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Nance Larson
Worked at Retired
Attends University of Life
Lives in Manahawkin New Jersey, USA
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Nance Larson

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Pilot: Have you ever flown in a small plane before?

Passenger: No, I have not.

Pilot: Well, here is some chewing gum. It will help to keep your ears from popping.

Pilot (after the plane landed): Did the gum help?

Passenger: Yep. It worked fine. The only trouble is I can't get the gum out of my ears.
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Nance Larson

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A man had a nose ring fitted into his nose, a friend asked, "How much did you pay for that?"

"I paid through the nose!" he replied

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Nance Larson

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A Man sees a picture of his wife in the nude hanging at an art show, and demands of her, "Did you really pose for that?"

"Don’t be ridiculous," she replies. "Of course not... The artist painted it from memory."

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An Irishman proposed to his girl friend on Saint Patrick’s Day and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond.

On learning it wasn't real she protested vehemently about his cheapness.

He explained that in honor of Saint Patrick’s Day, he picked her a sham rock.
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Nance Larson

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A Man sees a picture of his wife in the nude hanging at an art show, and demands of her, "Did you really pose for that?"

"Don’t be ridiculous," she replies. "Of course not... The artist painted it from memory."

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Nance Larson

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Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."



In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."




On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels




At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."




On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."



At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."


On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."


In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."


On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."


At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."



Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."



In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"



At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be delighted."


In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry;
come on in and get fed up."



In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."



At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."


And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."


And the best one for last............

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
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A very intelligent boy was fortunate enough to be receiving a far better education than his parents had enjoyed, and his vocabulary far outstripped theirs. One day he came home from school and said “Mommy, may I relate to you a narrative?”

“What’s a narrative, Gerald?” she asked.

“A narrative, Mommy, is a tale.”

“Oh, I see,” said his mother nodding, and Gerald told her his story. At bedtime as he was about to go upstairs he said, “Shall I extinguish the light Mommy?”

“What’s extinguish?” she asked.

“Extinguish means to put out, Mommy,” said brainy Gerald

“Oh, I see. Yes, certainly.”

The next day the clergyman came to tea and the family dog began to make a nuisance of himself, as a dog will, by begging for goodies from the table.

“Gerald,” said his mother, trying to impress

“Take that dog by the narrative and extinguish him!”

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Trying to come to the aid of his Dad, who was stopped by an officer for speeding, the mischievous child piped up,

“Yeah? Well, if we were speeding, so were you!”
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A guy walks into a bar with a pet monkey. The monkey begins running around and jumps onto a pool table and swallows one of the pool balls whole.

The bartender/owner sees this just as it is happening. Furious he makes the man and his monkey leave.

A few weeks later, the same man and his monkey walk into the same bar. The bartender, not paying attention as he is talking with one of his regulars, sees the monkey just as it jumps onto the bar, takes a peanut out of the bowl, inserts it into its behind, pulls it back out, then eats it.

The bartender, angry, yet curious, again tells the man to leave. As the man is leaving, the bartender asks the man, "Hey buddy, why did your monkey do that with the peanut?"

The man replied, "Well, ever since he passed that pool ball, he measures everything before he eats it."
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Over My Dead Body

An old lady walked into a newspaper office.

She approached an employee and said that her husband had died and that she would like to have an obituary appear in the paper.

The employee gave her a form and told her to write the obituary on it. She wrote, "Earl W. Worth died Saturday, December 2nd at his home. Services are at The Baptist Church at 3 P.M."

The employee looked at the form and said, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but obituaries are limited to 7 words apiece.

The woman took another form and wrote, "Earl died. '57 Chevy truck for sale."
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A prostitute is having a slow night and walks into a bar.

She notices that the bar is empty except for the bartender and a koala bear sitting at the end of the bar.

She thinks for a little bit, and goes up to the koala bear. She asks him if he'd like to go home with her. The koala bear thinks about it, looks at her, and then hops off his stool. They go back to her place and have a good ole time.

In the morning, the koala bear hops off the bed and starts to walk out the door. The prostitute gets up and tells him he needs to pay her. The koala bear looks back at her confused. She immediately thinks, oh you don't understand. She goes over to the bookshelf and grabs the dictionary.

She flips the page to prostitute and it reads: Renders services and must be paid.

The koala bear then takes away the dictionary and flips it to koala bear and it reads: Eats bush and leaves.

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People
Work
Occupation
Not a damn thing!
Employment
  • Retired
Places
Map of the places this user has livedMap of the places this user has livedMap of the places this user has lived
Currently
Manahawkin New Jersey, USA
Previously
Kenilworth NJ - Roselle Park NJ - East Windsor NJ
Links
Contributor to
Story
Tagline
Retired and Loving It!!!
Bragging rights
Survived twin sons with one daughter 26 months older and an other daughter 4 years younger.
Education
  • University of Life
    present
Basic Information
Gender
Female
Other names
Nancy Rein Larson
Nance Larson's +1's are the things they like, agree with, or want to recommend.
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