Watching the New Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Rambling
I have dreaded the idea of watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) since I first heard of it - partly due to me loving (LOVING!) the 1990 adaptation, but mostly because the new adaptation was produced Michael Bay. Well, tonight I got drunk and decided it finally was time to give it a shot; though not without me commenting on it with another round of my rambling stream of consciousness.

+Lina Witzner and +Scott Cramer, this might be of interest to you; not the movie, but my commentary.

Here we go...

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Why am I doing this?

Oh no, what am I getting myself into here?

Shut the fuck up, voice-over. You shouldn't talk about the plot as it is the most epic thing ever.

This is so fucking pretentious that half would still be too much.

Wait, why is Megan Fox working with Michael Bay again? Hadn't she had enough of his abuse and sexist directing?
[Post-movie note: Apparently someone else directed, and Bay only produced the movie.]

No! You don't make a character "smart" by making her use big words - just so that you can say she isn't a flat character who's just there to look pretty. Are we really going to have to do this all over again?

At least it looks like both the actress and the character are hating this as much as I am.

Is this a SNL sketch? Oh, if only.

Nice touch with the bike helmet tough.

Sponsored by Skype!

I do like the way this story is driven by April's journalistic ambition so far. It is an appropriate touch to a movie I expect to suck ass big time.

And then there were turtles - apparently with super strength.

Superman? Wait, are TMNT DC or Marvel?

No, no. Those ropes are the opposite of tight. Someone doesn't know their knots.

Again with the big talk about the turtles. Stop hyping the reveal so fucking much!

Villain with his big words and overshadowing self-importance. Stop it!

Please don't say "sack" that much. Four times in a single sentence is kind of going overboard.

Oh no. Now April's father is part of the main plot. WHY?!?! ARGH!!!

That scene was weird - but at least it had a meme reference so malplaced that it made me smile.

Hmm, not as terrible action scene as I had expected. They kept it short; I liked that.

Ok, this is definitely DC Comics.

Why do the turtle look like roadents?

SHE SAID!!! Well, kind of.

Those turtle look horrific.

Interesting development though. No, self, everything does not need to be connected. Shame on drunk me for liking that story trope.

NO! NO! NO! That's not correct.

NO!!! The turtles were NOT April's childhood pets!

Damn, Splinter is ugly.

At least there's no Bing product placement despite Microsoft sponsoring the movie. Google FTW!

Talking about something being the epic stuff of legends that could not possibly exist is okay with me in this specific instance since they are talking about pizza.

Did they just insinuate that Michael Bay is stupid? That is a notion I can get behind.

Quoting the 80s/90s TMNT theme song is another notion I can get behind.

Wait, the X-Men school? No, wrong universe.

Another backstory. Why are you doing this to me?

No, the dark ages didn't start because of a poisoned well. Sigh.

Why do you feel the need to explain the green slime's origin and purpose? Why? Everything does not need to be laid out right in front of us in order for us to enjoy something.

These guys are not black-backing anyone; they are pink-backing them - and with a smiley drawn on the pink back!

Why is it that we nowadays use CGI that looks worse than the puppets from the 90s? This is not right.

Argh! More of this wannabe epic stuff. Please stop it.

Splinter was cute before he mutated. Now he just looks like some kind of demon.

Argh! I hate this backstory. IT IS COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY AND STUPID!!!

Stop feeling like you have to tell every single detail of how every single thing came to be!

Movie, you need to stop trying to be so epic and instead just have fun. If you did, you would be a 100x better movie.

No... :'-( Why is the writing so fucking stupid? It makes me sad.

Apparently the Sack is the villain. Sack & Shredder; sounds painful.

This looks like video game CGI. Sigh.

So much Bay action. Sigh.

There's very few scenes in movies that deserve this kind of epic music. That was clearly not one of them.

This is a prime example of the bad guys needing to learn a thing or two about double tap as well.

This so-called "scientist" doesn't understand one of the most basic aspects of blood.

At least I like the comic relief guy.

Why are the pillars wrapped in foil?

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA RABBITS!!! Now that's a movie I would watch.

Villains and their big speeches about their evil plans for world domination.

That was not mahogony.

This is stupid.

Why did that plastic shatter as glass?

How? But more importantly: WHY?!?!?

All of this feels like something I've seen countless times before.

Someone actually spent days, if not weeks, creating this scene. I feel so bad for these people.

I correctly predicted a COWABONGA with seconds precision!

Wait, how heavy are these turtles? Because the weight of two of them just made a steel pillar crumble that normally can hold at least 10 tons.

The destruction of <insert city here> is sponsored by Toshiba and AT&T.

Another pop-culture reference. Not too bad.

How much heart-to-heart is it possible to get when falling from the top of a skyscraper?

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

Solar-powered vehicle for the vigilantes who only get out at night. Yes, that makes sense.

No, that was not funny - just stupid.

"Imagine Me & You". Okay, some things are always going to get me.

Finally it is over - and, no surprise, I hate the credits music.

The overall thing I want to say to this movie: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! Sigh.

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(List of all my reviews and ramblings at reviews.reschat.com)
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