and the real source, too, because nobody's caught that either.
 
Love this one: The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
 
Did anyone read this in Tommy from Car Talk's voice?
 
Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes.
-One of the Naked Gun movies
 
Laughter is always the best medicine, and this made my day.
 
Some of those are just weird
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