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Marti Lawrence
Worked at Author
Attended University of Central Missouri
Lives in Grain Valley, MO (KC)
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Marti Lawrence

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Oh my - tongue tied!
Give Your Tounge A Work Out
Try reading this poem out loud. Go on. You know you want to!
   by Gerard Nolst Trenité

Is a classic English poem containing about 800 of the worst irregularities in English spelling and pronunciation. Will Snellen wrote a PDF version using the phonetic alphabet. You can hear some of it pronounced mostly correctly by "JimmyJams" in the video The Chaos Of English Pronunciation by Gerard Nolst Trenité on YouTube. 

Gerard Nolst Trenité - The Chaos (1922)

Dearest creature in creation
Studying English pronunciation,
   I will teach you in my verse
   Sounds like corpse, corps, horse and worse.

I will keep you, Susy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy;
   Tear in eye, your dress you'll tear;
   Queer, fair seer, hear my prayer.

Pray, console your loving poet,
Make my coat look new, dear, sew it!
   Just compare heart, hear and heard,
   Dies and diet, lord and word.

Sword and sward, retain and Britain
(Mind the latter how it's written).
   Made has not the sound of bade,
   Say-said, pay-paid, laid but plaid.

Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as vague and ague,
   But be careful how you speak,
   Say: gush, bush, steak, streak, break, bleak ,

Previous, precious, fuchsia, via
Recipe, pipe, studding-sail, choir;
   Woven, oven, how and low,
   Script, receipt, shoe, poem, toe.

Say, expecting fraud and trickery:
Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore,
   Branch, ranch, measles, topsails, aisles,
   Missiles, similes, reviles.

Wholly, holly, signal, signing,
Same, examining, but mining,
   Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
   Solar, mica, war and far.

From "desire": desirable-admirable from "admire",
Lumber, plumber, bier, but brier,
   Topsham, brougham, renown, but known,
   Knowledge, done, lone, gone, none, tone,

One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel.
   Gertrude, German, wind and wind,
   Beau, kind, kindred, queue, mankind,

Tortoise, turquoise, chamois-leather,
Reading, Reading, heathen, heather.
   This phonetic labyrinth
   Gives moss, gross, brook, brooch, ninth, plinth.

Have you ever yet endeavoured
To pronounce revered and severed,
   Demon, lemon, ghoul, foul, soul,
   Peter, petrol and patrol?

Billet does not end like ballet;
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
   Blood and flood are not like food,
   Nor is mould like should and would.

Banquet is not nearly parquet,
Which exactly rhymes with khaki.
   Discount, viscount, load and broad,
   Toward, to forward, to reward,

Ricocheted and crocheting, croquet?
Right! Your pronunciation's OK.
   Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
   Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Is your r correct in higher?
Keats asserts it rhymes Thalia.
   Hugh, but hug, and hood, but hoot,
   Buoyant, minute, but minute.

Say abscission with precision,
Now: position and transition;
   Would it tally with my rhyme
   If I mentioned paradigm?

Twopence, threepence, tease are easy,
But cease, crease, grease and greasy?
   Cornice, nice, valise, revise,
   Rabies, but lullabies.

Of such puzzling words as nauseous,
Rhyming well with cautious, tortious,
   You'll envelop lists, I hope,
   In a linen envelope.

Would you like some more? You'll have it!
Affidavit, David, davit.
   To abjure, to perjure. Sheik
   Does not sound like Czech but ache.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, loch, moustache, eleven.
   We say hallowed, but allowed,
   People, leopard, towed but vowed.

Mark the difference, moreover,
Between mover, plover, Dover.
   Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
   Chalice, but police and lice,

Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
   Petal, penal, and canal,
   Wait, surmise, plait, promise, pal,

Suit, suite, ruin. Circuit, conduit
Rhyme with "shirk it" and "beyond it",
   But it is not hard to tell
   Why it's pall, mall, but Pall Mall.

Muscle, muscular, gaol, iron,
Timber, climber, bullion, lion,
   Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
   Senator, spectator, mayor,

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
Has the a of drachm and hammer.
   Pussy, hussy and possess,
   Desert, but desert, address.

Golf, wolf, countenance, lieutenants
Hoist in lieu of flags left pennants.
   Courier, courtier, tomb, bomb, comb,
   Cow, but Cowper, some and home.

"Solder, soldier! Blood is thicker",
Quoth he, "than liqueur or liquor",
   Making, it is sad but true,
   In bravado, much ado.

Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
   Pilot, pivot, gaunt, but aunt,
   Font, front, wont, want, grand and grant.

Arsenic, specific, scenic,
Relic, rhetoric, hygienic.
   Gooseberry, goose, and close, but close,
   Paradise, rise, rose, and dose.

Say inveigh, neigh, but inveigle,
Make the latter rhyme with eagle.
   Mind! Meandering but mean,
   Valentine and magazine.

And I bet you, dear, a penny,
You say mani-(fold) like many,
   Which is wrong. Say rapier, pier,
   Tier (one who ties), but tier.

Arch, archangel; pray, does erring
Rhyme with herring or with stirring?
   Prison, bison, treasure trove,
   Treason, hover, cover, cove,

Perseverance, severance. Ribald
Rhymes (but piebald doesn't) with nibbled.
   Phaeton, paean, gnat, ghat, gnaw,
   Lien, psychic, shone, bone, pshaw.

Don't be down, my own, but rough it,
And distinguish buffet, buffet;
   Brood, stood, roof, rook, school, wool, boon,
   Worcester, Boleyn, to impugn.

Say in sounds correct and sterling
Hearse, hear, hearken, year and yearling.
   Evil, devil, mezzotint,
   Mind the z! (A gentle hint.)

Now you need not pay attention
To such sounds as I don't mention,
   Sounds like pores, pause, pours and paws,
   Rhyming with the pronoun yours;

Nor are proper names included,
Though I often heard, as you did,
   Funny rhymes to unicorn,
   Yes, you know them, Vaughan and Strachan.

No, my maiden, coy and comely,
I don't want to speak of Cholmondeley.
   No. Yet Froude compared with proud
   Is no better than McLeod.

But mind trivial and vial,
Tripod, menial, denial,
   Troll and trolley, realm and ream,
   Schedule, mischief, schism, and scheme.

Argil, gill, Argyll, gill. Surely
May be made to rhyme with Raleigh,
   But you're not supposed to say
   Piquet rhymes with sobriquet.

Had this invalid invalid
Worthless documents? How pallid,
   How uncouth he, couchant, looked,
   When for Portsmouth I had booked!

Zeus, Thebes, Thales, Aphrodite,
Paramour, enamoured, flighty,
   Episodes, antipodes,
   Acquiesce, and obsequies.

Please don't monkey with the geyser,
Don't peel 'taters with my razor,
   Rather say in accents pure:
   Nature, stature and mature.

Pious, impious, limb, climb, glumly,
Worsted, worsted, crumbly, dumbly,
   Conquer, conquest, vase, phase, fan,
   Wan, sedan and artisan.

The th will surely trouble you
More than r, ch or w.
   Say then these phonetic gems:
   Thomas, thyme, Theresa, Thames.

Thompson, Chatham, Waltham, Streatham,
There are more but I forget 'em-
   Wait! I've got it: Anthony,
   Lighten your anxiety.

The archaic word albeit
Does not rhyme with eight-you see it;
   With and forthwith, one has voice,
   One has not, you make your choice.

Shoes, goes, does *. Now first say: finger;
Then say: singer, ginger, linger.
   Real, zeal, mauve, gauze and gauge,
   Marriage, foliage, mirage, age,

Hero, heron, query, very,
Parry, tarry fury, bury,
   Dost, lost, post, and doth, cloth, loth,
   Job, Job, blossom, bosom, oath.

Faugh, oppugnant, keen oppugners,
Bowing, bowing, banjo-tuners
   Holm you know, but noes, canoes,
   Puisne, truism, use, to use?

Though the difference seems little,
We say actual, but victual,
   Seat, sweat, chaste, caste, Leigh, eight, height,
   Put, nut, granite, and unite.

Reefer does not rhyme with deafer,
Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
   Dull, bull, Geoffrey, George, ate, late,
   Hint, pint, senate, but sedate.

Gaelic, Arabic, pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific;
   Tour, but our, dour, succour, four,
   Gas, alas, and Arkansas.

Say manoeuvre, yacht and vomit,
Next omit, which differs from it
   Bona fide, alibi
   Gyrate, dowry and awry.

Sea, idea, guinea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
   Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean,
   Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion with battalion,
   Rally with ally; yea, ye,
   Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, key, quay!

Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, receiver.
   Never guess-it is not safe,
   We say calves, valves, half, but Ralf.

Starry, granary, canary,
Crevice, but device, and eyrie,
   Face, but preface, then grimace,
   Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.

Bass, large, target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, oust, joust, and scour, but scourging;
   Ear, but earn; and ere and tear
   Do not rhyme with here but heir.

Mind the o of off and often
Which may be pronounced as orphan,
   With the sound of saw and sauce;
   Also soft, lost, cloth and cross.

Pudding, puddle, putting. Putting?
Yes: at golf it rhymes with shutting.
   Respite, spite, consent, resent.
   Liable, but Parliament.

Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew, Stephen,
   Monkey, donkey, clerk and jerk,
   Asp, grasp, wasp, demesne, cork, work.

A of valour, vapid vapour,
S of news (compare newspaper),
   G of gibbet, gibbon, gist,
   I of antichrist and grist,

Differ like diverse and divers,
Rivers, strivers, shivers, fivers.
   Once, but nonce, toll, doll, but roll,
   Polish, Polish, poll and poll.

Pronunciation-think of Psyche!-
Is a paling, stout and spiky.
   Won't it make you lose your wits
   Writing groats and saying "grits"?

It's a dark abyss or tunnel
Strewn with stones like rowlock, gunwale,
   Islington, and Isle of Wight,
   Housewife, verdict and indict.

Don't you think so, reader, rather,
Saying lather, bather, father?
   Finally, which rhymes with enough,
   Though, through, bough, cough, hough, sough, tough??

Hiccough has the sound of sup...
My advice is: GIVE IT UP!

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We live in an unincorporated area outside of city limits and folks out here really like to blow stuff up! :-).
It sounds like a war zone right now - glad husband doesn't have PTSD!
Hope all of you are having a great day!
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I don't mind the light show, but I hate the booms. And I don't even have PTSD. Happy Independence Day!
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Some wise words from +Rick Wayne  on our American independence.
Three And A Half Stars

It's a holiday weekend here in the U.S. We get a lot of bad press around the world -- not without reason.

I often tell people I'm proud to be an American, although that wasn't always so. For most of my life, it's been cool to hate on the stars and stripes. When I was younger, mostly until college, I would often keep my mouth shut.

Before university, most of the history you learn is about your own country. Not ALL of course, but that's certainly the focus in most places, since the ultimate goal of compulsory education is not to turn out educated citizens but simply citizens.

But world history was a big part of my higher curriculum -- although my primary training is biological science -- and so for the first time in my life I got to learn about all those other countries out there.


Here's the deal. The Declaration of Independence is an amazing document, unprecedented in its ambition. Literally. To the British who received it, it would have no doubt seemed a farce. And indeed, there were a great many people predicting doom after the Revolution, and again when the Articles of Confederation failed, and again during the War of 1812, and again during the Civil War, and again during waves of immigration, and again at universal suffrage, and again during the Civil Rights movement... And still.

Apparently we've been teetering from the start!

From the moment the Declaration -- and its companion, the Bill of Rights -- were penned, the United States was immediately and embarrassingly short of its ambition. And for the last two hundred and some years, we've still not managed to achieve it. Recent events come to mind.

But that's the thing about lofty goals. They push us to do better. And those two hundred years are nothing if not the story of us -- painfully, often excruciatingly slowly -- doing better.

We still have a long way to go. But I submit to you that it will take far, far longer to get there while liberally-minded people continue to let conservatives appropriate the public symbology, like the flag. And patriotism.

As Orwell noted, there is a difference between that and jingoism. The ideologue will not be able to discern it, their eyes being blinded by the light of their own righteous truth, but in that narrow gap the real battle is fought -- at the level of belief, at the level of myth.

There are always those people who will tell you that the movie you liked was the the most awful, tepid, useless, boring piece of trash ever filmed. Some people wear hyperbole like a hat.

Others will tell you it's the greatest masterpiece since Citizen Kane.

It really depends on what your expectations are. If you once believed the propaganda (that cherry-picked truth) but don't anymore, you'll be an eternally disappointed liberal. If you STILL believe the propaganda, you're part of the problem.

But in between, I believe there's room for us to be proud of what we've accomplished without diminishing the scope of the work ahead. The United States is, if anything, an unfinished work whose first chapter opens with the line, "We hold these truths to be self-evident..."

Let's finish the book.

"Fourth" by Franco Brambilla #independenceday   #fourthofjuly   #america  
4 comments on original post
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Our local NPR station reads the declaration every year on this date. It's a hell of a document.
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Yikes!  A tornado touched down just a few miles south of us!  I am worn slick - took husband down to the VA today for a follow-up on the urinary tract infection he had.  He is doing better, but not all the way well yet.  So tiring to spend the day there, then come home to severe weather.
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Thanks everyone!
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6:00 AM: Gym
8:00 AM: Breakfast (oatmeal, egg whites and mimosas)
9:00 AM: Hair appointment
10:00 AM: Shopping (preferably at Neiman’s or Saks or Barneys)
12:00 PM: Brunch
2:00 PM: Assume complete control of the U.S. Federal, state, and local governments, as well as all other forms of world government, destroy all healthy marriages, replace all school counselors in grades K-12 with agents from Colombian and Jamaican drug cartels, bulldoze all houses of worship, secure total control of all of the internets and all mass media.
2:15 PM: Be fabulous
2:30 PM: Mud mask and forty winks of beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles from the stress of world conquest
4:00 PM: Cocktails
6:00 PM: Light Dinner (soup, salad with romaine, radicchio, arugula, and balsamic vinaigrette dressing, and Pouilly Fuisse)
8:00 PM: Theatre
10:30 PM: “Do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight!”
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Ben Key
Hey.How did you obtain a copy of my top secret schedule for tomorrow? You must have hacked my computer.
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Love and joy to all of you!
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Double rainbow all the way!
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On July 1 please post a pic of yourself holding your favorite indie book with the hashtag #IndieBooksBeSeen
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Too cool not to share!
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It's not a bug, it's a feature was an old saying among computer geeks to describe something going awry.
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If that's the case ,I had a 1966 Feature when i was younger.
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Still my favorite  social media site!  Wishing all of my G+ friends a joyous day!
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We lost a huge tree in the storms last night.
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Update: Lots of drizzling rain but low-grade winds, nothing over 20 Mph.
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In her circles
3,109 people
Have her in circles
13,891 people
Ashfak Ahmad's profile photo
Annika Krilov's profile photo
Charles Berecz's profile photo
Of NoncaNNicaL's profile photo
Carrie Welborn's profile photo
Air Filter On Demand's profile photo
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  • University of Central Missouri
  • Baptist Memorial Hospital School of Radiology
    Radiologic Technology
Basic Information
July 29
Author, humorist, lover of life
I grew up in Independence, Missouri, and was strongly influenced by Harry Truman's straight talk and honest action. I have been a registered radiological technologist, pre-need counselor, webmaster, humor columnist, and blogger.

I am also a moderator for the Google Plus Community "Writers Discussion Group"  which proudly hit 10,000 members March 8, 2013 and topped 15,000 on October 22, 2013.

I am the author of three books,  a collection of essays, "Queen Klutz: The Misadventures of a Very Clumsy Woman," a paranormal mystery novel, "River of Possibilities," and a humorous self-help manual, "7 Ways You Screw Up Your Life (and how to unscrew it)"

I am published in the Examiner newspaper, 2006 Writer's Blog Anthology and as a featured columnist at USA Deep South and Southern Humorists. I live in rural Jackson County, Missouri.

I am a humorist, lover of life, author and caregiver for my disabled husband (stroke) and until her recent passing, my mother-in-law (Parkinson's). I love social media because I don't get to meet people in real-life due to my caregiving responsibilities.

I blog about laughter, bad luck, no luck, being a klutz, cars that hate me, life and love. I turned several of my blog posts and newspaper columns into my first book.  Then I lived the dream of writing a novel which is available at Amazon and Smashwords.  I am an early adopter of new technologies and wrote a third book - a humorous self-help manual with many friends from the early days of Twitter including Foreword by Chris Brogan. Contributors = Jeremiah Owyang, Becky McCray, Susan Reynolds, Terry Starbucker, Liz Strauss. I worked for Seth Godin when Squidoo was being launched, building pages to increase the site's viability.

  • Author
Map of the places this user has livedMap of the places this user has livedMap of the places this user has lived
Grain Valley, MO (KC)
Independence, MO - San Francisco, CA : St. Louis, MO
Contact Information
Grain Valley, MO
Marti Lawrence's +1's are the things they like, agree with, or want to recommend.
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