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Tell me a good joke. [ update —I've featured some of these on Boing Boing!]
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Two men walk into a bar, the third ducks under it.
I will tell you a good knock knock joke. You start.
Michelle Bachmann is running for POTUS
A priest, an Irishman and a Rabbi walk into bar, the barman takes one look and says - "What is this, some kind of joke?"
A seal walks into a club.
What did the 0 say to the 8? "Nice belt!"
You know what really grinds my gears? People who can't use a clutch.
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "The hell is this? Some kind of joke?"
Heard this one on a recent biz travel...what is a pirate's favorite letter?
A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says 'hey, we have a drink named after you!'
The grasshopper looks back at him with a puzzled expression and replies 'You have a drink named Steve?'
There's nothing currently wrong with US Copyright law.
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
1 in 10 people understand binary. The other half don't.
Last night I had a dream that I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up one of my pillows was gone!
Two dogs sit in a bar..
One says:
"One time I was in a dog-race, and came in 1st!"

The other says:
"One time I was in a dog-race, and came in 1st!"

A horse comes up to them and says:
"Couldn't help but overhearing, but one time I was in a horse-race and came in 1st!"

One of dogs says:
"Holy crap!!! A talking horse!!!"
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? It was dead.
Tim Holt
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel tucked in his pants.

The bartender says, "hey buddy, you've got a steering wheel in your pants!"

"Arrr," says the pirate. "It's driving me nuts!"
A Grasshopper walks into a bar
The bartender comes over and says "We have a drink named after you."
The grasshopper says "You have a drink named Steve?"
Tim Holt
A web designer walks into a bar, but immediately leaves when he sees they are using tables. Just not his style.
A prostitute came up to me and said "I'll do anything for $20." "Okay, paint my house!"
Feel free to shoot me. I'm not a Christian, but this joke made me giggle.

Jesus and the Devil are having a typing contest in heaven. The fate of the world rests on the outcome of this seemingly arbitrary contest. They're both at their computers typing away like mad, going crazy and flying through the files.

After about an hour, the power goes out. The Devil screams, "NOOOOOOOOOO! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!!!!!!"

Jesus looks all cool and kicks his sandals up on the desk. Shortly thereafter, the power is restored and the Devil starts typing even more frantically. Jesus types for another ten minutes, and then submits his test.

The Devil, enraged and incredulous looks at Jesus and says, "WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! WE LOST POWER!!!! HOW DID YOU FINISH SO FAST?!?!?!"

Jesus just smiled and said, "Jesus saves, man."
What did one snowman say to another? "Do you smell carrots?"
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb.

A fish.
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were travelling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.

“Aha,” says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”

“Hmm,” says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black.”

“No,” says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
The God of Thunder was riding through the heavens on his dad's horse Sleipner crying out, " I'm THOR !! I'm THOR !!"

A weary viking looked up from the oar of his longship and shouted back, "You forgot your thaddle, thilly !!"
Q: What's red and invisible?

A: No tomatoes.
Jeff Deason
What do you get when you cross your grandmother with an octopus?

A whoooooole lot of cookies.
Alright +Xeni Jardin, you asked for it! hahaha

1) A Priest, a Horse, a Rabbi and a Duck all walk into a bar. The Bartender says: "What is this? Some sort of joke?"

2) A Woman walks into a bar. The Barman asks her what she would like. The Woman says "a Double Entendre", so the Barman gives her one.

3) Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it looked both ways after the light turned green, thereby making it safe and legal to do so. Rules are Rules.
Two guys walk into a bar,
The third one ducks.
How can you tell if people are married? Check to see if they are yelling at the same kids.
Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says "Why the long face?".
Have you heard about the new existentialist breakfast cereal? It's called Raisins D'etre.
Why is an elephant large, grey and wrinkled?
B/c if it were small, white and smooth, it would be an aspirin.
A little girl is crying inconsolably at the side of the road. A kind woman stops to find out what is the matter. “My kitty just died” sobs the girl. The woman wants to offer some comfort. “Well you can be happy to know your kitty is in heaven with Jesus”. The girl stops crying, looks at the woman in amazement and replies “What would Jesus want with a dead cat?”
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's an obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.
Viss ᴁ
What is green, brown, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls onto you from out of a tree?

A pool table.
A horse walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave because they can see the potential danger in the situation.
Jan Rubak
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
In some places the economy's so bad ... It's so bad people are having to barter.

I saw this woman trading baby birds on the side of the road. I asked her "Why are you selling birds on the side of the road?" She replied, "Well, they're small, portable and you can either raise them up or use them as food, so they trade pretty well."

I am impressed. "That's pretty handy to have, you could do well with that!"

"Oh i know,"she grinned "I've started franchising the business, I call them traveller's chicks."
Guy goes to the doctors with a steering wheel stuck to his groin. The Doc says: "What's that doing there?" The guy replies: 'I don't know, but it's driving me nuts.'
On Reddit today:

Today I was approached by Beyonce who had just finished setting up at the studio. She said to me, "Excuse me, hon. You haven't seen my phone have you? It's pink with a 'Bubblicious' cover on it."

I said, "No, sorry. Have you tried calling it?"

She said, "No. I put it on silent."

I said, "If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it."
How do you make a dog drink?

With a blender.
Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? He had no body to go with him!
Q: What did the Zen master say to the hot dog vendor? A: Make me one with everything..
I have one to commemorate the end of NASA. It was told to me by David Sedaris when I made a really offensive Terrie Schiavo joke.
"_Did you hear Christa McAuliffe had dandruff?_"
"_They found her Head and Shoulders on the beach._"
Jesus Christ walked into a hotel. He handed the receptionist a hammer and some nails, and said, "Can you put me up for the night?"
why is 6 afraid of 7? because 7 8 9
Jan Rubak
+George Van Wagner And when the zen master asked the hot dog vendor for his change the vendor replied: "Change comes from within."
How do you get two piccolo players to play in unison?--Shoot one.
A little old lady goes to the doctor. She tells him, "Doctor, I have terrible gas, but it's totally silent and doesn't smell." The doctor runs some tests and writes her a prescription, telling her to come back in a week. A week later she's back, and tells him, "Doctor, I don't know what you did, but now my gas smells absolutely terrible!" The doctor says, "Well, now that we've got your sinuses cleared out, let's see if we can do something about your hearing."
Some bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't allow bacteria in here!" The bacteria reply, "Yes you do- we're staph!"
Jan Rubak
+Laura Lawrie Ooh, breaking out the music jokes. "Why is a viola called a "bratsche" in german? Because that's the sound it makes when you stomp on it."
Why is the area between a woman's breasts and hips called a waist?
They could have fit another pair of tits in there.
How many amoebas does it take to change a lightbulb? One. No, 2. No, 4! ...
A turtle is filling out a police report regarding his stolen shell. The officer asks if he knew the assailants, to which, he replies, "I don't know. I think it was a gang of snails....but it just happened SO FAST."
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff ...
Ba dum kkssshhh
Lay's All-Gnatural Potato Chips: "Ruffles Have Midges"
Why do marxists drink herbal tea? Because property is theft.
A magician was walking down the street and turned into a store.
What's the difference between a trampoline and an accordion?

You take your shoes off when jumping on a trampoline.
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick
So I may have Alzheimers.....
... but at least I don't have Alzheimers.

[I know, I know...its not the most genteel joke, but it is funny - and easy to remember - ha!]
Did you hear the one about the lensmaker? He feel into the lens grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.

The bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve your kind here."

The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"
What's the difference between an accordion and a concertina?

The accordion takes longer to burn.
Knock KnocK!
Who's there?
Interrupting coefficient of Friction!
Interrupting coeffici.....
Say out loud for greatest affect.

Did you hear about the zoo that only had one dog?

Yeah... it was a Shih Tzu
Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says "Hey, why the long face!"

Horse says "Coz I got AIDS."
What do you do when an elephant comes in your window? Swim.
Two hydrogen atoms walk out of a bar. One says, “we gotta go back—I left my electron behind!” “Are you sure?” “Yes, I’m positive!”
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It's a pretty obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.
What does a tightrope walker and a guy getting a bj from his 80y old neighbor have in common? Both are thinking : "Don't look down!"
After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F.
A dog walks into a bar & the barman asks it what it wants to drink.

He is fired.
Tim M.
I used to have a job at the circus circumcising elephants. The job was awful, but the tips were huge.
Written by my 3yr. Old
Knock knock
Who's there
Amos who
A mosquito bit me and it really itches.
A: Knock, knock.
B: Who’s there?
A: Kid with ADD.
B: Kid with ADD wh—
A: Let’s go ride bikes!
A wife asks her husband, a software engineer... "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."
What kind of bees make milk?

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
Jan Rubak
Q: Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? A: Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.
The circus came to was in-tents!
How many PR people does it take to change a lightbulb?

-Let me get back to you.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.
Q: What's the most successful pickup line ever?
A: "Does this smell like chloroform?"
There are 10 kinds of people.
Those who understand binary and those who don't
What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Why aren't math jokes funny in Octal?

Because 7 10 11.
True story: I told a coworker that there were three kinds of people, those who can count and those who can't. They kept saying "what's the third kind?" and after several tries of repeating the joke, we all felt sorry for them and just stopped.
A man goes to his doctor because his elbow hurts. The doctor hands him a cup and says "I just got this fantastic computer - it can diagnose any ailment with a simple urine sample."

The guy pees in the cup and the doctor puts the cup in the machine. It spins and whirrs a little, then spits out the diagnosis:

"You have tennis elbow."

The guy says "that's crazy - I've never played tennis in my life!"

The doctor says "OK, I'll call the technician in to take a look, come back tomorrow.

The next day the guy comes back, pees in the cup, which goes into the machine. The machine whirrs and spins a bit, then prints out the diagnosis:

"You have tennis elbow."

The guy says "that's crazy - it still says I have tennis elbow when I've never played tennis in my life!"

The doctor says "well, the technician said it could be thrown off by diet. Go home, skip supper, and bring me your first urine tomorrow morning."

The guy goes home, then thinks "I'll show that doctor!" He gets a urine sample from his wife, his daughter, his dog, and the mailman. Then for good measure, he masturbates and puts that in there too.

The next day, he takes the bottle of to the doctor, who places it in the machine. The machine grinds and screeches for 5 minutes, after which it prints out the following:

"Your daughter is a lesbian; your dog has mange; your wife is pregnant with the mailman's baby; and if you don't stop masturbating, your tennis elbow will never get better."
Jan Rubak
Why do computer geeks always confuse Hallowe'en with Christmas? Because DEC 25 = OCT 31.
Two fish in a tank:

One says to the other, "You drive, I'll man the gun."
A local reporter is given the assignment of writing a feature on a local lady who has recently turned 100 years old. He goes to her house and has a lovely interview with her over tea and cookies. The reporter asks "Ma'am, you do look remarkably well for your age. Have you ever been bedridden?"

"Oh, yes! Many times!" She replied. "And once in a buggy!"
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
a Stick
What do you call a quadrapeligic in a pool?

A guy goes to the doctor. Doctor says, "Take off all your clothes, stand at the window, and stick out your tongue." The guy asks why. The doctor says, "Because I'm mad at the guy across the street!"
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if the store carries extra-large condoms.
"Yes we do," he says. "Would you like to buy some?"
"No," she replies. "But do you mind if I wait around until someone does?"
What do you call a quadriplegic on the floor?

What do you call a quadriplegic in a hole?

Since it is sounding a lot like Prairie Home Companion around here, I'll rip them off:

Two Cows were standing at the fence.

First cow: "What do think about this mad cow disease?"

Second cow: "What do I care? I'm a helicopter!"

one of my favorites
What do you call a quadriplegic in a mailbox?

Q: What's black, white & red all over?
A: A penguin!

(the penguin is a communist)
What do you call a quadriplegic in a pan?

Did you hear about he plastic surgeon that hung himself?
What do you call a quadriplegic on a bun?

Q: What should you do if you're attacked by a gang of clowns?
A: Go for the juggler.
Why was the elephant lying on its back? -- It was trying to trip the birds.
Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his friends on the road?
Watson exclaims. "Well done, Holmes! Your incredible deductions have lead to incontrovertable proof of the guilt of the murderer, and the pile of lemons at the scene of every crime neatly tie all the murders together. But one thing still confuses me. Where did all the lemons come from?"

"A lemon tree, Mr. Watson."
What do you call a quadriplegic in a scabbard?

A penguin's car is overheating so he drops it off at a mechanic and goes to eat an ice cream cone.
He comes back to the shop covered in vanilla ice cream.
The mechanic says 'Hey, it looks like you blew a seal'
The penguin says 'No no no, it's just ice cream!'
The path to enlightenment is found in the lyrics of Spinal Tap.
How can you tell if there's a drummer at your front door?

The knocking speeds up...and he doesn't know when to come in.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?

Q: How do you make a dead baby float?

A: Two scoops vanilla ice cream, one scoop dead baby.
Two guys walk into a bar carrying geese but the third one, ducks.
John and Bill were hunting in the forest when they came across some tracks. John thought they were deer tracks, but Bill insisted they were elk tracks. Then they both got hit by a train.
Did you hear about the man who cooled himself to absolute zero? He's 0K.
Knock knock… who's there? I'm a pile up…
(my 4-year-old's favorite joke)
What another word for a gay dinosaur? A Thesaurus
Why did the farmer start a punk rock band? Because he was sick of Hall'n'Oats.
So this penguin in Bronx zoo gets a call from the San Diego zoo and wants him to be the star penguin of their zoo. Big fat salary, tons of fish, it's a sweet deal and the penguin jumps all over it. So the penguin packs up his car and starts driving cross country (because he can't fly, of course). When he gets to the middle of nowhere in Arizona, his car breaks down. Luckily for him, a mechanic comes by and offers to tow the car and give him a ride into town. "Don't worry, penguin," The mechanic said, "just go down the road to the bar, and sit tight, I'll have it fixed in hour."

So the penguin goes to the bar, and he's sweating and hot and stick, because penguins aren't used to the heat. So when he gets inside, he almost faints from heat stroke. The bartender, a fine and caring fellow that he is, give the penguin a giant bowl of vanilla ice cream to eat and cool off with. Unfortunately, the penguin can't use a spoon with his flippers so he just shovels the stuff in his mouth. It's a mess, but he doesn't care.

After eating all that ice cream, he walks back down to the mechanic and the mechanic is still working on the car. The mechanic says as he's working on the car, "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No! No! It's just ice cream!"
Q: What do you call a Jewish guy flying an airplane?
A: A pilot, racist.
two peanuts walk into a bar. one is assaulted.
It seems there was this elephant who decided to get a part time job at a bakery* to save up to buy a toilet. When he showed up to the interview the manager asked the elephant what qualifications he had to work a part time job.

As the elephant passionately laid out his extensive retail and patisserie experience, the manager interrupted him curtly exclaiming. "Wait - if you buy a toilet and flush your business - what will the poor dung beetles eat?"

Just then the elephant straightened his tie and tossed this beauty of a zinger orally into the ether. "They shall eat your finest croissants," the elephant intoned. "And doubtless that they shan't taste the diff!"

*you should know that this particular bakery is know for the unusual poor quality of its croissants.
Jewish kid walks up to his father and asks for 50 dollars. His father says, "40 dollars? What do you need 30 dollars for? Here's 20."
Q: How many guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to do it, and then one to show the first one how to do it better.

Q: How many vocalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. They just hold the bulb, and the whole world revolves around them.

Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There are machines that do that now.
An AT&T cell tower walks into a bar and says, "I wo...enj...blac...nin...ou.........."
says, Hi... I am afraid I am unable to answer my mobile phone at the moment but if you leave me a message, The News of the World will email it to me later
If someone tells you to RTFM, you should reply (quizzically): "The Kama Sutra?"
Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: That's NOT funny
When I die I want to go quietly in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming in terror like his passengers.
Two cowboys are in the kitchen, which one is the real cowboy?
The one working on the range.
Q: How do you know if someone's vegan?

A: Oh, they'll tell you...
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre.
I ran out of Odor Eaters and started putting breath mints in my shoes. Now I have Tic Tac Toes.
What do you call a raft guide without a girlfriend?
Neon walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gasses here." .......Neon doesn't react.
Why did the condom fly across the room?

It got pissed off!
Two shepherds were driving down a road. The passenger, asks the driver "Have you ever made a u-turn?" the other says "Nope but I made 'er eyes water"
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Q. How many words does it take to tell a light bulb joke?

A. Eleven. One to answer it, and ten to explain the answer.
A man walks into a bar, takes out a can of black spray paint, and starts drawing all over the vestibule.

Enraged, the bartender yells at the man, "Get outta here! And never darken my doorway again!"
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. But don't ask me how they got in there.
A Koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said 'Hey, What are you doing?'
The Koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few hits. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was dry and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
As he leaned over, he lost his grip on the tree and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the lizard and helped him to the banks. "What happened to you?"
So the lizard explained what had happened and the crocodile went back to the tree to see if the koala would let him have a few hits as well. When he left the river and went to the tree he looked up and said, "Hey you!"
The koala looked down and said "Shit dude, how much water did you drink?"
(+Andy Barilla took mine. It's the only joke I can easily remember.) (Now how do I make that name be a link? and / or How do I specifically comment on his comment/joke?)
Sherlock Holmes and Watson go on a country outing, where they set up a camp, raising a tent, unrolling sleeping bags, setting stones in a circle for a fire along with an array of cooking implements,

They go fishing, and catch several trout in a nearby stream, which they roast over their campfire and savor and as the sun sets, .They then retire for a night's sleep

Later that night, Holmes awakens Watson and asks him, "Watson, look at the sky, and tell me what you deduce from the stars".

Watson ponders for a moment, then pronounces, "Well, Holmes, I would say that, given the vast myriad of stars visible in this clear rural sky, that it is quite possible that there are many stars similar to our own. And, among those, there may be planets orbiting around them, of different types and sizes, but among those planets-- again, given the sheer vastness and variety in the universe-- there are some that are similar to our own. Furthermore, some of those planets may be similar enough to our own such that they harbor life, and among those forms of life, intelligent forms-- similar to our own!"

Holmes reponds, "No, Watson. Rather; that someone has stolen our tent."
A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says 'hey, we have a drink named after you!'
The grasshopper looks back at him with a puzzled expression and replies 'You have a drink named Tom Collins?'
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One exclaims to the other, "Oh no! I've lost my electron!"
The other one says "Are you sure?"
The first one says "Yes, I'm positive."
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb?

To get to the other side!
How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, that's a hardware problem.
A penguin's car is overheating so he drops it off at a mechanic and goes out to run a few errands.
He comes back to the shop. The mechanic says 'Hey, it looks like you blew a seal'
The penguin says 'No no no, it was a sea lion. You can tell from the ears.'
My next door neighbour was over complaining about someone stealing her clothes off the line. I nearly shit in her pants
I was on the tube/metro the other day when I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes. I called her up the next day to ask her out on a date but sorry to hear she'd popped her clogs.
A businessman arrives at the pearly gates. St. Peter asks him if he's ever done anything to make a positive difference for anyone else. The businessman says "Sure, I saw a gang of bikers hassling a young woman. I pushed one bike over, which knocked all the rest of them down. Then I went right up to the nearest biker, and punched him square in the nose." St. Peter says, "Wow, when was that?" "About two minutes ago."
Why did Schrodinger's chicken cross the road? Because it was already there. It may have also been dead, but I haven't figured how to work that in yet.
An Australian, A New Zealander and an Englishman were trapped in a cave with Nazi's closing in, out of desperation to find an exit the Australian found a lamp, rubbing it a Genie came forth and allowed each of the three to have one wish each.

The Australian goes "I wish to go home back to the wife and kids" Nodding the Genie waved his hand and the Australian was gone.

Next the New Zealander asked " ey that's a Good idea! Take me back to my bro's back in Christchurch!" The Genie nodded and with a wave of his hand the New Zealander vanished.

Looking around nervously the Englishman rattled as he cried out "I hate being alone I wish my friends were back with me!" Nodding the Genie waved his hand bringing both the New Zealander and Australian back, as the Genie vanished the Nazi army arrived and shot all three dead.
How many many manufacturer's reps does it take to change a light bulb?

I'll have to check with the factory.
A man walks into the doctor's office with his wife and says "Dr. my wife smells. Which is a problem because I stink!"
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change the lightbulb, and one to fill the onyx bathtub with brightly coloured cricket bats.
English Teacher: Knock knock.
Student: Who's there?
English Teacher: To.
Student: To who?
English Teacher (shaking head): To whom.
Two snowmen standing in a field. One says to the other: "Can you smell carrots?"
Two peanuts were walking through a park. One was a-salted.
An Air Caledonia plane explodes and Jock and McTavish find themselves rapidly plummeting side-by-side to their certain deaths. Jock has a think, takes £50 from his wallet and says, "McTavish, here's yon £50 I borrowed from ye in 1995." As McTavish pockets it, he says "Cheers, pal. Oh, d'ye think ye could see yer way to lending me another £50?".
I thought the correct answer to "How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?" is "Two. One to hold the giraffe, while the other fills the bathtub with brightly-painted machine tools." ...but quoting an old Unix fortune file feels like cheating.
Why do you feel fancy when you're in the bathroom? European.
My favorite joke is about Jonestown but I had to quit telling it because the punchline was too long.
What do you call Santa's little helpers? .... Subordinate Clauses.
a priest, an aborigine and 6 weasels walk into a bar. bartender says, "what's this, a joke?"
How was most upset about not being invited to the Royal Wedding ?

Princess Diana, she was crushed.
Eric Cantor, Louie Gohmert and Michelle Bachmann walk up to a bar. "Three Zombies," says Bachmann. "OK," says the bartender, "but what're gonna have?"
Q: Why do you always see dead possums on the side of the road? A: The chickens use them to check for traffic.
Have I told you about the new exercise program I'm developing for British musicians?

Initial results aren't that great, though I'm still working out the Kinks.
I'm working on a vegan kung fu movie. Starring Brock Lee
How do you tell an extroverted physicist from an introverted physicist? An extroverted physicist looks at your shoes.
A reporter and an editor are lost in a desert. They'd run out of water a while back and they are totally lost and thirsty when they finally approach a rocky, mossy area with a couple of shrubs and the tiniest little trickle of a spring. The editor hands the reporter the empty canteen and gestures for him to go ahead and fill it. It's taking forever, though, and the editor impatiently waves him aside, hikes up her skirt, squats over the spring, and pees in it.

The reporter stares at her, shocked.

"What's your problem?" she says. "I was just trying to give you a little more to work with!"
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender says, "hey, we don't serve your kind in here." The frustrated rope goes outside, paces back and forth in anger and works himself up so much that he ends up all ragged and tied up in a big knot. He decides that, screw it, he's going back in anyway. Bartender shouts out, "hey, aren't you the rope I just told to beat it?" The rope's mood lightens up and he replies, "nope, I'm a frayed knot."
What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died? Nothing.
How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just redefine darkness to be the industry standard.
What do you do to an elephant with three balls?
Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two: one to hold the giraffe, and one to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured machine parts.
A priest, a something, and a something else walk into a bar. Bartender says, "Godammit, not again. Read the list first, people."
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under one arm. "I'll have two pints", he says, "one for me, and one for the road."
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's a really obscure number you probably haven't heard of.
A man goes flying down the road in his brand-new Porsche. He comes over the crest of the hill and a cop pulls him over. The cop swaggers up to the guy, shoves his radar gun in his face and says "You got any reason to be goin' so goddamn fast?"

The guy says "Yes, officer. I'm late for work. I have a very important job. You see, I'm a rectum stretcher."

The cop looks and says "What the hell's a rectum stretcher?"

The guy says "Well, I stick one finger from each hand in and start to stretch the rectum, then I sneak my second finger in and stretch, then the third, and then once I finally get four fingers in, I stretch that sucker till it's six feet wide."

The cop says "What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?"

The guy replies, "Give him a radar gun, put him in a cop car, and stick him on top of a hill."
Ian Cyr
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

A: A Flat Miner
A young man invited a young woman out on a date. They had dinner at a nice restaurant. Afterward the young man asked his date if she would join him in a cigarette. "Oh no," she said. "What would I tell my Sunday school class?"

So the man was driving her home and they passed near a drinking establishment. The man asked her if she would join him for a drink. "Oh no," she said again. "What would I tell my Sunday school class?"

A bit later they passed near a motel, and the young man decided to go for broke. He asked her if she would like to stop there for a bit of fun. "That sounds great," she said. "Let's do it."

"But what will you tell your Sunday school class?"

"The same thing I always tell them: You don't have to smoke or drink to have a good time."
- Why did the man wear two pairs of pants when he went golfing?

- In case he got a hole in one.
A ballerina walks into a barre...
Steve "Croc Hunter" Irwin walks into a bar....b.
What's the last thing to go through a bug's head when it hits a speeding car's windshield? His butt. (heard this one from a 6-yr-old boy telling it to his doctor).
Did you hear the one about the guy in the bathroom?


Neither did I, the door was locked.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.(Steve Wright)
True story: the only thing a classmate of mine wrote on a chemistry test was "MacGyver would've known"
Q: What do you call a black man flying an airplane?
A: A pilot, you racist!

BTW, a friend of mine started this same thread on FB awhile back and had exactly the same joke as you as her first response. Great minds and all that!
A wise man never plays leap frog with a unicorn...
A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says 'hey, we have a drink named after you!'
The grasshopper looks back at him with a puzzled expression and replies 'You have a drink named Sex on the Beach?'
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the armadillo it could be done.
Why does a giraffe have such a long it can reach its head
A termite walks into a bar and asks "Where's the bar tender?"
A duck walks into a bar. He waddles up to the bartender and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender says "No" and the duck leaves.

The duck comes back the next day and asks the bartender "Do you have you have any grapes?". The bartender looks really annoyed and says "No, damn it! This is a bar, not a grocery. Take a hike!" The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck comes back yet again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender says "For the last time, No! If come back and ask that again, I'll nail your beak to the bar." The duck leaves.

The duck comes back the next day and asks "Do you have a hammer?". The bartender looks confused and says "No." Then, the duck says "Oh, good. Do you have any grapes?"
A bear walks into a bar, and says to the bartender "I'd like a gin and.................................tonic'

The bartender responds "What's with big pause?"
A woman walks in a bar in Montana, middle of nowhere. She sits down next to an old weather beaten man in a ten gallon hat, spurs, the whole nine yards. She says "Are you a real cowboy?" He pauses, tips back his hat, looks at her and says "Yep, I reckon I am". She replies "I'm a lesbian. All day long I do nothing but think about women, from the moment I get up in the morning to the moment I fall asleep at night." She finishes her drink and leaves. A few minutes later a husband and wife, obviously tourists, walk in and sit down next to the cowboy. The husband says "Are you a real cowboy?" He pauses, takes a sip of whiskey and replies, "Well I always thought I was but it turns out all this time I've been a lesbian".
Two fermions walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a gin and tonic." The other one says, "Hey! That's what I wanted!"
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Another man walks up to him and says to the first, "Hey. The special of the day lets you defy gravity! Watch!" He walks over to the window, steps out, does a couple of spins in the air and comes back in.
The first man says to the bartender, "I'll have the special of the day!" The bartender gives him the drink and the man drinks it. He then walks over to the window, steps out and plummets to his death.
The bartender says, "Superman. You can be a real jerk when you are drunk!"
There are 11 types people in the world: those that understand binary, those that don't understand binary and those who can't tell the difference.
Q: How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?

A: You haven't heard?
My hotel was haunted, when I walked in my room there was a sheet lying on the floor.
It must have been a ghost that had passed out.
-Mitch Hedberg
Q: How many dull people does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One.
How do you make a cat go "woof"?
Douse her in gasoline, and toss a lit match at her...WOOOFFFF

How do you make a dog go "meow"?
Put him in the freezer. Take out when good and solid. Crank up the table saw. Push dog through...MMMMEEEEOOOOWWWWW
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's a pretty obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it.
There are two types of people in the world.
The kind of people who divide people into two types.
What does it mean when the drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?
The floor is level.
you know how birds will fly in a V formation sometimes?

do you know why one side of the V is usually longer than the other?

... there are more birds on that side!
whats the difference between chopped pork and pea soup?

anyone can chop pork, but no one can pee soup!!!
According to scientific research, the following is the funniest joke in the world.

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then the sound of a gunshot. Then the guy comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"
Q: How many hipsters does it take to retell the hipster lightbulb joke over and over?

Freud jokes:
- How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to turn the bulb and one to hold the penis—I mean ladder!
- A Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you're really thinking about a mother.
A SQL query walks into a bar, goes up to two tables, and asks "May I join you?"
A man is condemned to Hell. In a moment of either brilliance or sheer stupidity, he challenges Satan to a contest: he says, "If I can find something that you can't melt in three tries, you'll let me go." Overconfident, Satan agrees. For his first try, the man brings Satan a large stone. Satan melts it, no problem, cackling. For his second try, the man brings Satan a diamond. Satan, once again, manages to melt it (this time with some effort). Satan says, "Is that all you got??"
Then the man pulls out a small, round object and hands it over to Satan. Satan laughs and turns up the heat like crazy. Even the devils are sweating. Satan is all on fire. He's breathing hard, raising the temperature as high as he can turn it --- finally, after trying his hardest, he finally gives up. "WHAT IS THIS?!" He demands to know.
The man looks up with a smirk and says, "An M&M. It melts in your mouth, not in your hand."
Rene Descartes walks into a bar - a sleazy woman walks up to him and says "Hey handsome, buy me a drink?" He sneers at her and says, "Madam I think not" and disappears.
Q: What do you call a Filipino contortionist?
A: A Manila folder! Ba dum ching!
What else is brown and sticky?

A brown sticker!
Rumsfeld walks into the Oval Office and says "I have terrible news, Mr. President. Last night 11 Brazilians died in Iraq." George W. Bush replies, "That is terrible, what a loss of human life! Wait, how many zeros are in a Brazilian?"
The analyst is talking to Mickey Mouse. He says: "Mr. Mouse, we have done a through personality evaluation of Ms. Minnie Mouse and can find no evidence of any mental instability." "No, no Doc!', replies Mickey. "I didn't say she was nuts! I said she was foofin' Goofy!"
I like my women like I like my whiskey - 12 years old and slightly below room temperature.
Q: How do you get air conditioning in a Greek-Orthodox church?

A: You click on the Icon and the window opens.
What's black and white and red all over and doesn't fit through revolving doors?

A nun with a harpoon through her head.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef

What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
lean beef
What kind of socks do pirates wear?

How much do pirate earrings cost?
A buck an ear.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $1.79; deer nuts are under a buck.
Why do men have nipples?

So they can nurse a hangover...
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo? A pouch potato.
This Rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder.
The bartender says "Hey, that's pretty cool - where'd you get that?"
"Brooklyn", says the frog, "they're all over the place there!"
Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in his car?
The drummer locked inside nearly starved to death!
A Man walks into a dentist's office. The dentist asks, "What seems to be the problem?"

"Well," said the man, "I'm a moth."

"A Moth? You mean the little insect with wings?"

"Right, a moth."

"Oh," said the dentist, "You don't need me, you need a psychiatrist. Why did you come to my office?"

"Your light was on."
Name dropping just makes you look desperate, at least that's what Paul McCartney told me.
A boy was walking home from school when he noticed that in the bushes, there was a rabbit looking at him. The rabbit turned out to be quite tame and friendly and followed him home. The boy excitedly showed off the rabbit to his mother when he got home and asked if he could keep him. His mother replied, "Go to your room, Bobby and do your homework and I'll show him to your father."

The boy did as he was told, and before he knew it he was being called for dinner. Coming to the table, he saw both his parents seated there looking pleased and the rabbit had been prepared as the main course. The boy was visibly crestfallen. His father, noting his young son's distress, looked at him and said, "What's the matter, Bobby, won't you have a bite of the hare that dogged you?"
Two cannibals are having dinner, and one of them says to the other, "Man, I really don't like my mother-in-law." The other sighs and says, "Well then just eat the noodles."
What's the difference between a seamstress and a Baroque trumpet player? A seamstress tucks up frills.
Q: How many Development Executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One - but does it have to be a light bulb?

Q: How many screenwriters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: But the light bulb is the best part!
I told my girlfriend "You just don't understand me." She said, "Quoi?"
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office, wearing only cellophane.
The psychiatrist looks up and says "I can clearly see yer nuts".
Q. How many designers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Does it have to be a light bulb?
Werner Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding. When the state trouper asks "Do you have ANY idea how fast you were going?", Heisenberg just smiles and says, "No, but I know where I was!" 
I think Jesus is behind all this "Christmas in July" talk. He's gotta be tired of getting all his presents on the same day.
Do you believe in infant baptism?
Believe in it? Heck, I've seen it done!
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? A: Wanna ride bikes?
A snail goes to a local Nissan dealership and looks at the inventory. A salesman walks up to him and asks “May I help you?”

The snail looks at him and says, “I’m here to buy a car. I’d like to test drive…. that one,” as he points to a brand new Z.

The salesman looks a little surprised. “Oooh-kay.” He walks inside, comes back outside and returns to the snail. He hands him the keys. “Here you go.”

“Thanks!” The snail gets into the car and turns the key. The engine purrs. The snail presses the accelerator and the roars. He drops it into gear and races out of the parking lot.Ten minutes later, the car whips back into the lot. The snail gets out with a huge grin. “That was great! I’ll take it! But there’s just one thing…”

The salesman shifts a little. “Yes, sir…?”

The snail turns to look at the car and turns back to the salesman: “I want you to take off the “Z”.”

“But, sir… that’s… that’s….”

“That’s my condition. I’ll pay for it right now and drive the car off the lot, but the “Z” has to go. I want you to put an “S” on it, instead.”

The salesman looks a little uneasy. “Let me… see what I can do.” He heads inside of the dealership. He returns a few minutes later. “Okay, it looks like we can take care of that for you. It will take about twenty minutes.”

The snail smiles widely and says,”That’s no problem.” The two go inside as a mechanic exits the building and drives the car into the auto shop. They fill out the paperwork and shortly afterwards, the snail and his new car are tearing out of the parking lot.

Another salesman comes over to the first one and asks,”So… what was that all about? The deal with taking the car into the shop and whatnot?”

“Oh, he wanted the “Z” removed from the car… and an “S” put on in its place.”

“Huh?! That’s weird.”

“Yeah, but look at that little S-car go!”
Hear the one about the programmer that got stuck in the shower?
The directions on the shampoo said "Lather, Rinse, Repeat"
Hear the one about the girl who liked her men to be like submarines?
"Long, hard and full of seamen"
Have you heard about the new pirate movie?

It's rated ARRR.
We have a three-legged turtle.
We call her Eileen.
what was Ronald Reagan's favorite pickup line? "Do I come here often?"
Q: Why did the baby cross the road? A: It was stapled to the chicken.
A web developer walked into a bar, but quickly left when he saw the table layout
Q: Whaddya call a guy with no arms or legs in Elmer Fudd's bathtub? A: Dwayne
Why do Marxists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
I actually know it this way:
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One is bathing in molten telephones and the other one is extinguishing the burning giraffe.
Two men came to my door the other day. One of them said "We want to talk to you about Jesus"
I said "Oh no, what's he done now?"
Q: How many Black Bloc-ers does it take to change a light bulb?
A; Black Bloc-ers don't change anything.

Ask your local anarchist vegan urban farmer bike punk if you don't get it.
The town bell ringer died, so the head monk decided to hold auditions for the new position. He was waiting in the bell tower when suddenly a man with no arms came bursting through the door. The monk was shocked. "I'm sorry sir, but this job requires ringing the bells...are you able to do that in your condition?"
"Of course!" replied the man. Just give me a chance. So the man walked to the edge of the tower and then ran towards the bell at full speed. At the last moment, he flew into the air and hit the bell with his head. BONNNNNG!
The man, dazed, walked back to the edge of the tower and once again ran towards the bell. Once more, he jumped at the last moment and slammed his head into the bell. BONNNNG!
The man, having trouble standing on his own two feet, stumbled back to the edge, pivoted, and ran towards the bell. At the last moment, he leapt into the air, but missed the bell completely. He screamed as he fell twenty stories to his death.
The monk quickly ran down the stairs of the tower. When he arrived at the ground floor, a crowd of villagers had already surrounded the poor man's body. "Who was this man?!" one villager cried.
The monk sighed. "I don't know, but his face rang a bell."
A few weeks passed before the head monk was ready to hold auditions for the position of the town bell ringer again. He waited at the top of the tower when suddenly, yet another man with no arms walked through the door. "Is this where the audition is?" he asked.
"Now, I really must object!" the monk said. "We just had a man here a few weeks ago with your same condition, and he fell to his death."
"Yes," the armless man said sadly. "That was my brother Georg. Before he died, he made me promise that if anything were ever to happen to him, I would carry on his stead. Just give me a shot!" The monk thought for a moment, then nodded wearily.

So the man walked to the edge of the tower and then ran towards the bell at full speed. At the last moment, he flew into the air and hit the bell with his head. BONNNNNG!
The man, dazed, walked back to the edge of the tower and once again ran towards the bell. Once more, he jumped at the last moment and slammed his head into the bell. BONNNNG!
The man, having trouble standing on his own two feet, stumbled back to the edge, pivoted, and ran towards the bell. At the last moment, he leapt into the air, but missed the bell completely. He screamed as he fell twenty stories to his death.
"Not again!" the monk cried, and ran down the stairs of the tower. When he arrived at the ground floor, another crowd of villagers had surrounded the body. "Who was this man?!" one villager cried.
The monk sighed. "I don't know, but he was a dead ringer for his brother."
You know how when ducks fly in a V formation there's always one side of the V longer than the other? Know why that is?
More ducks in that line.
What's the difference between a musician and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of 4.
A horse walks into a bar. The barman says "why the long face?" The horse says "my cat just died."
A polar bear walks into a bar. He says "A pint of.... BITTER! Please."

The barman says "Why the big pause?"

The bear says "I've got a stutter you... BASTARD!"
I've got shakesperian tourettes, you pack of tuppenny pox ridden doxies.
This just doesn't work without any way to rate the jokes. Anyway, have you heard my impression, it's a gay snake : Hiththththth
Q) Why do women wear perfume & makeup?Because they stink & they're ugly?
Q: What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a sports car?
A: I don't have a sports car in my garage.
How many bluegrass bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

1. 5. 1. 5. 1. 5....
Q: How many kinds of physicists are there?
A: Three. Those who can count and those who can't.
Did you hear the one about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
Q: What's ET short for?
A: He's just got little legs.
- A man walks into a shop and says; "I'd like to buy a chicken." The salesman responds; "Sir, I cannot sell you a chicken, this is a clothing store." "Very well then," replies the man, "might you sell me a chicken suit?"
Q: What's green and hard?
A: A frog with a knife!
There are two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other... "Well, do you know how to drive this thing?"

First heard this when I was twelve. I maintain it's the funniest english-language joke ever.
Here's literally the first joke I remember telling in my life. I was six at the time.

A boy addresses the man standing next to him on the bus: "Sir, don't you have feet of your own?" -- "Yes sure. Why?" -- "Because you are standing on mine!"
Yo mama's so fat .... when she went into space .... there wasn't any!
Q: What's the difference between a professional musician and a large pizza?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Philip Glass."
What's the difference between broccoli and boogers?

Kids don't eat broccoli.
A byte walks into a bar looking dejected. Bartender asks "What's wrong?". The byte replies "I think I have a parity error". The bartender says "Yeah, you did look a bit off..."
Three old Jewish men are on a park bench. The first one says "Oy vey! Let me tall ya about my son. I send him to law school, he's the big lawyer, making all the money and arguing to the supreme court. What's he do? He converts to Christianity."

The second one says "Oy vey! Let me tall ya about my son. I send him to business school, he's the big executive, making all the money and working on Wall Street. What's he do? He converts to Christianity."

The third one says "Oy vey! Let me tall ya about my son. I send him to medical school, he's the big doctor, making all the money and doing the big surgeries. What's he do? He converts to Christianity."

So the first raises his eyes, looking up and shouts "Oh Yaweh, why do you send such trials to your own people?"

And God looks down saying "Oy vey, let me tell ya about my son!"
A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, "Do you have any chapstick?" When the pharmacist hands it to him, the duck replies, "Thanks, just put it on my bill."
Did I tell you the joke about butter?! ...No? Oh. I probably thought you would spread it.
Opposites -

The shortest sentence in the world: "Go!"

The longest sentence in the world: "I do."
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper? Ask Hugh Hefner.
How many marxists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Zero. The bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

How many lojban speakers does it take to change a broken lightbulb?
65536: one to remove the old bulb, and 65535 to argue on the mailing list about what kind of bulb emits broken light.

How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He hands it to zero marxists and reduces it to a trivial problem.

How many dadaists does it take to change a lightbulb?
To get to the other side.

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Seven. One to regard the corpse, and to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

How can you tell which of the mathematicians in your department are secretly topologists?
Take them all out for coffee and doughnuts and wait for someone to ask which is which.

Two blondes walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would have noticed.

A blonde walks into a bar. She is taken to the hospital quickly by ambulance, because head injuries are very serious.

An engineer, a mathematician, and an english teacher are given the task of enclosing the largest possible space with a given portion of fencing. The english teacher tries various lengths and widths, measuring the area each time, and after a few hours finally settles on a square, still wondering if he got it right. The engineer takes two minutes to make a circle out of his fencing and then leaves for the bar. The mathematician thinks for a moment, rolls the fencing up very tightly, sticks it into the ground like a post, and says "I declare myself to be inside the fenced area!"
A dog walks into a bar with a bloody bandage wrapped around his hand. He stares down the bartender and says, "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."
(From The Muppet Show): What is green, waves his arms, and lives in Chinese restaurants? Kermit the Egg Roll!

Also: Some bacon, eggs, and toast walk into a bar. The bartender sees them and yells, "Get out! We don't serve breakfast!"

My mom's favorite zen joke: Ask me if I'm an orange. ("Are you an orange?") No.
Pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel half tucked into his pants. The bartender asks him "what's with the wheel?" The pirate replys "Arr, it be drivin me nuts!"
What is the difference between a piano and a quitar? A piano burns longer.
Two muffins in a toaster over. One looks at the other and says,"Wow. Pretty hot in here, huh?" The other looks at him and yells, "Holy crap, a talking muffin!"
Two Democrats are flying across country in a small plane. Somewhere over Kansas, they develop engine trouble and make a forced landing in the middle of nowhere. After waiting a few days for rescue, they decide to go for help. While trudging along, they stumble across some railroad tracks. They follow them for hours, then one remarks, "Man, these stairs go on forever!" The other adds, "Yeah, but it wouldn't be so bad if the damn handrail weren't so low!"
Why do rappers carry umbrellas?

Fo' drizzle!
Q: How many performance artists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: I don't know. I left.

Q: How do Performance Artists turn on the lights?
A: They open the car door.

Two Performance Artists were sitting on the floor.... One fell off.

Q: When is a Performance Artist NOT a Performance Artist?
A: When it's ajar.

Q: Why did the Performance Artist bring a ladder to the art gallery?
A: He wanted to see some High Art

Q: Why did the Performance Artist stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
What kind of coffee did they serve on the Titanic?

A jewish man consults his wife: "I really don't know what our son will become. He won't tell me what he wants to do with his life." His wife says: "Simple. We'll put a Bible, some money and a bottle of wine on the table. When he comes back, we'll know. If he takes the Bible, he'll become a Rabbi. If he takes the money, he'll become a business man. If he takes the wine, he'll be a drunkard and never amount to anything." So they put the stuff on the table and wait, looking in from the other room. Their son comes back, sees the table. He takes the Bible, stuffs the money in his pocket and drinks the wine. "Oy vey!" says the father. "He's going to be a catholic priest."
The President has a meeting with a business leader, a libertarian leader and a union leader. The President puts out a huge plate of cookies. The business leader reaches over and takes all the cookies expect one. He then leans over to the libertarian leader and whispers, "Don't look now, but I think that union guys want to steal your cookie."
What's the difference between a drummer and a US Savings Bond?
One will eventually mature and earn money.
A Frenchman with a big bright green parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar. The bartender takes one look and says: "That's incredible! Where did you get it?" And the parrot says: "In France. They've got millions of them there."
Why is Heisenberg so bad in bed, when he has the time he doesn't have the energy and when he has the position he doesn't have the momentum!
Where does the General keep his armies?

Up his sleevies!
There are two kinds of people in the world:
1) Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
A mathematician, a physicist and a computer scientist are given a psychological test by a beautiful researcher. The four stand at one end of a corridor while a lovely assistant is waiting at the other end. The researcher explains: "You have to cross the corridor by going halfway, then halfway again, and so forth, until you reach my assistant and kiss her."
The mathematician leaves, saying: "Zeno already proved that was impossible."
The physicist does the halfway thing enough times to be within arm's reach of the assistant, grabs her and kisses her, saying: "She was within the experimental error range."
The computer scientist turns to the researcher and kisses her instead, saying: "If the problem is too difficult, change the problem."
What do pirates and pimps have in common?

They both say YOHO and walk with a limp
Q: Two linguists were walking down the street. Which one was the specialist in contextually indicated deixis and anaphoric reference resolution strategies?
A: The other one.
How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb? Do you think the light bulb needs to be screwed back in?
Two atoms walk into a bar. They get drunk and leave. On the way home, one atom says to the other "I think I left an electron at the bar." --"Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive."
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? ... actually.. nevermind.. its a number that you've probably never heard of before...
What do you call a guy that hangs around with musicians? A drummer.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have" Bartender says, "Why the big pause?" Polar bear looks down and says, "I don't know, I was born with them."

How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
- Wanna go ride bikes?
How do you make a guitarist play quietly?
Put sheet music in front of him.

How do you make a guitarist stop playing entirely?
Put notes on the sheet music.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Don't they have machines that do that now?

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
If you're American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom?

The GPS was out of date on my IPhone during my last sailing trip. . .It was Sync or Swim
What do you yell to your grandmother when she gets on stage? "Break a hip!"
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are all playing hide and seek one day. Einstein is it and begins counting. While Einstein is counting, Pascal scurries off quietly. Newton, on the other hand, plops down on the ground right next to Einstein and pulls out a piece of chalk. He draws a box around himself, finishes, and sits quietly. When Einstein finishes counting he looks about. Pascal is nowhere to be seen, but Newton is sitting on the ground right in front of him."Newton, you brainless moron. You're terrible at this game! You've already lost!" exclaims Einstein. Newton smiles and replies, "No, I haven't lost. You've found one Newton per square meter...You've found Pascal!"
Two blondes walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
What's worst then finding a worm in your apple?

A: The Holocaust
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
Love this one:

A panda walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. He eats it, gets up, draws a gun and proceeds to shoot everyone around.
The bartender yells at him: "Hey, what the hell are you doing?"
The panda, on his way out, says: "I'm a panda, man, look it up!", and tosses him a wildlife manual.
Bartender takes the manual and reads: "Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."

EDIT: +Daniel Yee beat me to it, but I swear I searched this page and there was no mention of pandas before I posted! :)
There aren't enough Pirate jokes here.

A pirate walks into a bar. There is a huge steering wheel in front of his trouser. The barkeeper looks at him and asks: "Sir, there appears to be a wheel attached to the front of your trousers. Doesn't that get into the way?"
"Arrrr", replies the pirate. "It's drivin' me nuts!"
+Shane Sargent ... and the Verizon cell tower looks over his beer at the AT&T tower and responds... "Dude! I can't understand ya!"
How do you wake up Lady GaGa? Poker Face.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
A mime.
A mime who?
What do you get when you cross the Titanic with the Atlantic? About half way.
Cowboy rides into town and ties up his horse at the saloon. Then he walks around to the back of the horse, lifts it tail, sticks a finger in, takes his finger and smears the "substance" on his lips. After all this he walks in and order a drink. The bartender who has watched the whole routine says, "Now son, I know it isn't any of my business but I saw what you did and I just can't help wondering what that was about." The cowboy replies, "I got chapped lips" "That helps?!?!" said the bartender. The cowboy looks down at this drink looks back up and says, "Nope, but it sure keeps me from licking 'em"
Two cannibles were eating a clown and one of them says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
Q: What has 7 arms and sucks?
A: Def Leppard
FYI . . . I find the Hitler jokes highly offensive. My grandfather died during WWII in a concentration camp. (He fell off the guard tower.)
An englisman, a scot and an irishman walk into a bar and order 3 guiness. 3 flies land on each pint glass at the same time. the englishman asks the bartender for a new beer. the scot drinks his guiness while the irishman grabs the spider by the wings and shakes him screaming "spit it out ya wee bastard!"
So, two penguins are walking through the desert. They come upon a bathtub, and decide to hop in. The one asks the other, "Would you kindly pass the salt?" To which, the other retorts, "What do I look like, a toaster oven?"
My Irish grandfather drowned after falling into a vat at the Guinness brewery. The workers tried their best to pull him out but he kept fighting them off.
Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin turns to the other & says "jeesh, it's hot in here!" To which the other muffin replies "Holy crap... a talking muffin!
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the light bulb has to really want to change.
1: what did the physicist observe as his station wagon careened off a cliff?
"f = ml"
2: what kind of eggs are worth 6 points?
"scrabbled eggs"
Q: How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Trapeze artists do it 'til they drop.
Yo mama so fat when she hauls ass, she gotta make two trips!
What's white and can't jump?

What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.
What's green and has wheels?

Grass. I lied about the wheels.
Guys walks into a Doctor's Office with a duck on his head..
the doctor asks "What happened?"
The Duck replies, "I dunno, it started with a bump on my ass"
Ron, an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
A rope walks into a bar sits down and says, "Give me a beer."

The bartender looks him over and says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind here."

So the rope goes home and ties himself into a knot, and frays one end so it will fall down over the knot and look like hair.

He heads back into the bar, sits down and says, "Give me a beer."

The bartender starts to pull the beer and as he is about to give the rope the drink, "Hey, aren't you that rope that was in here just a little while ago?"

"No, I'm a frayed knot."

I love that joke.
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too, if you had crabs on your bottom.

*My grandfather told me this joke when I was in kindergarten, which I then promptly repeated for Show & Tell, which resulted in an emergency parent-teacher conference.
A small kid and a creepy looking older man are walking into the woods.
The small kid says "Hey, mister? I'm scared."
The man replies "You're scared, I have to walk out of here alone."
- Patton Oswald
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, those who don't and those who use zero-based indicies :)
Two vampires are out having drinks. The first vampire orders a cup of blood. The second vampire orders a cup of hot water. The first vampire says to the second, "What are you doing? You're a vampire, order a cup of blood." The second vampire pulls out a used tampon and explains, "I'm having tea."
What is red, sticky and climbs up a woman's leg?

A homesick abortion
A Higgs Boson walks into a church and the priest says “you can’t be in here”. The Higg Boson says “but without me how will you have mass?”
Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek. Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.
Pascal is no where to be seen.
Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He’s sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.
Einstein says “Newton, you’re terrible, I’ve found you!”
Newton says “No no, Einy. You’ve found one Newton per square meter. You’ve found Pascal!”
A neutron walks into a bar, orders a beer, and just as he pulls out his wallet to pay, the bartender says to him, "For you, no charge."
Q: How many bass players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: It doesn't matter. Nobody will notice.
I attended a wedding between two antennas the other day. The ceremony was so-so, but the reception was fantastic!
A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer are sitting around arguing about what sort of engineer God is.

"God is clearly a mechanical engineer", says the mechanical engineer. "Just look at the musculoskeletal system of the human body. It's a finely-balanced system of levers".

"That's incorrect", says the electrical engineer. "God is clearly an electrical engineer. Just look at the central nervous system. It's a high-speed telecommunications network."

"You are both wrong", says the civil engineer. "Clearly God is a civil engineer. Who else would put a waste pipe through a recreational area?"
Why do programmers mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because OCT 31 = DEC 25!
Photon 1: "Where's your luggage?"
Photon 2: "I'm traveling light."
Two hipsters walk into a bar. One says, "Ow, that really hurt." The other responded, "Yeh, it did really hurt... but I have felt, like, more intense pain."
Sol: What's blue, hangs on the wall and whistles?
Larry: I give up. What?
Sol: A herring.
Larry: But a herring doesn't hang on the wall.
Sol: You could nail it to the wall.
Larry: But a herring isn't blue.
Sol: You could paint it blue.
Larry: But a herring doesn't whistle.
Sol: OK, so it doesn't whistle.
Two guys walk into a bar. Which is stupid because the second one should have seen it coming.
Two guys are eating this clown. One guy looks at the other guy and asks "Does this taste funny to you?"
I heard the economy is getting so bad that ExxonMobil had to lay off 25 congressmen.
In marriage, you need to keep the romance alive, so go out, have fun. you take tuesday and thursday. your spouse, wednesday and friday.
A biologist, a physicist and an economist are arguing about which was the first profession (you can see the cultural skewing here already, right?).

The biologist says, "God created Adam and Eve - ergo, the first biologist!"

But the physicist says, "Yeah, but before that, he'd said, 'Let there be light.' Physicists were first."

The economist smiles. "Who do you think created chaos?"
Q: where does the general keep his armies?

A: in his sleevies.
Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his father in the forest?
What kind of bees make milk?

What do you call an illegally parked frog?
What happened to the 18-wheeler that ran over the bed of nails?

It had to be retired.
what did the "0" say to the '8"?

I met a Reverend Mother who was attending a big conference with attendees from convents across the world, but she told me she was a bit disappointed by the whole thing. She said that really it was a big nun-event.
Why didn't the pirate sail to Hawaii?

It was too faAAARRRRRGH!!!
Q: What goes "Clip, Clop. Clip, Clop. Bang, Bang. Clip, Clop"?
A: An Amish Drive-by Shooting.
A man goes to the doctor, who surprises him by telling him he has just one day to live. He and his wife cry about it together, get his affairs in order, and go out for one last romantic dinner. When they get home, she asks him, "What do you want to do?"

He says, "I would like to make love to you." They do.

A few hours later, with her still in his arms, she asks, "What would you like to do now?"

"Honey, I want to make love to you again."

Finally, in the wee hours of the morning, she asks again, "What would you like to do now?"

"Can we make love one last time?"

She says, "No."

He asks pleadingly, "Why not?"

"I have to get up in the morning and you don't."
Why did the Scarecrow win a nobel prize?

Because he was Out Standing in his Field!


What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A Cloud.
Amazing jokes! I'm collecting recordings of people telling jokes on this podcast: Folks can call in jokes to 209 JOKE-BOT (209. 565-3268). If anyone wants to call in any of these jokes they'll be featured on the upcoming edition :)
What's Red and Yellow and looks great on Hipsters? FIRE
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?  Halloo-mi!
the federal government is a joke. Is that what you meant?
Did you hear the one about the thread that would never die? It just kept notifying people... over and over... year after year... like a zombie with an unlimited supply of resurrection potions... o.O
No shit? =o(

And here I thought that little thing was just for decoration -- sort of an emoticon of the post playfully winking at me. Now you've gone and ruined the illusion, +Jerel Lorenzo, snuffing out all the happiness and joy I was taking from my G+ experience, destroying the one bright spot I could count on at the end of my day.

Now, instead of a jovial winking face, all of these posts will represent is the cold, crushing realization that the tick-mark is just there to bring more silence into already lonely existences...

Be sad, +Jeremy Miller; you have irreparably damaged lives with your callousness this day.
So a friend asked me for advice on where to go on holiday.  I suggested Switzerland.  'What are the advantages of Switzerland?' he asked.  I told him: 'Well, the flag is a big plus.'
At the olympics, I saw a man walking down the street carrying a huge pole.  I asked  "Are you a pole vaulter?".  He replied "No, I am German.  Und how did you know my name was Walter?"
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