Giving Fantastic Four a Shot and Rambling
I had heard so much bad about Fantastic Four (2015) that I didn't think I'd ever get around to watching it. But then I heard more details about why it had turned into such atrocity, and I got curious. So now since I'm watching it, I might as well write down my rambling stream of consciousness while doing so.

Here we go...

- - - 

20th Century Fox - ah, the ones who are one of the main reasons why this happened - both the existence of the movie and how badly it turned out.

That's a shit teacher. How in the world does he not think that "scientist" is a real career?

Not a happy family. I wonder whether this is the origin story of a villain or a hero.

This kid is slightly too smart to be realistic.

Cool science.

That's a lot of N64s. I guess it takes that many to teleport a toy car to another dimension/universe/planet.

OH! It's the guy from Whiplash (aka. one of the most impressive movies I've watched in years).

They have upgraded - no more N64s.

Shit teacher is still shit.

Four people. Are these the Fantastic Four? That one guy seems kind of old.

Daughter? Hmm... Let me guess - she's adopted?

Wait, is The Invisible Woman/Girl the daughter of The Human Torch?

I like that they don't rush the story.

Oh, she has aspergers; I think. That's a nice change of paste for a superhero movie.

Why is this board of a company developing technology so ignorant towards completely valid scientific theories?

HIS NAME IS ACTUALLY DOOM!?!?! Oooh, I wonder who the villain is. /s

Wait, The Human Torch's daughter is The Invisible Woman/Girl and Dr. Doom is his son? I think I'm misunderstanding something - slang, most likely.

The end of the world in 1 sec: The story of a 12 year old's science experiment.

HAHA! Foreshadowing.

Who the fuck plans that far ahead that quickly?

No! Another son? I might have guessed wrong about who was the actual Human Torch.

Okay, whoever wrote this dialogue and plot point need to look up the word "cliché". This is as bad as it gets.

Dr. Adolf Doom? Seriously?

Okay, I got goosebumps from watching that metal cutting process. 

This is a mix of theoretical physics and experimental physics, all rolled into one. I don't think this is how it works.

Sure, mr. "I only build an interdimensional teleporter in order to get my car back from my dad".

Oh, she IS adopted. That is at least one thing I got right.

NO! Don't tell me this whole villain origin story is about just another jealous, entitled fuckboy.

WHAT?!?! You are going to test, using a monkey? That's been done before.

WHAT x 1000?!?! They didn't even send a normal camera through before sending the monkey? WTF, people?!?!?

At least the monkey didn't die.

"Waterboarding in the 4th Dimension" - Not a bad name for a <insert preferred medium here> production.

One flask, three drunk-out-of-their-minds guys. This might be the most unrealistic part of this movie so far.

Is Ben the stretchy one or the rock hard one?

Wait, only four of them? Wasn't there 4 nerds + 1 Doom?

A countdown? I don't remember a countdown.

I gotta give them one thing - interesting geographical details in the parallel universe.

That doesn't look safe to walk on.

Dr. Doom looks like Shredder.

They fucked up and are about to die. And here I am sitting, wondering how their different levels of exposure to "the energi" affect their different types and levels of powers.

Ah, so it brought the superpower catalyst with it back? Now the "absent" power makes more sense (invisibility).

Let me guess, he tries to stretch to reach his friend?

Okay, not what I expected - but close.

Area 57? Areally?

This is kind of horrific. And not even horrifically bad.

His children? Again with this guy and everyone being his offspring.

The stretchy super power is always creepy in live-action movies.

The government/company is trying to take advantage of the changed people after their accident. Typical.

1 YEAR LATER??!?!?! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? I was just beginning to get interested in where they would take this storyline.

Military advances? Sigh.

The Invisible Woman/Girl can fly?

The torch is a tool? Sue doesn't want to be.

Ben murders people for the government because they promise him they can cure him. This is sad - as is he. (There's a truly heartbreaking story in there - if they had taken the time to shine some light on it.)

So far I can probably think of at least 10 superhero movie worse than this one. Not because this one is good - but, heck, they have done way worse before.

Okay, I like that guy. He is cool.

Ah, that's him. I kinda suspected that.

Dude, you are too late to save your friend. He got forced to kill 70+ people; he is no longer who he used to be; he is sad; and understandably so.

Is his beard painted on? It looks weird.

One thing. Answering the question "does it hurt" with "I'm used to it" is heartbreaking - bad superhero movie or not.

Ben is sad.

Ben's story is always sad - and the movies never truly acknowledge that. I want a movie ONLY about Be; not a superhero movie - just a heartbreakingly beautiful tragedy about Ben's story.

BAD DIALOGUE!!! Cliché as fuck. Whoever wrote this deserves to retake primary school.

No. Please tell me what I think is about to happen isn't about to happen.

Argh! 10 minutes to do what the others have attempted to do, while reverse engineering it, for a year? This is shit.

Expected.

I didn't ask this before - but why is the company board business guy in the front all the time?

Dr. Doom looks... eh... bad.

I am impressed by his powers though.

He looks even more terrible (and not in the impressive way) when he is using his powers.

Wait, a minute. I just realized that if this exact scene had had a normal person - or, even better, a child - stand in for Dr. Doom, it would have been 1000x times more horrifying, intriguing, and interesting. But no. It is just plain bad.

A superhero movie truly lives or dies in direct relation to how well the villain is done. And this one? Sigh.

All of this is way too sudden - and extremely badly written and executed.

Rushed. All of this is rushed way beyond common sense.

Okay, okay, okay. This is absofuckinglutely terrible.

CGI Sue? Really? Who made this decision?

I do however really, really like the concept with superheroes being in extreme pain every time they use their powers. It adds a relevant and intriguing dimension to the whole superhero genre.

This all happened way too quickly with no prelude. Terrible.

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Bad writing! And cliché editing!

The end. Fucking last 20ish minutes ruined the damn thing.

Though not anywhere near as bad as I had expected.

Still - sigh.

- - -

(List of all my reviews and ramblings at reviews.reschat.com)
Shared publiclyView activity
Related Collections