This week on the Ingress Report...
2.016 version of the IR is back, with Sojourner Suzy returning after a break so long that it's been 5 weeks since her last login and I was beginning to get worried about her...oh wait. Not really my line...
Dedicated journo that she is however she is back with a 10 minute loiter into the Land of Lore. Given the convoluted and confusioned state of the backstory this reporter is surprised it only took her 5 weeks to untangle the snarled-up storylines and fish out enough scraps left over from all the shark jumping to give us a sense of WTF went on in 2.015.
So pull up a MUFG, pour yourself a powercube and pop on a tinfoil hat, because here is the TL:DW:
• Hunk Johnson went to India on a N'zeer hunt and to get deets about a thingie called the #Darsana
Point (no, it's not a place, and no, there are no lighthouse portals there).
• In India he met the mysterious and smouldering Jahan, who said she would "assist him with his research". TWSS.
• Really she's the flagwaving president of the N'zeer fanclub called the AntiMagnets, ah, AntiMagnus.
• Jahan's posse believe that the N'zeer will end war, disease and world hunger for all humanity, sorta like a trans-dimensional legion of Miss Universe contestants.
• Hank went off to try to find historical souvenirs of the N'zeer, only to find the shop was empty as members of the #13Magnus
gang have swiped them all over the last few thousands of years. Ever resourceful though, Hank finds something that the 13Magnus missed on their pretty-thing purge: the #Shonin
• Turns out the AntiMagnets are the forerunners of the Resistance faction, and the 13Magnets are the predecessors of the Enlightened faction. Because, Magnets.
• Jahan pulled a gun on Hank and his mate Azmati, the leader of 13Magnets, and they all trot off to Afghanistan with the Shonin Stone to a cosy nest.
• Jahan fiddles around with the stone, which explodes resulting in some people in the Away Team dying and other more Sensitive and plotworthy characters being sucked into the portal network and sharded. Well, strange things do happen when stoned. Must be some ancient and powerful shit.
• Jahan didn't die because she is very plotworthy and photogenic so she ran off Persepolis to try and have another go at making a Transdimensional Toll Call to the N'zeer.
• In "it's complicated" Ingress relationship news, Klue got a divorce from ADA, and ADA shacked up with the N'zeer, after slapping Jahan out of the way. The year ended with ADA having a massive fall out with the N'zeer which made her sad and so ronery.
• And then, mike drop, it seems all those peeps hanging about in the portal network who were part of the original Niantic Project are all simulacrums and their bodies are in a place called #Abaddon
, locked up in some statis tubes the likes of which we've never seen before except in major motion pictures like Minority Report, Alien and The Matrix. And now, on the #Obsidian
anomaly series logo.
• Resistance POC for the Obsidian "Are you ready to ROCK?!!" anomaly series is Jahan, and the Enlightened POC is head Jarvis groupie, The Acolyte. (Just like Lady Gaga and Susanna Moyer, however, this reporter suspects that's not her real name).
Got all that? Good, because there will be a test, and it won't be multichoice. Don't worry if you don't score highly however, as you can #spoof
your way through the storyline madness and play the actual game. Niantic doesn't mind. The Ingress Report Report, watching the Ingress Report so you don't have to, every week