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The Onion
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America's Finest News Source
America's Finest News Source

3,395,992 followers
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"This new training exercise instructs students to lock classroom doors, barricade entry points, and then quietly use phones or other electronic devices to log into social media accounts and beg their elected representatives to take some sort of action."
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“I have a lot of memories of going back and forth on whether accepting all this money from the NRA made me complicit in all of these deaths, but nowadays, I just fire off my ‘thoughts and prayers’ tweet without thinking about it and just keep going about my day.”
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"Everywhere you look there are inscriptions warning of the dangers of not wearing your seatbelt. I just can’t get the images out of my mind."
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"I am deeply sorry for thinking you would all react the way I’m accustomed to and simply disregard all misconduct claims made against someone in such a powerful position."
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“There’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Indiana resident Harold Turner, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations.
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"Every heart-shaped puppy is engraved with a personalized message on the back and shipped to your door in a special red velvet kennel to ensure proper spinal curvature throughout the puppy’s full two- to three-week lifespan. It’s almost too much!"
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Several of the women scanned the crowd and instantly identified area man Charles Wieland as a feeble man who would be incapable of putting up a defense when descended upon by a wild, chattering group of friends with outstretched smartphones.
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"Initially, I expected everyone would just recommend their favorite prepubescent catgirl manga, incest dating games, or good old tentacle sex videos, but I couldn’t help noticing they knew each other extremely well."
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