Watching Vampire Academy and Rambling
I began watching Vampire Academy (2014) and two minutes into it I realized that this might either be spectacular or catastrophic and that I either way probably should document my thoughts throughout the movie. So I have restarted the movie and here we go...

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Ominous logo intro. Ooh...

Pop music :-/ Isn't this a horror?

WTF? Already?

Oh... Now I see... Wait, no, I don't. How? What?

I already love the main (?) character. "Hot naked guys on unicorns" won me over.

Jimmy Carter is scary? Ya, I can see that.

Wait, that hot chick is that other hot chick's bodyguard?

That would be sexy if it wasn't so morbid. Okay, it was sexy nonetheless.

The main character just gets better and better - and I'm 4 minutes into the movie.

Here comes the section that explains the whole backstory and universe.

Oh, that section was only 15 seconds. I guess there's not that much backstory.

Magic time!

This just keeps getting better and better (no sarcasm).

"They have the bond"? Like... eh... heck, I don't even know anymore.

That sentence was pure brilliance of the "Hi, I'm evil, evil, evil, (echo)" kind.

SO MUCH SARCASM!!! I love it.

This is like a parody of every fantasy movie from the last 10 years - but at the same time not. Fucking amazing!

This is the Mean Girls of vampires.

I'm still confused whether this is a parody or not.

Snappy, snappy writing.

Hogwarts?

Yep, this is Harry Potter: Year 2 (I can't remember what the damn name of it.)

"There's so much blood." - No, there were like 7 drops of blood - at the most.

This is either incredibly stupid or incredibly brilliant. Either way, it is hilarious.

Commentary provided by girl standing alone in hallway, talking to herself. Yep, this is brilliantly stupid and stupidly brilliant at the same time.

"Trips to Oregon" is apparently an offence classified in the same category as animal mutilation.

I'm confused again. Is this a parody?

Lift up cat and talk to it in order to make inner monologue without it being inner.

This movie is hilariously confusing. WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF THING IS IT?!?!

She is almost straight up inviting that guy to fuck her. I want to high five her.

Okay, this is not a parody. Good thing it only took me 50 minutes to realize this.

Snarky comments might not be the best defence against monsters.

WHAT THE FUCK HELL?!?! That was an amazing end to an otherwise meh scene.

"Princess party in the reyol reck-room." - Yes, someone just said those words.

Subtlety? The fuck? That's something I've never seen in a teenage vampire movie before.

What the fuck is up with the villains in the movie killing pets?

No, what the fuck! THIS IS SCARING ME! STOP IT!!!

Oh, there's a "downstairs" where all the secrets are kept. Oh, of course.

Fornicating? WTF? Is that word actually used among 21st century teenagers?

Schrödinger's cat?

The fuck? Are we back to being a parody?

Wait, did I just refer to the movie and me being a 'we'?

"Ew, stop - I nap on that couch" might be the best line of dialogue I've heard in days (I was going to say weeks but then remembered that I watch a LOT of series and movies).

FIST TO THE FACE!!! Hell yeah!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait... Did the evil headmaster women just reveal that she was raped when she was 16 and still has a scar from the attack? Holy fuck, what is up with this movie giving characters you're supposed to hate backstories that make you feel for them. For fuck's sake!

I fully enjoy a strip scene where the clothes are thrown into a fireplace, thereby making sure that the girl can't simply put them back on. (Sorry for this comment to directly follow the rape comment; I'm 99 % sure the movie didn't mean for most audience to notice the rape reference and that is why it ended up placing these two scenes next to one another.)

Oh... Now I see.

Wait, WHAT DID YOU PUT UP HER ASS, GIRL?

Referring to the bad guy as "the bad guy" is utter perfection.

What is an "air user"?

Oh, he blows.

... and sucks.

The villain looks in a mirror and sees how much he has changed (nevermind that he is a vampire) while I cannot see single difference from before.

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

Is that a pony?

Shit, the Princes has evil, evil powers.

Go to save princess. Princess saves herself. Leave. THIS IS WHAT MARIO BROS. SHOULD HAVE BEEN!!!

Is that Dr. Xavier's mansion?

"I'm an atheist. Atheist with a big gun." - Oh, sure you are; and you're about to be killed by vampires.

Firebender creates small sparkle to bad guy. Fragile human girl forcefully places her knee in bad guy's face.

"Power up, princess" might be the sexist vampire lingo I've ever heard.

Guy describes make-out session with girl as "horrific". Yep, she is not taking it well.

What is a "shadow kiss"? Did I miss something?

WHAT THE FUCK?!?! That is a slightly great plot twist.

Oh, immediately followed by an extremely small (and 100 % predictable) plot twist which is presented as the bigger plot twist. Sigh.

Oh, human; you are so human.

OOOHHHH!!! She is so awesome!!! <drawing a heart around her picture in the year book>

I feel like I have missed some of the Gryffindor-Slytherin-like subjects of this movie.

Wait, is that is the speech from Mean Girl vampirified?

Now they are actually trying to force some romance on the whole thing? Really? You got this along withouYES, HAHAHHAHH!!! Funny shit! Turning the tables! HILARIOUS!!!

No, what? You are almost literally saying that if you don't get a sequel it is the fault of the rich people. Shame on you. You should have ended it 30 seconds earlier.

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(List of all my reviews and ramblings at reviews.reschat.com)
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