1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.
2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.
3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.
4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.
5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini holiday.
7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.
8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!
9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
10. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
11. When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please, I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".
12. At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
It's slowly working, but it's a step by step process.
Paddy says to Mick, "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow."
Mick says, "I had that done when I was a few days old."
Paddy asks, "Does it Hurt?"
Mick says, " Well I couldn't walk for 18months.."
"There was another big announcement from Apple today-
The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy!
I didn't know why she was jumping for joy. I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
She said, “Sally, I have some really great news!" I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."
She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!
I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"
Then she said, "There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have twins
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said...
“That was the easy part. I went to ALDI and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!”
"The U.S. Surgeon General released a statement this week that said more Americans should start going on walks. Then to everyone's surprise, he added, 'Even if you're just going out to have a smoke. Just stand up for once.'"
"A skydiver uploaded a video of himself yesterday jumping out of a plane and solving a Rubik's cube during free fall. And to prove that he actually solved it, the funeral was open casket."
I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II, and a test question was, "What was the largest amphibious assault of all time?"
Expecting to see "the D-Day invasion" as the answer, I found instead on one paper, "Moses and the plague of frogs."
"This morning I felt that today was going to be my lucky day. I got up at seven, had seven dollars in my pocket, there were seven of us at lunch and there were seven horses in the seven o'clock race, so I backed the seventh."
"Did he win?"
"No, he came in seventh."
The 7 dwarfs moved to WA to go to work in the mines. Snow White stays home to do the housework and cook lunch. One day, when she arrives at the mines to deliver the lunches, she finds there's been a cave-in, and there's no sign of the dwarfs.
Tearfully she calls “Hello is anyone there?” … ”Hello, can anyone hear me?” Suddenly a voice floats up from the depths of the mine, "Australia will win the Rugby World Cup." "Oh thank goodness" she shrieked "Dopey is still with us!”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
"A new study shows that drivers high on marijuana are less dangerous than drunk drivers. The study shows the biggest issue is marijuana users waiting for the stop sign to turn green."
I have my changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.
If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food." My frustration is now reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting.
The baby pigeon said, "I can't make it; I'll get too tired."
His mother said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine."
The baby started to cry.
"What's wrong?" said the mother.
"I don't want to be pigeon towed!"
Q: What time do ducks wake up in the morning?
A: At the quack of dawn.
Q: What doesn't a ghost need in his house?
A: A living room!
Q: What is the surest way to double your money?
A: Fold it!
Q: What rock group has four men who don't sing?
A: Mount Rushmore.
Q: Why didn't the oyster share the profits from his pearl?
A: He was shellfish.
Q: Did you hear about the shoe factory that burnt down?
A: Two hundred soles were lost.
- selfsinger/songwriter, present
- selfpoet, present
- selfartist, present
- school of lifeanything and everything, presentSurvived molestation, rape, attempted murder, hunger, head injury (jumping out of a fast car), relearning how to be myself, managing to create music, art and do writing (short stories and poetry and lyrics). I can't sing properly, and my music skills are rusty, but I manage. I've written the book about my earlier life.
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