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The Onion
3,441,590 followers -
America's Finest News Source
America's Finest News Source

3,441,590 followers
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"Every member of this organization is obligated to contribute its fair share."

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"We figured surprising him with the summary execution of a government official would be a great way to boost his spirits."

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“They are incredibly sensitive to sound and scramble deeper into their caves anytime one of the roller-coaster cars speed past.”

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“Was it an overdose? Was there blood? Did he die alone in a hotel room or something?”

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"We’ll be loaning out Old Faithful, one of our most popular tourist attractions, to Acadia National Park in Maine, where it will be on display from April to October as part of a special exhibition."

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This April, Sesame Street will introduce a character named Julia who is diagnosed with autism. What do you think?

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“Under the proposed American Health Care Act, those experiencing anxiety over the impact of the Trump administration, or just suffering from generalized distress over the future of the nation, will have to pay exorbitant out-of-pocket expenses for any therapies required to cope.”

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“Oh, hey, Kyle,” local man Gabe Fellman said as he casually made his way to his desk, attempting to abide by the impossible standard for as long as he and his colleague are both employed at the same digital marketing firm.

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"Over the course of a 24-hour period, a typical American prays to God about a dozen times that nobody noticed what just happened."

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"I am your new Attorney General, and it is my sworn duty to put an end to the savage lawlessness in this country, so here’s how it’s gonna be."
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