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Nance Larson
Worked at Retired
Attends University of Life
Lives in Manahawkin New Jersey, USA


Nance Larson

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While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.

He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothing,'" the beachcomber said.

"Wow," said the tourist.

The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."
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Nance Larson

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In the bar at the top of the Empire State Building there are two men sitting together.

Guy #1 says to Guy #2, "I bet you that I can jump out of that window over there and come up those stairs in just 2 seconds."

Guy #2 doesn't believe him so he says, "I'd like to see you try!" Then Guy #1 jumps out the window and appears at the top of the stairs in just under 2 seconds.

Guy #2 is flabbergasted. Guy #1 then bets that he can jump out the window and come up the stairs with a beautiful woman in his arms.

Guy #2 says, "That's impossible!!"

Guy #1 says, "You just watch."

He does it and Guy #2 is really impressed but thinks: "Hey, this guy is really drunk so if he can do it, so can I."

He decides to try to show up this other guy and he jumps out the window.

He splats himself all over the sidewalk.

Guy #1 watches him plummet to his messy death, laughs to himself at his own triumph, and walks back to the bar and resumes his seat.

The bartender says, "Superman, you're really a jerk when you're drunk!"
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Nance Larson

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A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.

The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."

The judge then asked why she had done it.

She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.

She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?"

The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.

The judge said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"

The husband said meekly, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas." 
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Nance Larson

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10 Things In Golf That Sound Naughty - Sick Jokes

1. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

3. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

8. Just turn your back and drop it.

9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.

10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

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Nance Larson

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A rapist, a gangster and a murderer are in the same car...

Who is driving the car?

A police officer!
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Nance Larson

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Little Old Lady is being cross-examined by the DA

D.A.: What is your age?

Woman: I am 86 years old.

D.A.: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

D.A.: Did you know him?

Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

D.A.: What happened after he sat down?

Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

D.A.: Did you stop him?

Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

D.A.: Why not?

Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

D.A.: What happened next?

Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

D.A.: Did you stop him then?

Woman: No, I did not stop him.

D.A.: Why not?

Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

D.A.: What happened next?

Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and said to him..."Take me ...young man...Take me!"

D.A.: Did he take you?

Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!"

...And that's when I shot the little bastard.

Nancy Claudio's profile photo
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Nance Larson

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A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Gee Whiz, all I can smell is... MOLASSES!
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Nance Larson

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What's the difference between medium and rare?

A. Six inches is medium and eight inches is RARE!!
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Nance Larson

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These facts are irrefutable.

A wise person once said:

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that
the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a
hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

3. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Coors,
Budweiser, Michelob & Samuel Adams. Men may state their preferences, but
will grab whatever is available.

4. I haven't verified this on Snopes or Google but it sounds legit. A recent
study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the
men who mention it.
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Nance Larson

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A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who was known for being a poor housekeeper.

When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Have these dishes ever been washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside, whistled and yelled, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!"
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Nance Larson

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One day a boy asked his grandpa "grandpa make a frog sound"

The grandfather asked why?

The boy said, "Grandma says when you croak we are going to Hawaii”
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Nance Larson

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A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.

As her dad donned his tuxedo she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.”

“And why not, darling?” he asked.

“You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.”
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In her circles
698 people
Not a damn thing!
  • Retired
Map of the places this user has livedMap of the places this user has livedMap of the places this user has lived
Manahawkin New Jersey, USA
Kenilworth NJ - Roselle Park NJ - East Windsor NJ
Contributor to
Retired and Loving It!!!
Bragging rights
Survived twin sons with one daughter 26 months older and an other daughter 4 years younger.
  • University of Life
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Other names
Nancy Rein Larson
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Nance Larson's +1's are the things they like, agree with, or want to recommend.
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