It started with 4 Bran Muffins...
Tuesday Offering...Warning: The Below Story is Gnarly-Gross IMO
Since its #TMI
Tuesday, I figured I would share my recent Ass-Venture. I have never had anything more painful in my life than this... and I suffer from Kidney Stones regularly and have had surgery for that, have had a torn rotator cuff with its surgery... but seriously, these Anal Fisula's are no joke.
So this all started with 4 bran muffins on a munchie-induced Tuesday Evening of last week.. I ate those 4 bran muffins like a champ! Why? Well... I had a horrible case of the munchies - and the muffins looked like Chocolate Chip - so I ate the 1st one, realized it wasnt chocolate, but kept going...
Wednesday, oh boy, I think I wore a path out to the bathroom! I couldn't stop going - and at 2pm, I pushed so hard I thought my ass was going to explode. Well, according to my doc - that was the beginning of the Anal Fistula. He said when I pushed and i felt the internal "pop" (described as a moment when you know you pushed too hard). I went to the bathroom only 1 more time on Thursday Evening, but by Friday Morning - my ass was not having it. I couldn't even SIT on the toilet seat.. as soon as I did, the pain immediately went to a 10 and tears would be induced.
By the time lunch hit at work, all I wanted to do was go put my ass in some hot water (which usually relieves it with hemorrhoids) - but that provided little relief once I got there... If course, no available appointments with my doctor at 1pm on a Friday, and by the time it was midnight - I was in tears and throwing up (when it hurts, I toss cookies).
I then got to the Urgent Care, where they started me on a double dose of Dilaudid and the pain went away. Pressure was still there, it pressured like hell... but the pain made the tears go away and I could talk.
The Doctor ordered a CT Scan, but was focused on it being Proctitis - and not sure he fully understood what was causing the pain. He offered me two choices - get a bed upstairs and wait for GI on Monday - or he could give me these pain pills and I could go home, tough it out, and on Monday Morning - call GI and get in to get it resolved.
He said Oxy was just as good as the Dilaudid - and he said that the antibotics would make the swelling go down. 6:30am on Saturday - I was released. By noon on Saturday, I was back in pain. So much pain that I could take 3 of the Oxy's and it not even touch it. I then realized if I took 3 oxy's and a shot of whisky, I couldnt feel shit and would pass out - so I did this all day Saturday. Wake up, take pain pills, take whisky, go back to sleep. When the pain was bad enough to wake me up, repeat.
Yeah, I know, not the best pain management steps - but at this point, I was ready to not wake up. It hurts THAT
Sunday I wake up in same 8/10 constant pain - but I know I got a Dodger game at 1pm and a 49er game at 4pm... so I take my worthless pain pills and stumble through the morning. My wife gets me a coconut macchiato from Starbucks (truly the most memorable part of that day), and for a couple hours - I got to be a normal human in not so much pain.
Could it be over? I mean, is the doctor right and all those antibiotics were finally kicking in?
Wrong. It waited until I got home and then bam - 8/10 kicks in and i'm popping 2 (this time) Oxy's. Slight relief, I can sit... but after watching the top half of the dodger game, I was back at wanting to take a long walk off a short pier. Shot of whiskey - passout. Wakeup in time for 49ers game, watch first half in pain, shot of whiskey, pass out. Repeat until Monday Monring..
Now, according to my UCC Doctor, I call GI and make an appointment. So, I call GI and they have never heard of me. In fact, they are about the most rude ass old bitches that any person in pain should have to talk to.
Do they forget they answer the phone when patients who are in pain are on the line? I dont even think they care... after a 15 minute (I dont know why you called... we call when we receive.. the amount of pain you're in isnt going to hurry this along... etc) - I am fit to be tied. This gal doesnt even care. So I call the general number - same thing, run around.But the UCC doc made it sound so easy? He also said that if the pain increases, come back and we'll admit you. I have that in writing, btw..
SO, after an hour of me unsuccessfully trying to get anywhere - yeah +Scripps Health
, my wife tries to get me in. Granted, she actually works at this hospital - but does that help? No, she cant even get them to budge.
SO, 1230, we head back into Urgent Care Greens to be seen. Im literally in tears, ready to just pull the plug at this point. I get to UCC and they are more concerned with my credit card than my drivers license or ID/Medical Card/Paperwork. Once I paid (she still hasnt asked me what im there for)... she then has me have a seat, and the charge nurse comes out and says it will be 2 hours before they can even screen my vitals.
Yeah. She seemed to not care that I was in pain - "they are all in pain sir" - she didnt care I had discharge papers from just the night before - she had a complete lack of compassion and just told me “a whole bunch of walk ins messed up her day, and I would have to wait due to first-come first served” (no actual triage or screening - so people in pain are screwed).
I requested my co-pay back and went to the +Scripps Health
ED at Memorial Hospital. (so, now im in excruciating pain and out $50 for UCC, and $200 for ED - all after NOT being able to get an appointment with my PCP).
When checking into the ER, the “I’m in Charge” clerk told me I couldnt right down the diagnosis from UCC - "Thats a Diagnosis Sir, you need to write down whats wrong“ … so she wrote down Anal Pain, which got triaged into Hemorrhoid Pain. Which I did not have…. but don’t worry, she’s in charge!
After an hour in pain, sitting in the lobby at the lowest tier triage level with an 8- now 9/10 pain level.
Then I start getting pissy. People are looking at me like "WTF is with that old fat guy".. Wife is getting embarrassed...
So they move me to the back at the same time that a doctors son who fell off his skateboard was brought in. +Scripps Health Corporate Office
, hear that? So this doctors kid in the stall next to mine has 3 different ED Doctors rushing to him to find out what happen. He was riding his skateboard and fell, scrapped his elbow, and his mom brought him in because she thinks he broke his elbow.
A walkin patient, within Minutes this kid gets ALL the ED Doctors - ive been here for an hour at a now 9/10 pain level and nobody wants to look at me.
SO, 30 minutes later, one of the doctors makes eye contact and literally drags me into the bathroom. I go in there, spot the urine on the seat that still hasnt been cleaned up. He has me spread my ass cheeks after he drops my drawers.
He rips the ass cheeks apart and yells - there is no hemorrhoid! My response is I know - thats what ive been saying - this is something internal and my pain is a 9/10 . At this point, Im sobbing and crying. That shit hurt, and Im in a ditry bathroom trying to prove to a doctor im in pain. When he asked why I said hemorrhoid I pointed out I NEVER said that, only his STAFF has said that. I broke down crying worse and told him I just needed someone to believe that I was in enough pain to reasonably pay a $200 co-pay just to get relief and here I am in a dirty bathroom trying to get you to believe that my ass hurts bad (after you just ripped my ass cheeks apart).
The doctor (with whom I am very thankful for) listened. He then explained that what I am describing, he is familiar with. He advised me he wanted to scope me and find it out.. a nurse returned with a double dose of dilaudid and I went back to a normal pain level and no more tears.
Within a few minutes after that, this doctor went and found me a private room, and then he personally changed the sheets and gave me a pillow... and then I was able to lay down, the most comfortable I have been in what seemed like forever.
He returned after a few minutes with a plastic scope and then explained to me what he was about to do... insert this scope up the entrance of my butt, and then look inside to see what was causing this pain.. He pointed out that it was only the size of his finger, and that it would be uncomfortable. He explained that once he identified it - it could be painful to extract. He gave me a few minutes to get mentally prepared, and then a young nurse came in to assist him.
Laying face down, he then started the process. Even with 2 Dilaudid shots - the pain came back fierce. Easy back to 10/10 as he searched my anus for what was causing it. Finally, after what seemed like forever, he said - Found It
. Then he zeroed in on the Fistula, and then he went to drain and get it out.
That pain was horrible. As these two doctors four fingers deep in my anus pushed, prodded, cut, and eventually removed the fistula. He made is drain incision outside the anus, and then packed it. Once finished, he then instructed me on when to remove the packing, how to gauze it for drainage, and advised that I would feel immediate relief - and that within a week, I would be back to normal. Pain Pills, discharge instructions, and I was out of there.
The Doctor was right. Today has been a week and I am back to normal.
Once home and resting, on Wed I received the call from GI saying they received my UCC request and could bring me in on Thursday. I took the appointment, went in and showed them my paperwork from the ED.
To which they then told me they couldnt do anything for me, I needed a surgeon and not a GI colonoscopy. (Duh). Its ok, another $40 copay down the drain, but at least I got to show off my fistula scar to them when they inspected my butt.
Left GI, went home - by Friday, I only needed 1 pain pill for discomfort, and havent needed them since. Its no longer draining and instead just feels like a little bump where the drainage incision was. On Monday, I returned to work.
Wow. What an experience. I am soooo upset at the UCC, the amount of money I threw at this, and everything it took to get help. Im very thankful I got the doctor I did in the ED, and Very Thankful he assisted me through this painful process.
I wish it didnt take 4 days, but I made it through.
I wouldnt wish this on anyone.
Hows that for TMI Tuesday? hehehe.