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Have you got a worse joke than this? Share your worst jokes and we'll pick out our favourites next week...
Yesterday I bought a dog from the ironmonger...
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285 comments
 
I wondered why the ball was getting bigger
Then it hit me
 
A cannibal just threw up his hands.
 
Guy walks into his doctors office wearing nothing but a pair of plastic wrap underwear... Doctor says "I can clearly see you're nuts."
 
Two pretzels walk into a bar. One was a salted.
 
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly, but I'm no Dean Martin". 
John Hattan
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A blind man walks into a department store with his seeing-eye dog. When the man gets to the middle of the store, he hoists the dog up and starts swinging the dog in a circle by his leash. The shoppers, aghast, say "what are you doing?". The man says "Oh just looking around".
 
a man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide, the librarian says "no way, you won't bring it back"
 
The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense
 
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?.. The branch broke.
 
+David Williams I cannot believe I am laughing either.  They are pretty funny.  One of my favorites is the one +Max Roberg posted.  "The past, present, and future walked into a bar.  It was tense." SMH
 
Are you bringing that piece of string?

No, 'fraid knot.
 
So...it's a joke about an automated drill....ahh never mind, it's boring!
 
Have you heard about the Magic Tractor? It turned into a field....
 
"Why did the little girl fall off the swing?.. She had no arms" - Ricky Gervais
 
I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.
 
Whats the difference between a Nail and a Unlucky Boxer? One gets knocked in and the other gets knocked out.  
 
Seriously, how do you train a Kamikaze pilot?
 
Not fair!  My worst jokes are not fit for print!
Sample punchline:  Jesus says "James, I can see your house from here!"
 
Where does the General keep his Armies? In his sleevies. 
Nick H
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What do u call a sheep with no legs ?  A Cloud
OMG that is so bad help me please.
 
This one time a ways back, an Irishman walk out of a Bar....
 
What did the policeman say to his stomach???
" You're under a vest! "
 
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
 
Intercom: "Will the lady who left her pram in the lobby please remove it. It is leaking".
Joe M.
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?  No ideer
Joe M.
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What do you call a guy with no arms and legs floating in the ocean?  Bob.
 
Suicide bomb instructor says "Pay attention, I'm only going to show you this once."
 
For real: On the t-shirt of a SA Bomb technician:

"BOMB TECHNICIAN - If you see me running, try and keep up.
 
A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays''
 
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
 
I got one about a monk and an incredible surprise. It takes about half an hour to tell.
 
-"What's your new resolution this year?"
-"1920 by 1080!"
ha  ha  ha
 
2 tomatoes are walking down the street and one was falling behind. The one at the front turned around and said "hey you ketchup"
genesee
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Mine are also not fit for wide consumption... example punchline:
"Death by ooga booga!"
 
I've got a photographic memory.

It's out of focus and underexposed
 
How do porcupines make love?

Veeeery carefully.
 
So the Past, the Present and the Future... all walk into a bar. 

....

It was Tense!
 
Man walks into a bar...................................It hurt
 
She was only a 'poteen' makers' daughter but he loved her still... 
 
This is bad. What did the homeless guy say when the cannibal tried to eat his face? "Oh noes!"
 
I woke up last night to find Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed..... At first I was afraid... Then I was petrified!!
 
how do you keep a fool in suspense?

I will tell you tomorrow.
 
What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?  A dictator.
 
How do you make a bear cross?
You nail two bears together.
 
A joke:  I can't get Virgin media down to a few feet of cable being laid.
 
Why don't they let blind people bungee jump??

-It scares their dog!
 
My girlfriend told me she was dumping me because of my obsession with The Monkees. I assumed she was joking.

And then I saw her face.
 
Whats green and brown, got 6 legs, and if it falls out of a tree could kill you?
A snooker table!
Mike G
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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say Banana!
 
I had an appointment to sign the sales agreement for my home and the buyer told me a week before it did not get a loan?! Have a nice weekend
 
A skeleton walks into a doctor's office. The doctor: "you come NOW??"
 
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk!
 
What's a metaphor?
-mostly sheep and goats
 
A man made out of holes walks on the sidewalk. A hole drops off him. He bends over to pick it but slips and falls into it.
 
Dr Dr, i've only 59 seconds to live!
Just wait over there a minute!
 
So I went to class the other day and brought a box with me, one of my class mates asked "what's the box for? I told them that today I was gonna think out side the box
 
What dya call a fly without wings?
-a walk  ahahahhahahhhaa
 
A man walks into a bar ... it hurt.
 
A termite walks into a bar and says "is the bar tender here?"
 
Pulled 2 Thai birds last night, they told me this would be like winning the lottery-they were right-when we all got undressed I found 6 balls
 
It's REALLY bad:

"What do you call an Octopus whom practices medicine?  A Doctopus."
 
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer
 
A man walks into a bar and sees a Motorway and an A-Road being terrorised by a piece of pink asphalt.

"What up with you guys?  You're both major inter urban highways: six lanes wide with a hard shoulder. Why are you afraid of than poncy little pink thing?"

"Mate, he's a freaking cycle-path!"
Fred Koch
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I told a girl she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked pretty surprised.
 
two guys walk into a bar....one ducks
 
Why was 6 afraid of 7… because 7 8 9
 
Wanna hear a construction joke? 
Nevermind, I'm still working on it. 
 
what do you call an eight legged sea creature with advanced bone disease.....> an osteoperosipus
 
If you have a "bad time" on a memory foam mattress...will it remember it? :D
 
What happened when the cannibal came late to the cannibal party? 
They gave him "the cold shoulder"
 
Just bought a new puppy... we call him "Liberace", because he's the pianist!
 
whats big and grey and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
"a multi story car park"
 
Hey Christy, want to parasail with me?  Check out the dress code!
 
What's black, white and red and has trouble getting through a revolving door?

A nun... with a spear through her head. 
 
What do you call a dog with no legs?  Nothing... he's not going to come anyway.
 
What's the difference between a Hi-Ho and a lesbian?  A Hi-Ho is a snack cracker...
Hai Vu
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Cannibals don't like clowns bacause they taste funny.
 
what do you do if you come across a lion in the jungle?
wipe its face and say you're sorry
Hai Vu
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He who stands on toilet is high on pot
 
What do you call an exploding monkey? A baboom!
Hai Vu
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What's a hundred foot long and has no pubic hair? The front row at a Justin Bieber concert, what did you think?
 
Doctor:  I'm afraid you have a fatal condition.
Patient:  How long do I have, Doc?
Doctor: I'd say about 10.
Patient: Months?
Doctor: Nine... eight... seven...
Hai Vu
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A bad joke from me is like premature ejaculation, you know it's comming but you can't stop it.
 
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?....DAMN!
 
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
 
you don't want me telling jokes... my friends call me "The Joke Killer"
 
A concerned wife calls her husband "be careful driving on the highway today. there is a mad man driving on the wrong side of the highway", husband says "what do u mean by one mad man!!!! Everyone is driving on the wrong side of the highway"
 
Whats beethovens favorite fruit? BA NA NA NAAAAAA!
 
Drunk drivers speed through stop signs. Stoned drivers wait for them to turn green.
 
TIM O'Ryan- very funny! It took me a minute to get it.
 
Why is Ireland the richest country?
Because it's capital is always Dublin!
 
Why'd the squirrel fall out of the tree? Because it was dead....

hey man you sad WORST joke
 
Bad news about the incident at the chip shop... A fish got battered 
 
What did Batman say to Robin before he got in the car? 
"Robin, get in the car!" 

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? 
"Where's my tractor?!" 
 
A man walks into a psychiatrist office yelling.."I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam!!!"

The shrink replies, "Take it easy buddy, your two tents."
 
A neuron walks into a bar and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender says "for you, no charge." (via Sheldon Cooper- Big Bang Theory)
 
What's green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels
 
What's the difference between deer nuts & beer nuts?  One's over a buck & one's under a buck...
 
There were two cannibals, eating a clown.
One cannibal says to the other cannibal "Does this taste funny to you?"
 
What does Bruce Lee Drink?

 (insert brisk arm movement to Bruce Lee Karate stance - speak in high pitch Bruce Lee voice) Watahh
 
What do you get when you cross a rhino and an elephant?

It's not rh-elephant!  Eleph-i-no!
 
Chuck Norris has a gmail account: gmail@chucknorris.com
 
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.
 
A horse walks into a bar.
The barman asks, "Why the long face?"
Mike Hart
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Two Atoms were walking down the street.  One turns to the other and says, "I think I dropped an electron."  The other says, "Are you sure?"

"I'm positive."
Damon Law
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What's red and smells like blue paint?







Red paint.

—My 11 year old daughter.
 
A spider walked into a high security bar and left immediately. It was in a no fly zone.
John Wilton
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A guy walks into a pub and sees two ladies sitting at the bar. He asks "Are you ladies from Scotland?" One turns around and snarls "Wales, you idiot." He says "Oh. I'm sorry. Are you whales from Scotland?"
 
what's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

anyone can roast beef.
 
Why did the girl fall off her bike?
Because her mum threw a fridge at her.
 
Why does an Eskimo wash his clothes in Tide? Cuz its too told out tide
Jim Dee
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A man walks into a bar ,he said ouch,it was a iron bar.
 
How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but it's really got to want to change.

(Sorry, couldn't resist.)
 
According to Freud, what comes between fear and sex? 
Fünf.
Mike G
 
Pete and Repete were sitting in a boat.  Pete fell out, who was left?
Hai Vu
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How many Holywood stars does it take to change the light bulb? Just one, she simply holds the bulb and wait for the world to revolve around her.
 
(knock knock) "Who's there?", "Ima", "Ima who?" "IMA GONNA GET YOU!" 
 
Two campers run into a bear in the woods. The first camper yells, "Run!" The other camper says, "We can't outrun a bear." The first camper says, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I just have to outrun you!!"
 
Jesus walks into an inn and puts three nails on the counter and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"
 
Where does a horse go when it is sick? A horsespital.
 
If you mated a bulldog and shitzu would it be called bullshit?
 
how many roaches does it take to screw in a light bulb?
nobody knows, the lights come on and they all run away
 
What do you get when you cross a hippo, an elephant, and a rhino? Hell if I know...
 
What is the difference in falling from one story and 10 story building ?
10 Story : aaaahhhhhh thump !!
1 Story : Thump .. aaaaaahhhh !!!
 
1984 America to 2012 America: WTF happened here? You're best rapper is white and your president is black!
 
Went hunting for fog, mist. 
 
Two guys are in the stands watching a football game when a dog walks onto the field, lays down, and starts licking himself. One guy nudges the other and points at the dog saying, "man I wish I could do that." The other guy looks up and says, "Earl, that dog would BITE YOU!"
 
What did the boy with no arms or legs get for Christmas?
A brain tumor.
 
A Glaswegian asked "What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?"
"Bing sings, and Walt disnae"
[stolen from HIGNFY]
 
Have you heard the one about the constipated Mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil (sorry!)
 
A man walks into a bar and went ouch!!

It was an iron bar
 
What do you call a Judge with no thumbs. Justice Fingers.
 
Chuck Norris has a website, is called the internet.
 
Dr. Steven Hawking questioned Chuck's defiance of gravity.............now look at him.
 
Chuck Norris puts the 'fun' in 'funeral.
 
A man walks into a bar and sits down.  A few moments later, another man walks into the same bar.

The first man looks to the second man and says, "You didn't see it either?"
 
What's sicker than a truckload of dead babies?.....a live one on the bottom crawling out.
 
Why did the chicken cross the road?  To show the opossum it could be done.
 
Ok, two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
 
What did the snail say while riding on the turtle's back? "Wheeeee!"
 
What do you call Mexican cheese that isn't yours?

NACHO CHEESE!

("Not your cheese")

:o)
 
Ok, two fish are in a tank, one turns and says....do you know how to drive this thing?
 
2 Cows in a field, one says "Moooow"......

The other says "You b@$tard, I was gonna say that!"
 
my dad thinks i am so bright he calls me son
 
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because.... 7, 8, 9!
 
A war horse walks into a bar. The barman say "why the long film?"
 
Why did the deaf, dumb and blind guide dog kill its self?

Wouldn't you if your name was "Meerna naa maa baa naa"?!

(I know I'm going to hell for that one) 
 
A man goes to  his psychiatrist's office and proceeds to tell him,
" Doc,  I had a dream that I was a dog."  
The shrink replies,  " Get Off My Couch!"
 
Why did the chicken cross the road? .....To get to your house.

Knock knock
Who's there?
The chicken.
 
How do you know when there's an elephant in your fridge.... There's footprints in the butter.
 
Statistically, sperm is the main cause of unwanted pregnancies ~o
 
My wife left me because she said I'm "unnecessarily mysterious "

.........or did she?!........
 
Life is like a box of chocolates.......it doesn't last long for fat people :o)
 
What if there were no hypothetical questions? :o)
 
Why would you prioritize purchasing a dog over replacing a missing bolt in your door? I'm just saying, I prefer logically sound humor.
 
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve food here".
 
A flashlight is a carry case for dead batteries!
 
"Honey, don't panic, but I'm in hospital."

"oh my god, what's happened?"

"Apparently the Dyson Ball Cleaner wasn't what I thought it was!"
 
The US Government. That's it, that's the punchline.
 
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb?

To get to the other side!
 
What's red and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket!
 
Two cows are standing in a field. One cow says "Hey, are you worried about that mad cow disease?". The other cow says "Why should I be worried? I'm a helicopter!"
 
A woman walks into a pub and asks the barman for a "double entendre"...... So he gave her one! :o)
 
What do you get if you run over Batman & Robin with a steam roller?!.....

Flatman & Ribbon! :o)
Translate
 
What is the difference between a truckload of ping pong balls and a truckload of babies?

You can't unload the ping pong balls with a pitchfork...
 
Two vectors meet and one says to the other: "do you have a moment?"
 
What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
 
This is one for Richard.  What's a pizza that flies?  A plane pizza.
 
She was only a whiskey-maker,but he loved her still.
 
Ok here goes... Knock Knock
Who their?"
"What do you get when you wear Dots and wear them on your pants?

A Polka Dance....
 
What's black & blue and doesn't like sex??? A rape victim...
 
Man goes into supermarket and steals a tub of Saxa and a packet of Duracell.


He got arrested and charged for salt and batteries.
 
Why did the cow divorce the bull?
He would hump anything that moos
 
I got nothing.
-now that's a joke worst than all. lol
 
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar.  Non of them could read the warning sign written in Welsh.
So aps
 
that is cool
 
Last night I had a dream about a muffler.

I woke up exhausted.
 
I would tell you a pizza joke... but its too cheesy...
 
That awkward moment when you punch up the f*** line... 
 
What's grey, sits at the end of a bed and takes the piss? A kidney dialysis machine
 
"Two "iphones walk into a bar.. I forget the rest"
 
Two bytes in a bar, one of them is very sad. The other one asks:
"what's wrong with you?"
"I have a parity error", replies the sad one
"yeah I thought you looked a bit off".
 
Did you hear about the robbery in Miami two clothes pin healed up a sheet
 
There was a disturbance at a bakery. Some stale donuts got fresh.
 
This wizard was driving down the road and turned into a driveway.
 
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?....dam
 
I think the fish said u , u r so good in swimming. Right , jose garcia.
 
What's white and if it fell out of a tree it could kill you!???............ A fridge!
 
How do you make a handkerchief dance? Put a little boogie in it.
 
She said her name was Sara.
I said is that with an H?
No, she said. It is with an S.
 
What is the four-letter word ending in "K" and means the same as "intercourse"?
 
Your life's work.
 
No as long as it's consenting adults and they are fully aware of what they are doing why should anyone care.

 
What do you call a deer with no eyes ?
No idea.
What do you call a stunned deer with no eyes ?
Still no idea.
 
What's black and white and "red" all over ? 
A newspaper.
 
The dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac lays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
 
What's yellow and dangerous - shark infested custard
 
Yes, A rubber band pistol was confiscated last week, because Mr. Blair thought it would cause math disruption
 
what do you get if you cross a sheep and a kangaroo.......a woolly jumper!!
 
All good things in life are either illegal, immoral or fattening 
Translate
 
Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.
 
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
Hai Vu
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Do the locals pronounce it Hawaii or Havaii?
Why Havaii of course.
Oh, thank you.
You are velcome.
 
I had my first threesome last night!... There were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time :o)
 
My wife's star sign was cancer and it's quite ironic how she died really...She was attacked by a giant crab.
 
I walked up to a fat woman the other day and said

"Excuse me, do you have a pen?"

"Ow yes I do!" she said blushing

"Well you better get back in it before the farmer notices!" 
 
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
 
10 years, trillions of dollars, thousands of soldiers dead, state of the art technology, but the US finally found Bin Laden.

In his house.
 
Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a crack-house for vitamins.
 
Who let the dogs out? Who who who..
 
Q: How many men does it take to make popcorn?
A: Four, one to hold the pot, and three to act macho and shake the stove.
 
so a rope walks into a bar
the bartender says, "we dont serve ropes here! leave!"
so bout 20 mins later in walks the rope
the bartender says to him, "aint ya the same rope I just kicked out?"
rope shrugs and says, "im a frayed knot"
 
A man with a monkey walks into a bar.  The monkey jumps up on the pool table and swallows the cue ball whole.  The bartender looks to the man and asks "WTF was that?"  To which the man replied, you never know what a monkey is going to do.

Two months later, the same man returns to the bar with his monkey.  This time the monkey grabs a beer nut, studies it, shoves it up it's butt, twists it around, pulls it out and proceeds to eat it.

The bartender asks why on Earth did he do that.  The man replied, "well, ever since the cue ball incident, he likes to check his food for size".

Cheers,
Steven Cagle
CagleRacing.com
 
I married way too young-lovely chinese girl
 
Two muffins are in the oven.
One muffin says to the other "Is it getting hot in here?"
The second says "Oh my God! A talking muffin!!"
 
I know a great Eskimo joke....    This baby seal walks into a club...! 
 
A bear and a rabbit take a shit in the wood . The bear says to the rabbit , do you have problem with shit sticking to your fur ?
-Um No.
So the bear wipes it ass with the rabbit
Eddy Murphy 80's - stand up comedy
 
I've got a great joke about UDP packets but I'm never sure if people get it. (sorry that's one for the geeks)
 
How do you know you have elephants in your house? Giant holes in the skirting boards. 
 
How do you know you have an elephant in your fridge? Footprints in the butter. 
 
So the Colonel goes up to the Sargeant Major and says " Look, Private Smiths mother just passed away and you need to break it to him. Just, PLEASE, try and be subtle OK?"

So the the Sargeant Major falls in the platoon and yells "RIGHT, all of those who have mothers run to that tree and back."

"WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING SMITH!"
 
A black guy, a Mexican guy, and an Asian guy got into the car. Who's driving? The police
 
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.


 
There are 10 types of people.  Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
 
Papa was a rolling stone, my son.
Wherever he laid his hat was his home.
(And when he died) All he left us was  A LOAN.
 
A girl of 10 with rising breasts asked her mother what she was carrying on the chest and the mother replied those are two small balls and they will grow as you grow older and the girl said "then the players will always hit them, mom I hate to carry them on my chest"
 
Some nazi idiot always drank coke because he didn't like juice
 
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair??? Virgin mobile!!!!! 
 
An old man was overheard telling his friends that his wife bought him an SUV for his birthday. They were all suitably impressed until he explained she bought him Socks, Underwear,Viagra!!!
 
Apple and Banana fights....
Banana to Apple : People eats you using knife by cutting your body parts...
Apple : People makes you naked and then eats !!!
 
I ate two cans of alphabet soup earlier today, now I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
 
two submarine are flying as they see a couple fried egg´s playing cards on top of a tree .... the eggs cry out " hey ... come play cards wit us " ....the subs replya " we can´t .....we´re on our way to have a haircut " :P
 
What's Tom the Elephant's middle name?
The.....
 
why are pirates called pirates because they are
 
What do you call a dog with no hind legs and stainless steel testicles? 

Sparky!
 
Medical advisers have released a new drug to aid the serious problem of the growing number of depressed lesbians.

It's called Trydixagain!!
 
I used to have a girlfriend Virginia, Virgin for short, but not for long.
 
it dnt even make sence never mind be funny, can any one explain it to me pls 
 
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his zipper.  The bartender asks the pirate if he knows about the steering wheel on his zipper.

The pirate said "arrg, why yes and it's been driving me nuts."
 
Richard I believe you only know our Kenyan 'AIRSPACE'.
Many of our roads are narrow and potholed. A driver sees a rabbit’s ears sticking out of a pothole, but on coming closer, realizes it’s actually a giraffe. This is how our Kenyan roads are,,,,
 
I don't get that joke about the dog and the ironmonger...
 
+Karen Jemmett  The full joke "Yesterday I bought a dog from the ironmonger. As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door!"  You need to click the blue text to see the whole joke.  Just in case that wasn't it, an ironmonger makes things from iron, so the ironmonger's dog knows how to make bolts.  Hope this helps.
 
Have you heard the one about the blonde coyote?  Chewed off three of her paws and was still caught in the trap!
 
Did you know I am only friends with 25 letters of the alphabet...I dont know why though?
 
What do you call a deer with no eyes?......i have no idear...#rimshot
 
Deleted Scene from Alien

"I Can't open the milk" 

"In Space, no one can! Here use cream!"
 
A lion wouldn't cheat on his wife...
A Tiger Wood

A lion wouldn't mate A Cougar
A Tiger Wood
 
y did the chicken cross the road! i beat that joke!!!!!!hillbilly hell!
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