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Nance Larson
Worked at Retired
Attends University of Life
Lives in Manahawkin New Jersey, USA


Nance Larson

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Herman and Martha were happily married for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up Martha and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. Herman told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."

The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and Herman continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning. Before dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed holiday pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to her as to how she might solve her husband's problem.

With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard Herman awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. Martha could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, Herman came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.

"Honey," he said. "You were right -- all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked Martha.

"Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."
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Nance Larson

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Old world charm ................................. No bath

Options galore ................................... Nothing is included in the itinerary

No extra fees ..................................... No extras

Nominal fee ....................................... Outrageous charge

Standard ........................................... Sub-standard

Deluxe .............................................. Standard

Superior ............................................ One free shower cap

Cozy ................................................. Small

All the amenities ................................ Two free shower caps

Plush ................................................ Top and bottom sheets

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Nance Larson

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"I don't think my mom knows much about children."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because she always puts me to bed when I am wide awake and gets me up when I am sleepy."

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Nance Larson

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Chemistry classes was going on, The teacher asked a girl student:

What are nitrates?

The girl blushed and answered: Night-rates are costlier than day.
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Nance Larson

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Erica is walking out of a movie theatre at the same time as a man with a parrot on his shoulder.

Erica turns to the man and says, "Your parrot actually seemed to understand the movie".

It looked around during the boring parts, it paid close attention to the dramatic parts, it even "squawked" during the funny parts. I don't understand how that can be.

The man turns to Erica and says "I don't understand it either.... he didn't like the book 
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Nance Larson

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How to Clean a Cat

Thoroughly clean the toilet.

Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and lift both lids.

Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the bathroom.

In one smooth movement, put the cat into the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the top so he cannot escape.) CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the cat, as his paws will be reaching for anything they can find.

Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

Have someone open the back door and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the garden.

Stand behind the toilet as much as you can and lift both lids quickly.

The freshly cleaned cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside, where he will dry himself.

Sincerely, The Dog
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Nance Larson

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A family is setting around the supper table and the son asks if he can ask a personal question?

The fathers said ask away. The young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"

The father, surprised, says, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.

In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said could I ask a personal question?

The daughter turns to her mother and asks "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases.

In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard.

In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."
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Nance Larson

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A tornado hit a farmhouse just before dawn. It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds on which the farmer and his wife slept, and set them down gently in the next county. The wife began to cry.

“Don’t be scared, Susan,” her husband said. “We are not hurt.”

Susan continued to cry. “I’m not scared,” she said between sobs. “I’m happy ‘cause this is the first time in 15 years we’ve been out together.
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Nance Larson

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A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
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Nance Larson

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Chemistry classes was going on, The teacher asked a girl student:

What are nitrates?

The girl blushed and answered: Night-rates are costlier than day.
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Nance Larson

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It's about 3:30 in the morning, a wife wakes up to find she is alone in the bed and she can hear her husband crying uncontrollably.

She gets up and starts to look for him.
He's not in the bathroom, living room, or in the kitchen.

As she passes the laundry room, she hears his faint sniffels coming from the basement.

She turns on the light and goes downstairs to find him.

Finally, she finds him huddled in the corner, rolled up into a ball, and crying hysterically.

She runs over to him and asks why he is crying.

He says, "Do you remember when we got married twenty (20) years ago?" She looks at him and says, "yes".

He says, "well, a couple of months before, your dad said that I could marry you or go to jail."

She says, "I already know that. I don't see what the problem is."

He says, " don't you see!!! I would have gotten out today!"
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Two divorce lawyers were having drinks in a lounge after an exhausting day in the courts.

In walks the most spectacular woman either of the lawyers had seen in a long time.

One of the lawyer’s says, “Boy! I sure would like to screw her!”

To which the other replies, “Out of what?”
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Not a damn thing!
  • Retired
Map of the places this user has livedMap of the places this user has livedMap of the places this user has lived
Manahawkin New Jersey, USA
Kenilworth NJ - Roselle Park NJ - East Windsor NJ
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Retired and Loving It!!!
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Survived twin sons with one daughter 26 months older and an other daughter 4 years younger.
  • University of Life
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Nancy Rein Larson
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