Watching Albion: The Enchanted Stallion and Rambling.
It has been a long time since I last did a rambling stream of consciousness while watching a movie. Though this evening I started watching Albion: The Enchanted Stallion on Netflix and 5 minutes in I realized I was providing commentary out loud, even thought I'm alone, so why not just write it down and share it.

(First time, post-movie note: These ramblings contain spoilers. My ramblings usually don't, but for some reason I felt like giving a bit more context this time; I blame the champagne, as I usually drink beer when I watch-and-ramble.)

Starting the movie over - and here we go...

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This is gonna be some low-budget fantasy flick with a "fantastic" story and less-than-fantastic quality, isn't it?

Heh, the intro titles even look like something made in Windows Movie Maker.

A Christmas movie? I didn't see that coming.

What? Even after she woke up she is still hearing horse sounds from her dream about a stallion.

Nice kid, taking care of her dad. I like her.

And here the father goes setting up the lore of the plot.

Wait, what is the difference between a stallion and a horse? Is there any?

Did she just insinuate that humans getting eaten by horses was a likely scenario?

Oh, she is the poor, kindhearted girl - and here come the spoiled rich kids. Figures.

I usually give the character names, since I keep forgetting their real names - wonder what fits this time.

And now Blondy McRich is upsetting the horse that her father bought for her - and Blondy McRich is getting even more upset in return.

Kind Girl (yep, that's what I'll be calling the main character) is comforting the horse and Blondy McRich has to come spoil it by in the same breath calling Kind Girl poor, just a stable girl, and using the fact that Kind Girl's father is disabled as an insult. Damn, I already really hate Blondy McRich McBitch (new name for her).

Kind Father is comforting his daughter. This is kinda moving and heartwarming. ;'-)

A mystic horse sound (that's the name for those again - whinnies?) from the ominous forest - then almost immediately followed by flashbacks. This is like the scene from Labyrinth (1986) right before the magical creatures start popping up in the young, innocent, unsuspecting girl's life.

And now the flashback turned into a daydream - and... something else.

Kind Girl apparently gets up at 05:00 every day to take care of her disabled father and their home. Admirable in a both heartwarming and heartbreaking way.

And, yes, Kind Girl even goes to work on Christmas day in order to earn money to take care of herself and her father. Unrealistic? Unfortunately not.

Then she meets the magical horse.

She is able to talk to that horse quite well - and... it seems to... talk back?

"Don't talk to strangers" in this movie is apparently "don't get on strange horses".

Kind Girl gets on Magic Horse - which then rides (gallops?) off with her. Is this where they cross over into the alternate universe where magic is real? (No idea if that's actually the plot - but it just feel a whole damn lot like it.)

Yep, alternate universe (where it isn't winter).

The only aspect of this movie that so far has surprised me was that Blondy McBitch had the audacity to insult Kind Girl by calling her father a "cripple". That was uncool and unexpected. As for the rest so far, comfortable predictable.

Hah! Second surprise of the movie - Kind Girl just made a global warming joke about her journey from our universe to the warmer (fantasy?) universe that she apparently traveled to. By the way, she is taking this whole change of scenery pretty damn well.

This is the second Netflix movie/series about a teenage girl and her friendship with a horse I've watched this week (1st was Free Rein). Don't judge. :-P

I, an adult who is afraid of horses, am quite impressed by this small child's ability to be so calm and comfortable around and on that giant beast of a horse. Maybe that's why I'm watching these movie/series on Netflix? To admire bravery.

Wall-paintings that are alive - in the Harry Potter kind of way. And they are hinting at Kind Girl being some kind of special girl / chosen one - with there probably being a prophecy about her too later on.

Did Magic Horse just turn into that weird looking old guy? Oh, I forgot - Kind Farther told her earlier that this was going to happen (indirectly, but still).

Magic Dude (aka. Magic Horse's human form?) is throwing around a whole lot of big words, magic names, and backstory mumbo jumbo. If this was a "take a shot every time your hear a new fantasy phrase" drinking game, this single scene would take down most people. 'Cause, damn - that's a lot of fantasy terms thrown out there for one scene. <downs glass of champagne (not really - bubbles are difficult to down)>

I actually think there's an average of 2 new fantasy terms per sentence in this monologue. WTF?!?!

Hah! Now I get why she wasn't freaking about before. :-) She just NOW realized that she is in an alternate universe - and is proper WTF-ing at the realization.

Magic Lady is trying to threaten Kind Girl - but Kind Girl doesn't get that that magic stick can is supposed to threaten her.

Wait, Magic Horse is not Albion from the title of this movie? It's name is... eh... I already forgot. This is why I give the characters names myself.

Magic Lady snarky as fuck. Lady McSnark it is!

Wait, that landscape CGI scene was way off - unless that horse is like 30 meters tall and runs hundreds of km/h.

Wait, is that the girl from Brave?

Introducing Old White Guy. The villain, right?

"It is just a flesh-wound" says the guy who is missing a finger.

This scene is pure Monty Python. Wait, is John Cleese?

Ew. Old White Guy just ate a finger.

Wait, Brave McSnark (new name) is some magical creature that lives under the ground?

Brave McSnark just used like 5 different adjectives to describe why she was chosen of all the Earth People (I instantly forgot what the movie is calling them) - and none of the words were "brave". Come on, movie, you could have least have given me that.

The snark is strong with this one (you know who).

Sigh. Enters this guy who apparently cares more about his look (especially his hair) than anything else. Vain Dudebro, it is.

What, is that guy a tree?

Aww. Brave McSnark's friends have died and their corpses are turning into trees. Kinda brutal for a kids movie.

I have heard those background sounds before in some other fantasy movie - I just can't put my finger on where. Labyrinth? Holy Grail? The Princess Bride?

Finally! Kind Girl comments "seriously?!?!" when another stupid over-dramatic fantasy term is used. Even she has enough of this by now. (Also, I'm pretty sure it was ad-lipped - because she seemingly said it without moving her lips).

Vain Dudebro is damn vain - like that is pretty much all of his character traits - vain, vain, and... wait for it... vain.

Not the first of Kind Girl's visions - but this one is way more coherent that any so far.

Vain Dudebro is even vain on behalf of others.

Ha ha! Vain Dudebro faints at the sight of blood - a single drop of blood.

Brave McSnark is still snarky as fuck. I love it.

And there is the actress who play the main character ("The Savior" - hah!) on that ABC Show about magical worlds. Fitting.

Oh, it's Magical Clone Club. :-)

I like #MagicalCloneClub - they are fun. They even have a crazy Helena - with crazy hair.

Why are they singing?

I like how the most scared Kind Girl, Brave McSnark, and Vain Dudebro have been so far is when the crazy clone ladies started singing.

STOP WITH ALL THE LORE NONSENSE TALK! I have had enough with your magic terms and insights into a seemingly giant magical backstory.

They are using a ram to break open a magical portal? Even by the most obscure magical laws, that doesn't seem to fit.

Kind Girl and Brave McSnark are kinda effective and awesome together. What I don't get is why Vain Dudebro is here. He has been of zero purpose so far and is only getting in the way. (Yes, I know he is "the romantic subplot" - but FUCK THAT, 'cause this would have been a better movie without it/him).

Usually when you open a grave to find a magical item that the corpse was buried with, you don't expect the corpse to jump up and run away with the magical item. o.O

Kind Girl almost just said "what the fuck". :-)

Usually, when a man meets a magical horse in the forest, it is the horse that has a horn sticking out of it's forehead - and not the man. Not this time (also, the "horn" is a wooden branch penetrating the skull of the man - eww).

Kind Girl: "What should we call you?"
Undead Dude: "My friends call me Gally."
Kind Girl: "Okay, Gally."
Undead Dude: "BUT YOU ARE NOT MY FRIENDS!!!"
<awkward silence>

What? Undead Dude is realizing that Magic Horse is his brother?!?!?

In the middle of a giant monologue about different ways Undead Dude has been killed was "squashed by an EXTREMELY fat cow". That made me laugh.

This movie is making me miss the series with slightly similar characters, with the stuck-up elver princess girl, the bisexual rogue girl, and that boring blonde dude. I wonder when it will be back.

<pauses because I'm running out of alcohol - mostly because I only bought one bottle of champagne that I, for some reason, thought would be enough - so I'm heading out to buy another bottle of something good>

<15 minutes later - back with another bottle of champagne - movie unpause>

Wait, did I stop the movie in the middle of a big heroic monologue by Kind Girl? I'm sorry, girl, you don't deserve this level of disrespect.

Aw. Kind Girl's monologue was so moving that the undead dude is crying. :'-)

Wait, Kind Girl's name is Eevee? As the Pokemon?

I like this kind of deal - a favor for being one's friend.

Brave McSnark instantly shutting down Kind Girl referring to Vain Dudebro as Brave's "boyfriend" by calling him a fungus instead. Though, a fungus Brave McSnark isn't quite sure she want to be cured off just yet. ;-D

A child telling the adults to save themselves while being attacked by evil emo-looking guys.

Wait, is Kind Girl Native American? That would explain a few things. I didn't realize until now because her father was a white, white dude.

Apparently the emo guys can talk with each other telepathically.

Wow. Kind Girls speaks the truth. She is everything a hero should be in a movie like this.

YEAH! (I actually yelled that out loud) - Brave McSnark to the rescue.

Noooooooooo!!!!!!!!

No, it can't be. :'-(

All alone again, Kind Girl is.

Here's whatever-I-called-the-man-version-of-Magic-Horse-before and Kind Girl left only.

Ohh! "The Book of Healing" saved her! Yes!!! (Stupid name, but it saved Brave McSnark's life, so I'll let it go.)

The Queen? Who?

What? The Queen is Grace from Will & Grace? Well, actually, makes sense. Go on, movie.

This might be the first time in this whole movie I've heard any character praise Kind Girl. About goddamn time! She is amazing.

WHAT?!?!?

The white woman is the mother of the Native American girl whose farther is also white? Now you certainly can't blame me for not noticing she wasn't white until halfway through the movie, since the people involved in the movie didn't notice either.

Ah, come one. Another "story-time" sequence? I know there is a giant universe around the story, but can't you just like... tell the story of what happens... without giving us a full history lesson on everything that happened in the thousands of years leading up to this one story-line? I hate when movies/series do this kind of shit.

<SARCASM> Of course the amazing, young, brave, wise child has to be royalty, because an ordinary stable girl with the same traits and an ordinary disabled farther and an ordinary absent/dead mother wouldn't obviously be able to do these things. </SARCASM>
This is the same bullshit we see over and over and over again. From the bottom of my heart: FUCK THIS SHIT!!!

Now The Queen is singing. Argh.

I like my version of this movie better. The Native American Kind Girl travels to the other realm and befriends the good people her path crossed and then saves the day somehow, mostly because she is kind, wise, brave, and trusts nature and animals - and not because of her bloodline, because that shit actually on screen is too much of usual "THE CHOSEN ONE" bullshit. FUCK THAT!

Okay, Vain Dudebro is actually good for something. Making a speech about how the most dramatic thing to do would be to beat in the face of someone as beautiful as him, thereby trying to extend the life of Brave McSnark for a little while longer. Bravo, dude, you do offer something to the group - a punching back. (Not even sure whether that is sarcasm or not. Oh well.)

I didn't mention this before but I somehow feel like the girl who is serving food to Old White Guy is somehow on the good side. We haven't seen her face, seen her move or anything - but the way she stand there with a plate of food, just makes me think that she must be one of the good guys.
[Post movie comment: Well, that was all she did on screen - stand here. Though, deeper theory here: The Old White Guy was having numerous visible deceases (and presumably several hidden ones as well) - which none of the people working in his palace/castle/house had. This means he was probably exposed to something poisonous that the rest wasn't. Who, out of the 20+ guys and the 1 girl, whereof the girl was the only one serving his food, would have the opportunity to gradually poison his food to weaken him enough for Kind Girl and Brave McSnark to defeat him later on? I guess we'll never know. ;-) ]

Okay, I'm still damn impressed by how calm Kind Girl is alongside that giant beast of a horse that is Magic Horse. No CGI, just a child being comfortable around a horse - which amazes me more than anything else in this movie.

Heh. Kind Girl is about to rescue Brace McSnark and Vain Dudebro - but she stops doing so when she sees that they are kinda in a romantic scene, which she want to let play out because they are her OTP after all.

Side note (right before romantic monologue): This Vain Dudebro is vain, self-serving, stupid, insulting (he told Brace McSnark she wasn't as pretty as him at least 4 times with 1 minute), useless, and overall a pretty damn weak character. He doesn't deserve the love of Brave McSnark, who is amazing. Friendship, sure - but unless she digs him for some other reason, I think he should just piss off.

Shit, I actually know a guy like this.

Side note (right after romantic monologue - yes, it was that long): He is still shit, but at least he is dedicated and honest. Seeing all the other men in this realm, I can see how it is difficult for a straight girl to do better than "stupid but honest". I accept it.

Kind Girl just confirmed that Brave McSnark and Vain Dudebro is her OTP.

Vain Dudebro just did his first single useful thing. Everyone stopped and looked surprised (even him) for a solid 10 seconds. That's what I like to see.

Worst disguise ever! And then you goes on to almost reenact the "Knights who say Ni" scene in order to avoid attention? What? (Side note: I love this! It's Spaceballs, Monty Python, and The Princes Bride all rolled up into one single stupid movie that isn't actually a parody, but isn't far off either.)

Guard who actually cut off his finger into the stew later served to Old White Guy (who ate the finger) is crying because he is feeling insecure and confused as to why Old White Guy doesn't like him. I am not sure how to feel about this.

Wait, that worked?

"What few people realize is that once you've lived in the rectum of a whale for a few weeks..." - Yep, I don't care about what the rest of that sentence is, because that is a brilliant starter that can only be followed by disappointment.

Amazing burn! Kind Girl just called Old White Guy "Jabba" and everyone seemed shocked, even though they didn't understand what she was saying.

I think I've seen this movie before - inside of a Mel Brookes movie. :-P

That's how it should be - Vain Dudebro tries to play hero, hurts himself, and gets rescued by Brave McSnark, the real hero.

I honestly have no idea what the fuck is going on plot-wise here - but Kind Girl is definitely the hero and Old White Guy is definitely the villain. Other than that, I can't tell you what is going on.

Who are all these people, emerging from caves like the clones in The Island?

Wait, they didn't stop to explain anything and now all the good guys are somewhere else and celebrating the victory of whatever they did. (Nonsense, the movie and my reaction to it.)

The Queen has beautiful eyes, but I still have no idea what she is saying about the whole magical plot-line that I never actually understood.

Wait, no. Did Kind Girl just leave all the other (mostly Brave McSnark) behind on her journey to find a wormhole to get back to her own universe? She could at least have given her a hug goodbye. I really liked that friendship.

Snow. Kind Girl is back home. ;-( Yes, this is sad - Brave McSnark isn't here, so Kind Girl is once again alone and everything sucks. This can't be it. Please.

Shit! The portal was down at the bottom of a lake. Lake + winter = ICE! She is trapped.

Telepathic, young one is.

FUCK YEAH! Brave McSnark came back with Kind Girl to be her friend. YES! This is the kind of ending I love. Friendship between girls cross dimensions while everything else is just noise. FUCK YEAH! GO FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN GIRLS!!! FUCK YEAH!!!

P.S. Who/what the fuck is Albion?

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(List of all my ramblings at reviews.reschat.com)
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