Let's watch The Mummy and ramble.
The new The Mummy (2017) movie is probably terrible - so I think I'm gonna watch it while drinking and writing down my rambling stream of consciousness throughout it.

Warning: Trainwreck incoming.

Here we go...

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Mentally preparing myself for a movie that's probably trying way too hard to be something it never had the potential to be. Oh well.

Universal Dark Universe. Bah!

And starting out with an ominous quote sounding all wise and dark - but really just using a lot of words to say nothing.

Is this gonna try to be Indiana Jones, Mission Impossible, and The Mummy (the good one) all at once?

London is a giant graveyard? What? Is that true?

Sigh. Of course the mummy can't be plot-wise related to the Middle East - but has to be about an English speaking country.

And yet another ominous statement with no meaning. This time presented as a voice-over instead of text on screen.

What? They are already doing a cut-away flash-back to explain the backstory of the mummy legend. It has only been <checks clock> less than 5 minutes since the movie started. Sigh.

Movies that feel the need to cut away from the story to explain the story or backstory really need to consider why they feel the need to do this - and then perhaps reconsider how to tell a story without such nonsense.

Wait, wait, wait. Is that the same actress as the one from The Mummy (the good one)? Or was it The Mummy 2?

"She made a choice to embrace evil" <shows woman opening a book/scroll>

Is this that main bad guy from the terrible DC supervillain movie about that suicide pact?

At least these scenes look visually great.

So this is a serious The Mummy. I already miss Les aventures extraordinaires d'Adèle Blanc-Sec. That was an utterly and completely amazing movie and only revolved around a mummy.

I hate this actor - and, go figure, he is the main character.

Before this I just watched a movie about World War I - and this movie has already had as much gunfire and 1/3 of the amount of explosions in <checks clock> 12 minutes. Sigh.

I just realized that this movie about MUMMIES has nothing to do with archeology - but rather the US military. Sigh.

Argh, for fuck sake. Major Douche (yep, that's now his name) is now making up lies to present himself as "manly man, conqueror of woman". Double sigh.

When the hell did archeologists (yep, one of those showed up) use expressions as "stay out of enemy hands" and only talk about potential worth of something she only looked at for less than 1 sec? Argh, this movie is bothering me more and more.

No the military leader guy is ordering Major Douche and Stupid Sidekick to go into the mummy sinkhole? None of this makes any sense and is only happening as an excuse to drive the "plot" forward.

Cool cave though.

This kinda reminds me of Escape Room Fort Wayne.

If liquid Hg is dripping from the ceiling of a cave, just breathing the air in this cave should result in some serious health issues. Wait, perhaps the rest of this movie is just these guys hallucinating? Yep, I'll go with that.

Now a lake of Hg. The vapors alone is enough for these people be seriously ill soon.

Of course there is a written warning in an ancient language.

In an ominous and worried voice the questionable archeologist says: "This is not a tomb... <way too long pause>... It's a prison" - I saw that exact line coming a mile away.

That's a trap!

Wait, Major Douche released the trap on purpose?

Those are a lot of giant, aggressive ants? Spiders?

Again, I have to admit that some of these scenes are quite beautiful.

Wait, random US military guy enchanted by The Mummy (The Entrantress)? Seen that before.

These villains (aka. US military) are just plain robbing graves of middle eastern people after invading their country.

Ah, and a sandstorm. I wonder where I've seen that before. (THE MUMMY!!!)

I know what is going to happen. They thoroughly spoiled this part of the movie in the trailer.

Close-up of woman's stomach for no reason at all. I guess this movie was missing its sex appeal and felt it had to rectify that.

Argh, for fuck sake. Now Major Douche is just plain trying to brag about his sexual conquests for no damn reason - again. Why is this in the movie?

Ah, I already fully expect this movie to think that it is making a redemption story for Major Douche in regard to the archaeologist that he tricked in bed, exploited, and stole from.

Stupid Sidekick is now a zombie. Go figure.

Giant swarm of birds, being controlled by a mummy - hmm, I wonder where I've seen that before. (THE MUMMY!!!)

Redemption happened. Still stupid plot line.

Please tell me Major Douche died. That would make the rest of the movie so much better.

Fuck! He did die - but he got resurrected by unknown mummy magic.

Empty mummy bed (I can't remember the word for that in English). I wonder what will happen next (not really).

Okay, mummy is all ugly and gross for now. I wonder how long it will take the movie to make her all sexy again (like in the flashbacks).

The production quality of this movie is a shame considering how terrible the plot/script is.

Come on. Yet another backstory flashback to explain the next part of this movie's plotline.

Zombie Stupid Sidekick is comic relief. Not much of a relief from how bad the rest of this movie is.

I'm actually considering stopping this trainwreck of a movie and watching Les aventures extraordinaires d'Adèle Blanc-Sec (aka. The Extraordinary Adventures of Adèle Blanc-Sec)(aka. Adèle and the Secret of the Mummy) instead (for the like 6th (?) time).

Damn. I'm not even halfway through this movie yet. :-/

New idea - Douche Major has since his death (and resurrection) been fully doing the bidding of The Mummy - and will do so for the rest of the movie, without ever again working against her wishes (not even close). I like that concept. Though probably not going to happen - or the movie will try to do this, but quickly move away from it again.

Okay, The Mummy has already gone from looking very gross to looking like a normal, pretty decent looking woman. I guess having her look ugly (aka. like a dead person) lasted for more than 10 minutes (slightly). At least it lasted one full scene.

I don't get why The Mummy's minions need to be mummy-like and turn to dust when you hit them. For fuck sake, they were alive humans like a few minutes ago.

Wait, did Major Douche just break up a makeout session between The Archaeologist and The Mummy by stabbing The Mummy in the back?

<a whole bunch of stupid, pointless action happens>

I have to admit that whatever twist is happening right now is kinda interesting. Let's see how long that lasts.

Let me guess. An old white man is going to walk in and tell a long and convoluted story about a secret organisation that exists to fight evil?

BINGO!!!

And apparently this old white guy is Dr. Jekyll. :-P

And he is telling his own backstory. Pst.

Yep, now I hate the plotline again. Sigh.

This movie is a damn pool of bad writing and cliché vomit. Exactly as expected.

Okay... Dr. Jekyll very plainly expresses his plan and desire to stab Major Douche in the heart with a dagger. I approve.

Major Douche being a douche just caused a major shift in what was going on - and worked as an excuse for throwing Mr. Hyde into the mix that is this damn movie.

Wait a minute. Where have I seen that book before? <pauses movie to look this up> Oh, that's the book of Amun-Ra. That was definitely in the better mummy movie. Did they include it here just to reference the other movie (again, again, again) - or are they going to do something with this later on? <unpauses movie>

This seem like the right kind of scene for a Wilhelm scream. So...?

Why is it that in action movies when running away from exploding windows that the windows keep exploding right after the hero runs past them?

Now another "sand" storm, controlled by The Mummy. Again this repeat shit.

Oh, and the "sand" storm has a face - just as in the better mummy movie.

Train tunnel full of zombie-/mummy-minions the second after a train just passed through? How? Oh, by this movie making zero sense, that's how.

This reminds me of that one swimming level from Quake.

Even the "hero" (Major Douche) gaining the upper hand is making no sense at all. None of what just happened makes any sense at all.

And what is happening now makes even less sense. It is like they wrote a (terrible) story and couldn't figure out how to make a favorable end for Major Douche - so they just... did stuff... that make no sense... to move the plot forward.

Production quality: Top. Acting: Kinda good (except for Major Douche). Direction: Could be worse. Writing: Couldn't be worse.

And now a post-story overture that is just plain cliché and cliché and cliché.

Movie over. It was perhaps even worse than expected (and I expected terribleness). I guess I need to watch the credits to see who made such a terrible movie.

"Directed by Alex Kurtzman". You are probably partly to blame for this mess.

"Screenplay by David Koepp and Christopher McQuarrie and Dylan Kussman". Yep, I probably blame the three of you the most.

"Screen story by Jon Spaihts and Alex Kurtzman & Jenny Lumet". Yep, I also blame you - oh, and there you are again, Alex.

"Produced by Alex Kurtzman, Chris Morgan, Sean Daniel, Sarah Bradshaw". This is probably a lot your fault too - and, yet again, you, Alex.

"Director of photography: Ben Seresin". You actually did a pretty good job in this. Well done, sir.

Nah, I don't want to watch more of the credits. This was a terrible, terrible movie - definitely not worth my time. I need to re-balance myself now with some pointless (but enjoyable) YouTube videos before I call it an evening.

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(List of all my reviews and ramblings at reviews.reschat.com)

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