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Johnny M
Works at Dark World International
Attended Aquinas High School
Lives in Minneapolis
202 followers|49,817 views


Johnny M

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In today's episode of The Weirdness, I went to get the mail only to find that my key didn't work. In fact, the lock had been changed sometime in the last 24 hours. I called the rental office and left a voice mail about it. Literally two minutes later, Maintenance stopped by with new mailbox keys because we were on his list of things to do today. Total coincidence. I asked him why the lock got changed, and he said he didn't know, he was just told that we'd lost our mailbox keys and needed new ones.

And oddly enough, even though there are two people living in this apartment, he only had one key to give us. He reluctantly gave up his own key for the box (which he kept in case our keys were lost or broken) so that my roommate could have a copy.

When I went to the mailbox, the key did indeed work. There was no mail inside, but there was a piece of the old lock sitting in there.

Now the old lock had a habit of getting loose and non-functional. However, it was usually not difficult for me to tighten it up so that it worked again. It had been doing that since we moved in last year, and I had complained about it right away, but whatever they did to "fix" it didn't take so I decided to just handle it myself.

I'm waiting for the rental office to call back and explain to me why we weren't given a heads up on this and why it got changed so suddenly. I'm sure it's nothing, but it's just another odd situation piled up on top of others we've had recently (like the building's water pressure suddenly plummeting or the fact that twice in one week I had to kill a giant yellowjacket that had somehow made its way inside my apartment).

Johnny M

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Today at the store is Psychic Sunday, where we have several readers on hand doing mini-readings. We get a lot of people who've never been here before. Including one straight couple that was getting a reading from Zack...


The girl storms out of the store, followed shortly by her very embarrassed boyfriend. The girl is standing by the door, stomping her feet.

HER: Let's get out of here! It's Satanic!
HIM: But I have to pay.
HER: Well, hurry up! It's Satanic!

The look on his face said "I'm sorry my girlfriend is a twat."

And I'm thinking "Bitch, where the FUCK do you think you are? Did the candles and incense not tip you off? The statues of Ganesha and Lakshmi on the front display case? The fact that you're getting a goddamn TAROT READING? Oh, and by the way, for a good Christian woman, you wear way too much makeup and way too much polyester."

Nobody ever said that my job wasn't interesting.

Johnny M

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"The truly terrifying part of the original was seeing how easily and quickly the characters broke down, turned on each other, and gave in to blind panic and psychosis. The new film, in contrast, has a seven-figure budget, a script, a special effects crew, and a Witch straight out of found-footage central casting; somewhere, there’s a Paranormal Activity knock-off missing its villain because she’s moonlighting as the Blair Witch."
“Blair Witch” Is Lost In The Woods. By Johnny M. “Blair Witch” Is Lost In The Woods. September 16, 2016 at 8:46AM EDT. It might be hard to believe, but back in the dark days of 1999 when people huddled around tube-based televisions in fear of packs of marauding boy bands, The Blair Witch Project ...

Johnny M

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"Kubo is a vibrant, emotional, and at all times beautiful film...It’s an ode to the power of storytelling that manages to tell a powerful story in its own right that each viewer can connect to and enjoy in their own way. Like the best of fairy tales and the best of animation, it is at its core an elementally human experience."
“Kubo” Is A Classic Story For All Ages. By Johnny M. “Kubo” Is A Classic Story For All Ages. August 19, 2016 at 7:12AM EDT. The best fairy tales are the ones that don't seem like what modern audiences have come to think of as “fairy tales.” While the original purpose of fairy tales was to ...

Johnny M

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I found out today that my psychiatrist is an old-school computer role-playing geek. I told her today that I started a new game of "Champions of Krynn", and she told me how much she loved playing "Wizardry" and "Pool Of Radiance" back in the day. She said one of her biggest problems with online gaming is that people don't believe she's really a woman.

I knew there was a reason I liked her.

Johnny M

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Today at the store, I rang up a purchase for a woman named Becky. She had really good hair. She seemed like a perfectly nice person. I don't know what Beyoncé's so salty about.

Johnny M

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"While the film is still often fun and genuinely humorous in many ways, it never forms a sure and steady balance between character and action or between rebellion and convention. For a film that’s about the worst criminals in the DC Universe, it seems disappointingly safe."
“Suicide Squad” Could Use A Pep Rally. By Johnny M. “Suicide Squad” Could Use A Pep Rally. August 05, 2016 at 1:04AM EDT. What if you threw a superhero party and didn't recognize anybody who showed up? That's sort of the vibe given off by Suicide Squad, the third film in the unsteady, ...

Johnny M

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I'm torn about watching the debate tonight. On the one hand, I should remain informed and responsible.

On the other hand, I'm really not a big fan of vomiting.

Johnny M

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That moment where you want to get up but are overruled. #cats #lifewithcats #catparalysis

Johnny M

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I know I placed a moratorium on political posts, but something happened today that I feel I need to talk about.

Tonight, I got a call from the local Hillary Clinton campaign office. I don't remember the girl's name, but I have a strong feeling that its meaning is "OMG! Pumpkin spice lattes are back!"

Anyway, Basic Becky asked me if I would like to volunteer with the campaign, going door-to-door, etc. I politely declined telling her that I'm disabled, deal with constant chronic pain and fatigue, that I can only work part time and am generally too exhausted to do much else. Her response?

"Ha ha ha! Too exhausted!"

Like it was a joke. Like I genuinely told her a fucking joke that was meant to be funny.

So Basic Becky starts going off about all the other stuff I could do for the campaign and mid-sentence I said very calmly, but with severity "I. Said. NO. What part of disabled with chronic pain and fatigue do you not understand? Please don't call me again."

"But you could..."

"I said do NOT call me again."

"Well, can we count on your vote?"

"If I say yes, will you leave me alone?"

But just to be sure, I blocked the number anyway.

This isn't meant as a commentary on Hillary Clinton's campaign, but just to highlight the fact that it isn't just the Republicans who don't take disabled people seriously, especially those of us with invisible disabilities.

This is why it has been such a constant struggle to convince people of my conditions...because "you don't look sick"...and even explaining something like chronic pain and fatigue doesn't have the cognitive impact of saying you rely on a wheelchair or are missing a limb.

Someone needs to remind Basic Becky that laughing off a potential voter's health conditions isn't the best way to win friends and influence people. I hope her next pumpkin spice latte is made with GMO soy milk.

Johnny M

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I am currently sitting in the lobby of the Mariott Hotel in Brooklyn Park while Robert is having his second-round job interview.

Johnny M

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This is my special drink. This is my lime-in-the-coconut. It's not the best use of my money, but it's one of the very, very few indulgences I allow myself.
For more information on Johnny and his music, please check the links.  What?  You want me to type it all OVER again?  Oh, all those words...
Bragging rights
One of Minnesota's original and most active male burlesque performers.
  • Aquinas High School
    1991 - 1995
  • University of Minnesota
    1995 - 1998
Basic Information
Other names
Johnny M Gayzmonic
Music (arrangement/composition/piano), writing (fiction/genre/essay), dancing (burlesque/pole), sarcasm/snark
  • Dark World International
    Recording artist, 2010 - present
  • Dr. Farrago's Burlesque Theatre
    Manager, 2005 - present
  • Fanboys Of The Universe
    Writer/reviewer, 2008 - 2012
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