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The Onion

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[American Voices]

"My body already screams McDonald’s."
McDonald’s debuted a new lifestyle product line featuring clothes printed with patterns of Big Mac burgers as part of its “imlovinit24” corporate marketing campaign, which involved staging 24 McDonald’s-themed stunts over 24 hours.
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I would only wear a pair of the pants if they would hold the mayo.
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WEST LAFAYETTE, IN—According to a troubling report released Friday by Purdue University, instances of women dreamily sliding down the back of their front door after kissing a date on the porch of their residence have plummeted 78 percent.
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Reason: because MGTOW.  Women aren't worth the legal risks  #mgtow  
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PRO: $2,000 per semester could deter students from going pro for millions of dollars

CON: Could detract from purity of multi-billion-dollar collegiate athletics industry
As college athletic programs continue to generate millions of dollars in revenue for their schools, advocates for student-athletes have begun pushing for schools to pay their players, while opponents say that compensating athletes has the potential to ...
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NEW BRITAIN, CT—Calling a strong independent press “absolutely vital” to a democratic society, the staff of The Recorder, Central Connecticut State University’s student-run newspaper, confirmed Friday they know exactly how t...
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Blame Obama?
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[American Voices]

"Listen, if you know a better way to get children ready for naptime besides letting them climb all over a solemn tribute to fallen veterans, I’m all ears."
Parents visiting Washington, D.C. with their kids this week sparked outrage and controversy by encouraging them to climb and play on the Vietnam Women’s Memorial, which honors U.S.
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Take it off the ground and literally put the women on a pedestal., where nobody can see  or care about their efforts.
These rotten brats will fight someday and some stupid parents will lose some. Lets condemn them for playing on a piece of bronze. I bet most women would like kids playing on them. That's what they sacrificed for. Vets served to protect, not to be honored around every corner.
Sorry, nothing snarky today.
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CLEVELAND—Shrieking at the top of his lungs as he scuttled through Quicken Loans Arena during a game between Wichita State and Notre Dame, sources confirmed Thursday that a fully nude, ash-streaked Dick Vitale was observed loudly proclaiming that th...
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+Terry Hook Haven't you noticed that these articles are supposed to be satirical? People these days...
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CLEVELAND, OH—Following the Wildcats’ 78-39 victory over West Virginia in the Sweet 16, Kentucky sources confirmed that coach John Calipari had canceled Friday’s practice so the players could get fitted for NBA draft suits.
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Coach Calipari, "When the kids' agents say there's no practice, there's no practice."
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PHILADELPHIA—Providing further insight into the country’s rapidly shifting attitudes about gender, a study released Friday by the Pew Research Center found that a growing number of Americans would be comfortable with a female Pep Boy.
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CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...
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My parents are Republicans, so for me, the bar was set at eighth grade science.
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The Onion - America's Finest News Source
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Think of them as 10 important stepping stones on that long tortuous road to becoming a psychopathic serial killer.
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With the University of Kentucky men’s basketball team just four games away from completing a perfect 40-0 season, Onion Sports takes a look back at the greatest undefeated runs in sports history. 1971 Nebraska Cornhuskers: The Univers...
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Laces out
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WASHINGTON—Noting that the Valero Energy representative had been coming to his office for more than a decade now, Sen.
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+Chris Ahlstrom maybe so but i bet most working there kinda agree
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