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Texas Butter®
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Homeless wifeless friend had the nerve to ask if those were wild caught Gulf Coast shrimps (the rich peoples ones). I said yes. He said, I can tell. (they're not)
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I proly don't have to tell you a consequence using X-mas lights around a sink full of water
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Bought a compact remote to save real estate. Now I need a back scratcher...
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So long pants!
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You know what rhymes with Monday night? Hacksaw Jim Duggan
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My friend forgot her gravy boat or as the yuppie calls it neti pot. Nice lil addition for the Christmas party.
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Just drank 4 glasses of Metamucil. What's the all the hype about? I don't feel unconfined...
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Texans don't bother calling FEMA it's either busy or disconnects or they don't carry chain tires. I wont my chain tires...
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Used to pity my Grandpa having to use a manifying glass. I'm sitting here on The Big Ole' Al Gore Interweb Mall wearing my computer glasses searching for one... looking at you through the glass #pitiful
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Got some eye ball bag shrinker lotion. Thought I could reverse engineer my moobs. I was rong, nipples have inverted and now a peanut M&M got stuck. #lifeofaninnovator
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