From my favorite Chief of Police (Chief Oliver, Brimfield, OH) once again. Too good not to share:
Brimfield Police Department
Dear Black Friday (and Thanksgiving) Shoppers….
‘Tis that time of year again. You know, the time where retail workers feel like they are in the middle of the end of the world…and the looting has started. Because we have numerous stores in Brimfield offering Black Friday door busters and neatly wrapped surprise unveilings of “oh so good” deals….we thought we would offer some sage advice and observations, to assist you in having the best shopping experience possible.
• Sgt. Knarr and I once witnessed a melee over a $5.00 pair of Hello Kitty pajamas. It was the same year that “oh so good” price on crockpots nearly caused me to call in an air strike. I would wear footy pajamas, but I would not beat someone up to get them.
• If you are somewhere camping out right now waiting on doors to open…. And you are reading this message, please do the following math: Money saved versus money lost from not working/ vacation used. If there is a zero in the money lost/work ratio, I just don’t get it.
• If you do not think zombies are real, please meet me at Wal-Mart. You have obviously never stood between a crowd of people who really want a $20.00 Blu-Ray player and a skid full of those very same Blu-Ray players. It brings to mind Shark Week. I’m the diver, holding a side of raw beef…and I have no cage.
• Ladies…I’m sorry, but you all are the worst. There is some kind of super shopper effect that takes over…it’s like Rambo with a debit card. You are the true hunters and gatherers. The ladies come in dressed in camouflage, wearing a flash dance headband and carrying a survival knife, complete with a compass. They use the compass and store map to find the cordless drills…which are door busters. If they somehow get wounded, they will give themselves stitches and keep shopping.
• If we say settle down, please do so. We would like to have one year of no ejections from the stores. Think of it this way….If Wal-Mart asks you to leave the store….land sakes.
• I’m not sure Black Friday was named such because retail stores get “in the black” from all of the sales. Based on personal experience, I believe it should be renamed “Black Eye Friday.”...... “Just Sayin’”
• Do not bring young children to Black Friday sales. We need to break the cycle. If you bring them, you lose all credibility when you later tell them to “stop fighting over that toy.”
We hope you all have a fun and safe expedition….Chief Oliver.