If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE.........
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you
"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian."
First thing - every single morning - one of the secretaries in our office opened the newspaper and read everyone's horoscope aloud.
"Gwen," said our boss finally, "you seem to be a normal, level-headed person. Do you really believe in astrology?"
"Of course not," Gwen answered. "You know how skeptical we Capricorns are."
"Normally you'd get on the plane able to relax. Except you don't because when you have two children under the age of 5. You try to find ways to calm your kids down, but apparently, according to British Airways, those cute little kid-sized bottles of alcohol aren't actually for kids."
Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?"
Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."
A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"
A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.
"That's not my dog."
My brother Scott brought over a photo album of his camping trip. One picture showed a brown bear helping itself to his food. "What kind of bear is that?" I asked.
"It's called a Kodiak," Scott replied.
"Oh, yeah?" my husband Keith shot back. "And I suppose those white ones in the Arctic are called Polaroids."
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your Swan's season ticket.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and even the 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and he even pays my Credit Card bill!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.’
"The NYPD is apparently teaching its officers how to be more polite. It's true last time I got frisked, the cop was like, 'Have you lost weight?'"
Teeing off on the 12th hole at a golf resort, we stopped to buy cold drinks from the young woman driving the beverage cart. As my buddy reached for his wallet, he said to her, "You're in great shape. You must work out a lot."
Flattered, she gave him a big smile and gushed, "Oh, thank you so much!"
The next day a different young woman was driving the cart. "Watch this," I whispered. I walked up to her and said, "Wow, you must work out a lot."
"Yeah," she replied flatly. "You should try it."
Q: What are the small rivers that run into the Nile?
A: The juve-niles!
Q: Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
A: Because talk is cheep!
Q: Why was the blonde staring so hard at the orange juice carton?
A: Because it said "concentrate"!
Q: What does a houseboat become when it grows up?
A: A township.
Q: What do you call a cow spying on another cow?
A: A steak out.
Q: What does a cow say when she has a cold?
- selfsinger/songwriter, present
- selfpoet, present
- selfartist, present
- school of lifeanything and everything, presentSurvived molestation, rape, attempted murder, hunger, head injury (jumping out of a fast car), relearning how to be myself, managing to create music, art and do writing (short stories and poetry and lyrics). I can't sing properly, and my music skills are rusty, but I manage. I've written the book about my earlier life.
Raine Carosin | Press Release: SPIRIT OF LIFE - It's YOUR round!
SPIRIT OF LIFE - It's YOUR round!
Raine Carosin | Press Release: WAKING UP THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE
WAKING UP THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE
Rafael Cruz | Press Release: Listing the POSITIVES and NEGATIVES next to...
Listing the POSITIVES and NEGATIVES next to each other sharpens their meanings. Edit the life story you are writing.
GIRL'S PHOTO AND CELL PHONE POCKET BAG WITH APPLIQUE
This is the second of two bags I sent to my mother in Carolina. This one has more features, including a photo pocket, cell phone pocket, and
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Raine Carosin | Press Release: WHEN THE LIGHTS GO DOWN ON MY STREET
WHEN THE LIGHTS GO DOWN ON MY STREET
Raine Carosin | Press Release: WATCHING THE WHEELS TURN
WATCHING THE WHEELS TURN
azee nee | Press Release: What are main functions of the Chinese white tea?
What are main functions of the Chinese white tea?
Raine Carosin | Press Release: I DON'T MAKE BIG MONEY at all...
I DON'T MAKE BIG MONEY at all...
Raine Carosin | Press Release: BUSINESS VENTURE OF A LIFETIME!!!!
BUSINESS VENTURE OF A LIFETIME!!!!
Raine Carosin | Press Release: CAMPAIGNING - URUGUAY OR BROKE!
CAMPAIGNING - URUGUAY OR BROKE!
Amin Messayeh | Press Release: 30 Seconds Of Women Over-Apologizing, Fol...
30 Seconds Of Women Over-Apologizing, Followed By 30 Seconds Of Them *So* Destroying That Stereotype