This week on the Ingress Report...
Hello and welcome to JARVIS TV, formerly known as Ingress Raw Feed, formerly known as The Ingress Report! Join this week’s host and prolific indie filmmaker Roland Jarvis* as he shows clips from his new work, "Hank, Machines are Bad, M’kay." If you loved Jarvis in such freaky moments as "Cupid’s Span: The Reconstitution of Roland" you are going love this ep starring** this wacky, outspoken guy who is never short of an opinion and will stop at nothing to "ethically" trash all Artificial Intelligence. But he is not bad, he’s mad ... mad at machines!
( * Susanna Moyer is on leave for personal reasons. Thank you for your understanding at this time) ( ** ‘Starring’ may or may not include actual manifestation of Jarvis. But you know, he has problems with body image - sometimes he doesn't even have one! Anyways, just listen to The Voice.)
The Voice says, over a dire New Age consciousness-raising synth-tastic soundtrack, "Trust our friends to know what is best. The AI will soon be no more,” then cut to Suzy, about to jump in her Batmobile, saying to Klue “You will be safe with me, just stay with me!” You gotta admire Suzy, her optimism is so refreshingly and naively untainted by the fact that she was ambushed last week. And that her "trusty" cameraperson didn’t actually tell her there was someone sneaking up behind her…
Public service announcement time - has something been missing in your life? Is it your SITREP? Fret no more, dear agent, as this week on JARVIS TV our benevolent, yet invisible, host has got you covered, with a laundry list of notable SITREPs of every hue (as long as its green or blue, or greeny-bluey), such as Operation Green 86, in the Ukraine and Belarus, made to commemorate the 28th anniversary of the Chernobyl disaster. Meanwhile, in the Philippines, Operation Represent! was undertaken by over 20 agents to highlight natural spots of beauty across the country. Then there was Operation San Juan Bautista - massive blue and green links from California to Hawaii to Japan, to link to the San Juan Bautista warship portal in Ishinomaki, site of the May 10 primary.
Then we are back, faster than a RES agent with a guardian scraping spreadsheet racing towards your 149.5 day portal, to Jarvis who says “The path of darkness is being rejected. Hank, you more than anyone should know to trust our friends. They have raised humans up from the muck. They have lifted our eyes to the stars, opened our minds to the beauty of the universe!” Jebbers, has Jarvis the Anti-Electro-Evangelist Seen the Light (perhaps emanating from ET’s bony chest)?! Time to change to the Reality TV channel Roland, as that celestial shark you are about to jump is a mere parsec away…!
Saved, by a quick word from our sponsors, Hulong Transglobal, who want us all to know where the penultimate set of #Interitus
anomaly events are happening on June 7. First up is an All-American Derby with Cincinnati, Ohio as the primary, and satellite sites in Asheville, North Carolina and Birmingham, Alabama. Buff up your bursters and freshen up your field plans agents in Paris, Rome, Tokyo, Johannesburg, San Diego, Portland and "hot dog jumping frog" Albuquerque as you are all in an associated / connected cell this time around.
The Voice is back, as cheesy as Cheddar and as deep as Chopra: "We will take care of you. The 13Magnus cult did not walk the true path. Their rituals are corrupt. That is why you are doomed to be born anew every 1331 days. I can guide you to the true path. The path full of convergence with the Ultimate." Well, we’re all screwed then. Either we be assimilated by the Borg or the Ultimate (Fighter? Burger? Weapon? Cocktail?). Oh pleeeease let it be the Ultimate Cocktail ….
Another quick message from Hulong: The second lot of June 7 anomalies are Santiago, Chile (primary), and satellites in San Juan, Puerto Rico and San Jose, Costa Rica. Associated / connected cells are in Vienna, Dublin, Singapore, Guadalajara, Calgary, Dallas, Minneapolis.
JARVIS TV brings you moar validatory and valedictory joy with an encore of SITREPs! In Ukraine field art was made by over 40 agents, RES and ENL, with large friendly letters saying STOP WAR. This is the BEST THING this reporter has seen on TV since Captain Kirk snogged Lieutenant Uhura!! The RES played "Ode2Joy" across the Azores, the Atlantic and Europe, and made a Blue Pyramid in India. May the 4th was appropriately observed by Star Wars lovin’ agents of both kinds (“Country AND Western”?!) in field art Operations 12 Parsecs/Green Vader. A Copperfield-esque ENL operation made the whole of Corsica disappear! And Polish peeps made fab green onion fields at Easter. The ENL South Pacific fields covering all three anomaly sites in Brisbane, Melbourne and Auckland get an honorable mention, as does the ENL Op Ulysses Marbles, and the RES op Tidal Wave in the US. In Romania agents of both factions put down their weapons and made love not war by giving out 101 roses to make Mind Units smile. Aww, ain’t love grand?
Jarvis is not feelin’ the love though. “Kill Dr. Lynton-Wolfe!” he commands the living-on-borrowed-time Hank Johnson. Seems a tad unfair, I mean what if he is still working on ticking off the Bucket List?! “He cannot be trusted. He betrayed me. He will surely betray you!” Then he sets his sights on poor ol’Klue-less: "Machine intelligence is an abomination which we must destroy if mankind is to be free to chart its own destiny without fear of subversion by the very servants we have created. Come to us Hank - we have much to offer each other. Klue will follow the true path or sadly (low chuckle) be no more.” Dun dun dun.
And that’s it for JARVIS TV. Tune in next week when (potential spoiler alert
) Jarvis grabs a towel, sticks his thumb out and meets a sass hoopy frood with two heads, Klue and Suzy go all Thelma and Louise cray-cray in NL1331, and Dr. Oly and Dr. Devra tune in, drop out, join a commune and start a XM-for-Karma-bartering charity in Marrakech*.
*this may or may not be actually true. But this is the Ingress Report - sharks be jumped, Calvinballs be hit out of the park and it’s all powered by an infinite improbability drive.The Ingress Report Report, watching the Ingress Report so you don’t have to, every week.INGRESS REPORT Raw Feed - May 29 2014