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The Onion

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VAIL, CO—Trekking well beyond the comfortable terrain of the first few pages of his Google search, local man Bruce Costas, 35, was reportedly forced to venture deep into the harsh wilds of the internet Wednesday to have his opinion confirmed by outside sources.
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Glen Foster's profile photoDavid Aaron's profile photo
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ι've done тнιѕ вeғore. 😐
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The Onion

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"We must not allow this ignoble parasite to usurp our rightful place as the most feared and reviled pest in all the land."
GRAND IMPERIAL THRONE ROOM, CASTLE ROACH—His Royal Highness, King Leopold Blattodea IV, undisputed lord and ruler of the cockroaches, expressed dismay and concern Monday that the recent rise in bedbug populations could threaten his sovereignty over the realm of human squalor.
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"To be honest, everything’s been happening just as I planned it."
ST. LOUIS—While admitting he’d been nervous at first about the seriousness of the felony he was committing, local kidnapper Milt Horton reported Wednesday that his abduction and ransoming of a 7-year-old boy “could not be going any more ...
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Ian Holt's profile photoTri Nguyen's profile photoCourtney Karl's profile photoJackie Moon's profile photo
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#inspiring story of success.
He should go from local to global now.
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The Onion

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The newly released Air Fornicators promise better traction during coitus.
BEAVERTON, OR—According to a Nike press release, the Air Fornicator's revolutionary midsole component works to adapt to the user’s pelvic motions and cushions the overall shock of repetitive grinding.
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Jared Ngesa's profile photoDave Kiser's profile photoOrlando Muldoon's profile photoJackie Moon's profile photo
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+Dave Kiser those are the best once.
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The Onion

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“We adjuncts have needed a celebrity advocate for so long.”

#AmericanVoices
The London School of Economics and Political Science has hired Angelina Jolie as a visiting professor to teach a masters-level course in Women, Peace, and Security. What do you think?
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Wayne Moyer's profile photoM Sudjak Saenong's profile photoRosa Antonelli's profile photoOrlando Muldoon's profile photo
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Well, if Reagan can be president...
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The Onion

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SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”
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Aaron Gilliland's profile photoWayne Moyer's profile photoJoe T.'s profile photohighspacefox's profile photo
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wow now the Onion is advertising movies? pathetic.
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The Onion

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“I suppose I could try a new brand of ice cream in the mornings.”

#AmericanVoices
A new South Korean ice cream treat called the Gyeondyo, or “hang in there” bar, claims to cure hangovers with raisin tree extract, an ingredient historically used to combat the after-effects of alcohol consumption. What do you think?
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"He’s got me worried sick!"
ATLANTA—Growing increasingly concerned with each successive call, local man Ryan Mead, 24, began to worry late Tuesday afternoon after his drug dealer, Jared, failed to pick up his phone.
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That urge can be a mothefucker arriva la razaaaaa

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"He’s quick as hell and a lot stronger than he looks, and he’s smart—very smart."
PLAINS, GA—After regaining consciousness on the floor of the den inside Jimmy Carter’s private residence, a pair of groggy Secret Service agents quickly realized that the 91-year-old former president was on the loose, sources reported Wednesday.
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Charles Urban's profile photoPaul Averick's profile photoD Lamar Sobotor's profile photofrank erck's profile photo
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Guy was in the Academy, +D Lamar Sobotor. Who knows what kind of plebe flashbacks are going through his mind.

I agree w/+Paul Averick, he keistered a hammer and should be considered armed and dangerous.

He's white, so at most he'll be tased. He'll be right after they give him some of Rosalynn's sweet tea.
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Brent Quigley does not back down from rewriting stern and accusatory passages several times a day.
COLUMBUS, OH—Brent Quigley considered sending the e-mail, clicking and holding his mouse arrow over the
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Created a similar email to myself. Subject line: Red Shirt's Log
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"I just know the son of a bitch is hung like a bear, too."
CORVALLIS, OR—Given that she is not at her sister's, aunt's or best friend Erika's, was not at her desk any of the 12 times he phoned her at the office, and does not normally go grocery shopping until the weekend—not to mention the fact that she didn't come to the door either time he rang the doorbell and hid in the bushes, even though her bedroom light was on—area resident Kristin Mulcahy is probably sleeping with that guy at this very moment, l...
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Wayne R
 
Not right now,,but she's coming over tonight for some more
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“This man’s waste is going to shape our world for a long time to come.”
PEORIA, IL—Explaining that the waste he creates today will still be affecting society in significant ways centuries from now, experts from Northwestern University confirmed Tuesday that local resident Aaron Jacobson’s garbage will have a far greater impact on the world than he will.
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Gaberham Lincoln's profile photoWoody G's profile photoMike Johnson's profile photoDavid Connor's profile photo
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+Mike Johnson Good to see that your stalker is replenishing your milk.
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