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The Onion

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NEW YORK—Emphasizing that the practice was just more evidence of journalists’ bias against him, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump stated Thursday that he was sick and tired of the mainstream media always attempting to place his words into some kind of context.
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Randy Yarber Sr.'s profile photoAlexander Skrabut's profile photoWM. RAY's profile photoJohn Huntley's profile photo
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+Urban Divinity I know u didn't say u like trump? ?????? Wtf is wrong wit u 
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The Onion

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“Can’t someone just launch some kind of startup that aids the impoverished?”

#AmericanVoices
With the tech industry’s inflation of San Francisco real estate values and the subsequent displacement of the city’s homeless population, city supervisors are proposing a payroll tax be imposed on downtown tech companies, which could garner $20 million for the city’s 6,600 homeless. What do you think?
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Patrick O'Dowd's profile photoBlake Crawford's profile photoRichard Anderson's profile photoD Lamar Sobotor's profile photo
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Why do the not hire them to scrub the shiat of the toilet seats. Oh that's right they would rather be bothersome bigger hobos. Cool so would I.
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The Onion

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Sources confirmed the modern-day Judas could once be relied upon to encourage whatever self-destructive behavior or antisocial activity local man Ken Vatter chose to engage in.
ANN ARBOR, MI—After years of faithfully supporting every bad decision he made, a formerly dependable enabler of local man Ken Vatter reportedly betrayed him Thursday by casually suggesting he see a therapist about his problems.
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Wayne R's profile photoPatrick O'Dowd's profile photo
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Excuse me, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?
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The Onion

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"I don’t think he could have given less of a shit about what was happening onstage."
PHILADELPHIA—Describing the look of total disinterest on his face and noting how he kept peering down at his watch as the speech progressed, sources at the Democratic National Convention said that Virginia senator Tim Kaine clearly began tuning out partway through the boring vice presidential acceptance address Wednesday night.
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Patrick O'Dowd's profile photoD Lamar Sobotor's profile photo
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Just like 90% of America that could not find a movie on Comedy Central. 
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The Onion

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"You gotta understand, for the first time, you saw these four smokin’ hot chicks who were not only easy on the eyes, but could rock just as hard as any dudes."
PHILADELPHIA—Devoting a large portion of his speech to the “pioneering, stiffy-inducing” all-female quartet, Vice President Joe Biden regaled the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night with the rousing story of the metal band Vixen breaking hard rock’s glass ceiling in the late 1980s.
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Brian Si's profile photoPatrick O'Dowd's profile photofrank erck's profile photo
3 comments
 
Are you sure that's not Bon Jovi?
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The Onion

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"Look, you can get ripped off inside the arena for 35 bucks, or Uncle Joe can rip you off in the lot for way cheaper."
PHILADELPHIA—Claiming he had been “in way deeper shit plenty of times before,” Vice President Joe Biden was reportedly busted Wednesday in the Democratic National Convention parking lot for selling bootleg “I’m With Her” T-shirts.
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cynthia ekissy's profile photoRichard Anderson's profile photoDarwin Hawke's profile photoJason Allen's profile photo
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+Darwin Hawke No, they're busy blaming the Russians as a distraction from the emails showing their bias towards Hillary's t-shirt stall and how to best shut Biden out of the market.
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The Onion

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Here is a guide to the major speakers who will be addressing attendees on the final night of the 2016 Democratic National Convention:
Here is a guide to the major speakers who will be addressing attendees on the final night of the 2016 Democratic National Convention
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Scott S's profile photoPatrick O'Dowd's profile photo
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+Scott S the rain in Irain falls mainly in the plains. 
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"In this day and age, we are much more informed about the consequences of secondhand spit, and non-chewers are refusing to expose ourselves to it."
RALEIGH, NC—The ever-embattled tobacco industry suffered another blow Monday, as citizens' groups challenged the major smokeless-tobacco companies to confront the quality-of-life issues associated with secondhand spit.
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Steve Welsh's profile photofrank erck's profile photoPatrick O'Dowd's profile photoD Lamar Sobotor's profile photo
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Hate when that happens.
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The Onion

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PHILADELPHIA—Emphasizing the former secretary of state’s competence and tenacity during his Democratic National Convention address Wednesday night, President Barack Obama praised Hillary Clinton as someone who would work tirelessly to defend and advance the legacy he had built, even the “truly repugnant parts.”
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Lu Lovett's profile photoEdmund Daub's profile photoSteve Welsh's profile photo
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The 18,000 people in attendance at first simply assumed the collision was part of the act.
PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Alex Max's profile photoJacob Rosenberg (Agent Orange)'s profile photoD Lamar Sobotor's profile photoDavid Connor's profile photo
6 comments
 
It sure was a barn burner last night, I must have been opening another bottle of tequila when they fired the cannon.
Sheeeeet!
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"These are real Americans forced to settle for torching up super-harsh dirt weed that gives you a big headache and just crashes your ass out."
PHILADELPHIA—In an emotional address Wednesday night at the Democratic National Convention, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly choked up while describing the thousands of hardworking Americans throughout the nation who are only able to afford shitty ditch weed.
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M Walker's profile photoPatrick O'Dowd's profile photofrank erck's profile photoD Lamar Sobotor's profile photo
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We always called that stuff Brady stink weed.
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The Onion

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Here is a guide to the major speakers who will be addressing attendees on the third night of the 2016 Democratic National Convention:
Here is a guide to the major speakers who will be addressing attendees on the third night of the 2016 Democratic National Convention
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William's profile photoD Lamar Sobotor's profile photoBrando LeHood's profile photoPatrick O'Dowd's profile photo
5 comments
 
+Brando LeHood I can hack it.
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Have them in circles
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