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D.J. Paris
Works at DJP3, Inc.
Attended Miami University
Lives in Chicago, IL, United States
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D.J. Paris

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I always wanted a writing partner. One with boobs, preferably.
Well, let me back that up. Actually I have never wanted a writing partner.  I’m far too controlling and I believe my creative ideas are superior to others. Or, if someone was more talented than me and I knew it, the unconscious jealousy would cause me to undermine our efforts until the whole thing imploded. Plus, I just do not play well with others when it comes to comedy. Now, that being said, I’ve always still wanted to be around people as funny as me. Or funnier. Years ago I started writing for Aiming Low, when that was still a thing. I was hired on their JV squad with two other humorists. One is a syndicated columnist in 400 newspapers. The other received an “A” from Entertainment Weekly on her recent book. Both are insanely funny. When it was announced I’d be on the team, I became very scared. This is a good thing. It caused me to up my game and compete at their level. Someone thought I had enough potential with literally zero writing credits to my name. That meant something to me. And I wasn’t going to let them down.
These days I write for InThePowderRoom. I pestered the head editor and owner for years before they gave me a shot. In fact, I have a deadline this Thursday and I’m nervous as shit about it. But when I push send in a few days with the final draft, I know it’s going to be fucking awesome. Because that is our agreement. To send in something fucking awesome every month. And here’s the oddest part – it turns out that everything I’ve sent them has been great. It doesn’t take a logician to figure out why. Accountability and Community.
When I have a deadline, I’ll make it happen. When I’m around people funnier than me, I get funnier. Simple.
Okay, now let me take you back to a month ago when my last piece was published on InThePowderRoom. I received a very nice tweet from someone I didn’t know complementing the work. I’m a sucker for compliments, but I’m even more of a sucker for a pretty face. And this woman has one. So, because I’m a guy who likes pretty girls who compliment him, I tapped on her Twitter profile. Turned out she’s a writer, too. With a few impressive credits. I clicked on one. It was good. I read another. Also good. Actually, better than good. Really good.
I wrote her back and we started chatting. This was perfect timing as I was starting the hunt for someone I could write a monthly column with. I pitched her on an advice column. She readily accepted. Her name’s Allison Arnone and I’m excited to announce our first feature. Now, here’s where you come in.
We’re going to pick a topic each month, and you’re going to write in with your issues around it. For example, this month we’re tackling “work”. Maybe you’re curious if you should tell your boss off (you shouldn’t), or if it’s okay to sleep with your secretary (it’s not), or if Cindy in purchasing has it out for you (she doesn’t). Maybe you’re contemplating quitting the rat race and heading to your guru’s ashram in the Himalayas (bad idea). Or maybe it’s a family business and your sister is stealing from the till (catch her on camera and email the evidence from an anonymous gmail account). Whatever your problem is around the workplace, Allison and I are going to solve it.
Allison and I disagree on just about everything. I think she’s crazy, she thinks the same about me. This wouldn’t make for a good marriage, but it will make for a good advice column. Oh, and we have the exact same lamp. We figured this out by accident when I was bragging about a new lamp I had purchased. Some might call this a sign. I wouldn’t because I’m not a moron. It’s a coincidence. A cool coincidence.
It’s a psychic connection because psychic connections are real, dammit!
So, here is the form where you can anonymously send in your issues regarding the workplace. Oh, and what makes Allison and I qualified to give you help about your workplace (or lack thereof)? Nothing. I mean, we both have jobs, so that’s something. But I’m confident we’ll give you the correct advice. Well, at least I will. Allison can be moody because she’s a girl and girls are moody. It has to do with moon cycles and tides and stuff. So, take her opinions less seriously. This is why she dislikes me by the way.
Once again, click here to submit your work issue. And don’t worry, we’ll be changing it up each month. I’m pushing hard for “body hair” for next month because, well, body hair is funny. But this month is work. So, send those issues in. Help is on the way.
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I always wanted a writing partner. One with boobs, preferably. Well, let me back that up. Actually I have never wanted a writing partner. I’m far too controlling and I believe my creative ideas are superior to others. Or, if someone was more talented than me and I knew it, the unconscious jeal…
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D.J. Paris

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I don’t know why I’d never thought of this before.
Over the years I’ve been asked to do interviews. Most of the time they go live (like this one on InThePowderRoom). But other times, for reasons not disclosed to me, the interview never surfaces. Which is fine, of course. This has happened about a dozen times. I never take it personally aside from setting up a fake Twitter account to troll the publication incessantly with tweets about how the head editor sleeps with livestock and may be involved in terrorist sleeper cell recruitment.
When a website reaches out for an interview, I spend a decent amount of time putting together my answers. I have pride in my work and I care very much what people think. Plus, they might have an audience that isn’t yet familiar with me (unlikely) and is hungry to develop an unhealthy fan obsession with my written words (likely).
This most recent “lost interview” happened a month ago. A website I wasn’t familiar with reached out. I never bothered to look up the site before launching into the silliest answers I could craft. After I finished I thought it might make sense to check out their website. This particular site seems to be comprised of  interviews with famous to barely-famous people. Since I’m in the “not famous at all” category, it became obvious to me that I was never going to see my dick jokes on their home page. And I don’t blame them. I’m sure the editor-in-chief had an intern email a bunch of bloggers and then when sthe intern pushed my answers across her boss’s desk, the boss went, “No – French people are boring. Pass.”
I did have a “star” moment a few months ago at a humor conference. I was there as an attendee and hanging out at a cocktail event on the first night. A woman came over with a pad and pen and interrupted a fabulous fourth trimester abortion joke that I was telling a group of people. She wanted an autograph. I thanked her for making me look like a big shot in front of my friends, then pulled her aside and told her if she ever interrupted me again I was going to remove the blade I carry in my sock and carve my autograph into her neck (neck tat jokes are very chic these days). She told me her name was Darlene so I wrote, “Marla – it was a pleasure meeting you. Nice tits! – D.J.”
Back to this most recent interview. Since I’m confident it’s not going to be published (it’s been over a month), I figured I’d share it with you here. Dolly Parton is currently their featured interview, and let’s face it, Dolly has a whole amusement park named after her and I do not. To go from Dolly one day to D.J. the next would be an admission that the site is folding. But let’s say that all the other interviews after Dolly fall through and they do publish mine. Odds are they’d whack up the content and not show you the best stuff. So, here’s the full, unedited session.
Since I’m not going to reveal the actual interview website, let’s pretend it was conducted by WeirdMexicanWrestlingMasksMonthly – a publication dedicated to the trends, styles, and fabrics of Lucha libre. You know,

those booths at your local street festival where tight fitting Latin face-masks are sold. I haven’t any clue who buys that crap (unless you are, in fact, a professional Mexican wrestler).
If your son comes home from the state fair with this, grab a steak knife and lock yourself in the pantry until help arrives.
Complete Transcript of Interview with D.J. Paris by WeirdMexicanWrestlingMasksMonthly.
What is your full name?
D.J. Paris. Technically, that’s not my full name but you would think I was goofing around if I typed the whole thing out. Oh, and I’m a “third” as well.

It’s a long, Spanish name and kind of ridiculous. D.J. is easier.
Where do you live?
Lincoln Park, Chicago
If you were asked to describe yourself in one word, what would that word be?
Massivedong – that’s one word, yes?
What is your personal mantra? (The phrase in your heart and head that defines how your choices and how you live)
You can always be richer and thinner. Seriously, I believe that fulfillment comes from effort. Since all that we can control in this world is our own

action, that’s what ultimately defines my happiness. The more I do, the better I feel.
Briefly tell us about you and your life.
I have a marketing job which eats up my daily 9am – 5pm. Since I love my career and get to bring my dog to the office I blog at night and on weekends.
What is the name of your blog? When was it launched?
ThoughtsFromParis. It launched April of 2010.
Share with us the primary focus of your blog and what you hope to accomplish through it.
As a writer I focus in three areas – humor, vulnerability, and truth. I write about my own life incorporating those three characteristics into each piece.
What I’m trying to do is find a way to entertain myself though writing. My goal when I sit down to write is that I want to read it back the next day surprised at my own brilliance. I wish I was joking.
List any blogger awards you have won.
I’ve never applied for a blog award so I have no idea. I think I’ve been nominated and won some stuff, but don’t ask me to remember specifics. Most recently I’m going to be the keynote speaker at BlogU this June.
Are you a Brand Ambassador and if so, for which companies?
Occasionally I’ll do a campaign for a brand but only if I’m a huge fan. In most instances I’ll contact the brand directly and tell them my idea. 95% of the time they don’t write back. Jerks.
Which social media outlet do you find most helpful? (Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, Twitter, etc)
For me it’s Twitter. I have almost 150k followers. This sounds impressive until you realize that Paris Hilton (the other famous Paris) has 14 million followers. She’s also the highest paid DJ in the world. I’ll pause for a second while you recover from slamming your head into the desk repeatedly.
What is the one piece of advice you would give to anyone interested in beginning a blog?
If you care about people reading your blog, go find your audience. Make a list of blogs that have readers that might like your content. Start writing great comments on those blogs. Share posts on social media. Is it a lot of work? Yep. Does it work? Yes.
Share some names of favorite blogs you follow.
Well, I write for InThePowderRoom, and that’s about the funniest site out there right now. I don’t read a lot of other people’s blogs, but only because I’m self-obsessed. If anything I’ll pick up one of Woody Allen’s books, read a few pages, and then feel devastated that I’ll never be that funny.
Are you an entrepreneur or professional beyond your blog? Please share.
I was sitting around with my girlfriend recently and had an eureka moment. With all these subscription services I realized nobody has launched a “Period of the Month” club. Each month you’d get the hippest new tampon flooding the market (pun intended). Also, I’d throw in some bubble bath and a piece of

chocolate. It’s called “Cursebox.”
What one question have you always wanted to be asked? Write here and answer it as well.
Q. How do you have all your hair at 40 and why is it still so blonde?
A. (shrugs shoulders) DNA and shit?
Share a social cause or cause-based organization close to your heart.
Every other week I spend time with developmentally disabled men at an organization in Chicago called Misericordia. We hang out and do guy stuff. Lots of talking, watching TV and farting. It’s a great time and I’m honored that they choose my company.
When all is said and done, how do you want to be remembered?
Being remembered is unimportant to me, but what keeps me up and night is being on my deathbed and thinking, “I never went for it.” I want to die peacefully with the notion that I gave it my all. That being said, I hope many people cry at my funeral.
I had to get one for my dog, of course.
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I don’t know why I’d never thought of this before. Over the years I’ve been asked to do interviews. Most of the time they go live (like this one on InThePowderRoom). But other times, for reasons not disclosed to me, the interview never surfaces. Which is fine, of course. This has happened about a do…
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D.J. Paris

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You know this is a staged photo because nobody smiles in science class.
Science class was always difficult for me.
Throughout my schooling I struggled to earn a decent grade in science. As an adult looking back I realized that most of my education consisted of being taught facts that I attempted to memorize and then retrieve. My memory is poorer than my intelligence would suggest. I’m not a dumb guy, but I have a dumb memory. Not a great combination – smart and forgetful. Thank God the internet came to be in my lifetime. I no longer have to remember much of anything. I have immediate access to facts and am not penalized on my inability to recall items from my swiss cheese brain.
Once in seventh grade I stayed up until 11pm to memorize every fact for a science test. I landed a 97%, the highest grade in the class. After a short-lived exuberance, a mild depression washed over me. I realized that there was no way I would have the energy to do that amount of work for future exams. It was way too much time to devote to a silly test. In the next exam a month later, I barely passed. The teacher pulled me into a private meeting because I guess it’s not common for a student to fall from grace that quickly. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I only studied thirty minutes because I wasn’t going to miss the back-to-back Wings episodes on USA during prime time. The other reason I wasn’t going to kill myself for each test was that the teacher had announced who earned the highest grade. When I had scored the near-perfect it wasn’t like my peers threw a ticker tape parade in my honor. Nobody applauded and, if anything, I sensed hostility from the class. And, if there’s one thing I know about school is that the acceptance of your peers is pretty goddamn important. Over time I learned how to earn Bs without sacrificing my exposure to pop culture. Since I took honors classes, each B turned into an A on the report card. Don’t ask me to explain why that happened, but thank God it did.
This month at InThePowderRoom I wrote a review for a microscope for girls. Don’t ask me to summarize the content because, as explained earlier, I have no memory of it. But I do remember thinking it came out darned good. You should go read it right now.

 
first photo credit: Science Class at UIS via (license)

second photo credit: Hold My Purse Productions LLC
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Science class was always difficult for me. Throughout my schooling I struggled to earn a decent grade in science. As an adult looking back I realized that most of my education consisted of being taught facts that I attempted to memorize and then retrieve. My memory is poorer than my intelligence wo…
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When I sold the condo, I let the new owners keep the fire pit. It was too heavy to move to my girlfriend’s place. I had built it eleven years prior - the first time my hands had ever touched a saw. The base was a wooden box that I cut and nailed together. If you’ve never built a box there’s a bunch …
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D.J. Paris

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Google app updated last night to 5.10.25.19.arm64. I added the widget to see if the Google Now widget bug was corrected in this release. So far it appears to be working. I'll let you know if Nova crashes. Give it a try!
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Thanks for the report

+Cliff Wade​ FYI
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I almost got into fisticuffs with someone the other day regarding my height. Okay, fisticuffs are an exaggeration. I haven’t ever participated in a true, punch-throwing fight. Once in my youth I jumped on top of a guy who was trying to hurt a co-worker of mine and I tried to choke him out. It was …
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D.J. Paris

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I had never bought fireworks before.
As a child fireworks were illegal in Illinois. If, in high school, you wanted to shoot bottle rockets at your friends while running around a golf course drunk at midnight, you needed to travel out of state to procure the armament. The statutes must have been repealed because this weekend I came across a tent on the way to my parent’s home chock full of China’s best. Google Maps was navigating me through a rural part of the state when I saw the fireworks stand. It was situated in a cornfield with a huge sign revealing that that tent had the “best prices guaranteed.” I almost didn’t stop, however.
What got me to pull over was a phone call. My parents had planned a white water rafting trip for this weekend. This would be a test to see if, as a family, we enjoyed it enough to book a more intense rafting excursion . The word was that this place in Illinois, halfway between Chicago and Peoria, had decent rapids. I didn’t get to find out because the owner called me on my drive to Peoria to let me know that the river had dangerously low water levels and that all rafting trips were canceled. His voice had a thick country accent and he used phrases like, “Shoot!” and “Dawggone it!” while relaying the bad news. As I hung up I saw the tent. Since I had never bought fireworks, and our weekend plans were ruined, I pulled over.
You ever notice that nothing healthy is ever sold in a tent?
Inside the tent I walked straight to the owner and asked for the best option if I wanted to blow up some dorm toilets at the local all-girls college. Not the best icebreaker, I confess, but she laughed. I said I would need a variety pack and that it would only be for me and my parents. She pointed to a massive pack and told me it was what I wanted. Nay, what I needed. Since I trust most everyone, and also I had no idea what I was looking at, I commanded her to ring it up. $160 later my car was stuffed with a 6 ft box of explosives. My dog rode on top of them in the back seat. She didn’t mind.
You can’t tell,but The King is six feet tall. I’m still taller, though. NO FIREWORK IS GOING TO OUT-TALL ME, DAMMIT!
Because July 4th fell on a Monday this year I wasn’t going to be able to stay in Peoria the night of the actual fireworks event. I have to work on a Tuesday, and, I have a perfect vantage of the fireworks here in Chicago from my apartment. And, I’m assuming the Chicago fireworks budget is a smidge larger than the Peoria coffer. Huge Chinese lobbyists in Chicago, you know.
Speaking of Chinese – my former girlfriend and I would play ping pong at a real-deal Chinese ping pong club all the time. This place was straight out of the movie Balls of Fury. I’m about the greatest caucasian ping pong player you’ll ever meet, and she and I would rent out tables there. I bet your town has one. Look in the yellow pages under “ping pong.”
So, last night, on the eve of the 4th, we decided as a family to light off my cornfield-purchased fireworks. Since I had bought some heavy duty stuff the question now became, “Where do we light this stuff off?” I suggested the backyard but was quickly voted down as my parents had just re-bricked and landscaped the back patio and there were trees and grass and other things that could catch fire. Also, it’s a neighborhood so you didn’t want to land a stray roman candle onto someone’s roof  (but seriously, what kind of asshole builds a home with a wood shingle roof?). My father, the great problem solver that he is, reminded us that there was a church a block away with a huge parking lot. He scoped it out and said there weren’t any cars there at the present. I told him that certainly there would be a security guard patrolling the perimeter. My dad shrugged.
I won’t bore you with too many details, because, well, it’s fireworks. You light the fuse, run away and then stare at the sky for a few seconds. Then, repeat ad infinitum. And that’s what we did. Nobody came out of the church to shoo us away. Back when I was nineteen I was a security guard (at a Jewish retirement home) and, if this guard was anything like me, he was inches deep into a Dean Koontz novel, not paying any attention to the flashes of fire or gunshot noises outside. Remind me to tell you about the three times I found dead people that summer at the retirement home. Not hilarious stories, per se, but a few decent chuckles apiece.
After lighting ten of the big cylindrical fireworks, we got busted. A woman in a minivan (why is it always a woman in a minivan?) was driving by, saw our shenanigans, and pulled into the lot. I was busy lighting fireworks so I paid no attention. In between one of the fire-showers I heard her yell, “This is private property! You are all trespassing!” She grumbled another sentence to my mom and then drove off. To her credit she didn’t threaten to call the police, but we got the message. We packed up the remainder of the booty and headed home.
After we got home it occurred to my father that the church coincidentally was of the same denomination as our family. My mom should have said, “No, it’s okay, we’re Presbyterians, too.”
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I had never bought fireworks before. As a child fireworks were illegal in Illinois. If, in high school, you wanted to shoot bottle rockets at your friends while running around a golf course drunk at midnight, you needed to travel out of state to procure the armament. The statutes must have been repe…
1
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D.J. Paris

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Any idea how the auto setting for the dark mode works? It seems to always show dark, never light. Does it look at the clock and adjust to dark at night, or does it use my phone's light sensor? Or something else? I'm on a stock Note 5 running Marshmallow. Thanks!
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D.J. Paris

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Sometimes I have to let an idea incubate. Every month I pen a short piece for InThePowderRoom, probably the greatest humor blog on the web. Or, more accurately, the greatest humor blog on the web that has asked me to contribute. And every month, the head editor Sarah reminds me a week before my dead…
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D.J. Paris

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Once in a while I make a good life decision. Recently, I worked out an exclusive content agreement with beloved humor site InThePowderRoom. This means I write fresh stuff for them every month. My deadline for this month’s article is Thursday. I’m nowhere near finished. It’s a funny idea but I need t…
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D.J. Paris

Bug Reports  - 
 
Latest beta is causing issues with my Note 5. Crashing constantly. I'm on stock Lollipop. It's basically broken.
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D.J. Paris's profile photoThe Droid Mechanix's profile photoscott F's profile photo
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scott F
 
I really don't know which one, sorry
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D.J. Paris

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Harmony Hobbs went viral with an ugly meme, has a huge facebook following, and just recovered from a serious concussion that her own son gave her. She blogs at Modern Mommy Madness and values honesty in her writing above all else. Also, she’s a natural blonde like me, but we didn’t meet at the annua…
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