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Apple to Sue CERN over Higgs Boson

Apple has sued CERN to block appearance of the collaboration's highly anticipated Higgs Boson in the United States.

The Cupertino tech giant is looking to receive an injunction on the grounds that the Higgs Boson infringes on at least two Apple patents.

According the complaint, which was filed in a California court earlier today and posted online by disgruntled scientists, the Higgs Boson clearly infringes on rotating displays and unified search technologies owned by Apple.

Apple’s complaint claims “it is clear that infringement can be shown with respect to these patents based on the current record. And anyway, Steve Jobs found God in the 1970s."

CERN, unsurprisingly, is having none of it. “CERN believes Apple’s request is without merit,” a CERN spokesperson told the Swiss Times in a statement. “We will vigorously oppose the request and demonstrate to the court that the Higgs Boson is unique and distinctive.”

Apple’s move to block the Higgs Boson in the United States is just the latest in a long line of patent disputes between companies that use computers in their work. Last month, Apple filed a motion against the National Weather Service over its iCloud patents.

CERN unveiled the Higgs on US Independence Day, in a move thought to be a deliberate swipe at Apple. Perhaps the most anticipated sub-atomic particle this year, it’s the final piece in CERN's popular Standard Model lineup following the Graviton S2.

The Higgs features around 190 GeV of non-configurable mass, a zero-spin display, and enough decay routes to populate a small mall. It is expected to run on Android Jelly Bean.

Apple’s Higgs Boson complaint cites press reports saying CERN has already created more than four hundred Higgs Bosons — meaning it could cause “irreparable harm” to Apple were these bosons to enter the US.

Do you think Apple has any ground to stand on here, or is this a frivolous complaint? Weigh in below.

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I don't try to boycott anyone when the cause of the abuse is certain kind of legislation with a widespread support in the population. Instead, I try to convince other people that the real cause of the abuse is the law, and that we'd better off without such law.
There's my big laugh for the day. Thanks!
That was funny. Soon we won't be able to shit because apple will no doubt patent the process.
I found this massively entertaining.
Never user apple products...never will...other than cider ...delicious
What scares me dead is that some people are seemingly taking this post seriously.
If you mean Fox News viewers, they'll believe anything. Of course, I doubt they'd know what the Higgs boson is.
HA! That was great! Seriously funny stuff, thanks for that.
I thought this was for real (I mean, it's Apple, man), but Higgs Boson running on Jelly Bean gave it away.
Classic, nice one, laughed hysterical.
Yess when will apple learn they dont own everything....smh. They pratically invented technology itself! Gawd! Lol this has to stop i have lost all respect for apple and threw away my 4s and bought a galaxy s3 and it is frickin awsome!
This has got to be from the onion
So has Apple become Microsoft? Ooops.
I wish I was a patent attorney. Actually I should become one and email my CV to apple.
Omg apple, give it a break!!! Everyone knows you make outstanding products ad good customer service so just drop all this stupid legal sh*t! It is going to turn out to be like the by who cried wolf... When you actually need to use the justice system they'll be tire of you!!!
The person who discovered the photon better watch out!
Clever satire.
i don't think jobs would have let this happen if he were there....& the apple drama is absurd ...since the display might just for graphic purpose...& it has good displaying props..looks kindda stupid fuss over this amazing-long wait-experiments....let apple do wht they want....while whole world is stuck eye with experiment....
+Simon J R Holmes I am not getting anything. Is this Higgs Boson related to anything about experiment conducting in LHC by CERN? Can u explain it very simply?
Dri M.
I really dont know what to say right now
Soon apple will be suing sesame street for using "A for Apple"
Shared, shared, shared :)
Dri M.
LOL +Lee Bruner thats funny
Apple are a joke, when ever any other company has a great idea/invention they try to block it or claim they did it first, why dont they get a life for once other wise there no better than Microsoft
hey.. i am feeling a very well
Dri M.
i mean jorge sorry
Haha! Brilliant. Did that come from The Onion?
Does Apple have a patent over Dark Matter... I mean, just in case?
Why is everyone against Apple all of a sudden?
Hilarious.... send it to apple
Hey Apple I'm going to wipe my butt with White Cloud Tee-Pee.....You guys going to sue me for that?
The fact the the pic is of Steve Jobs holding an iPad with a particle that was unveiled 2 days ago should clue in the clueless. Otherwise, hilariously funny.
Juna G
The best part is people like +John Townsend and +Amanda Mills getting all worked up... Not sure if they understand Higgs Boson OR satire. :-P
+Zephyr López Cervilla I don't see Google trying to ban the import of a physical product into a country, do you? Google is not the internet. They still return search results that can lead to the purchase of firearms and ammunition online.
You must be the most stupid person in the whole world. Get a life man. Get your head out of google's ass. 
.... Jobs is/WAS an a..hole, however his legacy lives on... that jerk, aliened Gates, Allen, and Wozinick.. All pioneers of the PC in all it's forms... His rotten 'culture' keeps on going, though. Just watch the movie 'The Pirates of Silicon Valley'.... furthermore the Apple crapy 'policy' is to burn out their employees and go headhunting for new ones ... I have not nor ever will own a 'product' made (or assembled by) that awful company. 
Is this a joke because next apple is going to sue trees for unlicensed use of their logo
Haha! And here I thought it was hugs bison!
I think Apple is going to go too far.  It's one thing to scream and sue companies claiming they have patents on ideas and products that the other company came up with.  but going after a scientific non-for-profit???
It's gotta be a fake. Otherwise Apple is digging a hole for itself with all the trolling. You can't bend it forever, eventually they will loose any credibility over patents and will be denied in most fo the claims. I still think it's a fake. Any links to actual fillings and documents?
Otherwise... Cool story bro
Steve Jobs is the Higgs Boson.  He didn't die, he converted himself so he could progress the world of physics.
In other news, Apple has patented two new products:
The iPoop and iPee. People now charged $500 every time they infringe on their patents. Apple contends that a fart is just a zero-length iPoop, so they are seeking damages against "Terrance & Phillip", "South Park" and others.  (Edited to fix a Grammatical error.)
Isn't it funny that people take this post and others from the likes of +The Onion so seriously? +Simon J R Holmes you did a great job with the wording, I guess that's why it's so believable. #boycottapple forever trending?
I really did laugh out loud at this. Great stuff.
So, is this rotating patent like the one Google earth uses? N has used for years now
Steve jobe's create a great job , i like them.
Higgs gives particals mass.  Apple products have mass.  With their lawyers and the same judge this could probably happen.   #endsoftwarepatents  
This is hilarious yet they say many a true word said in jest! I'm hoping that the drive for innovation eventually trumps the litigation to stifle competition so that consumers become the winners....
An apple a day keeps ideas away.
I know bad pun. Hehehe.
Never been a fan of apple products, never will be. That's my choice.
This is just stupid apple is doomed without Steve Jobs and they know it so they are just trying to get rid of any and all of there competition by making ridiculous claims to stop the release of new products that rival theirs
Jon Blake
17th century: Newton "discovers" gravity.

Apple: "Bullshit! It was our apple that fell from that tree."

Court bans Newton's Laws of Motion. 
Stay strong little poor Apple. Don't let anybody to bully you around & lock away your Original Creative Ideas :D
Ok, so from samsung to google and from weather company to cern's higgs boson, is there anything left against which apple hasn't filed patent cases. Come on grow up apple!!!!
What so funny is people actually think this article is real. People believe anything post on the Internet.
Amith F
Nothing Sort of being a big BULLY. There is no question they have a large trove off patents and cash to litigate. They are creating barriers to entry for other companies and slowing innovation. SHAME #boycottapple
Unreal. Next thing you know they'll be the dictators of the world who claim the patent system for themselves (oh wait, they already have).
+Simon J R Holmes This just in: Apple to sue the United States Patent and Trademark office because they patented patents and trademarks before the US Patent and trademarks office was founded in the early 1800's. Also, after some further research from Apple's iSue team, Apple has decided to sue Venice for issuing the first known (So Venice says) patent law which granted inventors exclusive rights to their inventions was passed as a result of an economic policy. More on this later...
This was so realistic, it's like it was an onion article. Damn.
Amazing how many people think this is a real article!

Breaking news: Judge Lucy Koh has ruled injuction on the Higgs boson in the U.S.

CERN appealed but Judge Koh was even quicker to deny injuction stay, much to the disapproval of the whole world.

On unrelated news, the Swiss bank Credit Suisse is currently conducting a rare internal investigation concerning large money transfer from an unknown account to a person called Ju Dgeluc Ykoh.
This almost got me, I thought it was real for a minute.
+John Kirsopp: "I don't see Google trying to ban the import of a physical product into a country, do you? Google is not the internet. They still return search results that can lead to the purchase of firearms and ammunition online."
- Google is not the Internet, but it has a dominant position in information search services in Internet (probably favored directly or indirectly by the same kind of legislation that allows Apple to sue Google). 

Besides, the exclusion of certain kind of products from their search results is a judgmental and patronizing attitude toward their users (or if you prefer, the product that Google sells to other corporations). Finally, instead of letting the consumer demand direct the offer, they try to intervene in the market, discouraging the consumption of certain products by not giving means of others to promote their products. 

It is probably a legal policy. Likewise, Apple is legally entitled to sue others based on patent and trademark infringement, and RIAA based on copyright.
I don't support any of them and in my view the way to solve it is to repeal the legislation that allows them to abuse on their competitors and on consumers.
We need to write one up where Siri sues Apple for allowing users to ask her stupid questions.
Ohhh, boy. Here we go again! Apple, in my eyes, is under the control of some pretty pathetic individuals.
Apple also patented which way direction I wipe my bum (towards the front or towards the back).
Attention: This is satire
apple should stop picking fights with companies and focus on developing new products...
This comment is patented. Any +1 to it and you'll all be hearing from my legal team. Nuff Said!
Looks like apple has nothing better to do than suing. Please stop that and start being more creative, if they don't come out with a good phone I think they are done. I just to love their phones but no anymore plus it is getting ridiculous all this patent situation. 
Haha, I saw the subject and read the first paragraph thinking that this was a legitimate story. It's the most creative Higgs post I've seen since most posts consist of people who don't understand it trying act like they know what they are talking about.

"Steve Jobs found God in the 1970s." hahaha
Who knows, maybe Apple will sue a black hole next because they put a "Dent in the Universe" first. Bet that trial would make time stop. (Yup, two bad jokes in one post!)
Dri M.
I would like to know how many lawsuits apple has on the go, there will always be someone that comes along that is smarter, faster and more efficient.
Dri M.
My thought exactly, Joke? probably belongs in the "lol funny" I follow 
Normally I roll my eyes when people are so gullible or satire-impaired. But in this case what slim percentage of people have the slightest clue about what a Higgs boson is? Even if you can normally spot satire it's impossible to recognize it when you have no basis for understanding the subject, unlike the Onion joke about a government-sponsored $8 billion abortionplex in Kansas.

So, for those 99% who don't know nor care about particle physics, you get a pass this time. This is not a real lawsuit.
"God Particle" its a New Mile Stone Of Science
Why do you assume that most people haven't realized that this post is a joke? (actually, a more or less concealed scorn against Apple)
+Brian Cerveny I dunno about a pass. Its been pretty big news and all over g+.

It's hilarious that people are making anti-apple comments over this ficticious story. But it makes for good reading.
Shouldn't Apples patents just patent their products? 
Apple vs Microsoft...
They have the same goals...
So, they have the same legal reputations to uphold.
well i think sometimes that really haoppense
When is Apple coming out with the iLawyer.
Seriously. Apple really Burns me up. So, I just read the article and it only left me hating Apple more. I know that companies suing each other for alleged (real or contrived) patent infringement. But Apple, once a proud, innovative tech giant, has devolved into a giant whiny baby, upset that competition, specifically speaking, Google and Android, are putting out products that not only give Apple a run for it's money, but in many ways, makes better products than Apple.
I, myself am an Android fan.
I have another problem with Apple. It's the fact that you are forced to purchase a new iPhone whenever there is a new software development. With Google and Android,i get notifications whenever new updates are available.
And Androids Open Source platform allows for unlimited input of technical knowhow from a multitude of software developers.
There are former Apple software developers that develop software for Android. There are so many sites dedicated to Android and google products and a plethora of forums to learn all that you need to know to root your Android phone (jailbreak is the familiar term) , download and install roms, etc.
I find interacting with the iPhone boring after a bit next to Android which is superbly customizable. There! I could go on and on. I'll end with this. [ I ] find it ironic that the once brilliant, company that gained a cult-like following after the first Mac dropped, has to now concede that it they are pulling dirty tricks in an attempt to not be knocked into second place by a Linux based system.
Did things come full circle?
Is there anyone Apple won't sue? Careful everyone, you might be next
Really... I desperate hope its a joke.  Because it isn't funny and needs a rewrite - or Apple need a good swift kick in the ass for being giant dicks.  ITS SCIENCE!!! That thing responsible for the existence of your STUPID PRODUCTS!!!! SILENCE!!!
nob heads let's sue granny smith for selling apples next
Humorous and interesting to see excessive litigation is now part of Apple's reputation; and I fear legacy.
APPLE has been ban from USA due to patent infringement and abuse and being non competitive
+David Jackson (Contrived) patent infringement lmao! Considering the basis of the story and your rant about apple.......that is classic!
Apple sued orange for patent infringment last week.  Bananna kicked it's ass.
I'd love to see a photoshopped version of this with the iPad running windows 7.
+John Verne: "Patent law is there to protect the real engine of the universe: free-market capitalism."
- Patent law has nothing to do with free-market capitalism. As its own name points out, free market is free, whereas a patent is the grant of a monopoly for a limited period of time for the use, production and sale of a new device, a mechanism, or any other original design. There's nothing free in that. If it were free, there would be free competition freely producing the same device, mechanism or design. The patent law is reminiscent from the economic protectionism of the past, just check the etymology of "patent" and where the patent law comes from.
"Apple’s move to block the Higgs Boson in the United States" XD
jajajajaja very funny !!!!! 
It is funny to see how people will take obvious satire seriously. My fiance is an MBA student and had to do a group project. She was responsible for editing everybody's section of the paper and someone cited Cracked Magazine. We still are laughing about that.
Greg S
Hey, Cracked Magazine drops some serious science these days.  Not that I'd cite them as a primary source yet, but still.
That is freekin stupid ok its like yours so make something else that put it to shame and move forward in the future of technology is that so hard
I'm confused... I thought the Higgs Boson was a particle... How can u claim something that's been around for centuries...
Excellent news. Apple guys should get a life! I hate iProducts coz they are for losers....
Apple suing cern... looks cheap.... I think v must b grateful to cern
actually they use quite a lot of apple hardware there (especially ipads), at least at the ALICE detector
Fantastic post, I had a good laugh! Thanks!
miguel its a joke apple isnt really suing
jeis g
Apple are turning me off their products and 'spin' with their patent hunts.
Go Crapple...going from being a niche, cool tech company to surviving as a patent certainly changed the company didn't you?
You know what is sad... I wasn`t sure this was a joke until about10 lines in.
First good laugh of the day, thanks mate. These patent issues are getting as bad as the class action lawsuits were years ago.
If Apple continues down this path of litigation first, innovation second, I am prepared to abandon Apple, the apps I've purchased and the carriers who service their devices for new shores.
Nothing like a dead Steve Jobs to put those uppity CERN scientists in their place.  ;-)
I am really starting to dread apple. They want to sue everyone, I guess suing will increase the revenue that android has taken from them.But suing for this.... come on..
One rotten Apple can spoil the whole barrel
+Oztin Tayshus I wasn't planning a long run as a particle physics based satirist, but who knows??? Neutrino mixing angles vs likelihood of switching from Apple to Android to Windows Phone??
IF it's a real ploy by iApple, then it really does seem like the Apple doesn't fall far from the tree!

Remember when M$ began their own patent frenzy and litigation bomb? suing anyone and everyone who may or may not use a version of their crap OS unless you gave them 100$?

Now, that SJ is in his grave, it seems the Board is making a statement that their creator is dead so they have no ideas on how to generate revenue w/o litigation! ...or should I say iLitigation?
Very funny article
I enjoyed the read
Rofl. Pure bullshit. 
Just heard: They plan to rename it "The Jobs Particle"
Weight Watchers International is 'weighing in' with the view that Higgs Bosun sounds too much like 'BIG BOTTOMS' which Weight Watchers feels is their area of expertise. WW's research also takes place in Switzerland but involves Swiss Chocolates rather than Colliders.
Microsoft are clearly going to produce the Gaussian Surface next (once they can wrap their heads around it).
"And anyway, Steve Jobs found God in the 1970's."
I've figured out how the apocalypse will happen! Apple will take over the world, sue us all- in doing so, taking all our money, then we'll all die. yay! NOT. :(
The fact that so many people believe that this is real goes to show you how far Apple has gone with their ridiculous patent claims.
XDXDXD, I thought this was real for a second, I was like "Apple, this is the last straw!!!!" 
The sweet cutting edge of spot on humour. Very clever.
And very funny.
Not just the glasses. Also 7 inches tablets ...TWF
Source please? You're the only result in Google for that news. Seems totally fake!
+Simon J R Holmes It's a developing event, isn't it? Do you expect CERN to countersue to defend its Higgs boson product offering? Are you gonna follow up with a youtube report? A stand up skit, I suggest. Anyway, keep up the great work. It's the best science and litigation news report I've read in a few lifetimes.

- Affectionately sent from a black incased in clear soft silicone iPhone4

+Tuan Nguyen I was thinking a follow up along the lines of "Judge Rules Apple discovered gravity, not Newton"
I was told by an Apple Store clerk, when I asked about Apple products not being able to view Flash, that Apple thought "Flash" was too proprietary...
+Glenn Carr That's a trademarked answer. You shall be sued for repeating it in public without permission.
F steve go non monapoloy android go talk to bell and let me know how that works dick
Any source on this information? Seems pretty unbelievable.
How can they  patent something that wasn't physically discovered until now. I'm gonna patent Dark Matter, and then sue apple for living in my Dark Matter!!
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