DEAR DIARY: MY FIRST FINNISH WINTER
December 8, 2016
It started to snow. The first real snow of the season and my wife and I made cocoa with peppermint liqueur, 'minttukaakao', and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down. It looked like a postcard. Moving to Finland was the best idea I ever had. So romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9, 2016
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering the entire landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the world? I shovelled snow for the first time in my life, and felt like a kid. I did our driveway and the footpaths. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the footpaths and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12, 2016
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbour Jarkko tells me not to worry; we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Jarkko says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Jarkko is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.
December 14, 2016
Snow, lovely snow! 20 cm last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and footpaths. This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I'd have to do quite so much shovelling, but I'll certainly get in shape.
December 15, 2016
50 cm forecast. I sold the Yaris and bought a four-wheel-drive Audi. Bought extra shovels. My wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity gets cut. I said that's silly. We aren't in Russia.
December 16, 2016
Ice-storm this morning. Slipped on the ice while putting gravel on the driveway. My bum hurts like hell. My wife laughed for an hour. Cruel.
December 17, 2016
Still way below zero. Roads too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was cut off for five hours. So cold. Nothing to do but stare at my wife and try not to irritate her. I guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20, 2016
Electricity's back on, but had another 35 cm of snow last night. More shovelling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplough came by twice. Tried to get a neighbours' kid to shovel snow for pocket money, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store to see about buying a snow-blower. They don't seem to know what I'm talking about. I think they're lying. Jarkko says I have to shovel or the council will do it, and charge me. I think he's lying.
December 22, 2016
Jarkko was right about a white Christmas, because 40 more centimetres fell today and it's so cold it probably won't melt until May. Took me 45 minutes to get dressed to go shovelling, and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, pee'd and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Jarkko, who has a plough on his truck, for the rest of winter. He says he's too busy. I think the bastard's lying.
December 23, 2016
Only 5 cm of snow today, and it 'warmed up' to zero. My wife wants me to put Christmas lights in front of the house. Is she nuts?! Why didn't she ask me that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.
December 24, 2016
25 cm snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel. If I ever catch the bastard who drives that snowplough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling, and then comes down the street at a 100 kilometres an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been. Tonight my wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplough.
December 25, 2016
Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 60 more centimetres of !=3D@x@!x!x1!!. Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes me hullu! God I hate snow. The snowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. My wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If she suggests one more Christmas carol I'm going to shove her in the microwave.
December 26, 2016
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27, 2016
Temperature dropped to -40 and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 74 hours. He charged me €800 to fix the pipes.
December 28, 2016
Warmed up to over -50. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me insane.
December 29, 2016
30 more centimetres. Jarkko says I should shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. He must think I'm a complete idiot.
December 30, 2016
Roof caved in. I beat up the snowplough driver. He's suing me for €120,000, not only for the beating but for trying to shove a broken snow shovel up his bum. My wife went home to her mother. 20 cm forecast.
December 31, 2016
I set fire to the house. No more shovelling.
January 8, 2017
The little pills they're giving me are so pretty!
Happy winter folks!
Stu 80) #finland #winter