Precious Cargo Ramblings
For the first time ever I have a movie on my "I need to watch this movie" list with a "ramblings" note. So now when I finally have a chance to watch this movie, I feel like I need to do so while writing down my stream of consciousness. Oh, the movie is Precious Cargo (2016) - and I have absolutely no idea what kind of movie this is or why I added it to my list.

Here we go...

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Kind of a good beat during the production company sequence. Not a bad start.

Uh! I know that bearded face. So that's why I added it to the list?

So many guns - this early. And the first comment is "you're late". :-P

What?

Hehe! This is downright stupid. I like it!

I actually just stopped the movie and googled the main actor because he didn't look like I remembered him. Turns out a slightly bigger beard (and 1-2 years to his age) made him look a lot more sophisticated. I liked that older look better - now he almost look like a child in comparison. Either way - on with the movie.

Oh! And there is another reason I added this movie to my list - Badass Sniper Girl.

This movie has a TV series like intro. Why?

Several other familiar faces. I didn't know Die Hard and... eh... That Other Woman... were in this movie.

Die Hard is not a friendly man. Let me guess - he is the bad guy?

Loaning your sniper's dog in order to impress a kindhearted woman. Oh, how romantic?

That Other Woman (pregnant) walks in on Mike Lawson having sex with Kindhearted Woman - and says: "Use a condom" - and walks out.

Wait, it is the middle of the day? I thought this was a date night.

I'm renaming "That Other Woman" to "Hungry Pregnant Woman" because - damn - that woman keep stuffing chocolate cake into her face despite armed forces shooting at her.

I wonder what the "precious cargo" is that the title "Precious Cargo" refers to.

They keep bickering... while being in a boat chase... while getting shot at. Sigh.

Mike Lawson is more worried that Badass Sniper Girl's dog is okay than whether his date or the woman carrying his child are.

WOW! Regular Girl just used a gun to get a bad guy off his jet-ski - by throwing the gun. I guess, whatever works.

Side note: Either the script is really bad or the actors are. I guess the former, since I've seen most of these people do well in other stuff.

I'm still confused as to whether Mike Lawson (the main guy) is bulletproof or not. He somewhat acts like he's not.

Sending off Kindhearted Woman to a hotel while Mike Lawson and A PREGNANT WOMAN fight off the heavily armed bad guys. Yes, sure.

Heh. I kind of sense that Kindhearted Woman likes the dog more than she like her date. I kind of get that, since the dog didn't cause her to get shot at my gangsters.

Kind of friendly bodyguard is giving the hired sex objects a finance lesson? WTF?

Kind of friendly bodyguard is using extremely aggressive and threatening language while smiling and seeming friendly. I'm confused.

I'm confused by the acting of these people. IT IS TERRIBLE!!! And I know they can act - in all other shit but this.

Even Die Hard is bad at acting in this. I guess it is for sure - it is the fault of the writer(s) and director(s).

Shit. This is a bad script.

Ah! I know see why I added this to my list with a "ramblings" note. Amazing actors, ridiculous plot, and a crappy (CRAPPY!) script. Perfect to ramble at.

Badass Sniper Girl is back - playing golf (or rather attempting to).

I have a feeling about why Badass Sniper Girl is a kind of cool character compared to all the others. The crappy writer(s) wrote a male character intending to be played by a guy - and someone, along the way, cast a girl to play the role instead (without the approval of the writer). Still crappy writing - just slightly more badass than usual.

Script still bad - but at least in this scene there is some mediocre country music. Heck, you take what you can get with this movie.

Random girl walks into a bar with a pee-soaked sheet - and delivers the most believable performance of the movie so far. I don't even care anymore - I just appreciate this one acceptable scene.

Now I even more see why I was confused by Mike Lawson's look. Now, without clothes, I can see he is thinner than what I'm used to seeing him as. I know that sounded weird - but, to be fair, he looks too skinny in this movie.

I keep forgetting that in the first scene of this movie, Mike Lawson got shot in the head, point blank, and nothing happened. I'm still confused about that.

This is like the Avengers recruitment sequence - except extremely pathetic and with terrible, low-life pieces of scum instead of kind-of superheroes.

Hungry Pregnant Woman's role in their big operation (what operation?) is "staying in the bar because she is fat and pregnant". She is not happy about her role. Let me guess: She doesn't stay put?

Did Hungry Pregnant Woman just give Badass Sniper Girl the elevator look?

I almost thought this movie was doing the whole "lesbian sex scene for no reason" for a few seconds there. Though, since I suspect that Badass Sniper Girl was written as a guy, that probably explains why nothing happened.

Okay, wait. Why would that guy put small rocks into the front end of his shotgun and then put a condom on it afterwards?

Ooh... Badass Sniper Girl looking badass as fuck!

Big plan is in play. What the plan is about, I still have no fucking clue.

Ridiculous chase scene with almost all the typical cliches. Sigh.

Who the fuck transport diamonds like that?

Shit. That's kind of a surprise. Expecting something despicably gruesome and getting... eh.. whatever that was instead.

Badass Sniper Girl to the rescue.

Hmm... I watched The Accountant right before this movie (which was way, way, way, way better) - but, still, Badass Sniper Girl in this one kind of reminds me a tiny bit of main guy in The Accountant. Calm, collected, and a badass with a sniper. Admirable attributes.

Oh, no. Badass Sniper Girl is hurt. :-(

Wait, is "the bigger plan" also all about money? For the fuck sake... WHO CARES!!!

These people are ridiculous.

Okay, Badass Sniper Girl's name is "Logan" - and she is hurt and need to regenerate. Come on, Wolverine!

That's the best reaction a girl in a coma has ever had to the suggestion that some guy should kiss her while she isn't awake - with some guy saying "She is sleeping. What is she going to do?". She turns her head, opens her eyes, and says: "She'll break your fucking face, that's what she'll do." <standing ovation from me>

If I got a cellphone in a bag, with a note on it saying "hit redial" - I would have no idea what to do. Because I have no idea, how to "hit redial" on a phone.

I don't get a single thing about what is going on right now. They are trying to create some redemption story arc that ties the whole story together - but I truly don't understand it. What the hell are they rambling about?

Wait, wait, wait. The drunk, jealous girlfriend of the alcoholic driver is now on their super secret "elite" squad?

I now see what they are doing - this is like Ocean's Eleven, only way, way worse.

For fuck shake! They replaced Badass Sniper Girl with Drunk Jealous Girlfriend. And they expect me to believe that she, all of a sudden, is just an excellent marksman?

I kind of both hate and like that their plan counts on an army of mercenaries don't shooting at a guy in a speedo (and nothing else) hanging out the door of an ice cream truck.

Okay, I wasn't seeing wrong at the beginning of the movie. Mike Lawson just got shot the hell down once again... and I'm expecting him to get up in a second. Though at some point, they kind of need to explain this - as it seems a lot of the characters just kind of goes along with him being bulletproof.

What? Now the guy who shot Mike Lawson seems to know that he couldn't hurt Mike Lawson? I'm confused.

I understand nothing about what is going on right now.

They actually have it as a part of this shootout scene that whenever someone calls 911, they reach one of the bad guys in the shootout - who suddenly gets all calm and responds "we have people on the way" or some shit like that. WHY?

YAY! Badass Sniper Girl is back!

As we are nearing the end, the script is still terrible.

Best line in the movie - quoting another movie. Figures.

Mike Lawson bought a dog, instead of loaning one, in order to impress the regular girl again. Sigh.

Regular Girl is way too forgiving for Mike Lawson almost getting her killed.

Fuck! This incredibly bad writing again. Can't this movie keep an "okay" streak going?

Playing golf with a cellphone that is spewing out horrible bad clique lines. I guess that is an okay finish. Not great - just okay.

The end credits even have horizontal selfie videos... and bloopers. I kind of feel like event the editors knew this movie was shit.

Yes, this shit of a movie is over. Damn, it was terrible.

Wait, did they ever explain how the main character didn't get a scratch from the many, many times he got shot (even three times point blank - at least of which were directly to the head)? No? Terrible movie!

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(List of all my ramblings and reviews at reviews.reschat.com)
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