#psychotherapy #counseling #relationships #blogpost
Dealing with passive aggression can be frustrating. You can become hyper-vigilant, trying to read minds to avoid the anger, withdrawal or sabotage.
The first step in dealing with the situations is to spot them. Another term for passive aggressive styles that is useful is the ‘angry doormat’. It’s the style of relating whereby someone says everything is fine, allowing people to ‘walk over them’ (as they experience it) and then explode angrily at this treatment.
We are all capable of being a bit like this at times. But most of us learn from these mistakes and adjust our behaviour accordingly. Asking people to be more mindful of our needs.
A person stuck in passive aggressive relating has difficulties in being assertive. Generally because of self esteem issues. Although there can at times be issues around addiction or trauma.
So first, how to spot passive aggressive relating:
Hidden verbal aggression. Examples of this are gossiping, teasing, sarcasm, negative outlook on people places and things. Habitual criticism of other’s positivity, solutions, happiness etc
Hidden work and task hostility. Examples being procrastination, withholding of information or resources, stubbornness, rigidity, complication, in-completion or ruin of task
Hidden relationship aggression. Examples of this are backstabbing, silent treatment, exclusion treatment, mixed messages and being two faced, negative surprises
Hidden resentments to others in the form of self hurting/punishment. Examples of this are addictions, codependency, imagined or exaggerated health issues, self harm, victimhood
Some useful strategies
Avoid when you can. Not always possible but if it is, walk away
Don’t become responsible for changing the person. This sort of personal change is only possible if the person wants it. By stepping in and trying to change them you will more often than not simply feed into the cycle. So have boundaries for you own self protection an leave them be
Try not to get hooked in. It’s frustrating to be the target of passive aggression, but maintaining a sense of detachment is your best defence. Becoming hooked in is to become entangled and possibly very hurt
Try not to become hypersensitive and tend towards overreaction. Hyper-vigilance is a sign you need help with your stress levels around passive aggressive relating
If you are required to interact at work then make your interaction formal. Have other people around, record, don’t personalise interaction e.g. “I notice the deadline was not met’ rather than “You didn’t meet the deadline”, get help. Remember this is aimed at self protection not about changing the other person
Have clear consequences on resistance to tasks. Don’t allow things to slip or fudge. Break tasks down, with consequences for failure to meet deadlines etc set lower down and earlier on. You can spot the problem before it becomes a disaster and also gradually get compliance
For today say
I am strong enough to assert my needs and wants and ensure they are met
#blogpost #psychotherapy #psychotherapylondon #counseling #addictionrecovery #alcoholism #recovery #stressmanagement
Have you ever said something like, ‘Oh I’m just stressed, I’ll be fine” ? Does that seem to you to be a reasonable statement?
How about if I do a word substitution exercise then I’d like you to assess if the following statements seem to reasonable
- Oh I’m just developing cardiovascular disease (I’ll be fine)
- Oh I’m just developing a major depressive disorder (I’ll be fine)
- Oh I’m just triggering a major alcohol/drug binge (I’ll be fine)
- Oh I’m just developing long term trauma symptoms (I’ll be fine)
- Oh I’m just becoming anti-social loosing my temper with people (I’ll be fine)
- Oh I’m just working on destroying my intimate relationships (I’ll be fine)
- Oh I’m just undercutting my effectiveness at work with possible disciplinary consequences (I’ll be fine)
These are some of the possibilities of chronic stress...
So here’s some stress busting tips :)
1) Go to the park, go on country walks. Fresh air, exercise and nature are great cures for stress
3) Use guided imagery meditations to visualise calm places
4) Develop meditative practice or any other spiritual practice such as prayer. Anything that trains your mind to be quiet
5) Learn to relax, through breathing exercises and mild physical exercise (yoga or a walk for example)
6) Stressful situations can make us feel out of control, so have strong routines even rituals that hold you in times of mess and stress
7) Cultivate gratitude and focus on what you have
8) Strenuous exercise on a regular basis. Running, kick boxing, gym, circuit training re all great at busing stress
9) Break the rumination and constant worrying by taking up a hobby to distract yourself
Absolutely do not!
a) Drink or drug the issue away
b) Ignore the problem
c) Isolate and withdraw
d) Ruminate, dwell on or obsess on the negative issues
e) Emotionally eat to manage you feelings
If you need help to incorporate this into your life, to turn things around then give me a call 07506 319 745
So for today say
I am at peace, even when my life gets crazy
#blog #psychotherapy #counseling
Be Accountable To Yourself
We can avoid so much because of fear and anxiety. Putting off taking action, lettings bills pile up, not answering emails, loosing the ability to assert our needs in intimate relationships. All due to fear.
Some typical types of anxiety based thinking leading to procrastination are
Setting yourself too many tasks to complete
Having an ‘all or nothing’ mindset (perfectionism)
Having too many thoughts in your head at one time
Predicting a negative outcome (catastrophe thinking)
Needing certainty and control
Letting go of these types of thinking by taking action anyway can be very helpful in life.
A useful technique is to stop thinking externally and to set internal goals and standards.
Becoming accountable to yourself in the long run is a healthier way of relating to fear of others and situations. Set goals based on your own internal ethical framework. Relating to reality but taking back your own personal power to act.
Don’t run from fear, which is mostly internally generated, but stand beside it. Accept it and take action to make change in your life.
Fear grows the more we try to run away from it and avoid it.
For today say
I am worth taking action to empower myself
#blogpost #psychotherapy #counseling
If you can breathe you can meditate, if you are reading this you can breathe, so if you are reading this you can meditate....
Mindfulness mediation has a growing body of research showing it has global health benefits for individuals using it. It needs to special postures or equipment.
In the first of these blogs I described the breathing technique of anchoring and Diffusion in the embedded video. The embedded video here will take you through Acceptance, Contact with the present, and Spacial Awareness.
1) Diffusion.This is defined as distancing from and letting go of unhelpful thoughts, beliefs, memories and other cognitions.
2) Acceptance/expansion. Attempting to suppress or control thoughts only ever works in the short term. Acceptance means that thoughts are to be allowed to come and go without a struggle.
3) Contact with the present moment. Engaging fully with our here-and-now experience, with an attitude of openness and curiosity. What might happen if we tune into current experience – the “now” – rather than thoughts (which are at least one step removed from experience)?
4) Spacial awareness. By creating the observing self or witness, we accesses a more spacious sense of self
For today say
I am worth being with myself today
- Noel McDermottPsychotherapist; Social Entrepreneur; Trainer, 1996 - present
- Number 42 Complete Psychotherapy PracticeMarketing and business consultant. Freelance counselling psychotherapist, 2011 - 2012
- Kids CompanyQuality management, 2008 - 2011
- Islington CouncilService management, 2004 - 2008
Counselling and psychotherapy, advice and support to individuals; children and their families; addiction recovery.
Business, entrepreneurial support to professionals in the therapies, child-social care, health and education.
Social business solutions.
Application of of arts and arts therapies based approaches for team, community and personal development.
Tailored approaches drawing from diverse experience and training including cognitive behavioural, psycho-dynamic, arts therapies, child care, family and couple therapy, recovery work and so-on.
Organisational management and entrepreneurship.
- University of Hertfordshire
- Washwood Heath