Watching Descendants and Rambling
I'm pretty sure it was right after watching Barely Lethal (my review: goo.gl/OcybDs) that I learned about the existance of the Disney TV-movie Descendants (2015) and was instantly intrigued. So, since I'm drunk and about to watch a Disney Channel Original Movie about the children of Disney villains and "heroes" (if that is what it is about), then I think I should make this another installment of my rambling streams of consciousness posts.

Here we go...

- - -

Woohoo. A Disney Channel Original Movie. How exciting. (I might sound sarcastic - but I am honestly excited for this.)

Did she just swipe on that iPad with her foot? What kind of logo is that?

Also, the thorns on the D-apple looks like the tail of the devil.

Wait, Bell is the same woman who plays the Good Fairy on Once Upon a Time? Connected universe my ass.

What!?!? This is a kind of depressing start to a story. "The good king imprisoned all people related to the couple of bad people - and their descendants... forever!". Fuck you, Disney "good guy".

For my last comment I actually looked up what general term was for one's children, grandchildren, etc. Apparently the name of the movie was the answer. :-)

Is that the Video Game High School logo?

Wait, did "the king" just say he wanted to fuck a teapot?

Okay, that kid is not the child of those two people. Genetics.

This is overdramatic - and I'm laughing my ass off.

Kid is right. King Daddy is a douche - who has been punishing kids who weren't even born when their parents committed the crimes for which their entire bloodline are punished.

Wait, singing? Is this a musical? :-)

Kudos to the custom designer.

No kudos to the composer. What kind of genre is this even supposed to be? Electric, house musical song with kids?

And here comes the "dubstep", just when I thought it couldn't get worse.

Shit. This is terrible. STOP THE MUSIC!

Who wrote this? It is... unspeakably stereotypical and fresh at the same time. Writer, hit me up and I'll buy you a beer or 10 (real offer).

This reminds me of Sky High in a very good way (well, except for the pure shit musical number).

SO MUCH PURPLE!!! A few of my friends would approve (and I do too).

Maleficent (Kristin Chenoweth) and daughter (Dove Cameron) act better than the script allows.

Shit, and those two might be the only two good ones (actors that it - the characters steal candy from children, literally).

Snappy writing - only working because of one or two good actresses.

I feel like that CGI was terrible on purpose. Or at least I hope so.

Line, terribly weird. Deliverance, perfect. Me, almost falling off my chair laughing.

Wow. Is the Fairy God Mother deliberately twisting the evil one's words to change the subject from being about the haves and have-nots to being about... eh... something else?

Shit, that line couldn't have been more fake... on paper - but she delivered it so sincere that I truly believe she doesn't have any bad blood towards the daughter of the women who (allegedly) tried to kill her parents.

I like this kind of character writing. No, they are not superficial, just acting that way.

Not stupid. I like that in characters.

Wait, is Cruella Deville's son playing a videogame using two vibrators as controllers? The future of tools with multiple applications sure isn't far away.

Perfect "computer, zoom out" moment - <shows Earth from space>

So far the plot would have been 100 % the same without 3 of the 4 main characters. No wonder I like the one main character way more than the other 3 - she is the only one who does anything.

Ooh, a new song. So far definitely better than the first one.

Kristin Chenoweth sure know her theatrics. I'm rocking along in my chair to the music.

Okay, this movie might have the potential to be halfway the masterpiece that Enchanced was.

I'm beginning to question whether the actress who plays the main character is actually a person, because she simply embodies her character way too well. Too well for this kind of movie at least.

Subtle Star Wars reference? Very, very, very subtle.

Okay, I need to mention this classroom question:
"If someone hands you a crying baby, do you:
A) Curse it?
B) Lock it in a tower?
C) Give it a bottle?
D) CARVE OUT ITS HEART?
Solution: Pick the one that doesn't sound like any fun ("C").

Again with the fucking "dubstep".

Holy fucking shit - Maleficent's daughter got a cool ass locker - while all the rest are exactly the same bland color. This fully represents how I feel about the acting and characters so far.

Okay, I was wrong about Sleeping Beauty's daughter. She is not a good person.

Wait, EVIL spelled backwards is LIVE?

Sound editing on point. Plings, blings, whoops, clicks, and wheeps all in the right spots for a Disney production.

Who knew that the Fairy God Mother is a Tiger Mom?

Who knew that the spawn of Maleficent would have turned out this sinister?

Cheating in physics class by using a magic mirror. Nothing new.

Who the fuck walks around with a personal business card? That reminds me, I need a personal business card.

Oh, it was just a handwritten note.

Nice reference to the original 101 Dalmatians story.

Slightly gay. I like it.

This is kind of terrible. The side characters are written for shit, while the main characters are actually written as fully 3-dimensional human beings.

Is Oregon actually that terrible?

Girl needs no boy! (Girlfriend upcoming?)

What? Mulan's daughter? Wasn't she - eh, how should I put it - not interested (at all) in the whole "romance with men" kind of thing?

I'm pausing the movie, to say one thing. This scene could be 1000x better if they had just framed it slightly different. Exactly the same scene, sames lines, everything the same; though instead of the director telling purple girl to say "argh" reluctantly in response to helping Mulan's daughter, they should have reframed that 1 sec to be reluctant but relieved that she got the opportunity. You know, the "argh" you say when someone asks you to do something you feel others would judge you for doing, but them asking is an opening for actually doing it without having to worry about what others feel? Heck, the movie did this right a few times so far, so I'm not really sure why they dropped the ball now that Mulan's daughter is in the scene. Hmm...

Step 1: Reluctant to do it.
Step 2: Does it.
Step 3: Bits lip, damn girl, you hot.

This movie has a lot of things. It still needs to be a little more gay. Heck, the colors, eyeliners, "hiding your true self" sense, and all that is already there.

Fuck yeah! She's not stupid - exactly the opposite.

Pausing again. WHAT? Four teenagers standing around discussing the molecular components of a tear, as in reference to how it will affect a magical spell. And the "stupid guy" suddenly knowing a lot more about chemistry than expected - cool. Though it would have been a lot cooler, if he still wasn't this fucking 1-dimensional piece of nothing that only has had one single relevant line of dialogue throughout this whole movie. Unpause.

Rich girl trying to explain happiness to the poor kids who have been imprisoned their entire lives.

Dark purple, moss green, pale blue, smokey black, and a hint of dark pink - that's certainly a color scheme I can embrace.

Good girl is getting worse and worse.

Once again, perfect casting for the main character.

Is this some sort of Quidditch?

Oh, it is.

Stupid. Though the commentary isn't exactly subtle about how stupid it is, so it kind of works.

Oh, main girl's name is Mal - after the mother (Maleficent).

Another song. Come on, dude - she's not interested and you're nothing special; just another white guy teenage wannabe athlete.

No. She's smiling. :-/

Fuck yeah girl to girl conversation. To paraphrase: "If she were talented like you, she wouldn't need a guy to make her feel good about herself."

What is an honor code?

More screen time does not give more character. You are still 1-dimensional. Give me anything resembling a human being and I'll start paying attention.

If you want to be subtle about character backstory, at least make the actors reflect that there's something more to their story and character.

Color schemes FTW!

Wait, why is the cheesy looking pale guy taking the (only) interesting girl to an isolated place in the middle of a forest?

Again with the acting. She knows what kind of movie she's in - and fully embraces and owns it. He... well, seems like he's in a commercial for a personal injury lawyer.

No. Stop it with trying to make 16-year olds seem "sexy".

Oh, good. Only a prelude to a musical number. And a good one - despite the video flashbacks.

I'm still not sure what the fuck she is singing about.

Well, fuck you, guy. You faked drowning so the girl, who can't swim, would try to save you, just so you could save her in return. That is douchey.

Dude, no. You don't love her. You met her like a week ago - and you have been trying to manipulate her since day one. Take a step back.

Disney villains trying to make tech work is kind of brilliant.

Fakest and most awkward video chat of all Disney time.

Ah, fuck man. The Fairy God Mother is actually feeling bad about the subtle things you probably should be feeling bad about.

Breaking what love spell?

Okay, another pause. Mal (yes, I know main girl's name now) is recognizing that even in a situation where you are the literal enemy of someone and in war with them, you still should NOT affect your enemy's control over themselves or influence their own agency. Sure, you killed their warriors, took over their lands, imprisoned their rebels, taxed their workers, and made you the overlord of all of them; though, still, taking away anyone's agency is something so foul that even your own daughter will turn on you. I'm not for anyone ruling anyone, but controlling a single human being's mind just seems that much more frightening than war in general. Unpause.

Another song; this time a sad one.

That was a short one; and now here's another - a bad one.

I don't like the "nice guy". 

Wait, what? When did Mal and "nice guy" start dating?

I honestly can't tell these white guys apart. They could have used the same actor for both parts and it would have been the same to me.

Great trick. "Mirror, mirror in my hand, who's the biggest jerk in the land?" and then turn the mirror towards the person you are talking to.

Again, when the fuck did mr. "nice guy" start having anything to do with Mal?

What? No. I truly believed that one was accepting of everyone. I guess not.

PAUSE! "All you have to do is sit there and look beautiful." says the guy to the girl. Well, I don't like the tone of your voice - or what you're saying. You are, well I don't actually know who, but she is probably the most powerful teenager in your world - and you have the audacity to say that she should just look pretty? Well, fuck you! No, she's not a prize you've won or a thing you've conquered. She is a (fucking powerful) girl, whose abilities expand way, way beyond her superficial beauty. That she ever decided to go along with your petty attempt at a relationship, I'm still confused by; but she did, and if that is deliberate I don't refute it (much). Still, a rebuttal would be nice when he says stupid shit like that. Unpause.

I may or may not have been misinterpreted the whole love storyline of this movie. Just as usual.

Movie, please don't let these two kids get married.

Best song of the movie - a church choir song in latin. Heck, I have a soft spot for the classics.

It is just now hitting me that the heir to the kingdom is marrying Mal. I... do not like this.

I'm still confused about who this guy is. He looks like all the other princy white teenage guys.

Say that again? So what makes that one guy happy is scratching other guys' bellies? Fuck yeah, man!

Oh for fuck sake. Trying to add character to the almost nonexistent characters is pitiful.

Ok, fuck these people. It' all black and white for them, nothing else. Fucked up universe.

Okay. Kristin Chenoweth is the perfect Maleficent. Angelina Jolie, go home.

Again, what is up with Dove Cameron's acting? Too good for this movie. (That is the amazing actress playing Mal.)

No. Just no. Did you watch Enchanted? This exact concept barely held up in that movie, and that was perhaps the best live-action Disney movie ever. And then now you try to do the same thing? No, it doesn't work!!! FOR FUCK SAKE!!!

This story should have ended with Mal falling for Jane - not... eh... what's-his-face.

Final musical number. Meh.

Usually I like at least one of the side character more than the main character - but in this movie not a single character except the main character had any thing of personality. Sigh.

Every single single move in this scene is in complete contrast to the character from the rest of the movie. Fuck romantic endings in comedies.

Credits. With a romantic song. I would have liked this movie 1 % more if they had chosen a Sam Smith song for the credits - but okay.

- - -

(List of all my reviews and ramblings at reviews.reschat.com)
Shared publiclyView activity
Related Collections