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The Onion

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WASHINGTON—In a unified message coming from thousands of backyards, living rooms, parks, and playgrounds, 11-year-olds across the country announced Friday that it’s the fourth quarter with time winding down in the Super Bowl.
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Ok
Ok
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The Onion

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ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.
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Rabid Rotty's profile photoHan Yolo's profile photoDaniel Sanabria's profile photoDennison Brillo's profile photo
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I know this is the onion, but based on some comments i am curious.Is goodwill actually a private company?
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The Onion

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Weekend Magazine:
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˙ɯ ɥsɐʎ's profile photoJenny Roche Benjamin's profile photoSkuter Ribar's profile photoC.J. Toscano's profile photo
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"You two should hang out together some time. He can come over and listen to those Robert Think CDs all the kids are talking about these days"
"Sounds great, but I don't really wa.."
"Great! I'll phone up his mum now!"
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The Onion

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“This is exactly why cobra ownership should be left to only the most serious amateurs.”

#AmericanVoices  
A King Cobra snake, a venomous species that can kill an elephant with one bite, is currently on the loose in Orlando, FL, with officials confirming that the licensed owner violated protocol by waiting to report the escape for a full day after the snake went missing. What do you think?
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Tony Licalzi's profile photoRebecca Collins's profile photoScott Welch's profile photoLauren Wheeler's profile photo
17 comments
 
Donkeys don't kill people
Big asses do.
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The Onion

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SPARTANBURG, SC—Struggling to regain his composure and come to terms with what he had just witnessed, market researcher Nathan Pendersen emerged from a Denny’s focus group Thursday shaken after finding out what Americans really want to eat for breakfast.
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Shelby Charles's profile photoColby Schulz's profile photoko ko's profile photoPhil Baranyai's profile photo
16 comments
 
This could have been way worse, cold pizza is great for breakfast.
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The Onion

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BRISTOL, CT—While looking to retrieve several pages of research notes for an upcoming broadcast of SportsCenter, ESPN anchor Linda Cohn confirmed Thursday that she found what appeared to be Tim Kurkjian’s design for a baseball card of himself sitting in the office printer.
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Orlando Muldoon's profile photoEd Schernau's profile photomicki thake's profile photo˙ɯ ɥsɐʎ's profile photo
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Nobody knows who he is now.
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The Onion

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SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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AL E “Mr Cat” Cat's profile photoCliff Dove's profile photoAndrew G's profile photoProphet Zarquon's profile photo
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This is supposed to be a joke, but I think it's prophetic.
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SYRACUSE, NY—Saying the bulleted list of diagnostic criteria had touched something at the very core of his being, local 34-year-old Adam Zenner reported Friday that an online depression symptoms checklist was speaking to him as no poem ever could.
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Tanya B
 
Yeah the Soul Asylum 'Runaway Train' song had me in tears.
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"I’m still committed to eating ice cream as though it could disappear at any moment."

#AmericanVoices  
Physicists in the U.K. have isolated a naturally occurring protein in ice cream that binds together water, air, and fat content to keep the scoop solid, a protein they can replicate and use to develop ice cream that doesn’t melt. What do you think?
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Tanya B's profile photoANON TH's profile photoWho Cares (Quartex)'s profile photoMatthew Russell's profile photo
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Tanya B
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This is what they created right after they discovered how to clone sheep... same process actually, something about nuclear transfer.
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EASTON, NJ—Refusing to allow the subtle objectification and belittlement to taint the story of how they first met, members of the Thurman family confirmed Friday that they were tuning out the hints of misogyny in their grandfather’s loving recollection of courting their grandmother.
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˙ɯ ɥsɐʎ's profile photoKevin Vaught's profile photoGary AAms's profile photoAndrew Fogelsong's profile photo
5 comments
 
Misogyny - isn't that like gynocogyny?
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NEW YORK—Celebrating his legal victory as fresh steam swirled around his bare body, a naked, dripping wet Tom Brady was absolutely thrilled with the decision to overturn his four-game suspension, the imagination of federal judge Richard Berman confirmed Thursday.
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Mark Bennett's profile photoScott M.'s profile photoJustin Kari Spence's profile photoChristopher Hickey's profile photo
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Tanya B
 
Nice head-on-body CGI there Onion. My realization was late but concrete.
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The Onion

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BRISTOL, CT—While looking to retrieve several pages of research notes for an upcoming broadcast of SportsCenter, ESPN anchor Linda Cohn confirmed Thursday that she found what appeared to be Tim Kurkjian’s design for a baseball card of himself sitting in the office printer.
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Have them in circles
2,775,911 people
njeriu kek's profile photo
Darrell Tuanis's profile photo
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Chin Yiu Chau's profile photo
Lookpad Nomoretear's profile photo
Chaowei Liang's profile photo
kate grede's profile photo
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