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The Onion

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“It’s only been a month since I made the switch, but you can tell how much my body’s changed.”
MIDDLETOWN, KY—Noting that his new look had really turned heads among friends and family, local man Steven Jensen told reporters Wednesday that he had recently stopped dieting and had already started to see results.
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The Onion

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“Now don’t tell your parents—this is just between you and me. Good boy.”
NEW BEDFORD, MA—Waiting until her daughter and son-in-law were occupied getting drinks in the kitchen following a family dinner at her home Sunday, local grandmother Ellen Sullivan, 72, is said to have palmed her 11-year-old grandson Jason Tucci $10 like she was fixing a heavyweight boxing match.
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tersse b's profile photoJason Allen's profile photoD Lamar Sobotor's profile photoReginald Walters's profile photo
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There's weed in that cash, boy. Bosom weed.
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The Onion

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"Carol from book club told me about it and sent me a recipe to cook it in a skillet."
MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.
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The Onion

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“Should these private prisons be looking to recoup their losses, I am in need of several hundred bunk beds.”

#AmericanVoices
The Justice Department has announced they will end their use of prisons run by private contractors, a system in place since 1997, determining that no money is saved nor are inmates any safer as a result of the arrangement. What do you think?
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The Onion

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Here are some tips for making sure your items are safe during your travels:
Traveling during the summer can be fun and exhilarating, but nothing ruins a trip like getting your possessions stolen. Whether you’re hiking, road-tripping, or relaxing at a resort, here are some tips for making sure your items are safe during your travels:
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"I just press ‘send’ and then I’m finished, right? That’s it? Wonderful."
POMPANO BEACH, FL—Moments after successfully sending her first text message from her new smartphone Tuesday, 75-year-old Eleanor Brodeson is said to have felt immense relief at the knowledge she had surmounted the final technological advancement of her lifetime.
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“So it was in space this whole time? I knew it.”

#AmericanVoices
Though the agency lost contact with its sun-studying spacecraft STEREO-B in October 2014, NASA announced they have once again located the vessel via their Deep Space Network of radio antennae. What do you think?
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giani morlocan's profile photoEarle Hutchison's profile photoCormac Nocton's profile photo
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Oh, that old thing? Yeah, that was getting dusty just sitting in my basement, so I decided it was time to let it go.
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The Onion

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"She plays the victim card and then—poof—just like that, she’s instantly showered with hate-filled posts on her Facebook page."
CHARLOTTE, NC—Insisting the alleged victim must have an ulterior motive, numerous residents told reporters Thursday that local woman Beth Hutchins probably made up her story about being raped just so she could receive a barrage of threatening emails.
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Sicko bitch lesbo.
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"I just need to stay on top of him to make sure he gets there."
NORMAN, OK—Watching the 11-year-old play shortstop for his Little League team, local father Mark Garrett reported Wednesday that he thinks his son, Nathan, has what it takes to become an embittered alcoholic journeyman in the minor leagues.
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Never sell the loser short !!!
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“Please, you should all just save yourself the effort.”
WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.
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bullxead Igor (bullxead)'s profile photoTalon Marshall's profile photoJohnny oneye's profile photoStephen Whiting's profile photo
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+Talon Marshall Like twenty years of science denial? Next up, "Fire Blizzards", coming to a Trump-voting trailer park near you! Fun!
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"I’m positive that with a few crucial adjustments I can shave 10 seconds off of that average, no problem."
OLYMPIA, WA—Saying that he’s done a few trial runs already and is confident he can reach his target time soon, area father Richard Downing, 62, told reporters Thursday that he’s on track to bring the average length of a phone call with h...
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My son only calls every couple years. Then it is for money to pay off his drug dealer. 
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PHILADELPHIA—Showing reportedly no signs whatsoever of fear, restraint, or apprehension, sources confirmed today bold local graphic designer Dan Perrett was just watching videos on his laptop, with the sound on and everything, during a 1 p.m.
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Jason Allen's profile photoJeffrey Heesch's profile photoKinley Dorji's profile photoD Lamar Sobotor's profile photo
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Don't you mean bold ex-employee ?
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Have them in circles
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