The Return of Nerdlacquer : This Time It's For Real
Hi, strangers. For anyone who's been wondering, no, I haven't been institutionalized. Yet. Though it might not be a bad idea. Anyway. I meant to give everyone a few days' notice that things are back and rolling and restocked (though a smaller-than-last-time restock), but when I updated the site via XLS file, it also updated the inventories. Oops. So, um, there's stuff available now?
This is where I apologize for my absence. This will be the last time I have to do so, barring any debilitating accidents or maimings. No, I have not been well. I've been barely functional. I've been doing fuck-all and hiding from the pain and anxiety and fear that won't go away. I've been practicing Avoidance and Distraction. I thought I was okay after dad passed away and I got home and tried to Get! To! Work! Because that'll make it all better! It did not. I found the edge of the cliff. It's right there, a few miles behind and above me.
I bloody hate doing this. I hate doing things that necessitate apologies. I hate feeling weak. I hate not having my shit together, because I'm usually the one that has their shit together. I don't like feeling like I'm rationalizing. But also, since I am A Person and not a large faceless corporation, I am maybe obligated to put this stuff out there. And I think, hope, that maybe somebody who's going through the same stuff will find value in it.
So it's the holidays, and the first holidays with No Parents At All. (I just typed that and did not cry. You have no fucking idea how proud I am of this.) I made it through Thanksgiving (though with a bigass emotional freakout fueled by exhaustion and alcohol, but at least I didn't do it in front of people), made it through the first anniversary of my mother's death (still not crying yet), and am still making it through a lot of difficult nights. It's funny how you think you're fine, and then you turn the lights out and your head immediately goes to who and what you're missing, and that you'll be missing them forever, with no reprieve, and listening to your own heart beating in the quiet and what if it just stopped? And you know what that would be like because you've held the hands of the two people you're closest to when their own hearts stopped, and so much for the not crying.
But I've had a couple of days lately where I felt like something was off, or missing. And then I realized what I was missing was the ever-present Clenched Stomach of Fear And Pain. Like when you're about to break up with someone, or someone just broke up with you, or you had a fight, or you're worried about your job - that tightness that feels like you swallowed a large rock inside a small sponge, and also your heart is beating really a little bit faster than it ought to be. After a while, you get used to this feeling and you start to think it's normal to always feel like this, and you can fake being okay. But it's always there.
Until it isn't. I think I might be leveling off. Still sad and angry. Very, very angry. But I feel more functional than I have in a really long time (like, four years). Christmas is going to be pretty rough (Not Fun: looking for something in a drawer of the secretary, finding the Christmas stockings, thinking about how mother would be wondering where in the WORLD we're going to hang them, as this house has no fireplace and thus no mantel, CUE BREAKDOWN). But anyway. Looks like shit is finally on the upswing.
And you know what that means. More nail polish, and three new colors. Since I love mythology and am still angry and sad and wanting to kill things, the new trio is in honor of the Eumenides - or The Furies, as they're more commonly known. Alecto (ah-LECK-toe), Megaera (muh-JEER-uh), and Tisiphone (tih-SIFF-uh-knee) bring their righteous rage, avenging fury, and wanton destruction to your nails. Tisiphone is my new favorite.
You guys know the drill. New stuff's up, email me if you're missing something, current crop is ready to ship, and I'll be back with more probably first week of January.
And I thank you in advance for your patronage and your understanding. You'll also, I hope, understand if I am still not capable of engaging in conversations about this stuff - I'm not good with that at the best of times, and right now I'm barely emotionally capable of taking a damned shower. But so many of you who've been around for a while and have said such kind things...you really have no idea how much I appreciate knowing you're out there, being awesome and saying such nice things to someone who usually feels like they don't deserve it.
But happy days are ... well, maybe not "here again," but they're at least imminent. So here's some swatches, and best wishes and fist bumps to you all.