A Blonde and a Brunette are going to rob a bank.
The day before the robbery the brunette turns to the blonde and says "Do you remember the plan?"
"Yes" says the blonde.
"Well let's go over it" says the Brunette.
The day of the robbery the Brunette insists that they go over the plan again so they do.
"You have 5 Minutes" says the Brunette.
20 Minutes go by and finally the Blonde comes out of the bank dragging the safe by a rope she tied to it.
The security guard comes running out with his pants around his ankles reaching for is gun.
The blonde says "F*** this" and runs to the car.
They are driving away and the Brunette screams "YOU IDIOT I TOLD YOU TO TIE UP THE SECURITY GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!!!"
The lawyer looked at him and said it was just an apple and not to be so stupid.
But the man explained that this is a special apple and asked the lawyer to take a bite.
So the lawyer took a bite and it tasted like a banana.
The man told him to turn it round a little bit and have another bite, so the lawyer did and it tasted like an orange.
He was amazed!
The man told him he could make it taste like anything he wanted as he turned it round, so, the lawyer asks if he can make it taste like a juicy vagina.
The man says no problem, hands the apple back to the lawyer and tells him to take a bite.
The lawyer does and starts coughing and spluttering and spits the apple out.
That tastes like shit he shouts.
The man just laughs and tells him: just turn the apple around!
As the flight attendant moved down the plane, she asked one of the passengers: “Would you like dinner?”
“What are my choices?” asked the passenger.
“Yes or No,” replied the attendant
That's Direct Marketing.
You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you and says, "He's very rich. Marry him."
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me."
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her; pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich."
That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's Customer Feedback!!!!
He returns in about 15 minutes.
The same scenario occurs again, after which the tourist asks about this strange behavior.
The guide explains that if one of the young ladies of his town is in an amorous mood, she goes into a dark cave.
If she hears "Wooo wooo," she responds "Wooo wooo" to signal that she is ready and willing.
No one knows who is who and everyone is happy.
The tourist is amazed and asks if he might partake in this local custom at the next cave.
The guide doesn’t see any problem with this.
At the next cave the tourist runs to the entrance and calls out "Wooo wooo."
To his delight, he hears a sonorous and enticing "Wooo wooo" sung back to him from the recesses of the cave.
He takes off his clothes, rushes headlong into the cave, and gets run over by a train.
They are out about an hour enjoying the sights when they come around a sharp bend in the trail and spot a bear just in front of them feeding off some vegetation next to the trail.
The bear lets out a menacing growl when it notices the hikers.
Mike says "jump up and down, make some noise to scare it away".
Jack says “that won't work, we need to play dead".
They both ask Gary “what do we do?"
There is no reply. Turning around they see Gary far down the trail behind them.
If you live near a musician, it’s either a blessing or a curse, depending on how loud or how well the musician plays. One musician in the Pacific Northwest plays the same 24 notes on his balcony every single night, and the whole neighborhood stops and listens. You'll get it once you hear it.
The wife was, of course, in the bed with the neighbor - Peter.
As she heard her husband coming home she told Peter to hide in the wardrobe.
She lied down on the floor, pretending she had a heart attack.
Her husband came in and saw his wife on the floor.
He was very alarmed! At that moment his little kid came in saying: “Daddy, daddy! Peter is hiding in the wardrobe!”
The man went to the wardrobe and shouted: “You nerd! Instead helping me with my sick wife, you're playing hid
She gets a spider, and pulls of two legs and tells it to walk.
It walks a few steps, so she removes another two legs and asks it to walk.
It walks a few more steps, so she yanks off another two legs and tells it to walk.
It walks, so she removes the last two legs and tells it to walk.
Nothing happens, so she asks it again to walk.
It doesn't move so she comes up with a conclusion.
Spiders with no legs are deaf.
- University of Lifepresent
- Infinite Stairs
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