I felt and looked a little moggie
After hours of slogging
I ceased my sobbing
When I opened up reverb
Check it out!
I'm soaring like a bird!
that a man was allowed to beat his wife with
a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule of thumb.'
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game
was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen
Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. .and thus, the
word GOLF entered into the English language.
The first couple to
be shown in bed together on prime
time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Everyday more money
is printed for Monopoly than
for the U.S. Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can;
women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The State with the
highest percentage of people
who walk to work: Alaska
The percentage of
Africa that is wilderness: 28%
The percentage of North
America that is wilderness: 38%
The cost of raising
a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400
The average number
of people airborne over the U.S. in
any given hour: 61,000
have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The first novel ever
written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.
The San Francisco
cable cars are the only mobile
Each King in a deck
of playing cards represents a
great King from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,
If a statue in the park of
a person on a horse has both front legs in the air,
the person died in battle. If the horse has
one front leg in the air, the person died
because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes
Only two people signed the
Declaration of Independence on July 4: John Hancock and Charles Thomson.
Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles
A. Their birthplace
Q. What do most boat owners name
their boats. What is the most popular boat name
If you were to spell out numbers, how far
would you have to go until you would find the
A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
Q. What is the only
food that doesn't spoil?
Q. Which day are
there more collect calls than any other
day of the year?
A. Father's Day
In Shakespeare's time,
mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on.
Hence, the phrase...'Goodnight; sleep tight.'
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for
a month after the wedding, the bride's father
would supply his son-in-law with all the mead
he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because
their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the
honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would
yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'
It's where we get
the phrase 'Mind your P's and Q's'
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a
whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of
their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill,
they used the whistle to get some service.
'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.
At least 75% of people who read this will try
to lick their elbow!
Don't delete this just
because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee
cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig
to rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the
first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This
is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
KNOW YOU ARE
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years..
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list
NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!
Go lick your elbow and
Have a Nice Day.
All the best
"Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there. I saw a lot of people were posting old photos of themselves as a kid with their moms. Because what better gift to give your mother than a photo of how she used to look before you completely wore her down."
When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But her 4-year-old son overheard some of her parents' private conversations. One day when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"
Worried about getting the death penalty, a capo on trial for first degree murder had one of his mobsters offer a young blond woman on the jury $100 grand to hold out for manslaughter. Needing the money, she accepted the bribe.
Shortly after, the jury found him guilty of manslaughter and sentenced him to 25 years in prison.
Once he'd settled into the prison routine, he called the juror to thank her. "Thanks so much for saving my life," he said. "I know that holding out for manslaughter must have been difficult."
"You're very welcome," she said, "And you're right, it certainly wasn't easy! Everyone else wanted to acquit you."
An admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command.
While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.
He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.
The Chief replied, "I’d be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.
Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"
The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that’s the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."
Bob, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.
“What happened to you?” asked his wife.
“I had a terrible day” replied Bob.
“I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. “
When I got there, the manager said they couldn’t get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection”.
“Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy laying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to bend it in half”.
“I see”, said his wife, “that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?”
Bob replied, ” …Wrong room …”
The Bureau of prisons just announced the release of a serial bank robber who had looted over 30 banks before his capture. The parole board says he is completely rehabilitated and has found employment at his home in Prague. Yes, that is correct. They were able to right a bad czech.
"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?"
"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex.
If I was on time, I was compulsive."
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
The doctor started a long and thorough examination, but finally found nothing wrong with the man.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "Nothing. You're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife".
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously and lived to the age of 110. He left 4 children, 20 grand-children, 30 great-grandchildren, 10 great-great-grand-children and a fifty-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother. "I think it's a wonderful gesture."
"We hadn't started eating yet."
Q: What happened when a dog sneaked into the flea circus?
A: He stole the whole show.
Q: Why do mermaids wear seashells?
A: Because B-shells are too small and D-shells are too big.
Q: Why was the belt arrested?
A: Because it held up some pants!
Q: Which hand is it better to write with?
A: Neither, it's best to write with a pen!
Q: Why do you go to bed every night?
A: Because the bed won't come to you!
Q: What's the difference between a TV and a newspaper?
A: Ever tried swatting a fly with a TV?
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.
- selfsinger/songwriter, present
- selfpoet, present
- selfartist, present
- school of lifeanything and everything, presentSurvived molestation, rape, attempted murder, hunger, head injury (jumping out of a fast car), relearning how to be myself, managing to create music, art and do writing (short stories and poetry and lyrics). I can't sing properly, and my music skills are rusty, but I manage. I've written the book about my earlier life.
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