Something Understood

It feels very much like yesterday when I posted this article ( three days before the last General Election. It was about Pharmacy and Politics. It was about Healthcare and Election. It was also poignant that a year after penning that piece and as another important vote - The AV referendum (,_2011) was taking place, my wife gave birth to our second child - Emmanuel - who will be four years old today - Happy birthday son. So what has happened, what has changed and where are we going?

I will start with a poster which a good friend of mine saw yesterday and she posted on Facebook. It had the caption:

“I am slave 4 u - Britney” (Under a red Labour banner); and
“Get rich or die tryin - 50 cent” (Under a blue Tory banner)

Uncle Ed or Brother Dave may feel the need to differentiate themselves but they are family. To me, these are different sides of the same coin. So it won’t much matter where you sit or where you stand, just make sure you exercise your civic duty - I have done through the postal voting system. I am writing this to put a closure to a certain passage in my life - To avoid misunderstanding. To make what might be foggy, clear. I will however use convoluted prose and idioms but as the Yobuba people will say: “Abo oro…” (

Right from the very first time I chose to contribute to the medicines use review project in 2007 (, my stated aim and ambition was to see a better working NHS in which Pharmacy was an integral part. I did this by working tirelessly away from the glare of the public but in a determined and dedicated way. We all have a stake in this NHS afterall. After what I perceived to be efforts to scupper my efforts, I decided to quit. I am no one’s slave and I wasn’t going to die trying to balance my financial books. It was never about the money. It was all about making a difference. Chinua Achebe, through his lead character in his book “No Longer at Ease” describes a tragedy in these terms (

"You think that suicide ruins a tragedy?" said the chairman
"Yes, real tragedy is never resolved. It goes on hopelessly for ever. Conventional tragedy is too easy, the hero dies and we feel a purging of the emotions. A real tragedy takes place in a corner, in an untidy spot. The rest of the world is unaware of it....There is no release for him.."

I was in fact heading for a tragedy because everything I had hoped and prayed for was unraveling before my very eyes. And it was all taking place quietly in a corner because I am not the type to “kigbe ibosi”. What have we become? What world have we created and encouraged which allows a vast sway of people who want to do good and make a difference to be so marginalised? A society that does not reward hard work and honesty cannot truly prosper and can only result in the events that led to the financial crash of 2007. In any case, my attempt to quit was sternly rebuffed by my maker. I described what happened in my first book: “The Doctrine of Universal Truths” ( and also what this moment of inspiration made me do ( ). 

The consequence is that I was thrust into the limelight - a touch was shone on me! The question I have to those that instigated this was: why? This is the most important question of all because it is at the heart of this narrative. Was it to empower me? Was it to disable me? or worse - kill me off? Your guess is as good as mine but I can bet you the truth is somewhere in between. I became a threat to the ambitions of some very powerful individuals that would rather see the back of me. So a plot was hatched hastily to make this problem go away. I don’t however, believe that everyone involved felt this way. The age old truth is that when you shine light on light, the brightness can dazzle. And that was what happened. Then again I knew this from the very beginning but I went along nonetheless because I was conducting my own experiment about this thing that was so profoundly revealed to me. As a scientist first, I had to eliminate any bias. So I kept quiet and observed what was going on acutely. I kept myself quiet to eliminate introducing bias to this case study. I systematically put the pieces together. I have presented what I consider to be my case study here ( 

It is very likely that the real cause of my anguish was the way I reacted to what was revealed to me. I conducted a case study on it when I should have accepted it. But the scientist in me says, it was the right thing to do and I am able to disseminate my findings now to benefit a wider range of people. The conformist in me says, it might have been easier if I didn't fight it and had just gone with the flow. I don’t regret the decision I took. My rationale is this: In this journey of my life, I have one - just one chance - to get it right. I have just one bullet! I am also blind! Blind to the motives of those who set this up, blind to the motive of my God. If this was bad forces, and I didn't fight - I will not have been able to forgive myself. I will have to turn that bullet on myself. If I fought bad forces and get killed in the process, then that is martyrdom isn't it? If it was good forces, and I didn't fight, I will be living a life of luxury now. If I fought good forces and get killed in the process....then so much for the good forces! As I alluded before, I was fighting mixed forces. Some good, some bad, some undecided. I hope this journey has swayed a great deal of undecided and convinced some bad to change their ways and encouraged the good to continue on their path.

I found myself on the shores of the Acheron because I rejected slavery. Not content to let me reside in the shores, they followed me with their tableau of righteousness. In Limbo, I ate copiously, drank gallons and run up a large bill. This was slavery of another type. Different sides of the same coin. But it was here that  I was pricked - to pursue that which inspired me; but these lot did not have the courage of their own conviction. So my path returned to my place of enslavement with traps, delicately woven and set in my path. But I returned not as a slave but as a saviour. The wee mouse has gained sight, grown a beak and wings too. This wee mouse is here to lead. It is time to get used to it for my wounds are healed but the scars remain.

Now I reach a cross road. I can forgive but the power to forget is not within my control. In time - maybe. More importantly, I now understand the reason for the notion of ‘will’. When God revealed himself to me, He said “nothing is going to be impossible if I was willing - nil volentebus arduum”. I thought it only meant, I have to will it and its mine. That is true but I now realise, I do not have control of the will anymore than I have control of the power to forget. My will is dying because of the constructed reality I find myself in. Haven proved this to be true, is it not time to start opening up and letting me in so that I can reveal that which has been revealed to me? I am not a very good negotiator but I am clear about the necessary and what that looks like. Are we going to do the necessary? I don’t have a begging bowl. I am no one’s slave. Emmanuel - "God is with us".

Winter is icummen in,
Lhude sing Goddamm
Sing goddamm, damm, sing Goddamm
Sing goddamm, sing goddamm, DAMM.

From Ancient music by Ezra Pound (

For more details read my two books:
“The Doctrine of Universal Truths”, and
“Lamentations - a collection of poetry”

#understanding   #election2015   #election   #politics   #life   #lamentation   #poetry  

This talk about ancient music makes me think of a modern reincarnation of it in “High Hopes” by Paolo Nutini…

My hopes are high but my eyes can't
Believe what they see,
Give me something to believe,
Gime me something to believe. 
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