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GAINESVILLE, FL—Despite theories that dolphins are excellent communicators, they responded to questions on land with only labored wheezing and shrill, distressed screams.
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296 comments
 
i don't think it's the dolphins who are not so intelligent
 
dolphins ain't so smrt now! suck it! USA! USA (jk) lol
 
doesn't make sense they breath air shouldd have adapted easy
 
One of the most heartless articles that I've ever read on +The Onion

...Why am I still laughing?
 
Very Interesting. In destress they can resond to questions : ) pretty cool...
 
Ya no kidding they need water!! not land! Jeez!!!
 
OMG yall call dolphins stupid that aint right
 
That is pretty much fucking inappropriate. Even suggesting cruelty to animals is not funny. Keep your sights set on targets that can defend themselves.
 
Wonder about the jokes about humans being in their habitat they surely laugh about.
 
I wonder how many people would call out The Onion for being inappropriate for making fun of Christians (I've seen them do it before)but no one said a word).
 
Funny article. Some funnier responses. Never ceases to amaze me how some people respond to good parody.
 
They NeEd water! No one knows that?!?
 
The Onion is completely serious news its on the INTERNET duh.
 
Half of these commenters sound like they think The Onion is serious news :D lol.
 
Just because It's on the internet, that DOESN'T make it serious...
 
Obviously it does. Don't you know the internet is totally legite. Like how google is going all 8-bit with their maps. YOu can even get a cartridge of it and plug it in to your rj-11 connector.
 
"In some cases," Lindell added, "the dolphins appeared to be looking directly into our eyes, as if pleading with us to help them perform better in these tests." Haha, amazing.
 
Dolphins Are Only Wateer Mammals not Land.
 
If they want to harness the power of fire, they need to adapt to a more suitable habitat.
 
The Onion:Do You Killed the Dolphin in the image?
 
lollllllllllllllllzzzzzzzzzzz
Gale Davy
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The funniest thing about The Onion isn't the article itself. It's the comments from people who seem not to understand that The Onion is satire.
 
+Gale Davy You need to include a link to the wiki article of satire to use that word. Keeps people from having to use their brains to google it.
 
Not so smug now are ya dolphin?! Now get in the tuna can!
 
"Despite theories that dolphins are excellent communicators, they responded to questions on land with only labored wheezing and shrill, distressed screams" So heartless,.. Onion,..why don't you try asking questions to human being underwater. Then you may come to know why Dolphins reacted that way .
Irfan Dar
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“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
― Albert Einstein
 
I accept your challenge on behalf of the Onion +Gani Amigo Meet me by the pool in four hours. I"ll bring my number 2 pencil and make a test out of it.
 
I wonder how you would do in water without tanks ? We would all be disappointed in how you reacted without oxygen !!!!!!
 
I get that it's a joke, but it's right up there with dead baby jokes, it's only provoking an uncomfortable laugh.
 
People still don't get the Onion news, do they?
Lao Dan
 
This makes we wonder how humans would be answering a test of intelligence if they were thrown naked in the ocean...
 
I'm sure they only killed 3-4 dolphins to do the research. No big deal...
 
Well if it's one thing we learned by being stupid, it's dolphins are not supposed TO BE OUT OF WATER!
PUT IT BACK! ....poor thing
 
this article is rediculous. they should do a study on how smart humans are when put on a different atmosphere. lol
 
to all you wankers and douche bags... it's the F'ing Onion, don't read it if you can't handle the irony and sarcasm... quit yer f'n whining about it
 
I have to believe that my application, that is being sent these people will be accepted with full pay and benefits.
My qualifications include common sense, child care , medical assistant, and mother of invention when needed.
Basic relationships between life and death are in my grasp as well.
They claim to be something they are not, I simply claim to be myself.
 
I wonder how intelligently a drowning man responds to questions.
 
What I love is the fact that people are upset about the testing environment....not the tests themselves. Cause everyone knows Dolphins Ace communication tests performed by english speakking scientists as long as they are in water.
 
Maybe it's coincidence all the people freaking out about the onion being real have Trollface icons. Huh.
 
OH NOES HOW DAER YOU HRT THE NICE DOLFINS oNIOn!!!!!1 THIS NOT SIENCE IT CRULTY¬!!!!!111one

etc.
Dav Bob
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I think it should be mandatory to be told what the onion is all about beforebeing allowed to comment on it.
 
Do you people realize that "The Onion" does parody news!? They make shit up, just to show you how stupid people can be.
 
A not-so-intelligent questioner, it seems, took a dolphin out of their own environment to ask. try asking a human while he is underwater a question regarding communication. all you'll get is a waving of hands and some air bubbles while he drowns...
 
The Onion is actually a secret scientific experiment to gauge how stupid humans are. And it is very cruel! Just put these people out of their misery!
 
For me, another group of scientists repeat the test. It seems risky conclusion.
 
It's not dead...it's just "resting" ;P)
 
It's the Onion, Murray. It's Satire.
 
That is sad. Especially since the BP oil spill is STILL effecting marine life.
 
I am sure fish become much less intelligent after 10 minutes on land as well. But there is clearly not enough science behind this phenomena...
 
i c. not familiar w/onion xcept as vegetable. will looksee.
 
I have suspected this about dolphins for a long time. You can prove it yourself by doing the trick where you pretend to throw a ball or stick out to sea and they swim off to look for it.

It gets them every time

Don't try it with sharks though, as they don't have the same sense of humour
 
The Onion: Testing the world's ability to detect sarcasm since 1988...
Steve M
 
I'm a little distressed myself now
Zia Pen
 
Ugh, that's not funny at all. Animal cruelty is wrong, and it exists, in fact many dolphins are mistreated and abused today. Hinting at this topic for humour reasons just seems wrong to me.
 
I find it hilarious that all the people here that don't understand this article is a joke, are making parallels to humans drowning in similar scenarios. you do know dolphins breathe air, and they don't breath under water like fish right?????
 
This is so wrong who every did this should be hunted down and placed in a very hot place and left to die, just like this dolphin. Oh ya, lets not forget to take a picture of it and make a joke out of it. Disgusting
 
@lori, the onion is a satire piece; everything you read there ISN'T true...
 
Reading these comments is as entertaining as reading articles at The Onion.
 
I had a always thought dolphins were trying to pull something over on us, silly dolphins only smart in the water.
 
1. The Onion posts a silly article.
2. Some people get offended, others think it's real.
3. People comment on those that "don't get The Onion".

This happens every time. Those that don't understand or get offended by The Onion, please continue to comment! We must keep the cycle in motion.
 
After reading all of the outrage to this satirical article, clearly labeled as "The ONION", I've come to the conclusion that I give my fellow man far too much credit. I don't want to live on this planet anymore.
 
how about tying a human being up under water and asking him dumb questions. bet he'll act pretty stupid too. idiots.
 
Place the two resesrchers under water and study their communication responses....guess the same results ie. distress and zero communication!!
 
Just like how humans aren't so intelligent in the ocean....
 
Henrich. I don't know why I'm wasting my time, but I'll say it again. This is a satirical article. Joke. Ha ha. Not real. This didn't actually happen. The Onion is a site that makes fun of the news. Take a deep breath, relax, and enjoy the rest of your day.
 
that would of been fucked if that was real
 
+Elliott Fairhurst I have been in many debates with women ( on Cafemom on articles from the onion), and yes there are people who really believe they are a legit new source.
 
Are people really this impossibly stupid? Could I really just post any old thing I want and have hordes of people too lazy to take one moment to google it swallow it hook, line, and sinker? I am ashamed of my race.
 
not so sure it's the dolphins who are stupid... just sayin
 
Man, a bunch of you people are as dumb as bag of hammers.

Normally I enjoy it when The Onion fools the public, but this makes me weep for humanity.
 
that look cool to bad its fake i now when its real or not!!!!
 
hmm, many of the people pretending not to realise the Onion is satire have troll avatars.
 
Dolphins have for years, tried to take over the wold and human kind, with their secret underwater communication abilities. Take that Dolphins!!
 
+Gale Davy And people who get outraged about satire really need to reevaluate their mental toolbox.
 
+Mary Rysdale Even more so! And yet, it is a little sad when you realize that some people on here are actually being serious.

AND SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST TROLLS. (you know who you are)
 
Awww photoshop and warped humor offended someone. LOL
 
Maybe someone should toss those researchers into oceon with nothing like those dolphins to see they can still intelligent or not.
What an ridiculous research...
 
too bad for that any reason pple research these dogs, cats, mouse,etc.. in study animals...
 
I just read a similar article on the Dolphin Onion News Network. "Humans, Not So Useful Without Underwater Scuba Gear (Dolphin Shriek)" I would post the link, but I can't seem to find it anymore.
 
This can't be real? How awful!
 
i dont know about their intelligence and communication capabilities but one thing i can say about the greatness of dolphins is that they taste fucking delicious! (not as good as shark fins but a close second).
 
Hmmm. Looks like posting it is a good way to get rid of people who have no sense of humor. I'll have to try it up on FaceBook, too
 
I prefer Tuna Free dolphin. The wreckless killing of Tuna must stop unless you really want some tasty dolphin on the table.
 
Surprise! Do you figure humans communication might be slowed down a little while they're drowning?
 
This is so dumb! Of course they aren't going to be intelligent when they are out of the water. it's like telling a human to talk when they are drowning..this is ridiculous
 
Oh god, I thought that Google+ comments were smarter than Facebook ones.. I was wrong..! ;-)
 
if you really like dolphins, then try this:
GRILLED DOLPHIN
1 1/4 lb. thickly sliced dolphin
8 cloves fresh garlic, minced
1/2 c. olive oil
1/2 tsp. paprika
1/2 c. rice vinegar
Salt if desired
1/2 tsp. pepper, black lg. ground
Dinner for 4. Cut off any dark meat on dolphin. Marinate 4 even slices of dolphin in large bowl. All ingredients mixed for at least 6 hours. Grill 5-7 minutes on each side depending on thickness. Approximately 10 minutes total for 1 inch fillets. Baste with marinade mix while grilling.
 
who would do that
you are so cruel
you dum dums
 
I would like to have laughed at it, knowing that it's satire. But some things just aren't funny, taken too far. Sorry, Onion, you make baby Jesus cry.
 
Comments are only as smart as the people that use them.
 
So if I cut the legs of the frog and it does not jump,! does that mean it is deaf ???!!!!
 
You know it's onion-style. LOL......
 
This is a joke I know, but I did not find it very funny, especially after sitting there and watching a documentry about the many hundreds of dolphines slaugterd by the Japanese, befriended, hearded up, and then slaughtered, a blood bath, not funny at all, so when I see stuff like this up, that may suggest cruelty to such a HIGHLY INTELLIGENT MAMMALS it makes me sad. Sit down and watch the documentry that won lots of awards called the cove, and then tell me how funny this is!!!
 
I honestly can't believe people are offended by this fake article... emphasis on the word FAKE.
 
I believe that is correct about the frog........= )
 
This comment thread makes me weep for all that is humanity. For shame.
 
Wy did you do this to a dolphin
 
and I use to surf a lot and interact with wild dolphines, and they are not stupid at all, they are almost child like, beautiful creatures, sooo beautiful, they come up to you and eye ball you, and it look as if they are smileing at you!
Bob H
 
If you want to respond negatively to this article, please read the comments above before posting or consider not reproducing. You'll save the world a great deal of trouble.
 
Jac they are pretty dumb, I have spotted them while hunting dolphins in the Artic Circle. Easy kills.
 
Perhaps many of the negative comments (including mine) were stating that we (or I) find that the article wasn't funny. Yes the onion is satirical in nature but sometimes even satire fails if it is in bad taste.
 
+James Wark perhaps consider browsing a different online satirical news source? Taste is perceived differently by each person consuming the product.
 
you should have some feelings for them. they live in water not on land.

How abt we test how u communicate under water without a medium to speak or a medium to breathe?
 
Should we tell the animal cruelty folks about Photoshop? Or would that ruin the fun?
 
Am I the only one who thinks the researchers are stupid? Of course any life-form that's being taken from its survival environment it's not going to perform well on IQ tests. Here's an idea- let's put these researchers in an environment where the oxygen is being sucked out of the room and then measure their IQ and language skills and their ability to harness the power of fire. Let's do that and compare notes.
 
dolphins is for water not land>>>
get it?
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Study: Humans not so intelligent on the internet
 
Hey, its not real, its a joke, lighten up you lot!
 
Their researches should move on to phase 2, since everyone is complaining that dolphins cant be on land, let's see how good they are at flying.
 
And just what did you expect dolphins to do on dry land. Duh!!
 
what is wrong with you?! the only thing you accomplished here is getting a few heartless people to laugh for a split second
 
Han Yip, that comment sums it up perfectly.
 
Do you dumb ass mother fuckers know ANYTHING about the onion? obviously not... Stop making retarded ass comments that this is mean... It's a FUCKING JOKE!
 
that is just so dang wrong in so many different ways and that is just plain inhuman!
 
I think that the dolphires are much more intrllrgent than those trserchers! Lets put the reserchers in the water and er will see how they do!
 
I don't want to live on this planet anymore!!! Facepalm !!!
People can't understand the joke!!!
 
+Alfred Hammond if your fat ass fingers can't accurately press the button you're trying to press, stop trying to type on your phone.. Or READ IT BEFORE YOU POST IT.... Or don't be such a fat mother fucker
 
I can't believe our public tax dollars paid for this study.
 
Dolphins are meant to swim not be on land. It's not surprising.
 
Well, I guess this article at least confirmed one real-life fact: a large segment of the population is simply too dumb to form a rational thought at least once a day. Please people, if you:
1) Don't realize this is not real,
2) Think the dolphins are "drowning" on land (as if they had gills like fish)...
... then you are officially too dumb to post on the internet. Step away from the computer and go for some remedial education until you score at least 100 on the IQ test. kthxbye!
 
What makes you think those dolphins aren't testing us? They're probably like
"dumb humans of course we can communicate perfectly on land, hell we can even walk, but we'll play along with their game and continue on with our psychology experiment."
 
In other breaking news... Human beings lazy, gullible. Study confirms that individuals unable to comprehend sarcasm on the internet are also incapable of counting past 10 while wearing mittens.
 
+Carlo J. Mejia Chang Ahhhh, but of course, they sneak into some of our houses, who knows what kind of super computer they have in between the walls of our rooms. Why didn't I think of this, thanks man. We should turn this in to the Onion as fast as possible mate. We got something going on.
 
+Luís Rosales :D it is actually from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: "mice, unbeknownst to the human race, are the most intelligent species on the planet Earth. They spent a lot of their time in laboratories running complex experiments on man."
 
hi i m new. can u add me and we chat??
 
Wait...I am receiving a message...oh darn its a dolphin...he says and i quote..."you humans shall die for discovering the secret underwater communication abilities of a dolphin...DIEE HUMANS" See people now we have upset the Dolphins and they are trying once again to kill all of us...UGGGH!!
 
I don't think that we need a researcher to sort this one out
 
dude thats twisted and out rite funny
 
So are all these people trolling or just moronic buffoons? Most of them seem like regular folk which disturbs me...
 
Definitely a stupid study! No shit they're not gonna be able to communicate with out water. Echolocation doesn't work without water.
 
So long, and thanks for all the fish.
 
wat a weird research?
 
Apparently there are a lot of people here who have no clue who The Onion is.

This is NOT real, people. It's a put-on. Your gullibility is showing.

 
We all know that it's fake. I think so anyway.
 
I wonder i dolphins think we're intelligent when were stuck in the water???HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM........(nice article Onion)
 
they as stupid as tuna (go mitsubishi hvy industries) eat yellowtail
 
It would be funnier if it weren't so believable that someone in Florida would actually try such an experiment...
 
OK a dolphin needs water to swim do you really think it could answer questions without water questions are the least of its problems
 
The dolphin was probably choking on its own laughter after being dictated some Onion comments.

His last squeaks were translated to be saying "do they really not get humour, or are they pretending to be stupid on porpoise?"
 
No shit,they die on land.They're not doing anything!!!
 
Too bad I can't 1- (one minus) about 90% of these comments.

Hey Suess Cree's Toes!
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LOL hahaha this is too funny:"The dolphins seemed to be looking directly at our eyes, as if pleading for us to help them perform better in these tests."
 
I saw how they get Dolphins for Sea Worlds...es, of all types. They herd them as cattle going to the market. Many life long relationships of a combined oneness, are separated and co-members are forever left lonely forever. Like Geese I'm told they form a life long relationship.
 
Perhaps the timing of the article is meant to draw attention to the news of dying Gulf dolphins from Deepwater Horizon leak?
 
Wow. Just wow.

And I mean the comments by people who don't realize this is satire and can't be bothered to read previous comments by people explaining this is satire.
 
Admittedly I left mine at a previous job.... I miss that thing.
 
mUst be the same bunch of scientists that tested that frogs heard through their thighs. Cut their legs off, and they wouldn't respond to the "jump" command.
 
Shear stupidity... this is why so many countries think the USA is dumb.
 
Its the onion you dumbass SMH
 
They are meant to stay in water....
Put yourself in water and see how intelligent you are...
 
Are people not realizing that the Onion is a parody of the news? You guys are special.
 
THEY WERE DIE ING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FOOLS.
 
Well duh they can't survive on land.
 
So long, and thanks for all the fish !
 
people are really stupid because dolphins live in water and to be on land they would die so how could they be intelligent?..........
 
It doesn't surprise me that so many people fall for The Onion's stories. After all, people still believe Democrats.
 
NEWS NEWS Humans are surprisely stupid under water. Humans were incapable of recognizing and repeating simple algebraic problems.
Their very good verbal communications were limited to a rapid constriction and expansion of the blowhole, various incomprehensible legs and arms motions, and heavy tremors while they lay prone to the bottom of the tank. My god! hahahaha
 
They were just dehydrated. Did the scientists offer them a drink?
 
What's the porpoise behind the story?
 
It is not dolphins, it's us
 
Wondering if those scientific people are so smart while held under water. We ought to find out, I believe.
 
well obviously they practicly die on land
 
I don't ever read the articles, just the comments from people who think this stuff is real! Hilarious!
 
so many stupid people, so little time. yes I am talking about you morons that thought this was really happening.
 
This is fun to read! specially the comments. In the Onion everyday is April fool day! lol
 
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HILARIOUS
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Of all the things to make jokes about...assholes...but...

I LOVE freedom of speech and the freedom to be offended by such things!!!
 
It's kind of cool how you can go down this post and get an exact list of names of people who only skim the material they are reading.
 
These scientists are idiots. Dolphins already mastered fire. Liquid fire to be precise. Dolphins are responsible for all volcano eruptions. When dolphins go camping they often forget to put out their liquid fire. The unused lava usually finds its way to the underground tunnels and cannot be contained underground, causing volcanic eruptions.

On another note, I wonder if the dolphins would have performed better if it was raining. 
 
The "I don't get the Onion" situation aside, I get annoyed when I see hundreds of articles about people freaking out about the treatment of animals in the world, but there is hardly a peep about the cruelty being shown to other human beings. When did our priorities get so warped?
 
Wtf that's terrible poor dolphin
 
whats next are we going back to strapping down chimps giving them 50 doses of LSD and being surprised when they get violent
 
Watch your mouth! Kids go on here alright pal. DONT TALK TO ME I GET FURIOUS!!!!!! So be nice or else!
 
Yea, since kids haven't already seen swearing on the internet.
 
O.K. Let's OUTLAW ALL satire and parody!! And all you FOOLS can shove a red hot poker up your ass.
 
Anyone else finding this hard to fap to? I managed though.
 
So What's Hot on Google is 6 year old articles now? lol


The Onion manages to provide a basic internet IQ test once again..
 
not sure which is funnier, people who think it is a real article, or people trying to get the men in the picture to put the dolphin back into the water by commenting here.
 
Saw the heading and thought WTF! Then I realised it was from The Onion, I lol'd.
 
Cruel experiment. How intelligent would we be under water with no oxygen? Would we even be able to manage labored wheezing?
 
My god, you are a moron Jimbo.
 
thats so truue what dolphin wants to be on dry land
 
do any of you realize the onion is fake news?
 
OMG!!! all fishes not so intelligent on Land..."It Dies".....
 
fish are not intelligent on land because of one reason. they are dead!
 
It cost the U.S. tax-payers 100 thou for this Govt. sponsored investigation to find out that fish die when there is no water. The "distressed" sounds these people heard was the fish calling for water
 
The responses here are helping dispel any rumours that most people are intelligent.
 
DANGER: Contains satire. Reading article without sense of humor may expose low intelligence. Proceed at your own risk.
 
I love how stories from ONN cause some people to get up in arms, people who have no sense of humour

+Janet Bragg - No they don't. Dophins breathe air. They live in water. Read a book sometime, you might learn something
 
The same people who haven't figured out that The Onion is a satirical look at news media also do not realize that dolphins are mammals and breathe air. True being out of water causes pressure on lungs and other systems, but rain is not going to help that issue nor is depriving researchers of oxygen a suitable comparison. 
 
no need to figure out dolphin on land..we can also studied in the water too..!! m i right??
 
+The Onion Aynı durum sanırım insanlar içinde geçerli suyun altında bir süre kalıp akıllı çıkan çok az kişiye rastladım. In these case we able to say Humans Not So Intelligent Under Water :)
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For heavens sake!Leave them alone!
 
This article came out a few years ago. What's next, "Jesus Returns to the NBA?"
 
+Matthew Burnham If you use "+" before the name instead of "@" before the name, then +Stephanie Kay Tollett will be notified of your post. Too bad Google+ isn't setup to use @ also, since @ is more common. Sorry if this comes across #dickish
 
+Gray Strickland Thank you for catching that, I was half asleep when I posted that. Doesn't make it any less accurate, however.

To be fair, if you were to hold a dolphin underwater for long periods of time it would drown as well.
 
Good research like this needs more funding.
and that is pronto!
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