Watching Kite and Rambling
Three minutes into the movie Kite (2014) I thought to myself "this is so bad that I need to ramble"; so we have another round of me watching a movie and writing down my rambling stream of consciousness.

Here we go...

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I frankly have no idea what this is going to be.

Dramatic music - for the production company sequences. Kind of cheesy.

That is some very pink hair.

How can the acting be this bad this early?

Ew; he is licking that child's face.

Wait - she's Hit Girl?

Oh, and a cheesy one-liner; figures.

WHAT? Brain matter all over the place.

I do like the color scheme, however.

Was that a Mirror's Edge/Assassin Creed crossover reference? Nah, must be the beer talking.

Oh, voice-over to explain the plot.

That was the intro sequence. This looks to be a terribly bad movie... that I might end up enjoying.

SAMUEL L JACKSON?!?!? What is he doing in this?

This is so bad dialogue that it has to be on purpose. Is this another what's-the-name, the Homeless-Guy-Who-Kills-Everyone, movie?

Again, the visuals aren't half bad. Someone knows how to work their cameras and colors.

Shit; this is abuse on so many levels. It is Hit Girl and Big Daddy all over again.

Another great color scheme; at least they know how to do that.

Wait, is he faking that British accent?

Not a bad suit, however.

Is that a Parker pen up his nose?

What the hell is that bodyguard wearing on his head? A Hawaii-shirt-safari-fedora?

I feel bad for this child actress. This is downright disgusting.

I am reminded of Selena Gomez in the behind-the-scenes of Spring Breakers. That was some truly heartbreaking stuff.

Okay okay okay! Dildo-gun. Verdict: Awesome!

They are truly going too far with this "what if Hit Girl was sexy" concept. SHE'S A CHILD, YOU DISGUSTING PERVERTS!!!

Argh, another beautiful colorized shot. Some things they do know how to do...

... even if something still is seriously wrong with the people who made this movie.

More cheesy lines. Bah!

The score of this movie is SO FUCKING BAD!

Oh, the abuser doesn't care about the child he is abusing. What a surprise. /s

Wait, wait, wait - is this a "what if Big Daddy's former partner was as bad a Big Daddy" fan-fic?

No. Not pigtails and a miniskirt. THIS IS NOT OKAY!

Nasty scene and I'm just sitting here admiring the lighting, scenography, and color scheme. What is wrong with me?

That scene didn't make sense.

This guy takes way too long pauses between every few words.

What is "a numbers killing"?

Ah fuck, there's an hour left of this movie.

Well, I didn't hate that scene.

Music still crap.

That actor looks very familiar.

There's actually some interesting points about abused children underneath all the bullshit.

This is "Book of Eli" kind of beautiful scenography - but with crap writing.

Is that guy's lines added in post? They seem slightly off in level, sync, and acoustics.

My fridge just made a weird sound. I think I'm not the only one in this room annoyed by this movie.

This movie is shot way too beautifully considering how crap it is.

Wait, wait, wait... This could make for a great post-apocalypse game. Especially if you never saw that the character you were controlling was a child. Seeing it from the outside is what makes it so creepy.

Don't say "enhance".

You didn't say it - the impossible magic still happened. Fuck this shit.

Ah, fuck. Another great color scheme. This movie is pleasing my eyes, but hurting my brain (and not in the good way).

If I was playing a "drink every time you see child abuse" drinking game, I would be even drunker than I am.

This is one of the few times where me seeing someone being kicked in the balls brought me slightly more joy than pain. Badass kid is badass - even if she is being abused by pretty much every single other person in the movie.

She looks like John Lennon. Now that's look I can get behind.

I have never seen three action sequences in a row this predictable. Action cliches all over the place.

This is so fucking stupid. I cannot see a single good reason for bullets that explode 5 seconds AFTER they are fired, when the target is lying dead on the ground.

This movie makes me think about child abuse and Samuel L. Jackson's way of choosing which movies to be in.

Please stop having the child appear only wearing underwear, a towel, etc.

Wow, wow, wow - that was some next level video game cut scene quality stuff. I will once again say that this movie would work far better as a first-person video game.

Hold up, hold up, hold up. This is fucking beautiful. Where did she even get that red flannel shirt? Color schemes, they sure know how to do. <takes screenshot to go with this post>

Top bad guys talks too much. Yes, I get it - this is the top bad guy.

Was that a dinner course pun? I truly hope it was.

Now THAT's a meat-cleaver (if you want to split a whole big with one strike).

Head? ... HEAD!!!

Wait, that cut needed some explanation as to what happened between those two scenes.

I am honestly pleased that it seems that her godfather is actually the bad guy in all of this. Cop abusing child SHOULD be the bad guy in the story - not half-brained drug-lord.

Ah fuck. Within less than 5 seconds, enough beautiful shots were shown that I could fill up all the empty spaces on my walls. This does not fit with how shit this movie is.

Argh. You used that "this is as far as I go" line. Too cliche, even for you. (Though again, something which is said in video games over and over and over again.)

Wait, this is the big reveal? I thought this "twist" was revealed 10 minutes ago. Wasn't I meant to notice?

Bang, bang, bang. Movie over. No?

That is some solid smouldering.

And to end it all, a few more beautifully shot scenes. Fitting.

Credits - with more bad music.

- - - 

Post movie comment: Apparently that "child" was 20 years old. Looked closer to 10 to me.

(List of all my reviews and ramblings at reviews.reschat.com)
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