Edited for tags at the bottom.
Okay, so I was able to whip this up in just over an hour. My bits of research and my personal thoughts on how 50 Shades is actually not the representation of a BDSM lifestyle or anything at all like that, WITH more sources than I thought I'd include. Let's see if this actually posts. It's... incredibly lengthy.
BDSM revolves ENTIRELY around communication and the premise of "safe", "sane", and "consensual".
Whoever is bottoming, be it someone who identifies as a submissive, bottom, slave, little girl/boy, even as a pet as a pup, kitten, pig, /whatever/, always has total control of the situation. If they say "red" or whatever their safe word is, the scene immediately stops. If the word is said, or the drop object has fallen, it is DONE. The Top/Dom/Sadist/Domme/Master/Sir/Ma'am/Mommy/Daddy WHATEVER immediately stops what they are doing, They take Their other half out of whatever they're in and they immediately go into Aftercare. There is zero shaming for this as the person has hit their limit for what they can tolerate and thus they withdraw their consent. This is one thing that our "Twue Dom" fails miserably. Ana says she's done, she's said her safeword, and guess what our Twue Dom does? He continues anyway because HE isn't done. As soon as that safeword is said, if things continue, that is ASSAULT. If it's sexual in nature? That is SEXUAL ASSAULT, bordering on RAPE. Do you support rape outside of fantasy? I sure hope not. Consent is something that can be withdrawn. Once consent has been laid down, it is not something that you can ignore it being removed. Sometimes people get so into the scene/action that they may start saying "No" and "Stop", that's why the idea/premise of safewords has been made - so that the person who is bottoming can communicate clearly to their other half how they are in the scene. The common safewords are "Green", "Yellow", and "Red". It's a quick and easy way to communicate if the person is doing just fine, if they're getting to where they're uncomfortable, and where they want it to stop.
Perfect example of assault:
"No," I protest, trying to kick him off.
He stops. "If you struggle, I'll tie your feet too. If you make a noise, Anastasia, I will gag you."
She has retracted her consent here, if it was given at all. She wants no part of this. THIS IS ASSAULT.
Oh, and to go into aftercare... This is something that our Twue Dom apparently fails pretty badly as well. After any and every scene, be it with dirty talk or with spankings, there should be hugs, cuddles, chocolates, SOMETHING to show care and that there is love in the relationship. Something that any experienced person in the scene knows very well that must be done. Our Twue Dom doesn't do this. I once was called a bad girl during something and it left me incredibly down, nearly crying, when all was done. I didn't say anything about it, he didn't know at all. He didn't know any better because I didn't tell him, but I still feel he should have come back and hugged me after it was done. This is largely on me because he has zero knowledge of such things and I need to communicate despite my immediate defensive position of wanting to put some blame on him. I'll leave this subject here before I start going in circles fighting with myself.
Now, on to stalking.
"Alaska is very cold and no place to run. I would find you. I can track your cell phone - remember?"
This line alone is fuckiNG TERRIFYING. He's done this before, he's got no qualms about doing it again. I want zero part of dealing with this person and this just makes me fear for my LIFE. If I'm correct, Edward does this to Bella as well. Not to mention leaving her in an unknown place.
Let's also not forget how jealous our Twue Dom gets when Ana talks of other men or may be around them. Like Edward, he wants to control who she can see and be around.
He narrows his eyes, and then seems to remember himself. Releasing my hand, he takes my elbow and leads me out of the room. "This conversation is not over," he whispers threateningly.
This, out of context as it is, is fucking terrifying as well. This SCREAMS physical abuse behind closed doors. I can only imagine how many other men and women experience this and then come out having banged into a door or a door frame.
Then there's this also, terrifying in it's own right.
"You need to learn to manage my expectations. I am not a patient man." He'd probably like to beat seven shades of shit out of me. The thought is depressing.
NO PERSON IDENTIFYING AS A DOMINANT OR TOP WOULD EVER DO THIS. They would never make their partner depressed with these kind of thoughts. I know of one or two people that would LOVE to have seven shades beaten out of them and they get excited over it. For her to say that the thought is depressing and for her to assume this from him? That's screaming physical and emotional abuse. No sub/slave/bottom in general has to "manage [their dom's] expectations" in the way it's spoken of here. If someone fails in their general chores/"expectations"? Chances are it's a nose holding a coin to the wall. Maybe for someone that hates being child-like, hair in pigtails or having to wear something childish. Someone that doesn't like spankings may get a few OTK. A "beating" isn't something that someone gets unless they're in an abusive relationship.
Let's also not forget about "coerced consent". If you've been drinking, then you cannot consent to anything as your judgement is impaired. That's how college guys and several others get away with little to no sentence for rape when they're accused and taken to court. "She agreed to it" after they had a few drinks and she was stumbling around. If you have to get a person to drink to consent, that's not consent, THAT IS SEXUAL ASSAULT AND RAPE.
"So you felt demeaned, debased, abused & assaulted - how very Tess Durbeyfield of you. I believe it was you who decided on the debasement if I remember correctly. Do you really feel like this or do you think you ought feel like this? Two very different things. If that is how you feel, do you think you could just try and embrace these feelings, deal with them, for me? That's what a submissive would do."
Dude. Emotional manipulation is not cool. A submissive communicates their thoughts to their Top and they are NEVER guilted for them. The Top keeps their bottom's thoughts and feelings in mind and may have an open discussion about what they like and don't. Take for instance, one of my friends is a sadist. They love inflicting pain, but their other half absolutely hates it. They're a service sub. The Sadist understands that it's something their sub doesn't like and so doesn't press the subject. The Sadist may play a scene with another person if the three agree upon it so that the Sadist can inflict the pain they want.
If Bella and Edward are in a relationship that's abusive (http://io9.com/5413428/official-twilights-bella--edward-are-in-an-abusive-relationship
) it's kinda hard to say that this isn't abusive either. This "Dominant" often scares Ana and frequently controls her in ways she can't stand. She wants to get away from him, but he said he'll find her anyway. This man is terrifying. I don't want anything to do with him.
Here's a comment on an article that sums it up for me, from the first book.
"At the Grey family dinner when Christian puts his hand between her legs and she rebuffs him, he takes her into the boat house and basically raped her. Another is when Christian stalks and follows her to Georgia after she tells him she needs some time alone! Yet another is when Anastasia gets drunk and her friend makes a move, and Anastasia calls Grey on a drunk dial, he tracks her phone to find where she is at the drives her home when she never told him where she lived, that’s right, he stalked her there too. Are you starting to get a picture of who this Christian Grey is? A control freak with trust issues and stalker tenancies. Let’s not forget that he knows everything about Anastasia but she is not allowed to ask him anything about his life, and he tells her who she can and cant be around, dress like, eat, do, etc. What a charming fellow eh?"
(Source: Taylor http://themattwalshblog.com/2014/07/25/women-america-4-reasons-hate-50-shades-grey/#Ho8e80FDEbpsERR1.99
Here, talk to a (different) Sadist about how His lifestyle with His girl. Anonymous is turned on for Asks. http://sadisticgames.tumblr.com
Take a look at TBK's Kendra Holliday on 50 Shades and explore her website about her lifestyle. http://thebeautifulkind.com/30-shades-of-great-erotica/
And then another person on Tumblr tore apart 50 Shades, chapter by chapter, and did a character analysis on the Twue Dom and Ana.http://kittenvs50des.tumblr.com/post/67077026990/the-fifty-shades-of-grey-archive
And bonus! The original book that this fanfiction was based off of! Twilight's analysis, chapter by chapter. (Just the first book I think)http://das-sporking.livejournal.com/77053.html
The only reason I'd support the movies is that they actually cast Indigenous Americans in their correct roles.
Here's a resource site for safe and sane kinks.https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/50-shades.html
Here is some more about how 50 Shades is terrible material to go off of:http://www.crushable.com/2012/07/30/entertainment/fifty-shades-of-grey-sexual-assault-bdsm-603/
Huffpost goes over it as well.
"In order to be Christian's submissive, Anastasia is expected to sign a lengthy and detailed contract that, amongst other requirements, requires that she exercise four days a week with a trainer that Christian provides (and who will report to Christian on her progress), eat only from a list of foods Christian supplies her with, get eight hours of sleep a night and begin taking a form of birth control so Christian will not have to wear condoms. Anastasia negotiates a few terms of the contract with Christian (she only wants to work out three days a week, not four), but all of her negotiations are only within his framework -- none of the terms are hers independently. Nothing in their relationship is hers as an independent."http://www.huffingtonpost.com/carey-purcell/fifty-shades-of-grey-feminism_b_2395932.html
Then we've also got the Wiki page on 50 Shades, specifically the "Depiction of BDSM" and the "Glorification of abuse" sections.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fifty_Shades_of_Grey#Depiction_of_BDSM
Have a huge amount of information from Wiki's BDSM page.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM
Have 50 things wrong with 50 Shades. It's incredibly in-depth and goes over thinks like kink-shaming, feminist fails (sexism and sexist tropes), various abusive content in the books (like READING EMAILS without consent, ISOLATION), and treatment of consent (oh, like ignoring consent? That's rape. Seriously.)http://zephyrscribe.tumblr.com/post/52727257364/fifty-things-wrong-with-fifty-shades-of-grey
Also, he goes against his very basic agreement of having the contract almost immediately? What the hell?
Here, have some words from a person that is a submissive.http://www.theguardian.com/society/2012/aug/25/fifty-shades-submissive-sophie-morgan
Have several excepts, actually.
"At this point I must admit to a vested interest: I am a submissive. When you put it that way it sounds terribly big and significant, not least because if everything you know about BDSM comes from EL James's trilogy then you're probably assuming I spend most of my life connected by a digital umbilical cord to my dominant, only a helicopter ride away from fulfilling his every sexual whim.
[ . . . ]
To address some of the other pesky stereotypes: I am neither a doormat nor a simpleton. I don't roll my eyes or gnaw on my lip or yearn to spend my day in the kitchen while someone hunts and gathers for me and I keep the home fires burning, which is just as well as I'm not that great a cook apart from a baking obsession (yes, complete with cliched love for The Great British Bake Off's Paul Hollywood – it's something about his eyes).
[ . . . ]
It might seem strange if you're not that way inclined, but I enjoy the catharsis of the pain – which, trust me, feels very different in an erotic situation as otherwise I'm the sort of woman who can't cope with a leg wax because it hurts too much. I find being challenged and humiliated hot. Without being big headed, in my day-to-day life I can pretty much handle whatever the universe throws at me, so being on the back foot (although not passive, another misconception of what being submissive means) and reacting often brings about an adrenaline high in its own right. Like sky diving but with more nakedness and no plummeting to the ground."
Have another link about why 50 Shades is terrible for the BDSM community.http://iam.yellingontheinternet.com/2013/02/03/the-glorification-of-abuse-in-50-shades/
Do you want something that actually tackles the BDSM lifestyle and puts shows an example of a perfect Dom and a perfect sub that's still fanfiction? Feel free to create an account and log in here to read this. It goes over what you do and don't do and what the effects of not communicating, or following the basics, do.http://ashwinder.sycophanthex.com/viewstory.php?sid=20498
Mind, not everyone uses a contract, but it is a very good thing to have.
I don't see how any of this book demonstrates those basic and simple guidelines of "safe, sane, and consensual". All this shows me is scary shit that many individuals have to come home to.
If you want another story that goes around BDSM, look at The Story of O. I haven't read it, I should seriously read it, but I can't yet. It's a classic anyway, and a bit more extreme. Regardless, I need to buy it and find my Kindle.
Also, Mara Wilson, our lovely Matilda, also recommends the series The Boss series by Abigail Barnette. If you're on Amazon, be sure to go with the one that actually has Barnette's name on the author link. Here's Mara's thoughts on 50 Shades.http://www.thehothits.com/news/47319/%27matilda%27-star-is-50-shades-of-hate
If you really want to see the insides of what a BDSM lifestyle and action is like? Join Fetlife. Talk to people on there. Fetlife is about the best you can get because of it is for people that live a kinky lifestyle. There are vanilla people on there, no worries. Just be sure to fill out your profile, definitely the About Me, join some groups, and talk to the people on the welcome wagon. Definitely join the Kinky and Geeky group. Look for the Book Club groups on there. Talk to people that actually are in the lifestyle, be they in a DD/lg or MD/lb (or whatever combination) relationship, have a D/s relationship, if it's more of a pet relationship, or whatever.
Also, here are a couple more things.
SG on Tumblr (the Sadist I linked to) on BDSM stereotypes:http://sadisticgames.tumblr.com/post/110090484059/
50 abusive moments in 50 Shadeshttp://theramblingcurl.blogspot.co.uk/2014/02/fifty-abusive-moments-in-fifty-shades.html?m=1
"2. He immediately becomes possessive of Ana - before they're even a couple. Brace yourselves everyone, because we're still only on chapter two at this point ."
"He tells her not to use his first name, ensuring that whilst he can call her Ana, she is stuck with "Mr Grey" or "Sir." He says things like "You should find me intimidating" and he tells her that she's very self-contained "except when you blush, which is often." " This is Chapter 3, btw.
"My own abusive ex gave me a warning similar to the one Christian gives Ana and it worked on me; I stuck around. And of course, when things got bad, I blamed myself for not heeding his warnings, rather than blaming him for his behaviour. Heads up to those who've note read Fifty Shades? Ana does the exact same thing."
"6. He takes her back to his hotel when she's too drunk to give consent. Chapter five begins with Ana waking up in Christian's bed. She's worried that they may have had sex, because she doesn't remember how she got there."
Then we also have this amusing little review from Goodreads, just for giggles.https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/340987215
Oh, and this as well, given to me by a friend whom I asked what they thought about 50 Shades. They said, and gave, the following.
"it doesn't properly explain the safety, consensual nature, health concerns, or give and take in a bdsm relationship. what they have is an abuser relationship where he takes and commands and does what he wants and it's unhealthy and shite"http://polyfurvert.tumblr.com/post/109787384205/ #bdsm #50shadesofgrey #50shades #bdsmlifestyle