I just want to say what a year it has been. Started off being the best year. I was debt free (besides college) I had studied for certifications and had money set back to finally do what I've always wanted to do!
But then it went down from their. I started having anxiety attacks, getting worked up over the smallest things, worried something bad would happen, but never saying anything until I broke.
My job kept becoming more and more unruley, as more and more people left, and I became a senior when I've only been there a year.
Broke down for the first time, sitting in a corner crying at work at 4am in the morning, calling the only person I cared about, who only told me I was being an idiot.
Then, half way into the year, the worst thing to happen in my life, the one thing I did not plan for. August 30th 2016. I found out that the life I knew now was a lie, and had been for 6 years. That the future I planned for so long was nothing but a figment of my imagination. The money I worked so many hours and felt so much pain for, was useless.
I felt what it's like to have your world turn upside down, for one that looks and feels for the future to have it but a fleeting memory. For the one you gave your soul to, to just drop it. Or even worse, to find that it was already on the floor, I just never noticed.
Then to drink the memories away, to have my dark past face me after so long, to be lost in the world people call the present. To sink myself more and more into stress and debt to help ease the pain from the memory.
To realize that my life was a lie, and also that I myself lied to so many others. For a person that only lied for helping others, I became this selfish egotistical arrogant person, who even now is spouting nonsense to deaf ears.
I forgotten through the years what it ment to not let someone else carry your soul, and I had always thought I was carrying theirs when that was never true. Nothing I have ever done influenced anyone positively, but instead I became a leech and drained money, time, and happiness from others.
I live today, only so that I can one day hope to change. To help people again, and to finally find someone that I can actually share my soul with, even if it's still in pieces. But it will never been the same as my first only love I've ever had.. which I think anyone who has felt that would agree with.
I currently stand at a cross roads, between giving up, or trying harder. I've always had someone else choose this path for me, never once needing to face it myself, but yet now.. I've been forced to choose..
What a year it's been. I hope everyone, if anyone, who reads this realizes the purpose I did so. Not just that I'm rambling, or venting my depressed thoughts, but for the fact that you are living in the present. You are lucky to be there, and you realize that you have a future, and a cross roads every day.
I pray that everyone makes the right one, as I hope I am doing as well. For I am choosing to not give up, even though I've lost everything but my material objects. It doesn't come close to the life I've lost... But I'll make a future where I came help as many as I can, and you too can help others. There's no need for war or violence. There's no need to argue who is better. And if you don't want to get in the mix of debates, then at least help yourself, but do it in a way that it doesn't hurt others. The day this happens, is the day we live in a perfect world.
I know most don't know this, but I'm actually very religious. But I won't discriminate against atheism, or Muslims or anything. I won't deny science, or bash people who hate. Everyone of us are humans, and even then I wouldn't bash animals or if there is something more I wouldn't bash that either.
The fact that I loved a man, yet believe in Christianity. The fact I want to help others even though I've been called the extinct plague because of my belief. Even though I have hope that I will find someone who will love me for longer then the few years of this mortal life, it goes to show that my blood and bones don't make me human. It's the humanity I have for everyone. The hope I have for everyone. That makes me human.
Good night everyone, and happy new years.