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Kris Barnes
Attended University of Bath
950 followers|46,276 views
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Cancer? Do you filter your water? Read why this is important. http://ow.ly/uMLog
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Kris Barnes

Discussion  - 
 
A poem I wrote ten years ago, let me know what you guys think...

TREES WHISTLE FOR ME

Under the charcoal stained sky,

            In the operated universe we stay

Where the ladies learn,

            Within this prison-like high-rise block

Full of unfilled dreams

            This lifelong ambition for one day only

They congratulate each other

            Their cloned features turn no-ones head

But trees whistle for me

-

Around the steps we go;

            Cold machinery stands alone, frying brains

Performing their tasks,

            Minds all focused in a quiet gathering

Toiled by their habits to a loss

            Looking around, pervading truth

Working, wasting, only trying

            Hassle for nothing and mental wounds

But still the trees, they whistle for me
4
Abbiraami bala's profile photoKris Barnes's profile photoMatsiko Durman Troy's profile photo
4 comments
 
cute
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Kris Barnes

Critique Requested  - 
 
A poem I wrote ten years ago, let me know what you guys think...

TREES WHISTLE FOR ME

Under the charcoal stained sky,

            In the operated universe we stay

Where the ladies learn,

            Within this prison-like high-rise block

Full of unfilled dreams

            This lifelong ambition for one day only

They congratulate each other

            Their cloned features turn no-ones head

But trees whistle for me

-

Around the steps we go;

            Cold machinery stands alone, frying brains

Performing their tasks,

            Minds all focused in a quiet gathering

Toiled by their habits to a loss

            Looking around, pervading truth

Working, wasting, only trying

            Hassle for nothing and mental wounds

But still the trees, they whistle for me
4
Kris Barnes's profile photoLoretta Leslie's profile photoDan Simmons's profile photoChris Flegel's profile photo
5 comments
 
Are you trying to write a dual poem - I forget the name - helix maybe. Someone will know. One where each set of lines can be read separately or the two as a whole? It almost works. No easy feat.

Perhaps you could focus on that and see if it tightens up the whole
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Here's a poem I wrote ten years ago:

TREES WHISTLE FOR ME

Under the charcoal stained sky,

            In the operated universe we stay

Where the ladies learn,

            Within this prison-like high-rise block

Full of unfilled dreams

            This lifelong ambition for one day only

They congratulate each other

            Their cloned features turn no-ones head

But trees whistle for me

-

Around the steps we go;

            Cold machinery stands alone, frying brains

Performing their tasks,

            Minds all focused in a quiet gathering

Toiled by their habits to a loss

            Looking around, pervading truth

Working, wasting, only trying

            Hassle for nothing and mental wounds

But still the trees they whistle for me
1
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Have him in circles
950 people
Miguel Rivas's profile photo

Kris Barnes

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A Guest Post by Author Roy McLarty Voltaire is reputed to have said to a client “… madam, here is the novel you commissioned it’s in two volumes, if I had more time I could have written it in one.” What a dramatic statement! It gets to the heart of[Read More...]
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Kris Barnes

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"This book tells me everything. Why didn't my doctor tell me this?" Read… http://ow.ly/uMHSC
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Dare to dream.
 
MATCH REPORT: Liverpool stormed to the summit of the Barclays Premier League with a commanding 4-0 victory over Tottenham Hotspur on Sunday: http://www.liverpoolfc.com/news/latest-news/160183-rampant-reds-rout-spurs-to-take-summit
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Could happen Kris. Good luck but I'm seeing light blue ribbon on trophy this season.
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Kris Barnes

Poems Corner  - 
 
A poem I wrote ten years ago, let me know what you guys think...

TREES WHISTLE FOR ME

Under the charcoal stained sky,

            In the operated universe we stay

Where the ladies learn,

            Within this prison-like high-rise block

Full of unfilled dreams

            This lifelong ambition for one day only

They congratulate each other

            Their cloned features turn no-ones head

But trees whistle for me

-

Around the steps we go;

            Cold machinery stands alone, frying brains

Performing their tasks,

            Minds all focused in a quiet gathering

Toiled by their habits to a loss

            Looking around, pervading truth

Working, wasting, only trying

            Hassle for nothing and mental wounds

But still the trees, they whistle for me
2
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People
Have him in circles
950 people
Miguel Rivas's profile photo
Work
Occupation
Head of Marketing | Publishing Push | Helping Authors & Publishers | Marketing Consultant | PR | Social Media
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Marketing, PR, book marketing, Social Media, Online Marketing, Digital Marketing, Marketing Communications,
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Male
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Publishing Push | Helping Authors & Publishers | Marketing Consultant | PR | Social Media
Education
  • University of Bath
    2005
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