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Only Funny Jokes

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Husband : Last night in your sleep you were using abusive language against me.

Wife : That was your imagination.

Husband : What imagination?

Wife : That I was asleep.
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Height of sharing...

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.

The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife.

He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them.

As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering `That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.`

As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple.

The old man replies that they`re just fine - they`re just used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman says `No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.`

As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks `May I ask what is it you are waiting for?`
The old woman answers...


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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."
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Dying husband asks his wife: Our 7th Son always looked different from the other 6,
Did he have a different father?"

Wife (crying): Yes !

Husband: Who?

Wife: You !!!

Husband Died Instantly !!!
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It was a practical session in the psychology class.

The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it.

The rat was in the middle of the cage.

Then, the professor kept a piece of cake on one side and kept a female rat on the other side.

The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it.

Then, the professor changed the cake and replaced it with some bread.

The male rat ran towards the bread.

This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every time.

And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat.

Professor said: This experiment shows that food is the greatest strength and attraction.

Then, one of the students from the back rows said:

"Sir, why don't you change the female rat? This one may be his wife!"
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ज्योतिषी : तुम्हारा नाम कविता है?

कविता : जी महाराज

ज्योतिषी : रितेश तेरे पति का नाम है?

कविता : जी जी महाराज (हाथ जोड़ते हुए)

ज्योतिषी : रितेश की उम्र 45 साल है?

कविता: जी.. जी.. महाराज

ज्योतिषी : तेरे दो लड़के और एक लड़की है ?

कविता: जी.. बिलकुल सही महाराज

ज्योतिषी : बड़ा लड़का.. 18 वर्ष का है.. नाम ऋषिकांत है

कविता: (नतमस्तक हो कर) हां में गर्दन हिलाती है

ज्योतिषी : लड़की 15 साल की.. नाम ऐश्वर्या है

कविता: (झुक कर) जी.. महाराज

ज्योतिषी : सबसे छोटा लड़का है जो अभी दस साल का है.. नाम रूपेश है

कविता : (आश्चर्य से झुक कर चरणों में झुकतेे हुए) जी बिलकुल सही सही बता रहे हैं

ज्योतिषी : तूने कल 25 किलो गेहूं खरीदे हैं?

कविता : (पैरो पर गिर कर..) महराज आप तो पूरे अंतरयामी हैं

ज्योतिषी : *अगली बार कुंडली लाना राशन कार्ड...नहीं..*😜
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Taking his seat in his chambers, the smart HONEST Sindhi Judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So, the Judge said, I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers became uncomfortable.

"You, attorney Mohanty, gave me Rs. 5,00,000, and you, attorney Venkat, gave me Rs. 6,00,000."

The judge now reached into his pocket and pulled out Rs. 1,00,000.
He handed it to attorney Venkat and said...

"Now that I'm returning Rs.1,00,000,to Mr.Venkat,
we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!!"
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A Sindhi bought a well from a Marwari.
The next day while on his way to market he met the Marwari who told him "I have sold the well to you but not the water. If you use the water you will have to pay for it"

The Sindhi  replied " I was in fact planning to come to your place and ask you to empty the water and if you don't do it than you will have to pay the rent for storing it in my well" 😂😂

Super Sindhi & Marwari
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There was an english language competition.

200 people were participating.

CALMNESS in one sentence.

Only one person got the award for the best sentence......

He wrote ......,


Judges hugged him with excitement while presenting the award.
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Classic one

Ever since Robert was a child, he had a fear of someone under his bed at night.

So he went to a Psychiatrist and told him "I've got problems.
Every time I go to bed
I think there's somebody under it.
I'm scared.
I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the psychiatrist.

"Come, talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

'$200 per visit,' replied
the doctor.

'I'll think of it and if needed I will come back to you,'
Robert said.

Six months later he met the Psychiatrist on the street.

'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, $200 a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!

A Indian friend of mine cured me for the price of one plate biryani and a bottle of coke.

I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new SUV".

'Is that so!' with a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did the friend cure you?'

He told me to
"Sell the bed and sleep on a Mattress on the floor."



There is always an INDIAN way to solve a difficult problem...
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