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The Onion
3,446,106 followers -
America's Finest News Source
America's Finest News Source

3,446,106 followers
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The Onion's posts

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The Grocery Manufacturers Association proposed changes to the often confusing expiration labels on food, suggesting a more universal system of “use by” for food that spoils, and “best if used by” for food that’s simply fresher if consumed immediately. What do you think?

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"Ahhhh, yes, that’s good shit, tha—mmmmmmmmm."

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"He’s got maybe a month left on the planet, and that dumbass is totally blowing it by standing around doing nothing all day on a goddamn tree branch."

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For the first time in their 31-year history, American Girl is releasing a male “American Boy” doll named Logan Everett, a drummer from Nashville. What do you think?

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"Oh, God, how did I miss this shit?"

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“His innovative idea to prohibit defenders from rushing the quarterback until they said ‘Mississippi’ five times succeeded in increasing scoring and encouraged the development of more complex defenses.”

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"Clearly, something doesn’t add up about that kid, but I can’t quite put my finger on it."

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"It’s such an honor to be surrounded by almost countless people who, if it ever came down to it, I could hand over to the authorities in order to escape prosecution."

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“I’ll check out high school friends, college friends, work friends—it’s important to get a good mix. You can’t just accept whatever’s fed to you, you know?”

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To honor the charity event Red Nose Day this May, filmmaker Richard Curtis will produce a brief miniature sequel to his 2003 smash hit Love Actually, checking in on many of the original characters. What do you think?
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