Olivia On Crocs from my daughter's school newspaper article:
When Crocs made their debut in 2002, they sparked fierce backlash from fashion-lovers and Internet trolls alike, yet more than 300 million pairs of rubber clogs have been sold in over 90 countries according to HuffingtonPost. Disapproval of Crocs has decreased significantly since the downfall of Memebase and the anticipated undoing of Facebook by post-happy dads; by my projections, complete acceptance of Crocs as footwear instead of scrap rubber will arrive by 2022. I call upon you, America, to denormalize hot people wearing Crocs. For a comprehensive list of those who can still enjoy the tendonitis-inducing shoes, please see below.
Toddlers on the beach: It’s baby’s first seaside outing! If your kid is under the age of three, Crocs are an acceptable choice of footwear. They’re easy to put on, the Jibbitz were made to capture the attention of small children, and a toddler doesn’t really need good arch support. And if you lose these in the waves, no one will care (except environmental advocates, but the Great Pacific garbage patch is probably exaggerated).
An old woman gardening: Look, we’re just happy Grandma Doris can still find things to live for after Grandpa Fred kicked it. I guess for her that’s over-watering a couple of herbs and tulips. The laces of conventional sneakers aren’t an option anymore with her arthritis, and velcro is too flashy; sandals won’t work either because she’d have to put on sheer pantyhose to ineffectively hide her varicose veins, so she’s landed on Crocs.
Dog owners: Never has a shoe been so deserving to be pressed in dog poop. Don’t even look where you’re stepping. Get those Crocs nice and dirty as you walk around your backyard or pull your dog off of another at the dog park. In a study put out by scientists, 93 percent of people cannot tell the difference between a brand new pair of Crocs and ones covered in dog poop. Oh, no! Does your actual foot have poop on it? You deserve it for buying shoes with holes in them.
People who no longer desire the touch of a woman: Maybe you were dating someone at one point and things fizzled or maybe you’re “waiting for marriage” (or for the attention of that girl Jennifer in your Spanish class, whichever comes first), but let’s be honest: the ineffable curiosity that once made you excited to bag babes peters out eventually. So go ahead, get on Zappos, and symbolically remove yourself from the dating pool. It’s not like anyone wanted you there anyway.
Mario Batali: So you’re going to tell the King of Italian Cuisine that Crocs aren’t in style? It’s Mario Batali, get off your high horse.