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The Onion
3,385,273 followers -
America's Finest News Source
America's Finest News Source

3,385,273 followers
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"To be perfectly honest, we all thought it was a nice little barnyard story about getting along."
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"I can’t believe the Capitol police made me wait in the hallway with the other handmaids."
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"Seriously, he would have absolutely wiped the floor with me."
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"In these controversial times, brands like Adidas must take a stand."
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Electrician Tyler Pendleton's selfless defense of our greatest ideals almost certainly prevented a massive traffic jam that would have inevitably ripped asunder the very fabric of civilization.
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"This new training exercise instructs students to lock classroom doors, barricade entry points, and then quietly use phones or other electronic devices to log into social media accounts and beg their elected representatives to take some sort of action."
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“I have a lot of memories of going back and forth on whether accepting all this money from the NRA made me complicit in all of these deaths, but nowadays, I just fire off my ‘thoughts and prayers’ tweet without thinking about it and just keep going about my day.”
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"Everywhere you look there are inscriptions warning of the dangers of not wearing your seatbelt. I just can’t get the images out of my mind."
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"I am deeply sorry for thinking you would all react the way I’m accustomed to and simply disregard all misconduct claims made against someone in such a powerful position."
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“There’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Indiana resident Harold Turner, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations.
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