Barely Lethal Ramblings
A few minutes ago I realized that the first time I watched Barely Lethal (2015) I did so without writing down my rambling stream of consciousness throughout the movie - and what I posted was instead "just" a review (goo.gl/OcybDs). Now, that needs to change. So here it is - a Barely Lethal rambling stream of consciousness.

Here we go...

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Oohh, I hope this is as good as I remember.

Pink title text. Yeah!

Brutal and cute intro animations. Yeah!

A villain with a yard named "SS Money". :-P

No, this is not supposed to be an Apple phone. See, it obviously has a pineapple logo. Nothing to do with Apple. /s

This again? Samuel L Jackson is even worse than Big Daddy (or whatever the dad was called in Kick-ass).

Sansa vs True Grit girl in a karate fight. Badass!

Secretly sneaking in '90s and early '00s pop culture into the child assassin program. ADORABLE!!!

Sansa is not happy to be the B team.

Fuck! If it wasn't so ridiculously hilarious, it would be tragic. These are kids, for fuck sake! Don't tell them to murder people.

This is utterly and completely the same shit as 007 or Mission Impossible guy does - except for the misogyny and macho-bullshit.

This kind of narrative storytelling reminds me of something - I just don't know what.

My first audible "awww". I'm sure it won't be the last

DOVE! Hell yes!

Ohh, that's Satan's therapist. I knew she looked familiar.

This new family dinner is ADORABLE!

Dove has some good comebacks.

Yes, I once again have trouble remembering the character names, so I'll just stick with calling them True Grit, Sansa, Dove, Samuel L Jackson, and Satan's therapist for now. If you've read any of my other ramblings, this shouldn't come as a surprise to you.

What? What decade does she think it is?

Why did the principle use the phrase "student with nuts in their mouth"?

Friendly guy is friendly. I like him.

"All the way from exotic... oh, come on man... Canada? For real?"

She's from Virgina? Or Vagina?

Those guys are fucking rude.

That's terrible riming - though he kind of rescued the situation, so I guess I shouldn't critic his riming skills too much.

Is it just me or does a lot of these high school students look like they are in their mid twenties?

First Mean Girls reference (that I caught) - by actually mentioning Mean Girls.

Yeah! That guy! Cool.

Bad puns all over the place.

So many puns - so bad.

What high school student goes around singing to himself in the halls?

Are those the evil women?

What? She don't want the "popular" boy because she is vegan? Is vegan slang for lesbian?

Sigh. The popular band is called "Emoticon".

What does "totem-pole" mean in the high school context?

Badass with an axe... trying out to be the school mascot...? What?

Shit. The organisation knows where she is.

Teacher joking about the secret teenage assassin being a teenage assassin. If only he knew.

Okay, maybe just high school bullshit - not super secret assassin organisation bullshit.

Hottie bascotty? What? That father of a teenage boy is trying way too hard to connect with his son.

Teenager who has been blocked off from any kind of real social interaction for all her life suddenly is overwhelmed by the real world. Big surprise. /s

Why does Alba look the same as she did when she was 17?

Samuel L Jackson is delusional - and Alba is hitting the nail on the head.

Alba flirting with Sansa - or sending secret messages?

That dude again. What the fuck is up with you?

Was that YouTube video playing on your phone - while you had it in your back pocket?

Damn, Dove got some good comebacks. Kind of complex comebacks - but damn clever ones.

That's the worst - but hopefully not accurate - nickname ever. Rape-it-Ralph. No... Just no...

I don't get more than half the slang these kids use.

Dove strikes again! Damn, what an expression - both verbally and facially (if that makes any sense).

Come on, True Grit - realize what Dove is feeling and how you can help.

Old trope - though now once again hilarious due to the absurdity of the context.

I'm glad that the friendly guy is having way more sincere conversations with True Grit than pop star guy has - if you can even refer to pop star boy's combinations of words as sentences.

Speak of the devil; fuck that guy. Or perhaps not. I don't actually think he's done anything bad yet. I just hate him, all the same.

Damn - girl knows her counter terrorism strategies.

I don't understand half the things this guy is saying. I think it is supposed to be like American teenage slang - but I don't know any of it.

OOOH! KING IS HERE! In real life her kid is named after herself and Jedi knights. King is king!

Real talk time. Shit, she admits the obvious. Samuel L Jackson IS THE BAD GUY!!!

Is it just me or does the symbol on Samuel L Jackson's hat look a whole lot like the Dharma symbol from Lost?

Truth serum or drunk? Heck, is there a difference?

"Shut up and grab her ankles" is always an interesting thing to yell at your little brother, while an unconscious teenage assassin is lying on your porch.

Satan's therapist and Dove have the most fucked up conversations - with so much energy!

High school party time. Why are these kids drinking? Isn't this the USA?

DAMN! SANSA IS HERE!

How can anyone think it isn't important which Hemsworth you are friends with? One of them is Thor for fuck's sake.

That is an interesting situation. Drunk pre-frat boy dressed as a stereotypical Scottish freedom fighter, sitting drunk in an empty bathtub, - and Dove, the way-too-good-at-comebacks girl, who despise everything cliche and stereotypical - having an honest conversation. Hmm.

Heart-to-heart in bathtub? Nope, just showcasing acting talents. Meh.

Drunk Dove is the opposite of charming. I guess that is what happens when kids drink tequila.

<Pause> Let me set the scene. Dove is passed out drunk at a high school party and True Grit is getting invited to leave Dove passed out and go hang out with the popular guy instead. This is one of those situations that tell whether a character is a decent human being or not so much. Let's see what happens... <unpause>

SHIT! FUCK! DAMN! Screw you, True Grit! (Guess which choice she made). At least no one took advance of the passed out teenage girl too badly. Argh, even that sentence sounds fucking terrible - because that is what the situation was! Though, let me put your mind at ease - all that happened to her, was that she got a penis drawn on her face (we've all been there - waking up with a drawn penis on our face).

I'm a bit concerned about how not serious this family is taking this. Yes, it is funny that Dove is sitting around, responding to questions about how to act in church, while she got a penis drawn on her face - but the situation the night before was fucked up, and shouldn't have happened. Anyway, on with the movie.

Samuel L Jackson - the school bus driver, with a huge fake mustache.

When mentioning what is important, True Grit's priority (now) goes like this: 1) Dove. 2) Friendly guy. 3) Stereotypical pop boy. I hope this priority continues.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Dove just used "Ringwald" as a reference. That's some solid classic pop culture reference.

Damn! The amazing comments continues. Dove seriously got the best lines in this movie - by far. (And Dove delivers them flawlessly.)

Admitting the truth in the middle of a car chase in order to calm down teenager. Didn't work - teenager screams and throws up.

If you go directly to check the pulse of someone hurt instead of in any other way seeing if they are okay, you might have too much experience with life or death situations. Just saying.

People who haven't paid close attention might think that Kesha was the evil assassin for a moment there. :-)

Once again, this whole "children as secret agents" business is presented as a humorous thing, while it is in fact scary as hell.

Aw. Now Dove understands what True Grit wants and she welcomes and embraces it. Awwwww.

Dove once again got the best lines. It is a wonder how in a movie about teenage assassins, a normal teenage girl is the most interesting and insightful character.

And again. Damn, Dove has one expressive face.

Makeover sequence? Okay.

True Grit and Dove heart-to-heart - in the most teenage way. I like this.

Why am I laughing? They are talking about murdering people - but making it sound like they are talking about having sex.

I love that Dove and True Grit are like sisters now. Girl power all the way!

Satan's therapist pretty much saying she will... well, I can't even write that. Though, the teenage boys wouldn't like it - or at least I assume they wouldn't.

The pop star doesn't get puns. Okay. Okay. Sigh.

Oh, she calls him the "rock star" (not pop star). And the primary reason why she doesn't like him is that he doesn't get puns. What the hell is this universe?

Okay, from the expression on Dove's face, she instantly knows that that girl (Sansa) is another secret assassin.

I "like" how picking up a knife in movies always makes a specific audible sound that everyone knows.

And apparently you can hear the knife move through the air. Really?

Oh, no - Dove is there. Sansa is going to kill her. :-o

"Stabbing people is fun! Is there gonna be more people to stab?" - Dove

"Attachments" is such an ugly word for "people you care about".

Wait, did Alba just admit that she is a "psycho bitch"?

Too many cuts in this girl-on-girl fight.

I still don't agree with True Grit about Samuel L Jackson being a good guy. He is the downright worst person in the whole movie - without a doubt.

"Big gesture" - landing a helicopter on the highway. Eh?

Ending on a bad CGI scene and a bad voice-over comment? Really? Come on!

This movie was full of perfect examples of how fucked up relationships are where one person has way more power over the other; and they only addressed it through the perspective of the "villain". Not cool.

... (credits)

Ooh... More.

Sansa is getting ready for college. Yas!
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(List of all my reviews and ramblings at reviews.reschat.com)

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