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Michael Prescott
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Once upon a time, there was a peaceful mountain village. It was blessed with a holy pond, inhabited by a pair of mermaids. Sisters eternal, they loved nothing more than to help the villagers using their great wisdom.

"Obey us in all things, no matter how strange," they said. "What we will ask you to do may alarm you, but it is for your benefit, and your village will prosper." And so it did.

But if that were the end of the tale, you wouldn't be here. 

Wow, Valerian was a stinker. It's hard to put into words without seeming like hyperbole. The scenery and concept art was (of course) striking, but it all just flaps past on a robotic conveyor belt completely devoid of emotional engagement.

The central relationship is so "boys will be boys" tone-deaf it's embarrassing, and it's relentless. The dialogue is just dumb. I kept hearing the meaty slaps of palms hitting foreheads.

What's amazing is that it keeps getting dumber. I was holding on, hoping for some slight redemption to emerge from the narrative, but no. It's like accidental parody. No cliche is too tired to drag out.

I have a few ideas to redeem it:

1. Remove the audio, and use it as a music video for a contractually obligated concept rock album.

2. Remove the audio, and use the dialogue from a different movie. Maybe Empire Strikes Back. It won't line up with the visuals, but if you close your eyes it's kind of like an audio book.

3. Take the money you'd have spent on a ticket, and burn it. This will only take a couple of minutes, which is 135 minutes less than Valerian's runtime. Win!

If you do decide to watch the movie, some tips:

a) Those really cool black robots don't do anything cool, don't get your hopes up.

b) Think of Rihanna's arc as a completely separate movie within a movie, just for fun.

c) When Clive Owen is speaking but they cleverly put an extra's head in front of his so you can't tell who it is, try to pretend you can't tell it's Clive Owen!

d) If you find yourself bored or unappreciative, reflect on the fact that this movie cost almost €24,000 per second. Neat! If you had to waste €24,000/sec, what would you have done with it?

e) If you make it through to the end, tell me what happens in the last ten minutes; we gave up. Does she wake up? Was it all a bad dream?

Has anyone made a legacy game involving jigsaw puzzle-building? Perhaps something involving a series of puzzles, each with multiple envelopes of a few hundred pieces to complete the a puzzle different ways?

Did we already talk about the database of OSR rules that would be used to randomly generate hacks on a weekly basis?

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The Dusk Ghouls are really neat. +Chris Chinn goes over some interesting ways to make combat "more difficult", one of which (the 'Hex Points') is a worsening liability. Players have to balance paying down the liability with taking the fight to the enemies.

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Now that the Halls Untoward are nearly stocked, it's time to make the reference model for the 3D illustration.

There are a few spots left!

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Filling in is going swimmingly! Just shy of halfway there. +Goblins Henchman was kind enough to point out a couple of numbering problems, so now there are new locations 12, 15, 38 and 49 (formerly 48b).

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The Halls Untoward are slowly being filled up. We have some lovely spaces in the 20-26 range. For the budget conscious who still want to be near a good school, check out #52.

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Time for a Basilica, +Andy Action.

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Resharing for day-dwellers!
Let's stock The Halls Untoward. These crowdsourced stocking projects look fun, shall we try one?

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