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The news, improved.
The news, improved.

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Hawaii—With an angry orange glow, the Kilauea Volcano is destroying everything in its path. This natural disaster seems to have a relentless and all-consuming appetite. Locals have dubbed the monster Lua Pele Trump. “Everyone knows President Trump hates…
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TORONTO-A local music curator is reeling in the wake of DJ and producer Avicii’s death. “I will never compile a prime-time gym playlist the same way again,” said GoodLife Fitness employee Diyon Herath. Swedish Electronic Dance Music sensation Avicii, born…
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Starbucks will close more than eight thousand US stores Sunday afternoon for anti-bias training. This forum is in response to the incident in Philadelphia that saw two black men arrested at the popular coffee chain on April 12. Managers everywhere are…
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WORLD—This coming Sunday, two important events will take place simultaneously: Easter and April Fools’ Day. God said he plans to honour the coincidence with a legendary joke. “When I realized that Easter Sunday would fall on April Fools’ for the first…
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MARKHAM, ONTARIO—Doug Ford is the new leader of the Ontario PC Party. The Devil has claimed responsibility. The election announcement was delayed more than seven hours after disputes with ballots. “I had a few issues to iron out,” said Satan. “Plus, it…
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OTTAWA—“It’s not you, it’s me.” With those words, Patrick Brown broke up with Ontario AGAIN. Brown stepped down as Ontario PC Party leader January 24 after CTV reported that two women were accusing him of sexual misconduct. After three weeks of denials,…
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MINNEAPOLIS—The Philadelphia Eagles beat the New England Patriots 41-33 in Super Bowl 52 on Sunday. With the win, God keeps his perfect record intact. “I can only give the praise to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Chirst,” said Eagles coach Doug Pederson as he…
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TORONTO—After conceding to their participation in a bread price-fixing scheme, Loblaws has risen to the occasion and is offering customers a twenty-five dollar gift card as a gesture of goodwill. However, some are saying the fine print shows that…
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